A Poetic Memoir Of My Journey Through Life

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Child Abuse

 

This post is going to be a hard one for me. It has to do with my sons abuser… of which I do not want to say his name. Here is a link to the post I made about him in 2010 http://bipolarmuse.com/2010/04/25/who/ , and also, here is a link about my sons abuse, also written in 2010 http://bipolarmuse.com/2010/06/07/bruised/. Please look over any curse words, I was in a very, very dark, sad, lost state of mind.

Recently I received an email from an ex-girlfriend of the abuser. She stumbled up my blog after googling his name and had some questions for me about this despicable man. Since my sons abuse I had 20/20 vision of coarse and have openly believed and claim that he has a disliking for boys and LOVED girls. Sounds perverted right? I believe this because his actions and simple mannerisms make me feel this way. And of coarse, he abused my son, and not my daughter. He openly professed that he was ecstatic that his children were girls, not boys. This lady contacted me because she had a son and was around the despicable man when her child was a young child…she was concerned that maybe her son had been abused as well. She specifically asked her son if he was abused by despicable man and he assured her he had not been.

I was so grateful her son did not endure what my son had. I cannot even repeat the cruelty he inflicted upon such a sweet innocent boy at the tender age of 4, my son. Hearing from her brought back a wave of emotions and images that I cannot shake at the moment. I take comfort in knowing my son is healthy, happy, and that he is flourishing. 2 years later my son still remembers the horror he went through. It haunts me. He associates me with that horrible man in little ways. I hope in time, that will lessen.

Child abuse is disgusting. And sadly, people get away with it all the time, get a slap on the wrist. When I was going through group counseling to recognize the signs of abuse, all the women were in denial. They did not believe their “boyfriend/spouse” was abusing their child. I was the only person in the group who knew it was despicable man and made clear that it was.

I am mad they didn’t have enough evidence to arrest him for my sons abuse… but I am happy too. Why? Because what he did after sent him to federal prison for 15 years. He robbed banks, and restaurants and did not get away with it.

Justice sometimes comes back around… maybe not in the we would like. For child abuse, he would have had a light sentence, for armed robbery, 15 yrs is wonderful.

But why my son? I ask that question all the time. Why my precious little boy?

February 23, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Child Abuse | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Ransome Notes

Ransom Notes

Traveling in these wicked twists and turns in my head,

How has this happened? I would love to find,

A most comfortable place to rest my mind.

Hide.

These winding turns, alluring as they my be,

I do not want to pick this ugly fight.

Though you hold me hostage, with strength and might.

I Fight.

I have begged for your unearned trust.

You leave invisible ransom notes,

Promises. Just as invisible. Sinking boat.

Yet I float.

I cannot make happen, what will not be.

I cannot force this aching heart, to feel,

That which will not, cannot be real.

I heal.

 

© bipolarmuse 2012

February 23, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Masquerade Mask

Masquerade Mask

Lost and empty, yet a full room of faces.

A fake smile, a masquerade mask.

Hiding behind tears, never to truly reveal

Exactly who I am.

Embarked on many adventures, had many plans

I got myself into a slump,

Taking on changes I couldn’t handle.

Now I endure these bruises, nurse these lumps,

Find some way to pull myself out of

This sadness, fear, this self inflicted slump.

I just can not get things out of my head.

Over and over my wicked mind spins,

Engulfing me in its dangerous web.

Again, Again, and again.

© Bipolarmuse 2012

February 22, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments »

SIBYL MAGAZINE

Have any of you heard of Sibyl Magazine?? I got an email saying that I could submit poetry to them for a contest. Is this a legit company??

All comments would be appreciated. ♥

February 22, 2012 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Matisyahu

I know I have mentioned Matisyahu and added a link to his amazing cover of Bob Marleys Redemption Song,

But I would like to mention him once more. I cannot get enough of this artist. He is a unique individual with a very interesting story.

He mixes up his music with a bit of rock, reggae, and beatboxing, he is a very talented artist. Very fascinating and captivating. After rebelling from his faith  he got mixed up in drugs and traveled as a Phish follower… then he pulled it together and is now back into his religious roots. Not only does he do some covers, he also has is own music.

Here is Matisyahus cover of Use Somebody by Kings Of Leon.

It is a bit long because he does a couple short narratives about why he covered this song.

I literally wake up with his rendition of Redemption Song. Amazing how an artist can touch you.

