Another May Comes Around

Wow… I do not know where the time has gone! Of course, as I think about the last 20 years,  I think back to the different struggles (and the happy moments as well), I do not feel like I am the same person. Somehow, that part of me has died and left behind this part of me to move forward and forge a new path. I truly feel dead from the 2001 Muse… or the 1999 Muse. I do have some lingering pieces of myself from the 2003-2009 part of me though… and I hold onto those with a terrifying need. I feel like the pieces are slowly falling through my fingers to shatter and become scattered at my feet. For some reason, I feel this insane hunger to hold onto that time frame.

I do that as well with thoughts of B. For those of you who have followed along, you should remember who B is. For those of you who are new, or if you need a refresher… he is an ex who killed himself a couple months after we broke up. We had a very tumultuous relationship full of anger, doubt, hate, love, passion, and a need to feed off of the toxic elements we both brought to the table.

This year is his 12yr death anniversary. Wow. It is so crazy to think about how long ago that feels, yet the raw emotion of his choice still scratches hungrily at my heart, needing to feed on the misery, the sadness, the “why’s”. It is crazy… we all know the big “WHY”…. it is the smaller ones I need answered… the more personal… the acts directed at me personally… my “why’s” lie in that grey area and will never be satisfactorily answered. Only in the truth of Gods love and promise will I find the answers to my questions, providing there is such a place…

And so I sit.

I wonder.

I ponder.

My head gets heavy and water threatens to ruin my mascara and eyeliner.

Not this year… I won’t cry. I will smile to myself and laugh… shake my head in the realization he did hold up to ONE promise… he swore he would… But, he did say it wouldn’t be goodbye, it would be “see you soon”… we will see if that promise stands the test of time.

6 thoughts on “Another May Comes Around”

  1. There is one thing I learned for myself this year that I think has saved me. I can’t live in my stories of the past…going over and over what was, what might have been, why this, why that…nor can I live in the stories of the future…what if this happens, what if it doesn’t, what if that doesn’t stop, what if it does…what if?….the only thing I can do is take the opportunity this moment has given me and live it to the fullest. Just staying in this moment. It’s hard. It takes a lot of practice, and I’m not great at it yet, but I have to do it. I was drowning in the history of the past, and the unknowing of the future. Today is a Gift, that’s why they call it the Present. Accept your present. Remember the only thing that is permanent is impermanence. take solace in this, no that no matter how much you may hurt or how hard things may be, it will change….everything changes. take care of you dear one.


    1. Yes.. and no. :( For some reason, writing has become kind of difficult which is totally normal for me when I am doing well… but, I feel like I need to write all the time to help me, a therapy of sorts… and then I lose the words I want to say…lol
      A vicious circle. :)


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