Old Journal Entry ~ I break ~
I came across one of my journals that I wrote in before I realized my youngest son was being abused. Let me give you a little back story to this journal entry that I am going to put in this post. ~ At the time I wrote this, I knew that something was wrong with my son. I didn’t know he was being abused and I thought that the change in him was because he missed his Dad. My son just seemed so sad. As I write this I feel sick to my stomach. I thought that maybe he was depressed and really struggling with the change… I was so worried I made a Psychiatric appointment for him. I was regretting my decision to leave his father… on many counts… but especially because I thought my son was in mental anguish over it.
Here is the entry… it is very hard to write out. My son was 4. It hurts me to the core that I didn’t realize he was being abused.
~ E hurts me to the core. He is so sad. His face screams it. Just the thought of the sorrow in his eyes makes me cry from my inner being…hurts me like my tears could be blood. We have been here for three months… how long will it take for him to be happy again? We went to the park today and he played all of 2 minutes then sat down and said that he didn’t feel good and didn’t want to play. He started crying and said “I’m sad”. Oh my God my heart hurts. I want to go lay with him and hold him..and cry until he acts like a normal little boy. What have I done to him? What kind of affect will this have on him in the long run. I break. ~
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
I like the writing not the story. It’s sad. A mother’s pain of helplessness. I know it too well.
July 14, 2012 at 11:11 AM
It was horrible and something I needed to get out of my head. When I read that entry…emotions and memories came back to me..
July 14, 2012 at 11:12 AM
I could imagine.
July 14, 2012 at 11:22 AM
Aww, this is so sad. You must have been through a lot.
July 14, 2012 at 2:51 PM
It was torture…for a moment, the Docs thought he may have cancer so we went to an oncologist but my son was healthy. Once I knew this… the only other possibility was abuse. The last 2.5 yrs have been rough…but my son is healing.
July 14, 2012 at 3:06 PM
That’s awful. You must be really strong.
I hope you both have many happy times ahead of you though
July 14, 2012 at 3:11 PM
Thank you very much. Strength comes day by day… but I am making it. ♥
July 14, 2012 at 3:17 PM
I am aching for you….
July 14, 2012 at 4:30 PM
Thank you Edward… it was terrible to live through…and finding this journal brought a flood of emotions. Good to deal with those now though. ♥
July 15, 2012 at 9:44 AM
Sometimes it is good to relive old feelings with new perspective
July 15, 2012 at 8:03 PM
So very heartbreaking. It must have been so hard to reread this.
But I am so glad you recognised something was wrong, even if you weren’t yet aware of the full horror. This must have been one of the worst experiences a mother could endure, seeing her precious child in such pain.
But you didn’t disregard it, you were there for your son. What a wonderful gift you gave him.
Take care of yourself. ♡
July 14, 2012 at 4:44 PM
Thank you for your kind words. I knew something was wrong… I guess sometimes it is hard to fathom that a grown adult has the capacity to hurt a small child so viciously. I am glad we were not there long and the truth came out sooner than later. That man could have killed my son.
July 15, 2012 at 9:47 AM
Your last sentence is so terrible to read.
You said in your post it hurt you that you didn’t know your son was being abused –
But you DID know something very serious was wrong, and you DID do all you could to help him.
You saved your son’s life.
You are a strong and loving mother.
Your children are very fortunate. ♡
July 15, 2012 at 9:56 AM
Thank you for your beautiful words…sometimes it is hard to remember those things. Healing is taking place, which is important. ♥
July 15, 2012 at 9:59 AM
Its so panic and sad !
July 14, 2012 at 9:00 PM
very sad…
July 15, 2012 at 9:48 AM
Oh, my dear…I am so sorry. Our own son, when he was four, suffered at the hands of his own child minder. My wife was devastated, because we trusted her so much. We were lucky to know soon, and remove him from that environment.
If our own experience is any judge, you may not feel like the best mother for ‘letting’ this happen – but you are. You are THE BEST for seeing, for caring, for loving him.
I hope your son will grow up to be strong, and that he may help you to be strong as well. Take care, both of you.
July 14, 2012 at 9:06 PM
Thank you Satis. I am sorry to hear of your own sons abuse. It is devastating and so hard to believe that someone is capable of doing such cruel things to a child. And you hit the nail on the head… my therapy has often revolved around the fact that I beat myself up because I put him into the environment where he was being hurt. I couldn’t even say the words “I am a good Mom” for a couple years because of it. I felt like I had let him down…that somehow it was my fault. Thank you for your kind words… they really touched me. ♥
July 15, 2012 at 9:52 AM
Very heart felt… I’m sure your son will understand your feelings, and will be happy for the sweetest present in his life – His Mom!
*HuGs*
July 14, 2012 at 9:57 PM
Thank you so very much… he is very much my little guy and he adores me.
Time has healed him a-lot and I must say that he is doing really well after this horrible experience… probably better than me. ♥
July 15, 2012 at 9:54 AM
Keep going.. My heartiest wishes…
July 17, 2012 at 11:35 AM
Thank you so much. ♥
July 17, 2012 at 12:15 PM
I’m sorry… Through all my lives and experiences I think I’ve had children very few times. Maybe two, three times that I can remember offhand. I don’t think they’ve ever been abused, but if they had been I would have crushed the perpetrator like an insect. I don’t care who it is. No one is going to hurt my babies. That’s the long and short of it.
It’s terrible to have something like that happen. I’m glad that you’re healing, but it still makes me sick to my stomach at the thought of someone ever hurting another like that. And it also makes me horribly furious. i can deal with a lot of things and understand a lot of pain, but senseless, mindless abuse is not something I really want to understand. It’s probably a fatal flaw for someone who claims to be capable of listening to anything and everything, but….
No. I wouldn’t be able to accept that. I don’t think I’d be able to forgive that. Not as a mother. Even as distant as the feelings are I still remember what it was like to raise a child- and of course I can feel it through my own parents. No. If I had to deal with that… I’d level cities to find who was responsible.
-
On a lighter, calmer note (though not by much), thank you for sharing all the same. It’s good to let it out. I wish I could give you a big hug. It feels like it hurts a lot still. Don’t give in! You’re strong and things are much, much better now. Keep your eyes on the prize, as they say- whatever the prize(s) may be.
<3s,
Eris
July 16, 2012 at 8:09 AM
You words hit home. I am not sure forgiveness will come from me towards that cruel man. I hope my son will find peace and even forgive or let go… I need him to because I am not sure I able. ♥ He is doing amazing now though and he has amazed me with his strengths. ♥
July 16, 2012 at 11:39 AM