Here is his cover of Redemption Song… it is long as well, so I apologize for the 15 minutes it will take you to get through this post.  ;)

I hope you enjoy his style as much as I do. ♥

February 22, 2012 | Categories: Music | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave A Comment »

Tag, your It!! ABC Award. Fun Times.

I want to give a shout out to two wonderful bloggers who nominated me for this fun award!! Thank you My Own Avalon and UponAtlas. I am honored you thought of me for the nomination. I enjoy trying to describe myself with the ABC’s, gives me a challenge. LOL.

1. Thank the person who nominated you

2. There is no limit to how many fellow bloggers you can nominate so go crazy

3. Share some things about you but alphabetically just a word or two about you starting with each alphabet. (Or alternatively, just write the first word you think of.)

So this is what I have chosen to describe me.

A – Attitude
B – Believer
C – Cautious
D – darn crazy
E – Extraordinary
F – Fighter
G – Glitter
H – Heartfelt
I – Irreplaceable
J – Jolly
K – Kinetic
L – Loving
M – Meek
N – Nervous
O – Open
P – Passive
Q – Quick
R – Rowdy
S – Sacrifice myself for others
T – Troubled
U – Unusual
V – Victorious
W – wax and wane
X – Xanax
Y – Youthful
Z – Zealous

And here are my nominations for the award, no particular order:

Julie Catherine

thepoeticgoblin

Stronghold

alltheavenueslookugly

Today in Heritage History

Stop by them, read and enjoy!!!

February 22, 2012 | Categories: Awards | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments »

Awards = Awesome Fun! Vesatile and Liebster

I have been very happy to receive several blog awards this month and I am just now getting this post together to pass on the awards.  :) I apologize for how long it has taken… I have been in a bit of a slump but am pulling out!

The first award is the Versatile Blogger Award.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you so much Gjscobie for thinking of me for this award. It is always an honor and blessing to be recognized by my fellow blogger friends and I am always humbled by the love shown here.  :)

The rules for the Versatile Blogger Award are :

1. Nominate 15 fellow bloggers. (I may deviate from this one a little).

2. Inform the bloggers of their nomination. (I shall try hard to do so).

3. Share 7 random things about yourself.

4. Thank the blogger who nominated you.

5. Add the Versatile Blogger Award pic on your blog post.

Seven random/interesting/fun things about me:

I love red wine

I am from Las Vegas (lucky me)  ;)

I am almost completely gray headed though I am not “old”. LOL. But my kids say I am old.

I waited on Britney Spears, her Mom, Sister, and Brother in Vegas. She didn’t tip well.

I wish vampires were real, I would be one. And not prey on humans. hahaha. Unless they are bad humans.

I couldn’t sleep last night.

I bite my nails and hate it.

 

**Nominations are at the end of this post.**

 

I was also nominated for the Liebster blog award and must THANK Gjscobie and also42nd Chance.

 

 

I must say that each time my blog is nominated, I am not happy for my “self” per say, but that my blog and my writings are most definitely touching the hearts of those who read. I am happy that through this forum, I can speak openly and honestly about my disorders, all the while throwing some poetry in the mix.  ;)

*Liebster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favourite’ & the idea of the Liebster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers all in the spirit of gathering more connections

Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.
Reveal your top picks for the award and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
Post the award on your blog.
Bask in the love from the most supportive people on the blogsphere – other bloggers.
And, best of all – have fun and spread the karma.*

Here are my nominations for both the versatile blogger and Liebster award… of coarse in no particular order.  :) I tried to choose new peeps as it gets very difficult to not “renominate” blogs. These are blogs I like to pay close attention to, that I believe I have not passed an award on to. If I have, please forgive me… lol… my memory is shot.

Closer To The Middle

Seasons Chane and Change and Change

alltheavenueslookugly

awakeningpsyche

Sherline’s watchu Thinkin’ Blog

One Mere Mortal

Picnic With Ants

Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars

 

 

 

February 22, 2012 | Categories: Awards | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments »

Ernest Hemingway Quote

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

Ernest Hemingway

So much truth to this wonderful quote from Hemingway, a very troubled man himself.

I feel like a great deal of my writing comes from pain and my poetry is a release from that pain that builds up. My poetry comes from a sad place that has always resided with me. Sadly, melancholy has had a place with me longer than happiness and I have come to a point in my life where a change must take place, and it is a change I am continually working on.

