Many Are Strong In the Broken Places
“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.” Ernest Hemingway
This is a beautiful strong statement that rings validity. Think of it this way… broken bones in your body heal pretty darn quickly… the legs being the slowest because they are weight bearing. Within a certain amount of time (I think 1 year, maybe less), a broken bone is completely healed and is in actuality stronger where it was broken. (Please correct me if I am incorrect).
Isn’t that a testament to who we are as humans?? When we feel broken and shattered, in time… the strength becomes more than it had ever been. The will and determination ignites with a fierce passion. The hard part is that we want instant gratification instead of waiting for that healing and building process to take place.
Have faith my friends… we heal. Maybe slowly at first, but with diligence and perseverance we can do it! I believe in the power of the human spirit!!
© bipolarmuse 2012
A Rebound Day
A rebound day… from an excruciating pain.
A moment to breathe without,
the shaking of my chest.
A moment to relish in the beauty
of dry eyes and steady breath.
A beautiful note left,
with prayers, hope, and love.
A moment to forgive myself,
accept what cannot be undone…
Move forward, embrace myself with Love.
I stepped out in the beauty of the sun,
Heard the chirping of birds, Saw mother nature…
In her glorious gifts of flowers and trees.
Praised my Creator… for the possibility
of each one of my dreams.
Praised my Creator for another day,
to walk in beauty, and loving grace.
Today is a miracle, and tomorrow…
I will walk into a blessed day.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** As many of you know, yesterday was a brutal day. I literally cried from sun up to sun down. Completely unexpected. Tomorrow will be a glorious day, of love and beauty. I fly to see 2 pieces of me and I look forward to every single second of each day that I am with them. I look forward to their loving playful spirits and I will be embraced by their beautiful light, love, and energy. They are part of the light during my darkest days.**
Thank you for all the comments and concern yesterday. I truly was moved and appreciative to each and every one of you.
Love and Light ♥
Mood Swing Quote for Monday!!
“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Wow. Today has been a seriously overwhelming day. I went from happy (or the best version of it I can find) the last couple weeks to falling flat on my face. Crying from the moment I awoke… and still at this moment.
This, my friends, is Bipolar. Ugly, vile, shattering, not a discerning reason for the swing.
I will pick myself up again, I always do.
Someday the tears will sting less, the sorrow dwindle. I would rather it be sooner than later… Please. 
© bipolarmuse 2012
Today
So close, So soon.
Today
One of those days.
The tears flow freely,
I feel like I could forget to breathe.
But just two more days and I will be with two parts of my heart and soul,
My two beautiful babies.
I long to embrace them…
Kiss them from head to toe.
Remind them I am there at all times,
in their heart of hearts and soul of souls.
That even when I can’t be seen,
I share with them the sun, stars…
and the glorious moon beam.
That they are felt and loved in every inch of me.
And one day soon,
So very close, each day, I will be.
© bipolarmuse 2012
On With My Award Duties…
These awesome bloggers awarded me with several awards!! Makes me ecstatic to be shown so much love.
Novice Journal – 7×7 Link Award
Lara: On The Weigh Down – The versatile blogger award
Seasons Change, and Change, and Change – The versatile blogger award
It’s Just One Aspect – The versatile blogger award
Now, since there are so many rules that come with these… I will break a few. LOL. I am sorry I must rebel, but I will do my best.
The Versatile Blogger Award has the following rules:
Post a picture of the award.
Thank the award giver
Share 7 random facts about yourself
Nominate 15 other bloggers about this and tell the so
Random things about muah… not an easy task. LOL
1. I use to be a workout fanatic
2. I would like to be a workout fanatic again
3. I love the color red and color my hair, of coarse, red.
4. I have a love for pop music… LOL… don’t hate
5. I like Hookahs
6. I like collecting flasks… LOL… but have lost all that I have collected. Gotta start again.
7. I have no clue about the different styles of poetry, I just write.
My 15 nominee’s:
