Yesterday I wrote a poem titled “Your Tears“. Now, when I wrote it, I had a concept in mind… and I was very tired from some serious lack of sleep. So as I was re-reading what I wrote, I realized I had many incoherent sentences and misspellings… etc. My lack of sleep (literally had about 2-3 hours), combined with my psych meds was evident. So this morning I took the few minutes it needed to fix it.
So, my apologies for the horrible writing I put forth yesterday. It is fixed.
Your tears hold me captive…
no amount of struggle to be set free.
Your tears make me break…
Is wholeness ever to be?
In the night, you roll onto your side…
tears sharp as they flow down your face.
You grab my arm as I roll to my side to hold you…
Your sobs uncontrollable, in rhythm, in pace.
My arm wrapped around you…
ssshhhhh my Love , take refuge in sleep
I lie there the whole night,
My arms around you, feeling your heart beat.
His sorrow painful, he says “I just want you.”
I hold tight and whisper into your heart and soul…
“no one can ever replace my love, I love you forever”….
Like a sinking ship, I go down. Forever I have you to hold.
I have posted about the man who abused my son in the past. This person was not prosecuted for his actions because he was abusing my son in private, behind closed doors, and my son has a mild form of autism with a speech delay that prevented him from being able to tell me what was happening to him…
Needless to say…. once my son was removed from that environment and felt safe, the flood gates of what happened to him came crashing open and it is HORRIFIC to say the least. I get physically ill when my son recounts details of what happened to him. How do I know that it is not just information fed to him? Well, many times my son will describe an event of the abuse and then follow up with “It was the day we did “this”. That is information that only I would truly know… and so I know my son is trying to describe the events and makes them believable by also mentioning something off topic that only I would have knowledge of… like the day we went to the park at mountains edge… nobody could have “fed” him that information… he was recalling a memory.
Not everyone thinks that Austin Peterson of Henderson/Las Vegas, NV was capable of such things. Some think he was a family man, even raising his oldest daughter on his own. Read the comments of this post I had written long ago, Bruised. This woman is his ex, and mother to his oldest child. She thinks he walks on water… and “how could he possibly hurt a child”.
Well, many people do things that often shock us or have us saying, “I would have never thought this person to be capable of doing something like that.” Months after myself and my children were away from this man, with a restraining order against him I might add, he went on an armed robbery spree. The man who was never capable of anything bad plead guilty to all counts and was sentenced to 15 years in a federal prison. READ ABOUT IT HERE. Once again, the ex comes to his rescue… you can read her comment beneath the article… for the record, she has her opinion about him and I imagine he was depressed and I certainly know he was having financial difficulties… but the first sentence is a lie. According to him, spoken to me when I knew him and unaware he was hurting my son, he told me he never even graduated high school and that he did not have a college degree.
Out of character for him, both the child abuse and the crimes?? Perhaps. What I do know was that he did do these.
If you read the article I linked… and I will link it again here…. he held a gun to the face of the frightened employees. Sited from the article: “Peterson pointed firearms at the faces of the employees, threatened them and demanded money.”
He was capable of the several armed robberies he committed, capable of holding a “stolen semi-automatic handgun” to the faces of people and threaten him… capable of being a monster committing these crimes. If he was “capable” of these things, why is it so far-fetched for some to believe he could not be *capable* of hurting my son. He was on a downward spiral… capable of anything.
Fall down seven times, stand up eight. – Chinese proverb
It is very easy to become discouraged when mistakes are made. Sometimes we forget that we must learn from our wrong doings to prevent ourselves from making the same mistake twice.
Mistakes hurt… and often times, they hurt others as well…
What must be done when we stumble and fall down? WE GET BACK UP.
No matter how hard the fall, no matter the pain and sorrow, when you make a mistake, stumble and fall, do everything within your power to get back up again.
And one other important detail… never be afraid to ask for help.