I was once told by a very brilliant woman that I did not suffer from a broken heart, but rather a bleeding heart. Broken could be fixed, bleeding is another matter in itself. I believe her point was that I feel pain with magnified senses. My normal mental pain is similar to what a person goes through when they grieve for a loss. They grieve during times when grief is expected. My grieving is constant.

When I was in therapy, my therapist was speechless over my intense pain. Pain that should have lessened over time but that still hung on to me like it happened two minutes ago. The wounds were always fresh. She told me I was in a constant state of grief. That is when I began learning about mindfulness and skills to help me to keep my emotions in a more acceptable, less painful range.

To my fellow writers, May we continue to sit at our keyboards and “bleed”. I believe it is healing and makes for beautiful works. ♥

February 21, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Mental Disorders, Mindfulness, Quotes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments »

To Dust It Turns

Everything I touch, even in loving kindness…

To dust it turns. Never to be in original form again.

The devastation too great, melancholy relentless.

There is a certain truth in “Ignorance is Bliss”.

~

I gasp, I tremble, I undoubtedly cry.

Trying dauntlessly to prevent this sand…

From slipping through my fingers. Holding tight.

There is no holding it, it seeps through my grasp.

~

I stare longingly at that sandy floor.

Collecting all the broken, to put it back in place.

However, this devil in me, an old friend for sure,

Allows me not. For the devil enjoys this relentless pain.

© bipolormuse 2012

February 21, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

Bipolar? Interesting Tidbits…

Here is some information I find disturbing and slightly humorous.  :)

*A marriage where 1 or both individuals have Bipolar disorder is nearly doomed. I say that with a grain for humor… laughter is good medicine. What are the stats for this little tidbit of info?? Nearly 90-95% of marriages, with a Bipolar person involved, end in divorce. That is a HUGE percentage. I can certainly understand why though, as I have made many catastrophic decisions without truly thinking them completely through. In fact, I have made huge decisions on a whim, causing my world to collapse on many occasions.

*ALL of my medications have side affects… some of them downright horrible, most tolerable that disappear after a few weeks, and a few that can give you a heart attack after reading the warning. What is the side affect warning that can bring on this heart attack?? “This medication can cause SUDDEN DEATH“. LOL, Do you know how many panic attacks that this simple phrase causes me? I cannot tell you how many times I have been relaxing, watching a movie, and all of a sudden felt dizzy or “odd” and thought – is this the start of “sudden death”-. Yes friends, I can tell you that happens to me frequently and I say quick silent prayers asking God to “remember me” and “let my children know how much I love them”. Funny and horrible right??

*There are activities that can help your Bipolar disorder. (These are proven true by the medical community and by personally doing these things). One is exercise. Yes, if we can get the motivation to get our butts up and stick to a routine, exercise does wonders for improving the mood. Here is the problem for me: I get addicted. I will work out hours a day, 7 days a week. I almost believe the exercise can make me slightly manic, but hey… better than slightly in the opposite direction. Another is eating healthy. Not sure how or why, but this one does help as well. When I eat better, I feel better. Maybe it does have to do with the “You are what you eat” phrase. It too can be addicting. LOL… but addicted to bean sprouts is better than addicted to peanut butter cups. And lastly I would like to mention this one, which may or may not be proven by the medical world. Recently I was reading a book about mood disorders and the book was written by those who suffered themselves and also by those closest to them. One man was saying that as a mood “boost”, his goal (and his wife said that it did indeed work), was for his wife to orgasm daily. It would help her mood no matter what… if nothing else worked, she could always count on the orgasm. LOL. I find this one highly interesting and of coarse it makes you chuckle a bit doesn’t it?? And I would bet that this one could be addicting too. :)

 

Just some food for thought!!

Happy Friday My Friends! ♥

 

February 17, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal, Memoir | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments »

1-in-100 Warrior Award

~This award is more than an honor to me… it feels like it is also a milestone in my journey to healing.~

**From Miro’s blog itself:

“Out of every one hundred men, ten shouldn’t even be there, eighty are just targets, nine are the real fighters, and we are lucky to have them, for they make the battle. Ah, but the one, one is a warrior, and he will bring the others back.” ~Heraclitus

Courage. Honesty. Fearlessness. Grace. Peace. Service to others. No complaints. Nothing thought of as a blessing or a curse; everything simply accepted as another challenge to be conquered.

