Taking Rides On Dandelion Fluff
Dandelion fluff: When fairies dance upon the air, reach out gently and catch one, fair. Make a wish and hold it tight, then softly toss your pixie back to summers night.
~from the novel The Weight of Silence.
~
Fairies flittering here and there
Against the wonderful night,
So fair.
Riding the moon beams in elegance,
Careless and free, leaving pixie dust
As remnants.
In whispers they call out to me,
To impart their grace,
their peace.
Taking rides on Dandelion fluff,
owning a certain bliss.
Offering a considerate hope, a moment
For me to wish.
Sitting in the beauty of
the night,
Gazing out into the
magnificent sky.
Fairies dancing, playful,
nothing amiss.
To dance, be carefree, relieve my pains,
I wish.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Link in Autism, Bipolar Disorder, and Schizophrenia
My third child, my youngest son, was diagnosed with Autism at a young age. He has a very high functioning form of autism and has excelled in every aspect. His speech is fabulous, his spontaneous speech is getting much better, his interaction with others is pretty good… I don’t see many of the traits he had when diagnosed. He no longer “hand flaps”, and he is pretty good with eye contact. He is HIGHLY intelligent and is over the top in all his test scores. A small, yet silly example: We were walking in costco and they had these HUGE stuffed animals for sale. We were playing with them and of coarse the kiddos each wanted one. Their Dad said, “I don’t think so those are 50$ each”. My 6 yr old, in Kindergarten, looked at the price sticker and said “No Dad, they are 49 dollars and 95 cents not 50$”. He is amazing with numbers. Before he could hardly talk, he know all the numbers to the Thomas the Tank Engine Trains and their names. LOL. That being said, he has severe mood swings and gets very anxious and uncooperative on a whim. He can be happy go lucky one minute and then his mood just flips.
I have been reading about the link to Autism and Mood Disorders. I found it very interesting that most autistic children will have a family history of Bipolar Disorder/Manic Depression.
Here is a short article, including the link for the website I found this information.
From: http://blogs.wsj.com/health/2008/05/05/mental-disorders-in-parents-linked-to-autism-in-kids/
**Parents of children with autism are about twice as likely to have been hospitalized for mental disorders than parents of other kids, says a study published in the journal Pediatrics.
**Depression and personality disorders were more common among mothers but not fathers of autistic kids. The researchers found that schizophrenia was about twice as common in both mothers and fathers of children with autism.
**The link between parental disorders and a child’s autism was present regardless of whether the parent was diagnosed before or after the child. This pattern suggests that the association may be genetic, not a matter of a parent getting depressed over a child’s diagnosis.
**The work confirms earlier findings that showed psychiatric disorders are more common among family members of people with autism. A history of schizophrenia-like psychosis or affective disorder in a parent, for instance, sharply increases the odds of autism for a child.
Here is another link to The Journal of Neuropsychiatry about this subject. This article is, of coarse, a more scholarly article.
I find this interesting because I know that Bipolar Disorder can be highly hereditary. And watching the intense moods my son has, just seems to confirm what these article are saying. I also want to state that my son has always displayed these quick changes in mood since he was about walking age… so this was previous to the abuse he suffered. Also it was noted that some children will be diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders and then later in life drop that diagnosis and be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
When I found out my son had Autism, I wondered why, and how. He is a beautiful gift from God to be sure… and I think now I may have the answers to my “why” and “how”. ♥
Sunshine Award
Thank You Sherline, Ramblings of a Creative Mind for this nomination. I have been very blessed by knowing this amazing woman. She is full of wisdom, kindness, and has been an inspiration to me in the short time I have known her. Her words have been a blessing to me and I am full of gratitude. Please visit her blog and you will see the beauty I see. This nomination touches my heart. I am proud and honored that my blog has touched many people. ♥
The Sunshine Award, like all other rewards, has some rules:
- Include the award’s logo in a post or on your blog
- Answer 10 questions about yourself
- Nominate 10-12 other fabulous bloggers
- Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blogs, letting them know they have been nominated
- Share the love and link the person who nominated you.
TEN QUESTIONS
- Favorite color: Deep purple, yellow drinking glasses, baby blue shirts, red hair coloring.
Little black dresses. - Favorite animal: Monkey! They are CRAZY little things. Very creative.
- Favorite number: 8. Has no beginning, no end, and is an even number. I prefer the evens.
