Love is a chemical imbalance…
“…love is a chemical imbalance, too. That perilous highs and desperate lows and extravagant flurries of mood are not always symptoms of a broken mind, but signs of a beating heart.” Terri Cheney
Absolutely! So how do we know when one begins and the other ends?
Life is suppose to come with ups and downs… that is life. Being blue/melancholy is a normal response to sad events… even to change in general. Anyone with a beating heart will experience the highs and lows of life. So why are some people different.
My therapist explained that we feel in different degrees. That most people respond to sadness and happiness to a certain degree within a certain range, and then others with mood disorders have a hyper-sensed sadness and happiness that goes beyond the normal range. We go above and beyond the norms.
To separate the normal swings from the abnormal can at times be difficult to differentiate.
And so I just live.
This is who I am.
Related articles
- Mood Disorders and the Artist (bipolarmuse.com)
- Random Possibilities (bipolarmuse.com)
Bipolar Quote
“What most people call talent is our way to vent, and if we’re not discovered it will never pay the rent.”
― Stanley Victor Paskavich
LOL, isn’t that the truth. I love writing poetry, it is my passion and my therapy… but will probably never pay for rent.
Never say never though… who knows what life has in store!
That being said… our talents do provide a way to release our darkness, to reveal our minds.
That certainly is a beautiful gift.
The Beauty Of Bipolar Disorder
What’s fantastic about being Bipolar 1 ?! Actually, there is a-lot to be grateful for…
I tend to operate in excessive emotions and tend to be very passionate.
I have the gift of words and have been a poet as long as I can remember.
I have a keen understanding of “what goes up must come down… then back up again” and can prepare for each.
When I have great ideas, they are indeed great.
When in a perfect state of Mania, I experience the type of euphoric high that people pay for.
I am perpetually in lust.
Being Bipolar, while at its worst is very bad, but when it is at its best, there is nothing like it. Perhaps that is why substance abuse is a co-morbid disorder… we are constantly in search of that perfect mania euphoria. Just maybe.
I certainly get my lows and impulsivity from this disorder… yet I also get my extreme passion and emotion. I can feel every particle of my being to the best of extremes and to the worst.
Embrace the beauty!!
Top 10 Terrific Things About Bipolar
Related articles
- Hyper-sexuality and Bipolar Disorder (bipolarmuse.com)
- Mood Disorders and the Artist (bipolarmuse.com)
- Benefits of Bipolar Disorder? (thesecretkeeper.net)
- Bipolar Disorder Treatments (answers.com)
Day 21/30
Day 21: Something you’re proud of.
# 1 – My kids… they make me more than proud. ♥
#2- Myself. I have come a long ways in the last couple years. I truly do not know how I have survived this long, but I have managed to do so and will continue to… for me and for my babies. ♥
# 3 – This blog. I never imagined that I would be an inspiration to others. This is the greatest gift to me and a wonderful way for me to give back to others. ♥ I am so humbled and full of emotion when I know I have reached someone with my story. ♥
Bipolarmuse ♥ Love never dies a natural death....
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish it’s source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ~ Anais Nin
During my childhood, I can recall moments of happiness amidst the insanity…. but I recall the insanity more often than not.
Bipolarmuse ♥ Whata Ride
These last few days have been a crazy ride.
A sweep of emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other. From “I can accomplish anything” to “how do I scrape myself up from the pavement”. Gotta love those upswings… they are so much easier to deal with than the alternative.
That’s part of this painful existence… losing sight.
Bipolarmuse ♥ Do I Ever...
Do I cross your mind? Do you wonder what the future could have held? Do you wonder why I fucked things up so badly? Do you wonder what lesson it is we are suppose to learn from all of this? Do you wonder how it hurts in my bones to be without my babies? Do you wonder how many times I cry each day?
Bipolarmuse ♥ The ghost you can't shake...
” I don’t wanna be the ghost you can’t shake I wanna be the real thing”.
Have I got the concept of love completely and utterly wrong?? Sometimes I feel like I do. I was raised in an ever changing environment without any sense of stability. The only stability I knew came from my Grandparents. They acted as a set of parents for me until my Mom became the Mother that she is now….
Bipolarmuse ♥ And...
And there’s no possible way to explain what it FEELS like to feel as though you could literally jump right out of your skin. How sitting still physically HURTS… causes intense pressure and tension in my back and hands. How I get the sensation of sparks running up and down my spine as though they are looking for a way out.