1. Warrior Poet Wisdom – Such inspiration and insight.
2. Mortal Hearts with Immortal Souls – Very inspirational and full of positivity.
3. Verse Not Prose – Love the poetry.
4. Vampire Weather – Unique … and a muse to me.
5. Aspire, Motivate, Succeed! – The title says it all.
6. arjun1097 Revelation – Draws me in, love the poetry
7. Picnic with ants – an inspiration to me.
8. As the Pendulum Swings – I can relate so very much.
9. Ben Naga – Great poetry.
10. LSCOTT POETRY – Beautiful.
11. Stronghold (Bluesander) – Beautiful poetry I very much relate to.
12. Art Epiphany – Absolutely love the poetry.
13. Cheaper Than Therapy – A new blog I just discovered. Inspirational.
14. thepoeticgoblin – Poetry I can relate to very much.
15. Miss Mental Health – Mental health is something I can VERY much relate to. Love the rantings.
7×7 Link Award
I think I am gonna go nuts following all these rules… I will give it my best shot.
Here are the steps. All 50 3 of them: I am keeping this from the last blogger because it is hilariously true.
- Write some random fact about yourself. (Posting “I am a blogger” does NOT count.)
- List 7 of your posts that you think deserve to be read. (And apparently they’re categorized.)
- Nominate 7 other bloggers – which I do not think I have it in me to do so at this time. I adore so many blogs. Please forgive me for this rule breaking.
Fact: Do not laugh – I love The Vampire Diaries and find Damon to be the most hilarious, antagonistic jerk, but he is my most favorite character in the show. He is such a jack arse and I love it. I hear he gets nicer later… but I am hoping not too nice. I think I will get the books. LOL
Time to link up to some of my favorite posts!
Most Popular: Mindfulness for Sunday
Most Controversial: Bruised – About my sons abuse and the hell and pain it put me through. I cry as I explain this… so I won’t say more about it. Just read if you like.
Most Helpful: Being Mindful
Most Underrated: What do you want from me?? – About my ex’s suicide.
Most Surprisingly Successful: A Letter To Mom – About my Mommy (yes, I am an adult but she will always be mommy).
Most Beautiful: To Memorize Them – About my beautiful, amazing children. Tears well in my eyes. They are my everything.
Most Pride Worthy: The Pendulum Swings – about my disorder, how it brings me down, yet I continue to get back up.
Mindfulness For Sunday
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ Dalai Lama
This quote truly needs to be taken by heart. How many times have we offered love, compassion, and kindness to friends and loved ones, even at times to strangers in need… offering hope, reminding them that the events they are hurting from will become easier.
Yet we do not take the time to do so for ourselves.
For myself personally, I am my worst enemy. It was brought to my attention that I still retain much guilt over the pain of my past. Past mistakes that, because I was not fully in control of my emotions, has caused me terrible grief. A mourning if you would. A hurting from the pain I have caused to others as well. I continue to inflict this pain upon myself and keep the wounds open, not allowing full healing to take place.
Friends, this love and compassion, yes it must be extended to others. It gives a great feeling within to do so… brings a peace and an enlightenment. Yet, we must also water our own souls with this same loving kindness and compassion. We must forgive ourselves. How that is done, I am not sure. I do believe acceptance is the key, and a lesson I am learning the hard way.
I have hurt myself the most by my past. Others have already moved forward and accepted it, but perhaps never forgetting, the terrible pain I have caused. I must move forward and do the same. I must love me. In doing so, I will open my heart and learn to fully love others.
I am, as I have mentioned before… a work in progress.
I will do it, I have faith.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Decorate My Own Soul
Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
Veronica A. Shoffstall
My yearning soul, waiting.
Ever so patient,
To grow the strength,
To travel the distance…
Quench my appetency to love me.
I want to disencumber this fervent need,
For acceptance from an external source.
To “decorate my own soul”.
From the cracks in my heart, grow…
My own garden, from my being,
A beauty, strength, a love that embraces
The grace of me.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Awards, Awards, Awards!
**Thank you so very much to these amazing bloggers!!**
I am so very stoked to be nominated for 4 awards the last few days! As you know these awards can take quite some time to put together and nominate others, so please be patient with me.