- Favorite non-alcoholic drink: Tea or Dr. Pepper
- Prefer Facebook or Twitter? Facebook. I am still getting the hang of Twitter.
- My passion: My Children. Writing. Poetry. Reading. Learning.
- Prefer getting or giving presents: Both. You must give to receive.
- Favorite pattern: Bling bling. I love shiny things. You can’t go wrong!
- Favorite day of the week: Wednesday
- Favorite flower: Tulips, Lilies.
My nominees are the the following fellow bloggers below:
August Wilson Quote
“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” August Wilson quotes
This, my friends, is beauty. “Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength”. No matter the pain we must endure, there is always that light we are able to find. It may not be seen immediately, we must be patient, there is no instant gratification in this process. We are all capable of rising above our challenges, to be free of unnecessary mental anguish. Look hard within. Take note. Fight your demons and find the way out of that hole, find that light. Even some light in the world of darkness brings hope, strength, and the power to heal.
Blessings to you all this lovely night. ♥
Child Abuse
This post is going to be a hard one for me. It has to do with my sons abuser… of which I do not want to say his name. Here is a link to the post I made about him in 2010 http://bipolarmuse.com/2010/04/25/who/ , and also, here is a link about my sons abuse, also written in 2010 http://bipolarmuse.com/2010/06/07/bruised/. Please look over any curse words, I was in a very, very dark, sad, lost state of mind.
Recently I received an email from an ex-girlfriend of the abuser. She stumbled up my blog after googling his name and had some questions for me about this despicable man. Since my sons abuse I had 20/20 vision of coarse and have openly believed and claim that he has a disliking for boys and LOVED girls. Sounds perverted right? I believe this because his actions and simple mannerisms make me feel this way. And of coarse, he abused my son, and not my daughter. He openly professed that he was ecstatic that his children were girls, not boys. This lady contacted me because she had a son and was around the despicable man when her child was a young child…she was concerned that maybe her son had been abused as well. She specifically asked her son if he was abused by despicable man and he assured her he had not been.
I was so grateful her son did not endure what my son had. I cannot even repeat the cruelty he inflicted upon such a sweet innocent boy at the tender age of 4, my son. Hearing from her brought back a wave of emotions and images that I cannot shake at the moment. I take comfort in knowing my son is healthy, happy, and that he is flourishing. 2 years later my son still remembers the horror he went through. It haunts me. He associates me with that horrible man in little ways. I hope in time, that will lessen.
Child abuse is disgusting. And sadly, people get away with it all the time, get a slap on the wrist. When I was going through group counseling to recognize the signs of abuse, all the women were in denial. They did not believe their “boyfriend/spouse” was abusing their child. I was the only person in the group who knew it was despicable man and made clear that it was.
I am mad they didn’t have enough evidence to arrest him for my sons abuse… but I am happy too. Why? Because what he did after sent him to federal prison for 15 years. He robbed banks, and restaurants and did not get away with it.
Justice sometimes comes back around… maybe not in the way we would like. For child abuse, he would have had a light sentence, for armed robbery, 15 yrs is wonderful.
But why my son? I ask that question all the time. Why my precious little boy?
Ransome Notes
Ransom Notes
Traveling in these wicked twists and turns in my head,
How has this happened? I would love to find,
A most comfortable place to rest my mind.
Hide.
These winding turns, alluring as they my be,
I do not want to pick this ugly fight.
Though you hold me hostage, with strength and might.
I Fight.
I have begged for your unearned trust.
You leave invisible ransom notes,
Promises. Just as invisible. Sinking boat.
Yet I float.
I cannot make happen, what will not be.
I cannot force this aching heart, to feel,
That which will not, cannot be real.
I heal.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Masquerade Mask
Masquerade Mask
Lost and empty, yet a full room of faces.
A fake smile, a masquerade mask.
Hiding behind tears, never to truly reveal
Exactly who I am.
Embarked on many adventures, had many plans
I got myself into a slump,
Taking on changes I couldn’t handle.
Now I endure these bruises, nurse these lumps,
Find some way to pull myself out of
This sadness, fear, this self inflicted slump.
I just can not get things out of my head.
Over and over my wicked mind spins,
Engulfing me in its dangerous web.
Again, Again, and again.
© Bipolarmuse 2012
Ernest Hemingway Quote
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
So much truth to this wonderful quote from Hemingway, a very troubled man himself.
