Bipolarmuse ♥ What do you want from me??
Beautifully asked by Adam Lambert. “What do you want from me”??
May is such a hellish month for me… and June too. In May of 2002 my ex-boyfriend shot and killed himself. It was absolutely devastating to me and the thought can still steal the breath from my chest. The horrific events and his untimely death will haunt me for the rest of my life. I have to give him credit though because he did always say he would never live to see 25 yrs of age…. and he didn’t. Our life together was an insane whirlwind of craziness, drama, intense love/hate, and in the end… extreme sadness. I had taken 3 guns away from him, endured overdoses, hospitalizations, calling in to work to “watch him”, physical violence (towards him), mental abuse, and threats. I came home to our pictures shredded in a billion little pieces… took drugs away from him and paid the price for doing so. I watched him put a gun in his mouth and closed my eyes waiting to hear the blast. It was the worst, yet most passionate love. When we broke up, it was mutual. I flew him back to his hometown and waited for the other shoe to drop. It took 2 1/2 months and then I got the call. On my voice mail I heard, “This is _____, please call me. I love you”. A good friend had called me to tell me the horrible news. I laid on my bedroom floor crying, unable to move, unable to believe, unable to breathe. I had tried for so long to keep him alive and I learned such a hard lesson with him: 1. You can’t change someone, and 2. You can’t save someone from them-self. It took me a long time to stop thinking of him every second of every day…. a long time to stop dreaming of him. And it took a long time for me to see his face again… for some reason it got hard to see his face in my mind. I could remember his smell, voice, jokes, anything and everything except his face.
At his funeral service, I was frantic because everyone was putting something in his casket and I had nothing to put in. His cousin looked right at me and said “why put anything in? He already has your heart”. Sometimes I fear he was buried with it…
“It messed me up. Need a second to breathe.”
© bipolarmuse 2010
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
Pingback: On With My Award Duties… « bipolarmuse
Reblogged this on bipolarmuse and commented:
Bipolarmuse ♥
April 24, 2012 at 11:51 am
Thank you for sharing such a personal and tragic part of yourself. I could never understand what you’ve experienced, but I had a brother who took his life, so I can relate in some way to the suffering. Continue to write, to share, and through this, you are providing a light of truth, honesty, and vulnerability to yourself and to other. Peace my friend.
April 24, 2012 at 1:21 pm
I reposted your site on my blog: http://linguisticpozole.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/bipolarmuse-%E2%99%A5-what-do-you-want-from-me/
April 24, 2012 at 2:15 pm
Thank you! I am so honored… ♥
April 24, 2012 at 2:30 pm
Hmmm. What more can we seriously have in common? After 15 years together, it took mine 15 months to pass, but he went at Christmas, as a bonus. Still can’t believe I didn’t OD on valium that year. Our girls & I were just preparing to decorate the most magnificent tree we had ever had & next thing my in-laws are in my living room. They blamed me. It’s a glorious road. Hugs.
April 24, 2012 at 4:56 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. I remember the beginning when it was so raw and painful… the pain diminished… yet the scars are still there. The blame game is very unfair. People who choose to commit suicide do so of their own free will. It is tragic for everyone. ♥
April 24, 2012 at 5:01 pm
Thinking of you…
April 24, 2012 at 9:19 pm
Thank you. ♥
May 5, 2012 at 11:07 am
I am sitting here..absolutely stunned..completely devastated for you and sick to my stomach..I have read the other parts of the story… I know this..I am waiting for the call… to say I am sorry could never touch the beginning of the hurt and sadness I dont think..but I am so very very sorry… I know it will come.. the call.. and I don;t know what I will do.
May 5, 2012 at 10:58 am
Waiting for that call is brutal. It is something you know will happen, yet somewhere and somehow you have hope that you are wrong. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. This man had been trying to kill himself off and on since he was 13yrs old and had an addiction to drugs for many years. I believe I just kept him alive 2 extra years. I was hoping I could change him. His suicide anniversary is The 29th of this month… he will be gone 10 years this year. 10 long years. It took me so long to get over the pain and guilt of his choice… I guess in some ways, it never goes away. This year is less painful and I am looking forward to visiting his grave site. I just found out they moved him (Thank God). When he was 1st buried, the burial site was a sad sight…he was in the corner like he was being punished and it just looked awful in comparison to all the money his parents had. He is now buried in a beautiful plot that reflects his families means and a show of love for their son. I will be happy to visit…. it has been 9 years since I last visited him though I have seen him in my dreams for years. ♥
May 5, 2012 at 11:18 am
I hope that you find some peace..it sounds that you are .. in visiting and that he is in a better place… I mean..physically located. I am not sure I would have the strength. Last month..he sent me a picture of a pile of pills and threatened to take them…2 weeks ago…he sent me a picture holding a gun in his mouth… I know it is coming…and I know I can;t save him … but the guilt of letting go.. thank you for sharing your story…
May 5, 2012 at 11:38 am
Oh my god… I FEEL for you sooooo much. I have been through something so similar and it is very hard. VERY hard. I can only imagine how mentally tormenting that is on you. Your story reminds me so much of mine… as you will see as I write more. I didn’t get the mental torment after ending things like you are… I sympathize with what you are going through. Getting pictures like that is excruciatingly painful and manipulative.
I am here for you if you need anyone to talk to. My email is under my contact page. I am here for you. ♥ Even if you just need to vent.
May 5, 2012 at 11:58 am