Medication compliance and those with Bipolar disorder happens to be a difficult subject. Why is it that we are not willing to continue taking out meds? I think if we were force-fed the pills, we would still manage to throw them up to get them out of our system.
So why are we this way?
Why doesn’t being compliant have anything to do with whether or not the medication is working or not?
Why do we fight so hard to be med free?
I do not have the answers, only my own personal reasons which I will share later, for now, I have found some interesting information that I will share here.
*Medication noncompliance or medication nonadherence is the failure to take prescribed medications.*
What I found to be interesting is that many individuals with Bipolar disorder do not take their medication as prescribed because they are in denial about their illness. This is referred to as anosognosia: Real or feigned ignorance of the presence of disease)… and this is the first reason why those with bipolar and Schizophrenia stop taking their medications! While researching this, I found this to be VERY interesting as I found it to be true for myself, and treatment of my disorder. I spent many years seeing different Doctors, being prescribed different medications, and eventually removing myself off of the medication because in my mind, “The doctors had is all wrong” and nothing was wrong with me. I spent a little over NINE (yes, you read that correctly, 9 years) in complete denial. In the beginning, it was easy to have myself fooled because everyone around me was on the same band wagon… “nothing’s wrong with you”, “doctors just diagnose anything to make a buck”, ”you don’t have anything wrong, you just make bad decisions”… etc. Everyone around me supported my idea that the Doc was a quack job and that I was perfectly healthy. So I certainly related to this reason for noncompliance. This reason beats out medication side affects which is next.
Another reason we don’t take our medications as prescribed is because of medication side affects. Are they annoying? YES. Do our bodies adjust? MOST OF THE TIME. Personally I loathe dry mouth, constipation, irritable bowel syndrome, racing mind, sensory sensitivity, and the worst… sexual dysfunction. Sexual dysfunction is a very large reason, especially for men. It causes some to have the inability to achieve orgasm and in men, sometimes it also causes them to be unable to get an erection. Horrible for someone who is finally coming out of a depressive episode and WANTS to engage in some sexy time with their partner… yet they can’t. In fact, one man told me he would “rather be a raging lunatic with a hard-on than a normal person with a limp noodle”. Can you blame him? Even for myself personally, the sexual component was difficult to get over. However, after a few months, my body became use to the medications and my bodies ability to achieve orgasm returned…. which was perfect timing because I was finally to the point where sex of any kind was welcomed.
Of course there are many other reasons why we tend to go off of the meds that are intended to help us to feel better. Maybe they are not making us feel better (in which case it is important to get into the Psychiatrist pronto), or suicidal tendencies (again, GET INTO THE DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY, OR TO A HOSPITAL), *maybe you cannot afford the medicine*… lets talk about this one for a moment.
If you are unable to afford the medicine there’s a couple things that can be done to help you. For one, ask your doc for samples. Most can do this if the medications are new (and still horribly expensive). Another option, which I opted for, was to “tinker” with my medication cocktail and try to replace the newer expensive medications with the older (just as effective) options. I remember one med (literally only one, I was taking four at that time), for a month supply, was almost $1000.00… Guess what happened? I stopped taking my meds.
Then I went to AZ who had a nice program for those with mental health problems (they have since changed some of the rules and NOW can only get assistance financially/medically if you have a dependent)…. there, I received therapy and saw a Psychiatrist on a regular basis. This PDoc assisted me in getting assistance for my primary bipolar med (Lamictal) [and have not had to pay for that medicine over a year now] and switched out my anti-psychotic med. First we tried Resperidone, which worked “ok”… definitely nothing to write home about. Then we gave that up for Haldol, a very old anti-psychotic. We started out with a very low, low, dose and then increased it to what is still a very low dose. Klonopin was also prescribed and I used the generic Clonazepam. This “drug” cocktail as they like to call it was perfect for the affordable options I had. These three medications currently cost me approx. 55.00$ a month… That is a huge difference.
Currently, starting this next week, I am going to apply for adult mental health service… and hopefully they can get my medications for me.