I feel like a great deal of my writing comes from pain and my poetry is a release from that pain that builds up. My poetry comes from a sad place that has always resided with me. Sadly, melancholy has had a place with me longer than happiness and I have come to a point in my life where a change must take place, and it is a change I am continually working on.
I was once told by a very brilliant woman that I did not suffer from a broken heart, but rather a bleeding heart. Broken could be fixed, bleeding is another matter in itself. I believe her point was that I feel pain with magnified senses. My normal mental pain is similar to what a person goes through when they grieve for a loss. They grieve during times when grief is expected. My grieving is constant.
When I was in therapy, my therapist was speechless over my intense pain. Pain that should have lessened over time but that still hung on to me like it happened two minutes ago. The wounds were always fresh. She told me I was in a constant state of grief. That is when I began learning about mindfulness and skills to help me to keep my emotions in a more acceptable, less painful range.
To my fellow writers, May we continue to sit at our keyboards and “bleed”. I believe it is healing and makes for beautiful works. ♥
To Dust It Turns
Everything I touch, even in loving kindness…
To dust it turns. Never to be in original form again.
The devastation too great, melancholy relentless.
There is a certain truth in “Ignorance is Bliss”.
~
I gasp, I tremble, I undoubtedly cry.
Trying dauntlessly to prevent this sand…
From slipping through my fingers. Holding tight.
There is no holding it, it seeps through my grasp.
~
I stare longingly at that sandy floor.
Collecting all the broken, to put it back in place.
However, this devil in me, an old friend for sure,
Allows me not. For the devil enjoys this relentless pain.
© bipolormuse 2012
Bipolar? Interesting Tidbits…
Here is some information I find disturbing and slightly humorous.
*A marriage where 1 or both individuals have Bipolar disorder is nearly doomed. I say that with a grain for humor… laughter is good medicine. What are the stats for this little tidbit of info?? Nearly 90-95% of marriages, with a Bipolar person involved, end in divorce. That is a HUGE percentage. I can certainly understand why though, as I have made many catastrophic decisions without truly thinking them completely through. In fact, I have made huge decisions on a whim, causing my world to collapse on many occasions.
*ALL of my medications have side affects… some of them downright horrible, most tolerable that disappear after a few weeks, and a few that can give you a heart attack after reading the warning. What is the side affect warning that can bring on this heart attack?? “This medication can cause SUDDEN DEATH“. LOL, Do you know how many panic attacks that this simple phrase causes me? I cannot tell you how many times I have been relaxing, watching a movie, and all of a sudden felt dizzy or “odd” and thought – is this the start of “sudden death”-. Yes friends, I can tell you that happens to me frequently and I say quick silent prayers asking God to “remember me” and “let my children know how much I love them”. Funny and horrible right??
*There are activities that can help your Bipolar disorder. (These are proven true by the medical community and by personally doing these things). One is exercise. Yes, if we can get the motivation to get our butts up and stick to a routine, exercise does wonders for improving the mood. Here is the problem for me: I get addicted. I will work out hours a day, 7 days a week. I almost believe the exercise can make me slightly manic, but hey… better than slightly in the opposite direction. Another is eating healthy. Not sure how or why, but this one does help as well. When I eat better, I feel better. Maybe it does have to do with the “You are what you eat” phrase. It too can be addicting. LOL… but addicted to bean sprouts is better than addicted to peanut butter cups. And lastly I would like to mention this one, which may or may not be proven by the medical world. Recently I was reading a book about mood disorders and the book was written by those who suffered themselves and also by those closest to them. One man was saying that as a mood “boost”, his goal (and his wife said that it did indeed work), was for his wife to orgasm daily. It would help her mood no matter what… if nothing else worked, she could always count on the orgasm. LOL. I find this one highly interesting and of coarse it makes you chuckle a bit doesn’t it?? And I would bet that this one could be addicting too.
Just some food for thought!!
Happy Friday My Friends! ♥
A Year Ago
A Year Ago
Lost, lonely, confused and dazed.
Sad, frightened, drinking during the day.
The hours, minutes, seconds on the clock,
Meant nothing. Just an annoying “tick tock”.
Living each night, hooting with the owls.
Days just as easy, drowning time in alcohol.
Losing sight of goals lined up, goal defined…
During a very distressed, manic state of mind.
Surely to not succeed, to tall and high, those dreams.