I would like to give a shout out to the 4 bloggers who nominated me so you can check out their awesome blogs.
Novice Journal – nominated me for 7×7 link award
Lara: On the Weigh Down – nominated me for The Versatile Blogger Award
Seasons Change, and Change, and Change! – nominated me for The Versatile Blogger Award
It’s just One Aspect – Nominated me for the The Versatile Blogger Award
I will do my best to get my nominations passed on within the next couple days.
A Letter to Mom
Mom,
when we couldn’t see through the night
to tomorrow,
you pulled us through.
When days and nights were cold,
full of someones rage…
You helped guide us through.
When life offered doubt
and fear,
you gave truth.
When drowning in sadness and tears,
your strength was proof…
of life, and how we choose.
When I hit my lowest,
your voice quivered with fear
with love…
you offered me your roof.
Your love has seen us..
Through and through.
Your love and acceptance has saved
my life…
Look at me, I am living proof.
I love you Mommy
forever and through.
© bipolarmuse 2012
**My Sister and I were recently discussing how we have such love and sincere words for those we have lost but forget to recognize those who have remained a constant through our lives. I would like to take a moment and dedicate this to my Mommy.**
Mindfulness thought of today.
I agree.
If you do not experience hardships or sorrow, how do you know and experience the true value of happiness and personal growth?
I do not believe in such a thing as “always happy”, but I do believe in peace. Even in our darkest moments, there is light… you just may have to search a little harder to see it. There is the peace that comes with acceptance and going with the flow, though sometimes our minds want to rebel against such a thing.
Yesterday and its sadness, mistakes, and shortcomings are gone… no time machines to go back and fix it. Today, this moment, we can make changes to prevent the wrong doings of our past from repeating itself. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Right this moment is the only moment we have. We can still plan for the future and have hopes, dreams, and goals, but take the steps to reach them today… and hope tomorrow comes.
If not, you lived today to its fullest potential, and find contentment in that knowledge.
p.s. Never pass an opportunity to offer love and kindness.
© bipolarmuse 2012
The Pieces Of Me
The Pieces of Me
Pieces
Fragile, yet inexpungible.
A collapsed world, state of being.
A billion shards resting
Beneath this broken, bleeding body.
Pieces
Just a fragment or two
A chase of a whimsical place,
A familiar face.
Yet, all to reconcile is this broken state.
Pieces
My heart, have you forgot?
I am in the grips of a simple need,
Just one fickle beat.
My determination will continue on…
with The Pieces of Me.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Bipolar Quote of Every Few Days
“The greatest communication barrier known to man is the lack of the common core of experience “When’s the last time you had a Manic Episode Doctor”?”
― Stanley Victor Paskavich
Oh my, oh my. I think I appreciate Docs who suffer or who have a personal experience with mood disorders (aside from their patients that is). How do you explain a depression, a mood, that makes you sleep 15+ hours a day?? Or makes you stay in pajamas for days on end without you not sounding “lazy”??
Or how do you explain the circus you heard in the hall from “psychosis”, from the inability to sleep? The images that scroll through your mind 50mph that leave you exhausted? The 10 books you have just begun reading at the same time, or the 10 different projects you took on only to leave them all incomplete? How do you explain the decisions that destroyed your life during a manic episode?? Or how you feel like you cannot go on because the life you lived is now in a billion shards on the floor under your bleeding body??
How do you explain such things to a person who has zero personal experience in the matter of mood disorders…aside from textbooks?
A difficult balance indeed.
What a fun convo with your PDoc though, ” So Doc, tell me, are you a manic depressive? Do you lack interest in activities? Or become promiscuous when manic?” LOL… I should ask my Doc.
© bipolarmuse 2012
The Candle Lighter Award
**I want to give a HUGE thank you to ‘Nessa (Bluesander) for nominating me for this award. Her poetry is amazing I am so very honored for the gift of this award.**
Apparently Rules do not accompany this nomination so here it goes.
