The Monster I Loathe…


I have been struggling lately and it is crushing. My chest is heavy, my eyes are tearful, all I want to feel is painless mentally and physically… I want to be numb. I totally understand how many people with mental issues have substance abuse problems as well. Sometimes it comes to the ancient  question of what came first, the chicken or the egg?

My heart hurts and my mind keeps diving into the past causing me to have “flashes” of moments that hurt me to my core, to my very soul. I want to go back in time and slap the shit out of myself… I want to yell and scream, I want to release my rage and rid myself of the monster on my back. I want to go back to a time when I did not know hate. To a time when my blood didn’t run cold. To a time that just one change, would have prevented this pain. Could it have been prevented?

My brain has me hostage. I hope with all my heart that God is real… and I hope He can remove this unhealthy brain and show me what it is to be pain free… to feel content, to show me what it is like to replace tears of pain and heartache to tears of happiness.

Life is brutally beautiful. It is happiness, and it is alot of pain as well. Those painful moments help us to recognize and appreciate the good… right? I absolutely hate to lose sight, and I feel like just that is happening.

I feel like my only reprieve is sleep. And luckily, the medications I am on help me to sleep very well. I am very appreciative for that little miracle. I know just how destructive it is to lack in sleep… it is horrible and makes life so much harder.

It is what it is, right? Life that is.

Another day down…

I will just pop another pill and hope for a numbing moment where I can sit here truly in the present and appreciate the good I do have instead of lingering in my head where there’s a constant reminder of the regret that swallows me whole.

I just want happiness to be the basis of my being.

Is that too much to ask for?

6 thoughts on “The Monster I Loathe…”

  1. No it’s NOT. You’re so right it’s beauty and pain. And fortunately hope springs eternal. It’s easy to say but I prove it to myself all the time when lying face down on the sofa unable to get up, then time passes and I’m up.

    You’ve expressed this so well. Godspeed to you, I know you’re actually a real softie! :) We have a tendency to believe our own drama more than our own joy. You’ll find it there again.


  2. lets start with this: god is real. I recently discovered that in my own life event. keep this in mind too. your relationship with god is to be a pure one. taking the religion out of it helps a lot. I’ve got a suggestion which I’ve been using as it helps a quite a bit. I’ve turned to meditating. there is all kinds of it online for free you can listen too. when you meditate it means that you are letting god in to talk to you. prayer is the opposite as you talk to him. give it a try. you know I’ve been through a lot of this myself muse. i’m here if you need me. i’d even go a step further if it mattered. my number is on facebook. just saying….it just shows you I care is all.


  3. no, it’s not too much to ask for. maybe we don’t ask for enough. i miss you, my friend. get through the bad days, because you have seen the good ones. i envy the way you approach it all, and that makes such a difference. <3


  4. Reblogged this on Being a Bipolar Mother and commented:
    This post reminded me of the major depression I suffered in 2012. I didn’t know I was Bipolar at the time, but my poetic voice did. I wrote many poems to voice what I was experiencing. As I told a gentlemen earlier today ” I believe that poetry translates my illness into bursts of imagery; sometimes creating images I fear I can’t always control.”

    I look forward to more posts. And if you’re up to it, I’m appreciate a look at my blogs (I have two). I’m looking for a mentor to tackle my memoir.


    1. Thank you so much for reading and reblogging. :) I am honored that you could relate to my writing and emotions that go along with it… I will certainly take a look at your blogs, thank you for stopping by and for the comments. I always appreciate the support. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

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