Created from just a fraction of the one I call “me”.
Sorrow and Failure enveloped me. Wicked tools.
The devil brandishes them, just wicked fools.
But they plant seeds and plot my destruction,
Barely a fight in me, other than to follow instructions.
I know I am not destined to leave in this way,
I reach out to those, who won’t give up for me, not today.
I prayed for my babies to light the road, the right path.
Sacrifices were made. Though most made me more sad.
I had to fight, giving up was not an option for me…
Fight for them, fight for me. No other way to be.
I cried all hours of the day, and at night I could pretend…
Life was amazing, full of purpose, just Grand.
I crash and burned each and every day.
Was never sure how long I could endure the pain.
Endless phone calls, desperation… all I could do was cry.
Slept on the couch of a dear friend, when I feared for my life.
A year ago, sadly this was the tale of me.
One year later, though not healed, I am much more complete.
Sadness, an old friend, can still reign.
But now, in this loving place, happiness has a place.
♥
© bipolarmuse 2012
Lets Talk Mood Swings~ and a Quote
“On a bad day I have mood swings- but on a good day, I have the whole mood playground”.
~Charles Rosenblum
I have been reflecting on my blog and looking through my various posts and poems.
I do not know if my faithful followers have noticed, but I can see a significant mood swing simply by my works alone on this blog… but only one. Granted, I am usually pretty fortunate and very in tune with my moods and I can usually spot them from a mile away. This one I didn’t really see. Why? Because it was very gradual.
I believe I started off in a normal mood, and then it gradually escalated to perhaps a “hypo-manic” type, and then cycling (which would explain the crying spells/blues/irritation though I felt overall pretty well), and then a bit of depression. A “normal” depression though because it came after I visited my babies, so that is a normal “grieving” process. Sadly, it has lasted over a week, but I do feel a steady increase in it wearing off. Yesterday was a sad day, but also one to rejoice in. And today I get to shop for discounted Valentine’s items which makes me happy. Here I come knee high socks covered in hearts and my favorite, Ring Pops!
I just noticed the mood swing and wanted to see if anyone else had noticed it a little bit. LOL, or maybe I am off my rocker. Hehe, just a joke. Got to have fun and laugh… it is good for the soul.
As for the quote, I found it hilarious! HAHA, the “whole mood playground”? I am not sure if I would only want the swings or the whole enchilada but nevertheless, I found it funny and thought I would share.
I hope all had a nice Valentine’s Day and showed themselves and others some love… and continue it daily. We deserve that for ourselves… and kindness to others will help us as well. ♥
My Special Gift
Bittersweet, I just held you in my arms.
Every second of each day, I enjoyed your touch.
So full of fun, and playfully sassy,
Exploding with magical charm.
To turn and leave, unwillingly, my collapsing
Heart ached so very much.
~
Lets press rewind, just for a moment.
Four years ago, it was just you and me.
A room devoid of a friendly face.
A menacing shortcoming, a mental torment.
You were basked in a heavenly glow…
I gave birth to you, my angel. So heavenly.
~
Now, this agony, I cannot be with you, this day.
I would sacrifice… give my very all.
For every precious moment… prayers answered.
For less tears. Love. Our peace. Each day.
Happy Birthday my baby girl, my valentines gift.
Every year, again and again, In love with you, I fall.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** My youngest baby girl was born this day 4 years ago. My personal Valentines gift. Sadly I was alone when I gave birth to her. A bitterness I am working on, for I know it was not her Fathers fault… he was serving our country. This was a moment I showed great courage facing her birth alone. But I had loving offers from family and friends to be there with me. I refused this loving kindness… and in a way, it was what helped me unravel. My strength is also my shortcoming. I can be strong to a fault because I will not let others in to help me. I just returned from a trip where I spent several days with her and her brother, it doesn’t lessen the pain of not being there today. I know I will be asked by her why I cannot be there, and I will cry.
But this is a beautiful day. To celebrate her life and the beautiful gift she is to me. And the beautiful gifts all my children are to me.**
Happy Valentines… may today be peaceful and gentle on you all. ♥
Negative Thoughts
Negative Thoughts
Negative thoughts, painful memories,
As a screenplay in my mind.
Your invasions are pure trifling…
Perversely abate my precious time.
~
Oh, how I detest, loathe, the waste.
Your treacherous form, your very entity.