Bipolarmuse ♥ Fire and Ice by Robert Frost
Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I’ve tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate To know that for destruction ice Is also great And would suffice. ~ Robert Frost
I love poetry. I can find a poem that whispers (or screams) into my heart and soul… that flows through my veins.
Bipolarmuse ♥ Surrender
I think I could roll over and die… no 2nd guessing, no whimper, no begging and pleading. Just surrender to this hell… yet I can’t… this is all I get with them…
My heaven, my hell. Just here…so I must be.
Yet it’s hard. Inhaling feels like FIRE in my lungs, I feel like I am drowning… only inches from the surface.
Bipolarmuse ♥ What do you want from me??
Beautifully asked by Adam Lambert. “What do you want from me”??
May is such a hellish month for me… and June too. In May of 2002 my ex-boyfriend shot and killed himself. It was absolutely devastating to me and the thought can still steal the breath from my chest. The horrific events and his untimely death will haunt me for the rest of my life.
A little Bipolarmuse ♥
Ok, 2 things my favorite peeps.
1. I am starting a new category called “Bipolarmuse”. This section is going to have tidbits of my life…not in any chronological order but it will be memory based and true to what I remember. There will be curse words. It is going to be different than how I normally write, but it will be truth as it is my life I am writing.
And secondly!!
2. Calling all graphic artists!! If anyone has skills and can help me create a header for each post, maybe 590×300… I would be soooooo friggin appreciative. I want it simple. Maybe dark Gray background with “Bipolarmuse” in white. Maybe a deep red “heart ♥” to dot the eye or something.
If anyone has these skills they wouldn’t mind sharing, please contact me!! Pretty please. 
Bipolar Quote of the Day
Manic Depression was more than a mental disease: it was a mind-set, it colored everything ~ Terri Cheney
Wow, this is so true. It seems Bipolar (aka Manic Depression) invades every piece of your life…saturates every single fiber of who you are. I have mentioned before that I cannot differentiate myself from the disorder. It does color everything in my life. It is like my entire life, everything I smell, touch, see… is tainted by the color of Bipolar disorder. It is tainted. Literally. Although I think that I need to start looking at this disorder as a blessing.
Does it have catastrophic consequences at times, YES! However, I cannot imagine a life where I do not “feel” so intensely… where I do not “think” so deeply, a place where I do not have the “art” of words. Words make my world come to life and I could not imagine not having the ability to form them into an art.
Is it a curse? Perhaps…. but it is also a “gift”. A gift I wouldn’t wish on anyone… Hahaha.
As far as I personally go… I think it touches my poetry in a beautiful away and it touches my soul and spirit in a way that makes me share my world with you.. the good and the bad… the beautiful… the dark… the light that still shines within me despite my trials and tribulations.
It is worth the fight… the art… the deep thinking. For me anyhow.
Off With Their Heads!
Off With their Heads!
As the red queen says.
I fight the enemy,
As invisible as they may be.
You may rage in my mind,
But you will die, in due time.
I fight for my true “self”.
Fend off the heat of Hell.
I can say for certain,
I’m a sponge, simply observing.
You will not last long…
I will not allow you to sing my song.
Fight with mighty power dear Ego
One day, you will let go.
You will lose, you see?
Everyday I take back “me”.
Off with their Heads! As it goes…
You will cease, as your head rolls.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** This poem was inspired by my determination and will to not allow these mood disorders to continue taking over who I am. I refuse and I know each day I win the little battles… soon it will be the big ones too.**
Mood Disorders and the Artist
If any of you love to read… and especially psychology books, you would love “Touched with Fire” by Kay Redfield Jamison. She does a great job in her research of poets of long ago and connects them with a possible mood disorder based upon their writing, melancholy, suicide attempts, suicide deaths, and information gathered from their families/loved ones… where applicable.
It is no surprise that mental illness goes hand in hand with artistic talents… for some reason, more so with writers than other artists. There is a striking number of suicides by contemporary writers that goes on to help prove the point. Lord Byron is quoted as saying, “We of the craft are all crazy”. (Speaking of other fellow writers and poets).
During a control study, 80% of writers were found to have any affective disorder. Affective disorder is descried as ” mental disorder characterized by dramatic changes or extremes of mood. Affective disorders may include manic (elevated, expansive, or irritable mood with hyperactivity, pressured speech, and inflated self-esteem) or depressive (dejected mood with disinterest in life, sleep disturbance, agitation, and feelings of worthlessness or guilt) episodes, and often combinations of the two. Persons with an affective disorder may or may not have psychotic symptoms such as delusions, hallucinations, or other loss of contact with reality.
