A Poetic Memoir Of My Journey Through Life

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Mindfulness For Sunday

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ Dalai Lama

This quote truly needs to be taken by heart. How many times have we offered love, compassion, and kindness to friends and loved ones, even at times to strangers in need… offering hope, reminding them that the events they are hurting from will become easier.

Yet we do not take the time to do so for ourselves.

For myself personally, I am my worst enemy. It was brought to my attention that I still retain much guilt over the pain of my past. Past mistakes that, because I was not fully in control of my emotions, has caused me terrible grief. A mourning if you would. A hurting from the pain I have caused to others as well. I continue to inflict this pain upon myself and keep the wounds open, not allowing full healing to take place.

Friends, this love and compassion, yes it must be extended to others. It gives a great feeling within to do so… brings a peace and an enlightenment. Yet, we must also water our own souls with this same loving kindness and compassion. We must forgive ourselves. How that is done, I am not sure. I do believe acceptance is the key, and a lesson I am learning the hard way.

I have hurt myself the most by my past. Others have already moved forward and accepted it, but perhaps never forgetting, the terrible pain I have caused. I must move forward and do the same. I must love me. In doing so, I will open my heart and learn to fully love others.

I am, as I have mentioned before… a work in progress.

I will do it, I have faith.

January 29, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Memoir, Quotes, Mental Disorders, Mindfulness | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Decorate My Own Soul

Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
Veronica A. Shoffstall

My yearning soul, waiting.

Ever so patient,

To grow the strength,

To travel the distance…

Quench my appetency to love me.

I want to disencumber this fervent need,

For acceptance from an external source.

To “decorate my own soul”.

From the cracks in my heart, grow…

My own garden, from my being,

A beauty, strength, a love that embraces

The grace of me.

© bipolarmuse 2012

January 28, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal, Mental Disorders, Poetry, Quotes | Tags: , , , , , | 10 Comments »

Awards, Awards, Awards!

**Thank you so very much to these amazing bloggers!!**

I am so very stoked to be nominated for 4 awards the last few days! As you know these awards can take quite some time to put together and nominate others, so please be patient with me.

I would like to give a shout out to the 4 bloggers who nominated me so you can check out their awesome blogs.  :)

Novice Journal – nominated me for 7×7 link award

Lara: On the Weigh Down – nominated me for The Versatile Blogger Award

Seasons Change, and Change, and Change! – nominated me for The Versatile Blogger Award

It’s just One Aspect – Nominated me for the The Versatile Blogger Award

I will do my best to get my nominations passed on within the next couple days.  :)

January 28, 2012 | Categories: Awards, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder | Tags: , , , | 4 Comments »

A Letter to Mom

Mom,

when we couldn’t see through the night

to tomorrow,

you pulled us through.

When days and nights were cold,

full of someones rage…

You helped guide us through.

When life offered doubt

and fear,

you gave truth.

When drowning in  sadness and tears,

your strength was proof…

of life, and how we choose.

When I hit my lowest,

your voice quivered with fear

with love…

you offered me your roof.

Your love has seen us..

Through and through.

Your love and acceptance has saved

my life…

Look at me, I am living proof.

I love you Mommy

forever and through.

© bipolarmuse 2012

**My Sister and I were recently discussing how we have such love and sincere words for those we have lost but forget to recognize those who have remained a constant through our lives. I would like to take a moment and dedicate this to my Mommy.**

January 27, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Journal, Memoir, Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , | 16 Comments »

Mindfulness thought of today.

I agree.

If you do not experience hardships or sorrow, how do you know and experience the true value of happiness and personal growth?

I do not believe in such a thing as “always happy”, but I do believe in peace. Even in our darkest moments, there is light… you just may have to search a little harder to see it. There is the peace that comes with acceptance and going with the flow, though sometimes our minds want to rebel against such a thing.

Yesterday and its sadness, mistakes, and shortcomings are gone… no time machines to go back and fix it. Today, this moment, we can make changes to prevent the wrong doings of our past from repeating itself. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Right this moment is the only moment we have. We can still plan for the future and have hopes, dreams, and goals, but take the steps to reach them today… and hope tomorrow comes.

If not, you lived today to its fullest potential, and find contentment in that knowledge.

p.s. Never pass an opportunity to offer love and kindness.  :)

January 26, 2012 | Categories: Memoir, Journal, Mindfulness | Tags: , , , , , | 8 Comments »

The Pieces Of Me

The Pieces of Me

Pieces

Fragile, yet inexpungible.

A collapsed world, state of being.

A billion shards resting

Beneath this broken, bleeding body.

Pieces

Just a fragment or two

A chase of a whimsical place,

A familiar face.

Yet, all to reconcile is this broken state.

Pieces

My heart, have you forgot?

I am in the grips of a simple need,

Just one fickle beat.

My determination will continue on…

with The Pieces of Me.