Even after acceptance of this disorder, I battle staying on the meds. One day… it will come naturally.
I love you forever
That is the title of this post, and what it written so beautifully on a sheet of paper pictured above.
I recently visited my little ones in Texas, (they live with their Dad), and they both were making me pictures, or as you see above… writing me little notes.
My daughter is the artist and put together some adorable cards for me, she is 5 years old so you can imagine just how cute her little drawings were. I absolutely love each thing she made for me… they are fun, creative, and a wonderfully heartfelt.
My son wasn’t in the “artsy” mood but decided to write me a couple notes… and this was one of them. First he came over to me and handed me a sheet of paper that said “I am going to miss you”… so sweet and heartbreaking at the same time… sadly, both the children know my visits have to come to an end and it is something we talk about each day I am there. It truly hurts my heart. I work with them and use “mindfulness” techniques to help keep us in the present moment and not project into the future when I must depart… which hurts my heart so much, as it does theirs. Most times this technique works, and it did this time with the exception of a day or two.
Anyhow (sorry about that little tangent) my son walks over and hands me another sheet of paper… the one pictured above. It beautifully said, “I love you forever.”
It stopped me dead in my tracks and the tears just came on their own… it was impossible to prevent them, nor stop them. I grabbed my son and pulled him close to me, squeezing him tight, and in a hushed, tear-touched voice I told him that I would love him forever and more. I then sang “I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” This is a song I use to sing to him as a baby and toddler, borrowed from a childrens book with the title “I love you forever.”
This touched my heart deeply. There is no love like the love for your children…
I have been so happy spending this last week with my little ones in TX. For the most part we have been doing a little snuggling, playing, relaxing, and just enjoying being together.
Sadly, now it is time to leave.
AND I got some sad new while I am here.
The kiddos have been having fun and have been very happy… until last night. I fly back tomorrow morning and they are smart little ones and had done the math, realizing that it is soon that I am leaving.
So last night, as we laid down to sleep, both of my beautiful babies cried themselves to sleep. I tried to retain my composure but it became impossible. They cried so loud and hard and really working themselves into a frenzy.
All I could do was hold them… and reassure them that everything will be ok, and that there is nothing wrong with being sad from time to time.
Leaving is always the hardest part.
My birthday just recently passed… and my love made sure that he covered all bases. He got me a rocken gift, a MAC makeup paller… and a beautiful card that begins with “For the love of my life”. What I loved what was he wrote inside… his love very evident and beautiful. AND… he put a 21 candle on my cake as apposed to my real age, can he get any better? Certainly not. He is amazing and I love him through and through.
What HE wrote in the card: I love you my sweet beautiful baby! I have enjoyed getting to know you and follow the woman you were to the woman you are and to the woman you will become. I am happy to be a part of it.
What the card said: For the love of my life from the man who adores you. Thank you for being the love of my life, the wonderful one I adore, the person who shares all my dreams and desires, my plans, my adventures and more. Thank you for being my very best friend, my comforter when things go wrong, the one who encourages, cheers me, believes in me, changes my “weak” to my “strong.” Thank you for being my partner in life and for filling my heart with such pride- I feel like the happiest man in the world with the woman I love by my side.
Need I say more…
Last time I wrote a post, I was going through withdrawals because the new Doc I was seeing decided all my medication doses were too high for his liking. So he lowered them all…by half. Haldol and Klonopin (part of my bipolar meds) was cut in half as was my pain medication I take for severe pelvic pain and pressure.
The result?? Withdrawal.
I went through many days of being unable to sleep, chills, sweats, loose bowels, my skin feeling like it was on fire… etc.
I waited it out and went to a new Doc who was recommended to me. I was told that she really listens to you and wants to help make you better.
I went to this new Doc (who happens to actually be a nurse practitioner) and was amazed with her listening skills, offering feedback, and giving me options. Unfortunately, I must be on all my meds, not one can be altered, even the pain meds until the end of the year when they can actually run the necessary tests and probably surgery to search for the cause of the pain. Not having insurance makes it difficult to do anything other than medicate.