Think about it… 80% is a staggering number of writers to be found with mood disorders.
Poets have the highest percentage of Bipolar 1 Disorder than any other writers/artists, and also have the highest percentage for suicides.
The more I am spent, ill, a broken pitcher, by so much more I am an artist – a creative artist. ~ Van Gogh
Kay Redfield Jamison says ” Artistic expression can be the beneficiary of either visionary and ecstatic or painful, frightening, and melancholic experiences. Even more important, however, it can derive great strength from the struggle to come to terms with such emotional extremes, and from the attempt to derive from them some redemptive value”.
Depression’s no gift from the muse~ Robert Lowell
The book also mentions the creativity of the relatives of writers, parents – 7%, while siblings were 20%…showing a pretty strong link to the genetic predisposition of Affective Disorders and creativity.
There is a wonderful graph in the book that I wish I could put in this post but it would be excruciatingly long and painful to do. However, you can see it here. In this chart is a breakdown of particular artists and their possible mood disorders. It gives the breakdown of why they were believed to have mood disorders, what type, and notes if they committed suicide. Strikingly, there is a high rate of mood disorders, suicide, and institutionalization within the group of poets AND their families. “More than one half of poets showed strong evidence of mood disorders… 1 in 3 poets likely suffered from Manic Depressive Illness, aka- Bipolar 1 Disorder.” (Touched With Fire)
Here is a list of artists believed to have some form of mood disorder:
John Berryman Honore De Balzac
Hans Christian Andersen Robert Burns
Samuel Clemens Lord Byron
Charles Dickens Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Isak Dinesen Emily Dickinson
Ralph Waldo Emerson T.S. Eliot
William Faulkner Victor Hugo
F. Scott Fitzgerald John Keats
Ernest Hemingway Edna St. Vincent Millay
Henry James Sylvia Plath
Eugene O’Neill Edgar Allan Poe
Leo Tolstoy Anne Sexton
Tennessee Williams Ezra Pound
Virginia Woolf Alfred Lord Tennyson
Emile Zola Dylan Thomas
Walt Whitman Michelangelo
Irving Berlin Jackson Pollock
Noel Coward Vincent Van Gogh
Stephen Foster Edvard Munch
Cole Porter Mark Rothko
Paul Gauguin Georgia O’Keeffe
Touched With Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison is a wonderful book and really helps to piece together these artists and their often melancholic mood noted in their works.
I leave you with words by Edward Thomas… for those of you with mood disorders, this will hit home with you… for those without mood disorders, this gives you an idea of what it is like to have one.
“I stay because I am too weak to go. I crawl on because it is easier than to stop. I put my face to the window. There is nothing out there but the blackness and the sound of rain. Neither when I shut my eyes can I see anything. I am alone…There is nothing else in my world but my dead heart and brain within me and the rain without.”
Day 6/30
Day 6: Pet peeves.
I don’t know where to begin with this one because I feel like I have too many.
*Smothering people – ya know, the ones that have to be sitting on your lap so you “know” they are there. I like personal space and have this “bubble” around me, please don’t invade it unless I invite you to. Concept goes for less obvious invasions of personal space.
* Jealousy – it is an evil little monster. All it does is ruin relationships and cause high blood pressure. Jealousy prevents nothing…but can assure the future.
* Chewing – please do so with your mouth closed and with less cow chomping sounds.
* Nosiness – If I want you to know something, I shall tell you.
* People that need constant affirmation from others.
* My nail biting. UGH.
These are just a few petpeeves that I could think of. Not much tends to really get under my skin, but these ones sure can.
I hope you all have an awesome day today… get your smile on! ♥
Chicken or the Egg?
What came first… the chicken or the egg??
As I was growing up, I had a very turbulent childhood. My Mom was a young Mother (17 yrs old) who gave birth to me in the 70′s…my Father was young and their lives were about partying, fighting, and making up. Or at least, that is how I remember it. I lived in a world of “contact” highs and desert parties. My Dad was not the best person in the world and was in Prison when I was born. He had a problem keeping his hands off other peoples property and apparently he wasn’t good at it either. Sadly, my Father also thought that abusing my Mother was OK. Thank God he never touched me and my sister (other than plain old spankings and time outs)… but he didn’t have a “hands off policy” when it came to my Mom.