© bipolarmuse 2012

January 26, 2012 | Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Memoir, Journal, Poetry | Tags: , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Bipolar Quote of Every Few Days

“The greatest communication barrier known to man is the lack of the common core of experience “When’s the last time you had a Manic Episode Doctor”?”
― Stanley Victor Paskavich

Oh my, oh my. I think I appreciate Docs who suffer or who have a personal experience with mood disorders (aside from their patients that is). How do you explain a depression, a mood, that makes you sleep 15+ hours a day?? Or makes you stay in pajamas for days on end without you not sounding “lazy”??

Or how do you explain the circus you heard in the hall from “psychosis”, from the inability to sleep? The images that scroll through your mind 50mph that leave you exhausted? The 10 books you have just begun reading at the same time, or the 10 different projects you took on only to leave them all incomplete? How do you explain the decisions that destroyed your life during a manic episode?? Or how you feel like you cannot go on because the life you lived is now in a billion shards on the floor under your bleeding body??

How do you explain such things to a person who has zero personal experience in the matter of mood disorders…aside from textbooks?

A difficult balance indeed.

What a fun convo with your PDoc though, ” So Doc, tell me, are you a manic depressive? Do you lack interest in activities? Or become promiscuous when manic?” LOL… I should ask my Doc.

January 25, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Quotes | Tags: , , , | 16 Comments »

The Candle Lighter Award

 

 

 

**I want to give a HUGE thank you to ‘Nessa (Bluesander) for nominating me for this award. Her poetry is amazing I am so very honored for the gift of this award.**

Apparently Rules do not accompany this nomination so here it goes.  :)

The Candle Lighter Award is an award for a post or blog that is positive and brings light into the world.  The Candle Lighter Award belongs to those who believe, who always survive the day and who never stop dreaming, who do not quit but keep trying. There are no rules. If you wish to, simply accept it and you are done! You are also free to decline or ignore it.  Recipients can pass it on to as many nominees as they wish and as often as they wish.

~~

I’m going to nominate those who inspire me, the blogs I enjoy reading, the blogs that are real, funny, and some with edge, and those who enjoy coming back to mine.

These are in no specific order… just random.  :) I do enjoy more blogs than these listed, but decided to choose eight (also a favorite number), otherwise it could get out of hand. lol.

Please do check out these following blogs.  :)

showard76

carlarenee45

Verse Not Prose

likethesunshone

vampireweather

sediment_and_such

Rescuing Little L

Novice Journal

January 25, 2012 | Categories: Awards, Bipolar Disorder, Journal, Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , | 19 Comments »

An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison

Reblogged from bipolarmuse:

This is one of my favorite books about manic depressive illness. In fact, I would say Kay Redfield Jamison is one of my favorite authors. “Touched With Fire” and “Night Falls Fast” are both amazing reads as well. She touches so well on the circus in my head I described earlier… the sensory explosion that happens to me during a manic stage. Reading her describe similar experiences makes me cry. Why?? Because I am not alone in a world like this. There is no way to describe to someone what it is like to …

I wanted to reblog this… as it is old material that may have been overlooked because of when I started blogging with wordpress. Long story short, I transferred from another blog host (so glad I did ).
As a fellow blogger pointed out, it is good material and this author is amazing. She herself suffers from bipolar disorder.

January 25, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder | 2 Comments »

Romeo of Words

Rigid, razor-blade sheets.

Love, adoration, admiration,

Through the sheets they seep.

My Romeo of action.

My Romeo of words…

In my world of reality and of dreams.

Paper cut wonder…

Each loving word embraces…

Mesmerizes. Lives free.

Each word begs my heart…

To destroy this marble wall that guards.

Begs for my heart to be set free.

My Romeo Of Actions…

My Romeo of words.

Each letter, verse, even to my dreams they reach.

♥

© bipolarmuse 2012

 

January 24, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Journal, Memoir, Poetry | Tags: , , , , , | 13 Comments »

Reblog from Voices Of Glass

Voices of Glass has formed a couple of polls for those who suffer from Bipolar Disorder regarding sleep patterns and has asked that the post be rebloged for those who have a mental health related blog.  :)

 

Sleep is such an important part of every persons life, especially for those with mood disorders. Sleep issues can either be a sign of an upcoming episode OR they can trigger an episode… so as you can imagine, regular sleep habits/patterns are very important.

For myself, I must try to get a good amount of sleep each night to keep mania at bay. Weekly I will have a night or two where only a few hours of sleep come to me, but then the rest of the week will be ok. There are several issues with sleep though… falling asleep, staying asleep, and falling back to sleep when woken up in the middle of the night. And sadly, I am a very light sleeper.

Usually, lack of sleep means an impending manic episode, and for me, allot of sleep is usually indicative of depression…though it is not always the case.

For those with Bipolar disorder, the sleep polls are interesting and it gives you instant feedback regarding what percentage you fall into.