I was properly prepared with a typed out list of what doctors I have seen in the past for my present conditions, the meds they prescribed, and the phone numbers to verify what I am saying. She was very happy with this list and said that it is what helped her make the decision on how to treat me. I had all bases covered as will she with my medical records.
Always seek out a second opinion if you are not happy with your current doc. Always.
** edited to add that she prescribed my meds with the previous dosages.
I can nap a little during the day and falling asleep is easy, but then I wake up with this intense energy balled up in my tummy. It is miserable and very difficult to sleep through.
It is very similar to having restless leg syndrome except it is my full body that is going haywire.
So far I am experiencing insomnia, aches and pains, sensory issues, agitation, and anxiety.
I know if I can get through the next week, I will be ok…. but be prepared for more late night posts. LOL
Yesterday was actually day 2 but I wasn’t able to get on here to update.
So far, the withdrawals have been minimal. However, I have done this before and my body gets the worst of it withing 4 days.
I am still experiencing hot flashes and my skin feels like it is on fire. I know the sickness will probably rear it’s ugly tomorrow and I will be living off of hot baths, immodiom ad, and a racing mind. My body will ache and I will be highly sensitive to pain. And the worst part will be keeping my mind off of the fact I need the meds. The thoughts will be all consuming.
So far, so good… but I will keep you posted.
Please read this post about a new Doc lowering the dosages of my meds to better understand this post…read it HERE.
So day one of withdrawals has hit me. It started with having the sweats yesterday, the inability to sleep the last two nights, and now I can add muscle pain to the mix. Of course, other problems are arising but I will refrain from mentioning them until they become overly bothersome.
The worst part is that the pills are on my mind nonstop… they are always on the forefront of my mind though there is nothing that can be done about my medication situation.
Graciously, I have found some organizations to help those in this predicament and I fully intend to get the ball rolling with services with them this upcoming week.
Until then, I will chronicle my experience with you.
Sit back, relax, and taking a magic carpet ride with me.
I am majorly peeved over my last Doc appointment and I could choke him out.
Unfortunately, I do not have health insurance and am a self pay patient… this causes alot of financial distress as you can imagine because I must pay a small fortune each month for Doctor visits and the meds prescribed.
Well, recently, my family Doc retired and I found myself in a predicament of sorts and needed to find a new Doc. Since I pay out of pocket, I only see a regular Physician to refill my Psych and pain meds. I decided on a new Doctor, and to my dismay, he has taken the liberty of lowering the dosages of all my medications simply because they are too high in his opinion and he feels I should not be on the dosage amounts prescribed to me by my previous specialists.
I was floored to say the least, but because I could not afford another visit, I was at his mercy.
So. Next month I am off to, yet again, look for a new Doctor who will listen and not try to turn my world upside down.
Not only will I be going through some sort of withdrawal for the Psych meds, but also for my pain medication prescribed to me by a specialist.
I am beyond frustrated and plan to never return to this Doc again.
I am already feeling the affects and having withdrawal symptoms… I will keep you posted.
It has been a terribly long time since I have been on here so I thought it was damn time I pulled my head out of you know where and write an update… or at least something!
than hanging out picking my nose… PINKY PROMISE.
I am still in love.
I am still on meds.
My children are all doing amazing!
I have really missed getting on here, sipping coffee… spitting coffee all over myself from Bring Me The Head Of David Dixon, and other fun blogs… and writing. It has been too long my friends.
Now that my head is in a place where I can see more clearly, I shall be back to writing. And if I have nothing to say, I will find something funny or inspiring to share with you… cause that is how I roll.