The Candle Lighter Award is an award for a post or blog that is positive and brings light into the world. The Candle Lighter Award belongs to those who believe, who always survive the day and who never stop dreaming, who do not quit but keep trying. There are no rules. If you wish to, simply accept it and you are done! You are also free to decline or ignore it. Recipients can pass it on to as many nominees as they wish and as often as they wish.
~~
I’m going to nominate those who inspire me, the blogs I enjoy reading, the blogs that are real, funny, and some with edge, and those who enjoy coming back to mine.
These are in no specific order… just random. I do enjoy more blogs than these listed, but decided to choose eight (also a favorite number), otherwise it could get out of hand. lol.
Please do check out these following blogs.
Bipolarmuse ♥ An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison
Image via Wikipedia
This is one of my favorite books about manic depressive illness. In fact, I would say Kay Redfield Jamison is one of my favorite authors. “Touched With Fire” and “Night Falls Fast” are both amazing reads as well. She touches so well on the circus in my head I described earlier… the sensory explosion that happens to me during a manic stage.
Romeo of Words
Rigid, razor-blade sheets.
Love, adoration, admiration,
Through the sheets they seep.
My Romeo of action.
My Romeo of words…
In my world of reality and of dreams.
Paper cut wonder…
Each loving word embraces…
Mesmerizes. Lives free.
Each word begs my heart…
To destroy this marble wall that guards.
Begs for my heart to be set free.
My Romeo Of Actions…
My Romeo of words.
Each letter, verse, even to my dreams they reach.
♥
© bipolarmuse 2012
Reblog from Voices Of Glass
Voices of Glass has formed a couple of polls for those who suffer from Bipolar Disorder regarding sleep patterns and has asked that the post be rebloged for those who have a mental health related blog.
Sleep is such an important part of every persons life, especially for those with mood disorders. Sleep issues can either be a sign of an upcoming episode OR they can trigger an episode… so as you can imagine, regular sleep habits/patterns are very important.
For myself, I must try to get a good amount of sleep each night to keep mania at bay. Weekly I will have a night or two where only a few hours of sleep come to me, but then the rest of the week will be ok. There are several issues with sleep though… falling asleep, staying asleep, and falling back to sleep when woken up in the middle of the night. And sadly, I am a very light sleeper.
Usually, lack of sleep means an impending manic episode, and for me, allot of sleep is usually indicative of depression…though it is not always the case.
For those with Bipolar disorder, the sleep polls are interesting and it gives you instant feedback regarding what percentage you fall into.
Check it out… Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Patterns by Voices of Glass.
United States of Tara
Image via Wikipedia
** DISCLAIMER**
I am in NO way making like of mental disorders. I suffer from them myself and I know how debilitating and serious they are. That being said, I believe we must have humor. A laugh to help myself get through this life, as I find it a must for my spirit and soul.**
I have found this TV series on Netflix and began watching it recently. It is about a woman who suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder in which she has multiple personalities or “alters” as they call them on the show. The show makes me laugh so much, not because of the disorder, but the personalities themselves. I am not trying to insult anyone with the disorder, and I know there are different degrees of the disorder itself. For myself personally, they believe I have experienced a bit of the disorder because of blacking out very traumatic experiences… though I do not have other “personalities”. That being said, the series is great if you like to have a laugh. I do believe it is pretty accurate as well, as far as having multiple personalities goes. I recently re-read the book ” I’m Eve“, and was in awe with her stories. You can also look up youtube videos of interviews done with her switching personalities on command, you can search either by her real name, Chris Costner Sizemore, or by Eve White and Eve Black. Sounds like a fluke, but it was very real and you can read many accounts of her story. The reason I mention this is because the TV series seems to follow right along with the medical information and several truthful accounts of those who have this disorder. Only the show adds humor to it and it is not based on a true story of a specific person.
If you like to have a good laugh and a little insight to D.I.D, watch United States of Tara.
If you enjoy reading, the book I’m Eve about Chris Costner Sizemore is awesome. I could not put it down and read it in a couple of days. An amazing account of this woman’s life and how she reconciled her personalities.
I Believe
This cloudy…wondrous day.
A gift from our universe, our creator.
A time to sit, enjoy,
A time to ponder.