They’re not perfect, and don’t try to be, because they know such aspirations are futile. But they do the absolute best they can with what they’ve been given. Warriors no longer have potential. They are potent! They understand that knowledge is knowing, but wisdom is doing. And they are a very rare breed: as Heraclitus once said, only one out of every one hundred is a true warrior. This award is named in honor of those words and that truth. The symbol of the sword is used to represent their courage and strength, and the symbol of the feather quill pen represents their grace, beauty and creativity.

Guidelines for the 1-in-100 Warrior Award: Warriors are not motivated by awards or fame. They see awards not as an opportunity for the ego to rejoice, but rather an opportunity to honor other warrior brothers and sisters. To acknowledge and honor the rarity of the warrior, it is recommended that the recipient passes this award on to only *one* other blogger that they feel goes above and beyond to serve and inspire others, and who maintains their grace and positivity even in the face of difficult challenges, such as health issues, tragedy, injustice or loss.

Once an author is given the award, they may continue nominating one new blog author once a week, month, year… or whatever seems appropriate. It’s like a knight’s ability to bestow knighthood onto another whenever they choose. But only one at a time. The patience of a warrior is required. **

~ I just want to say that I put allot of thought into who I would like to give this award to, and I am grateful that I can give it weekly, or monthly, because so many people here have inspired me and deserve the 1-in-100 Warrior Award.~

~~ I would like to nominate Celeste, Mortal Hearts With Immortal Souls at http://celestealluvial.wordpress.com/

As I have journeyed along this blog world and met new friends, she has inspired me very much and has shown me that life can be a beautiful road, even with the bumps we encounter along the way. Her blog is positive and beautiful, and powerful in the way that her words move me. Celeste is a selfless, kind soul and has offered me much support and lifts me up daily in her thoughts so I can find a healing path, as she knows I truly can. As I have gotten to know her personally, I KNOW that obstacles I face, and those of many others, can be overcome.Celeste has shown me that there is a light at the end of the darkness and that I can make my journey to that light. She has found peace within herself that she lovingly wants to share with me… and that peace is expressed in her blog as well. I encourage you to find inspiration, as I have, in her writings. She picks me up  again, and again, and I am so happy I have found such a wonderful person and a beautiful blog to help guide me in this confusing world.Thank you Celeste, you have touched my heart and soul.

Again, her blog is http://celestealluvial.wordpress.com/

Please visit, and enjoy.

♥

February 17, 2012 | Categories: 1-in-100 Warrior Award, Awards | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments »

A Year Ago

A Year Ago

Lost, lonely, confused and dazed.

Sad, frightened, drinking during the day.

The hours, minutes, seconds on the clock,

Meant nothing. Just an annoying “tick tock”.

Living each night, hooting with the owls.

Days just as easy, drowning time in alcohol.

Losing sight of goals lined up, goal defined…

During a very distressed, manic state of mind.

Surely to not succeed, to tall and high, those dreams.

Created from just a fraction of the one I call “me”.

Sorrow and Failure enveloped me. Wicked tools.

The devil brandishes them, just wicked fools.

But they plant seeds and plot my destruction,

Barely a fight in me, other than to follow instructions.

I know I am not destined to leave in this way,

I reach out to those, who won’t give up for me, not today.

I prayed for my babies to light the road, the right path.

Sacrifices were made. Though most made me more sad.

I had to fight, giving up was not an option for me…

Fight for them, fight for me. No other way to be.

I cried all hours of the day, and at night I could pretend…

Life was amazing, full of purpose, just Grand.

I crash and burned each and every day.

Was never sure how long I could endure the pain.

Endless phone calls, desperation… all I could do was cry.

Slept on the couch of a dear friend, when I feared for my life.

A year ago, sadly this was the tale of me.

One year later, though not healed, I am much more complete.

Sadness, an old friend, can still reign.

But now, in this loving place, happiness has a place.

♥

 

© bipolarmuse 2012

 

 

February 16, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Journal, Memoir, Poetry, Quotes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments »

Lets Talk Mood Swings~ and a Quote

“On a bad day I have mood swings- but on a good day, I have the whole mood playground”.

~Charles Rosenblum

 

I have been reflecting on my blog and looking through my various posts and poems.

I do not know if my faithful followers have noticed, but I can see a significant mood swing simply by my works alone on this blog… but only one. Granted, I am usually pretty fortunate and very in tune with my moods and I can usually spot them from a mile away. This one I didn’t really see. Why? Because it was very gradual.