Withering my mind, heart, maybe my soul.
Taking invaluable, priceless, pieces of me.
~
Negative trifling thoughts…
I do not allow you to invade me anymore.
My mantra ” This thought is not helping me”.
I believe. Have implanted it, in my very core.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** One thing that I have taken to my core from therapy, which is based on mindfulness, is that negative thoughts can cause us much unneeded grief and pain. We revisit these thoughts all the time but the more we become aware of how often we do, we can actually lessen how often we revert to the negativity. So, my therapist recommended that each time I have a negative thought, to ask myself “How is this thought working for me”, or just say out right, “This though is not helping me”. It truly can help to divert your attention from the thought you are dwelling on. Try it. I know that it is not easy, trust me… I know. Suffering from mood disorders myself…I know the battle that is faced and that training the brain to think differently takes time. I do believe though that it can be done. With practice. Everything takes practice.
Try it. Next time your mind is boggling you down in negativity, take notice, and say, “This thought is not working for me”, then divert your mind to something you are grateful for. With patience and practice, this will become habit.
If it has helped me, it can certainly help you. **
♥ Love and Light my friends.
A Robert Frost Quote
The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
I have always interpreted this quote for myself in relation to my mood disorders. Relating the woods to death, or giving up this good fight as I like to call it…
But the rest of the quote is what inspires me.
” I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep”.
There is such beauty in this quote. I remind myself that I have promises to myself, to those that I hold near and dear, to my beautiful babies, to my Creator. This fight is never in vain. It is worth every struggle, each pain endured, every tear shed.
It is the good fight my friends… and no matter the struggles, just hold onto whatever faith and whatever hope you can find.
Simple words from a friend, a smile, a kind gesture, the beauty and hope that a new day offers, your dreams and goals. Always start small, baby steps, to reach the bigger aspirations.
And do not forget to love yourself, to LEARN how to love yourself. Say to yourself… ” I am worth it “… because you truly are.
♥ Love and Light my friends. May you have peace and beauty in this day.
Liebster Blog Award!!
I was honored with this awesome award a second time, this one from Cat (CatForsley.me) I cannot express enough how happy I am to be shown the love.
Thank you, Thank you!!!
We got guidelines my Peeps, so here we go.
1. Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.
2. Reveal your top 5 picks for the award and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Post the award on your blog.
4. Bask in the love from the most supportive people on the blogsphere – other bloggers.
5. And, best of all – have fun and spread the karma.
HERE ARE MY NOMINATIONS- this isn’t going to be easy, I want to try to give these nominations to new people I have recently “met”. And I also chose a variety of bloggers… from poetry, inspiration, and mental disorders.
I am Learning Still
I am Learning Still.
” Oh my son, Look at what I’ve done.
But I am learning still, learning still,
Know that I am learning still. ” Missy Higgins
~When I was visiting my smallest children this past week… my son (who is six) was asking the difficult questions that parents often face. I wish they were easy questions, like why is the sky blue? Or, why do birds fly south for the winter?
Oh, no. His questions were about broken hearts, and why I hurt his Dad… and why I moved him to a new place where he was hurt ( he was abused by a despicable person ). All I could do was cry, and apologize over and over, for I know he hurts so.~
**My dear son,
Some things just cannot be answered.
I would have readily taken your place,
Taken the abuse, hurt, pain.
I just pray you do not question my love…
**
For you,
I would take away your painful memories.
I would sacrifice my very life.
Readily take away every sliver of your pain, your strife.
Take the poison. To prove my love for you.
**
I cry every single day.
For all the pain my actions caused.
Still a fresh wound, a kind of mourning.
Know that I am learning still. Please forgive me.
Standing, or kneeling, for you I constantly pray.
**
© bipolarmuse 2012
Have Faith
“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly”
Sometimes the darkness can be overwhelming, and that is where faith and hope reside, or where they should. I remind myself of this quote often because I need a beacon of light to direct me, to offer me faith that things will and do get better.
In time.
Don’t you hate the “In Time” phrase? I know that I hate hearing it, but there is so much truth in that short phrase. We all want instant gratification, which is not the way to faith and peace. Patience is the way. Finding faith in ourselves is the way. Finding faith that builds us up is the way.
So have faith, feel the power that whether in the darkness or light, you will have something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
♥
Aspire
Dream
Hope
A Dream Within A Dream
Last night I had a dream that really scared me and stuck with me all night, and in fact, I could not break out of its grasp. Each time I fell back to sleep, I fell right back into the dream.