A most favorable time for me…
To stare at the gray world above.
In awe, amazement,
To feel so small under the sky,
Another world above.
Just a speckle I am, in this vast
world of galaxies, earth, and oceans.
How can we look to the sky, and not see a Creator??
How can we look at the complexity of a forest, the oceans,
The intricacy of the stars, moon, our solar system…
the magnitude of what we still do not know about our world,
And not see a Creator?
How can we watch a caterpillar change into a butterfly
and not see a Creator.
I look within, to the elaborateness of me.
The inner being, the beauty, the light that shines as a beacon
for me.
I look within to my weaknesses, but also to my strength…
my determination, the endurance, the depth of my
personality.
How could I look within, in the mirror, and not see a Creator?
I do see…
I do believe.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** Just pondering our world under the beautiful gray skies. I would not say I am religious, but I look at our world with awe, with admiration.
I cannot help believing. As I carried my children in my womb, something so beautiful and miraculous… I believed. For myself, there is no way that I cannot.**
What NOT to say to PDoc
Those of you who have been following what I write for a little while now know that I have a sense of humor…especially regarding my mental disorders.
* I was having a normal visit with my PDoc (Psychiatrist), who I love because she is very down to earth, has a sense of humor, and truly wants to help. It was at the end of our visit and she was going through the normal set of questions she has to ask at every appointment:
PDoc- Are you suicidal?
Me- Nah.
PDoc- Are you homicidal?
Me- Laughs a sincere belly laugh as I shake my head.
The PDoc stops dead in her tracks and looks at me. She was very serious looking, then the following comment was said:
PDoc- bipolarmuse, you can NOT do the evil laugh when I ask you if you are homicidal.
Me- I laugh and tell her, “that is also what my boyfriend says”. * LOL
I certainly hope she did not take me serious, as of coarse, I am not homicidal. Given the banter between us during most visits, it was a nice break in our visit as we normally accomplish. In another post, I will give another example of her hilarious attitude on life. She is a perfect PDoc fit for me, which does not happen often. I will mention that she is a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, which I absolutely love. My current regular Doc is also a Nurse Practitioner. I must say that I truly have better experiences with them than a regular Physician. They seem to have more time to go over things with you and seem a little more interested in you as a person. I know that certainly is not always the case, but in my experience, it has been a great pairing for me.
** DISCLAIMER**
I am not homicidal. Not at all.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Intimacy
Intimacy…
At times you elude me,
confuse me,
In the shadows you remain hidden…
From me.
Intimacy…
Sometimes I hate you,
Berate you,
Wish to pummel your essence…
To come to a truce.
Intimacy…
Sometimes I wish these walls to fall,
To give my all.
To crave, need, and want…
To give my mind, my heart… my All.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Bipolar Quote of The Day!
I know I am not consistent with these…lol…but I AM working on it.
“I compare myself with my former self, not with others. Not only that, I tend to compare my current self with the best I have been, which is when I have been midly manic. When I am my present “normal” self, I am far removed from when I have been my liveliest, most productive, most intense, most outgoing and effervescent. In sort, for myself, I am a hard act to follow.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
The last sentence, ” In sort, for myself, I am a hard act to follow”.
This speaks magnitudes, especially when one is manic. When in a “happy” state of mania, dreams are constructed, projects created or renewed, creativity and confidence are both at full steam. I have visions of a brighter future, of independence from dependence, of happiness radiating from within myself to the point I can “feel”, taste it on my tongue because I am so close. In mania, I have taught myself to crochet (don’t laugh) and I will post my most recent finished creation at the bottom of this post… I have also taught myself to make wax melts like “Scentsy”, before they even came out, I taught myself to make candles, how to build a website (from builders though, lol, not HTML), I can read book after book… you name it, I can do it. I become the social butterfly and can go to commitment after commitment, have large amounts of fun, speak publicly without nervousness. But at some point, the crash comes. I have 20 projects lying around unfinished, the hopes and dreams for the future slap me with reality (it takes baby steps), and then the depression is unbearable. I become a recluse unable to even get out of pajamas. Sorrow envelopes me.