I believe I started off in a normal mood, and then it gradually escalated to perhaps a “hypo-manic” type, and then cycling (which would explain the crying spells/blues/irritation though I felt overall pretty well), and then a bit of depression. A “normal” depression though because it came after I visited my babies, so that is a normal “grieving” process. Sadly, it has lasted over a week, but I do feel a steady increase in it wearing off. Yesterday was a sad day, but also one to rejoice in. And today I get to shop for discounted Valentine’s items which makes me happy. Here I come knee high socks covered in hearts and my favorite, Ring Pops!

I just noticed the mood swing and wanted to see if anyone else had noticed it a little bit. LOL, or maybe I am off my rocker. Hehe, just a joke. Got to have fun and laugh… it is good for the soul.

As for the quote, I found it hilarious! HAHA, the “whole mood playground”? I am not sure if I would only want the swings or the whole enchilada but nevertheless, I found it funny and thought I would share.

I hope all had a nice Valentine’s Day and showed themselves and others some love… and continue it daily. We deserve that for ourselves… and kindness to others will help us as well. ♥

 

February 15, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal, Memoir, Quotes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

My Special Gift

“A part of you has grown in me. And so you see, it’s you and me together forever and never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart.“

Bittersweet, I just held you in my arms.

Every second of each day, I enjoyed your touch.

So full of fun, and playfully sassy,

Exploding with magical charm.

To turn and leave, unwillingly, my collapsing

Heart ached so very much.

~

Lets press rewind, just for a moment.

Four years ago, it was just you and me.

A room devoid of a friendly face.

A menacing shortcoming, a mental torment.

You were basked in a heavenly glow…

I gave birth to you, my angel. So heavenly.

~

Now, this agony, I cannot be with you, this day.

 I would sacrifice… give my very all.

 For every precious moment… prayers answered.

For less tears. Love. Our peace. Each day.

Happy Birthday my baby girl, my valentines gift.

Every year, again and again, In love with you, I fall.

© bipolarmuse 2012

** My youngest baby girl was born this day 4 years ago. My personal Valentines gift. Sadly I was alone when I gave birth to her. A bitterness I am working on, for I know it was not her Fathers fault… he was serving our country. This was a moment I showed great courage facing her birth alone. But I had loving offers from family and friends to be there with me. I refused this loving kindness… and in a way, it was what helped me unravel. My strength is also my shortcoming. I can be strong to a fault because I will not let others in to help me. I just returned from a trip where I spent several days with her and her brother, it doesn’t lessen the pain of not being there today. I know I will be asked by her why I cannot be there, and I will cry.

But this is a beautiful day. To celebrate her life and the beautiful gift she is to me. And the beautiful gifts all my children are to me.**

Happy Valentines… may today be peaceful and gentle on you all. ♥

February 14, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Journal, Memoir, Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 23 Comments »

Negative Thoughts

Negative Thoughts

Negative thoughts, painful memories,

As a screenplay in my mind.

Your invasions are pure trifling…

Perversely abate my precious time.

~

Oh, how I detest, loathe, the waste.

Your treacherous form, your very entity.

Withering my mind, heart, maybe my soul.

Taking invaluable, priceless, pieces of me.

~

Negative trifling thoughts…

I do not allow you to invade me anymore.

My mantra ” This thought is not helping me”.

I believe. Have implanted it, in my very core.

© bipolarmuse 2012

** One thing that I have taken to my core from therapy, which is based on mindfulness, is that negative thoughts can cause us much unneeded grief and pain. We revisit these thoughts all the time but the more we become aware of how often we do, we can actually lessen how often we revert to the negativity. So, my therapist recommended that each time I have a negative  thought, to ask myself “How is this thought working for me”, or just say out right, “This though is not helping me”. It truly can help to divert your attention from the thought you are dwelling on. Try it. I know that it is not easy, trust me… I know. Suffering from mood disorders myself…I know the battle that is faced and that training the brain to think differently takes time. I do believe though that it can be done. With practice. Everything takes practice.

Try it. Next time your mind is boggling you down in negativity, take notice, and say, “This thought is not working for me”, then divert your mind to something you are grateful for. With patience and practice, this will become habit.

If it has helped me, it can certainly help you. **

♥ Love and Light my friends.

February 12, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Inspiration, Journal, Memoir, Mental Disorders, Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments »

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