What was weird was that it was a dream within a dream. Let me just preface this with an explanation of a little phobia I have that goes along with my bedtime ritual.I usually have to sleep with all drawers closed and all doors closed (please do not laugh, lol) and if they are not closed, I fear that I will have bad dreams. For the last 10-14 days I have been sleeping with my bathroom door open ( it is connected to my bedroom) and my closet door open… kind of as an experiment of sorts to see if I would have bad dreams. But I kept my bedroom door shut. As I have mentioned in a previous poem, sometimes I dream of spirits using my open doors as a “gateway”. HAHA, sounds silly, but hey, I dream of it allot.
Here is the dream, I will try to explain it the best that I can.
~ I was dreaming that I awoke from a scary dream, and that I had a fear of something in my bathroom…so I kept looking into the darkness of the bathroom to see if anything was in there. Of coarse, I could not see anything at all, but I felt something and felt scared to death. So immediately, I tried to wake myself from the bad dream (this is something I can usually do in real life), and woke up my fiance and asked him to turn the t.v. on that was in the corner of our bedroom wall across from the bed. When I asked him to do so, the t.v. came on by itself and the remote lit up next to me. This made me panic more and he assured me that he accidentally hit the “on” button because he was laying on the spare remote. I should have recognized at that moment that I was still dreaming because we do not have a television in the bedroom, but I truly thought I was awake and stayed awake long enough to fall back asleep, so I let the arms to slumber pull me into the mattress. Now I was terrified because the dream continued. This time I kept looking into the darkness of the bathroom and out into the dining room where I could see the table and chairs. So I desperately tried to wake myself up and in my dream, I accomplished waking up my fiance. He stayed up with me, but I kept having the sensation that I was being pulled back into the “dream” though waking up my fiance was part of the dream itself. Now this time, in the dream within a dream, I continued to look into the dark bathroom (of which nothing could be seen but darkness), and out into the dining room. Both were terrifying me as I felt “something” was lurking in these two rooms. Once again I was trying to pull myself up and out of the dream and thought I woke my dear fiance by shaking him and letting out a little scream. I awoke him in my dream and he assured me everything was ok. I kept looking into the darkness of the bathroom and thought I saw a “shadow” of something, and I looked into the dining room and saw only the dining room table and chairs. Now, clue number two that should have made me realize I was dreaming should have been that when I truly went to bed, the bedroom door was closed. Only the bathroom and closet doors were open. I felt the “fear” chemicals slithering in my body throughout the dream and the dream within the dream. Once again, I felt those dreaded arms of slumber pulling me into the mattress and fell back asleep, in the dream of coarse. Finally I truly awoke (in real life) and was fighting off falling back to sleep so I got up and went into the bathroom, turned on the light and read a little bit of a book. I then went back to bed and tossed and turned for a while before falling back to sleep to that horrid dream within a dream. This dreadful dream haunted me until 4:30 a.m. And then I went into normal dreamland that was fun and airy. ~
What tripped me out most was that I was dreaming in a dream I was already in the clutch of. There was nothing to truly be afraid of, as there was nothing really seen that would make me frightened, it was simply those weird chemical that give you the “feeling” of a bad dream.
From now on, I am not testing the door situation and plan to keep ALL doors closed. LOL. ~
Sorry this is such a long post, but to condense it would mean that I would have left out bits of the dream.
Any comments would be welcomed! The dream dictionary is not helping very much.
♥
A Poem to Myself
A Poem to Myself
You were delinquent to think you could stand so very tall,
That off your high, mighty pedestal, you never would fall.
Trying in vain to be super woman to one and to all…
Failing to care for you, you stumble, and break on the fall.
Could you not even take notice, could you not begin to see…
Each moment you pretended that strength, created misery?
Did you think you could be to all, that to yourself you couldn’t be?
Did you find one angel wing to cushion your fall, to save you from me?
And once again, you are in this battle, with pen and paper, you write.
Searching in desperation, the wrong turn you took, instead of the right.
Looking for answers that will give understanding. The sword to fight the good fight.
Searching, grappling, to change the You that carved out this painful plight.
Keep on searching, overlook your weakening knees, for the beauty in you.
Fight with all the strength, the power and light, that is by grace given to you.