But for a brief time, my contagious laughter, fun and energetic charisma, my very aura… it truly is a hard act to follow.
My recent crochet project, made for my oldest son, a blanket: 
My Personal Experience with Psychosis
I, luckily, have experienced Psychosis only twice in my life.
Some people see little green men and TRULY believe there are little green men standing there. My experience was nothing of the sort and I want to share it with you.
After my son was abused and I was in a seriously bad mental state (manic, not sleeping, depressed beyond expression, losing tons of weight…down to 100lbs, homicidal thoughts, you name it… I was not doing well at all).
I came home from work one night to find nobody home. They house was completely empty and I decided to take a bath to try to relax and relieve stress. After I ran the water and was soaking in the hot water trying to clear my mind, I heard (loudly like I was there) a circus taking place. I could hear the horns of clown cars and the crunching of popcorn as people chewed, I heard people shuffling to their seats and the sounds of elephants and circus music. I heard these sounds so distinctly I could completely envision the scene. I knew this couldn’t be real of coarse, because the house was not big enough to hold a circus. LOL. So I figured someone was home and watching a movie with surround sound on. I wrapped in a towel and decided to open the bathroom door, I guess to reassure myself, or say hi to my oldest children. I opened the door and the house was completely dark, nobody was there and it was so silent I could hear my own breathing. I climbed back into my bath, a little baffled and disturbed, and as soon as I rested my head, the sounds and images came back. It literally was like there was a circus taking place outside my bathroom door, in the itty bitty hallway. Every sound was crystal clear in my head. However, I knew this could not be occurring and that my mind was busy making crap up.
The second incident happened one night when I got off of work and was scrambling for my keys to unlock the front door. Just as I put the key in, I could hear and see a 50′s-60′s bar scene from the movies. Ladies in flapper style dresses, men in suits, bright red lipstick, music in the background. I could smell perfume, cologne, alcohol, mustiness. There was a piano man, the ladies had cute accents and were witty and smart-mouthed, the men equally so. I realized that this too was not real so I opened the door, convinced that somebody was home, again watching a movie. I opened the door to blackness and silence. Everyone was already in bed as it was a school/work night.
Of coarse I shared this information with my P-Doc and therapist and they both informed my that I was in Psychosis. The definition of Psychosis is: fundamental derangement of the mind (as in schizophrenia) characterized by defective or lost contact with reality especially as evidenced by delusions, hallucinations, and disorganized speech and behavior.
Now, I have never been diagnoses with schizophrenia, but under extreme fatigue and mental distress, anyone can go into psychosis (scary isn’t it). That is why sleep is so very important, and the control of stress in our lives. I am lucky because I knew the scenarios were not real. Imagine the poor souls who think what they are experiencing is truly real and happening. They have no idea that it is separate from real life.
I was blessed because those are the only episodes I have ever had. The doctors chalked it up to extreme emotional stress, fatigue, and mania. That is why I work on controlling these issues, though I do wish I could ride a “small roller-coaster” from time to time.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Never Away From You
I miss you, long for you…
In every breathing moment,
Even when the glorious moon shines,
My mind is never away from you.
Your beautiful heart, your brutal truth…
Your delicate eyes staring at me.
Every tender moment we share, please know…
My heart is never away from you.
Your compassion, determination… my muse.
Your soft touch, and playfulness,
Every experience shared, please remember…
My soul is never away from you.
Your sadness, anger, valid feelings… true.
Peace will abound, love surround…
Healing… proof from our affection never lost.
My love… my very being is never away from you.
© bipolarmuse 2012
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
Hmmmm, Spam??
So I was reading on another blog, Running Naked With Scissors, how some peoples comments (legitimate comments) were going to the spam section. I decided to check mine out and was upset that several bloggers, whom I recognize, were in my spam box! How in the world is that happening??
Just wanted to get the message out there because apparently it is happening to several bloggers.
Very frustrating indeed.
Check your spam peeps… hopefully it is just a glitch… it makes me mad nonetheless.
January 30, 2012 | Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: comments, spam | 11 Comments »