Check it out… Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns by Voices of Glass.

 

January 23, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder | Tags: , | 2 Comments »

United States of Tara

United States of Tara

Image via Wikipedia

** DISCLAIMER**

I am in NO way making like of mental disorders. I suffer from them myself and I know how debilitating and serious they are. That being said, I believe we must have humor. A laugh to help myself get through this life, as I find it a must for my spirit and soul.**

I have found this TV series on Netflix and began watching it recently. It is about a woman who suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder  in which she has multiple personalities or “alters” as they call them on the show. The show makes me laugh so much, not because of the disorder, but the personalities themselves. I am not trying to insult anyone with the disorder, and I know there are different degrees of the disorder itself. For myself personally, they believe I have experienced a bit of the disorder because of blacking out very traumatic experiences… though I do not have other “personalities”. That being said, the series is great if you like to have a laugh. I do believe it is pretty accurate as well, as far as having multiple personalities goes. I recently re-read the book ” I’m Eve“, and was in awe with her stories. You can also look up youtube videos of interviews done with her switching personalities on command, you can search either by her real name, Chris Costner Sizemore, or by Eve White and Eve Black. Sounds like a fluke, but it was very real and you can read many accounts of her story. The reason I mention this is because the TV series seems to follow right along with the medical information and several truthful accounts of those who have this disorder. Only the show adds humor to it and it is not based on a true story of a specific person.

If you like to have a good laugh and a little insight to D.I.D, watch United States of Tara.

If you enjoy reading, the book I’m Eve about Chris Costner Sizemore is awesome. I could not put it down and read it in a couple of days. An amazing account of this woman’s life and how she reconciled her personalities.

 

 

January 23, 2012 | Categories: Mental Disorders | Tags: , , , , , | 8 Comments »

I Believe

This cloudy…wondrous day.

A gift from our universe, our creator.

A time to sit, enjoy,

A time to ponder.

A most favorable time for me…

To stare at the gray world above.

In awe, amazement,

To feel so small under the sky,

Another world above.

Just a speckle I am, in this vast

world of galaxies, earth, and oceans.

How can we look to the sky, and not see a Creator??

How can we look at the complexity of a forest, the oceans,

The intricacy of the stars, moon, our solar system…

the magnitude of what we still do not know about our world,

And not see a Creator?

How can we watch a caterpillar change into a butterfly

and not see a Creator.

I look within, to the elaborateness of me.

The inner being, the beauty, the light that shines as a beacon

for me.

I look within to my weaknesses, but also to my strength…

my determination, the endurance, the depth of my

personality.

How could I look within, in the mirror, and not see a Creator?

I do see…

I do believe.

** Just pondering our world under the beautiful gray skies. I would not say I am religious, but I look at our world with awe, with admiration.

I cannot help believing. As I carried my children in my womb, something so beautiful and miraculous… I believed. For myself, there is no way that I cannot.**

January 21, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal, Memoir, Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

What NOT to say to PDoc

Those of you who have been following what I write for a little while now know that I have a sense of humor…especially regarding my mental disorders.

* I was having a normal visit with my PDoc (Psychiatrist), who I love because she is very down to earth, has a sense of humor, and truly wants to help. It was at the end of our visit and she was going through the normal set of questions she has to ask at every appointment:

PDoc- Are you suicidal?

Me- Nah.

PDoc- Are you homicidal?

Me- Laughs a sincere belly laugh as I shake my head.

The PDoc stops dead in her tracks and looks at me. She was very serious looking, then the following comment was said:

PDoc- bipolarmuse, you can NOT do the evil laugh when I ask you if you are homicidal.

Me- I laugh and tell her, “that is also what my boyfriend says”. * LOL

I certainly hope she did not take me serious, as of coarse, I am not homicidal. Given the banter between us during most visits, it was a nice break in our visit as we normally accomplish. In another post, I will give another example of her hilarious attitude on life. She is a perfect PDoc fit for me, which does not happen often. I will mention that she is a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, which I absolutely love. My current regular Doc is also a Nurse Practitioner. I must say that I truly have better experiences with them than a regular Physician. They seem to have more time to go over things with you and seem a little more interested in you as a person. I know that certainly is not always the case, but in my experience, it has been a great pairing for me.

** DISCLAIMER**

I am not homicidal. Not at all.   :)

January 20, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal, Memoir | Tags: , , , , , , , | 12 Comments »

Intimacy

Intimacy…

At times you elude me,

confuse me,

In the shadows you remain hidden…

From me.

Intimacy…

Sometimes I hate you,

Berate you,

Wish to pummel your essence…

To come to a truce.

Intimacy…

Sometimes I wish these walls to fall,

To give my all.

To crave, need, and want…

To give my mind, my heart… my All.

© bipolarmuse 2012

January 19, 2012 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder | Tags: , , , , , | 17 Comments »

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