Pray, on bended knees, even if in vain, for you have everything to prove,
Never, ever, give up on searching, living, being, growing, for them… for you.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Tingles
Tingles up my spine, in my hands, feet, neck, head. Sounds magnified by a billion… clanks, swooshes, drips, music from a house over, barking dogs, cars, the energy in my head. I swear I hear clown cars, elephants, people murmuring, popcorn bags crinkling, horns, tinkering bells, shoes shuffling, children laughing, a circus in my head. Every sensation is intensified 100 fold. Every ache is a pain, every touch leaves a scorching path, every chill becomes a pleasantly painful shiver. Running my fingers …
Bipolar Quote by David Lovelace
“It’s difficult. I take a low dose of lithium nightly. I take an antidepressant for my darkness because prayer isn’t enough. My therapist hears confession twice a month, my shrink delivers the host, and I can stand in the woods and see the world spark.”
― David Lovelace
I really wish I knew what the end of the quote means. “I can stand in the woods and see the world spark”.
To me, I almost wonder if the “woods” is in reference to his mind, and then how he sees everything through his own eyes. If you have any ideas, please share!
I had an experience that reminds me of this last line that I want to share with you. ~ After my diagnosis of Bipolar 2 disorder, I was in serious denial but out of amusement decided to take the meds prescribed to me. At the time, it was Wellbutrin and Depakote. NOT A GOOD COMBO for me. One day, in the depths of my sorrow and anguish, I decided to go to the park. It was huge with a large pond and a walking trail that circled this very large pond. I guess it is a fair assumption to say that I was suicidal. I sat on a bench that faced the pond and just stared out. All I remember was how everything seemed to have a “spark” about it. Everything was intensely magnified and it seemed like these little beams of energy were popping off from everything I looked at. The sky seemed to be “sparked” with some sort of little bursting bubbles. (And just for record, this was not a psychotic episode). What I DO believe is that it was the beginning of my very first Manic episode. The sun was too intense, the breeze too intense, the sound of other people enjoying themselves was too intense. Even as I got up and walked, the ground beneath my feet felt too intense, like I could feel each pebble or uneven surface. I was fascinated, as everything from sight, sound, touch, and olfactory senses was magnified. My brain was firing off in a way I had never experienced. Low and behold, it was a manic episode. After days of running around with no sleep… working with zero sleep, going out all night long, again with zero sleep… now repeat this many days in a row. I finally called a Doc at the pleading of a friend with a degree in psychology, and stopped the medications, but added a sleeping pill. In hindsight, and more experiences to compare with this, Wellbutrin was the devil. It set into motion the mania that soon became my wicked friend. Only a little less wicked than depression.
I never had that extreme of a manic episode again until 2008, 5 years later. Then in 2008, same thing happened. Hot felt cold, cold felt hot… the lights in grocery stores were too bright… and so on. This manic/hypo-manic episode lasted from 2008-2011. I was rapid cycling. Unbelievably so. I thought one of two things was happening… I was going crazy, or I was going to die. ~
Stupid Bipolar Disorder
Inspirational Quote??
“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
Thomas Edison
My oh my… doesn’t he have that right? It is positivity spun on the webs of failure, yet it is not failing is it?
The more we learn from past mistakes, the better we can recognize those patterns in our future.
I seem to lean more torward the “glass half empty” outlook, but if taken into heart this quote, are we not triumphant in our efforts regardless… and is it not a life lesson to be learned from?
The only failure is to not recognize the mistakes and to continue making them.
I have seen my mistakes and I am working hard to refrain from doing them all over again. A learning process my friends. Nothing comes easily… especially for the deep thinkers in this world.
May we all be blessed with insight and growth. I know that is what I strive for.
♥ Love and light
My Soul Enwrapped by Your Loveliness
For it was not into my ear that you whispered, but into my heart, It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. ~ Judy Garland
My soul enwrapped by your loveliness,
Your unrelenting spirit.
Like a dagger in my throat,
My burning anguish, will not
Let me go.
My catalyst, this burning fire,
Burns like kerosene flowing,
Through my fiery veins.
Reaching. Praying. Anticipating.
My desire for you to never wane.
To be within my pining grasp.
Twinkling inside my mortal wight.
Your sparkle, shimmer, light up my life.
In your strength, you give me ambition.
My soul enwrapped by your loveliness. Your light.
© bipolarmuse 2012
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