I have missed you all and look forward to reading your shiz…
many days gone by
pulled my head out of my arse
more of you I see
© bipolarmuse 2013
I heard about this fascinating treatment through my man. He is a combat veteran, fought to protect us after 9/11, and now receives therapy for PTSD. Being a veteran, they offer the Alpha-Stim Cranial Electrotherapy as a form of treatment for pain, anxiety, depression and sleep disorders. It uses Cranial electrotherapy stimulation (CES), (also known as “electrosleep”, “transcranial electrotherapy” and by many other names), involves a form of treatment that sends low intensity microcurrent (under 1 milliampere) to the brain.
“In some cases, effects have been stable and permanent, suggesting that the electrical and chemical changes evoked by Alpha-Stim® technology have led to a durable re-tuning back to normal function.”Aplha-Stim
There are some studies out there on the topic and some look to be promising. Please google this and learn more about it. I personally would give it a try to see if it would improve any of my Bipolar symptoms… and my sleep. Anything is nearly worth a shot, especially if it could replace the use of medications.
Ahhhh, the simpleness of a squirrel… he just wants the acorn hat!
I love emotional intelligence! When we practice this, we remove all power that we allow others to have over us. I know it is difficult to learn and practice, trust me… this one is hard for me too… but once we are accountable for all of our emotions, we can have better control over them. Nobody “makes” us feel anything… our emotions belong to each and every one of us, they are not in the hands of others. Take back control and choose how you will feel…
Ahhhh, the art of letting go and moving on… it is a difficult thing to do and often causes the heartache in our lives.
I remember, not long ago, I held desperately to my past. I held on to the mistakes as well as to the good times that I felt I had thrown away. While difficult to turn around, face forward, and press on… it must be done. I had started this process on my own, but it really kicked into full gear when love re-entered my life. So many things are healing for us… I had forgotten the healing power of love.
Find love and add it to your life. It does not have to be love of another person, but love. I think the greatest love of all is love of self. I work on this daily.
I couldn’t sleep last night and I just laid there, tossing and turning, my mind running at 500mph. When it was time to get up, I was relieved that I didn’t have to lay there any longer.
My mind was RACING. Crazy thoughts with no order or rhythm… just complete randomness. It was torture. My brain felt like it was firing off in a million different directions.
I decided to take a morning nap and it was more of the same… a restless mind… running and running.
I kept trying to find the “trigger” to this insomnia and racing thoughts, but was coming up empty handed. Then I went into the bathroom and it dawned on me that I had missed my medicine two days in a row. Yikes! No wonder my brain was in overdrive… the meds that I take to prevent mania were no longer in my system.
I took the medicine instantly and started having relief within the half hour.
Meds are important. Note to self…
The time in love has not been very long yet I feel like I have known and loved my man for my whole life. I could not imagine my life without him, and I feel like I was made for the man he is, to compliment him.
And soooooo… I put the voodoo on him.
Hahaha. Anyone know of any good spells?? I don’t need one for love, nor one to make this love last forever, but I need one to snag him, get him to the justice of the peace for two little words… “I do”. Hehehe,
Ok, so of course this is said in jest and just for fun. I know there isn’t such a thing as a voodoo spell… but it is fun to contemplate.
Wedding bells? No. At least… not yet. (wink wink)
The muse will not jump into anything unhealthy or without much thought, but who wants to start the betting now? This is Vegas after all and gambling is allowed!
Positive thinking can bring so much into our lives. I know that life is not “that easy”, and this advice is “easier said than done”, but take time to reflect positively, to bask in the sunlight instead of hiding under the dark clouds. Try positivity and see the changes that come about. It is not an overnight transformation, but it IS a transformation.
I never believed in “mind over matter”, but I have to say that I have learned alot in the last 2 years about being mindful, and feeding yourself positive affirmations. Your attitude comes to be by what you think. If you are always negative, that will be what you attract, but on the other hand, if you are positive and present yourself with a smile, happiness will be found in you. No, it is not an overnight thing. We don’t become negative quickly, but rather, over a period of time. The same is to be said about happiness. It takes time to ingrain that habit into yourself.
Be kind to yourselves, practice positivity, and don’t give up.