So I ponder… my mood disorders are surely hereditary, my Dads side of the family is saturated with mental health problems and on my Moms side of the family I actually had a Great Uncle whose mind “snapped” and he lived out most of his life in a mental institution. So I ponder… what triggered my Mood disorders?? Was it my childhood and the instability I experienced? Sexual abuse? Hearing and knowing my Mom was being beaten by my Dad? My Dad beating our Dogs… possibly even killing them?
Was the disorder always there just waiting to come out?? Was it dormant and then triggered later in life to come out in full swing?
I have no clue. All I do know is that when I was 11, I was depressed. The poems I wrote from that time make me giggle… they are silly and obviously a product of the late 80′s. LOL. I laugh about that but in all honesty they are dark and gloomy. Nothing happy and preteen”ish” about them.
I always wonder… if my childhood had been “average”… lacking craziness and more craziness, would I have these disorders? Would they still have made their way out to play? I think so. I have to take heredity into account. I do have friends who have had amazing childhoods but that at some point BD decided to rear its ugly head. I guess I should count myself lucky… hey, at least I am not normal or average. 
Hyper-sexuality and Bipolar Disorder
“Manic sex isn’t really intercourse. It’s discourse, just another way to ease the insatiable need for contact and communication. In place of words, I simply spoke with my skin”. ~ Terri Cheney
Ahhhh, manic and hypo-manic sex. How many of you can relate to this?? Or admit to it? I certainly can. Hyper-sexuality and Bipolar Disorder seem to go hand in hand… mainly Bipolar 1 Disorder because it tends to be a “symptom of mania or hypo-mania”. Of course, hyper-sexuality can mean several different things: Thinking of sex more often than usual, having sex more often which would include a heightened sex drive, having multiple partners, indulging in porn, marital affairs, seeking excessive attention from someone of the opposite sex (or same sex for some individuals), an overwhelming need for contact-danger-excitement, sometimes to the extent of lacking control. What it means can vary from one individual to another.
Personally, hyper-sexuality hit me about my mid 20′s, which is one reason that I believe my DX at the time was incorrect. However, please understand that when depressed, there is NO such thing as hyper-sexuality. The last thing I want when depressed is to be looked at, touched, kissed… don’t even insinuate anything or I might have enough energy to roll my eyes and sleep on the floor. Hyper-sexuality always came out to play when I was in the throes of some form of mania. Sex was like a drug… the attention a rush. The quote at the beginning of this post nails it (pun intended). It almost becomes just another way to communicate… no need for any emotional connection at all (at least for me). And, best of all, nothing embarrassed me. I felt comfortable in my own skin, stretch marks and all. I became the most confident woman in the world… until the fall from Mania. Then the lights come on.
Please read up on this interesting, yet very real symptom of Bipolar Disorder. Especially if you are in a partnership with someone living with this disorder. It can help explain why he/she goes from a lump on the couch to a nymphomaniac porn-star nearly overnight.
A little Manic Quote by Terri Cheney
Cover of Manic: A Memoir
I have been reading… amongst 4 other books now… a book called Manic by Terri Cheney. I absolutely love to read books and I think I may need to read one at a time, but where is the fun in that?! I am promising to myself that I will not add another book to my current reading list until I have finished these five… whew!
That being said… this book Manic is highly interesting and packed full with good quotes I can use.
“Manic intentions are always good; manic consequences, almost never”. ~ Terri Cheney
Mania is a double edged sword. For those who have experienced it, you understand exactly what I am getting at. It starts so wonderfully: a lovely dose of energy, elated mood, feelings of conquering the world, productivity and artistic expression is at its peak, you feel beautiful and seductive, yet at some point, it starts to change. It is almost like a high and then it goes terribly wrong as you come off of that “high”. You start becoming confused, talking a little too rapid and incoherently, you have taken on too many projects that cannot be accomplished in a timely fashion, the seduction becomes worrisome as you begin to feel “dirty”, you realize you cannot do anything for the world because you can’t even help yourself. The crash begins and it slams you down on concrete… yet the concrete does not break your fall. You have a much larger pit to dig yourself out of.
As an example I wish not to dive too much into… I decided to leave my Ex-husband while manic. Those who experience mania understand how truly devastating it was to make such an impulsive decision while being in that dangerous state of mind. In mania… your consequences are never good.
I have since learned that I must think through decisions very thoroughly, even if that process takes months to get through. It is hard…but being conscience of this necessity will prevent much suffering.
Mania, my old friend, I do not want to give you the power to destroy me… and that goes for your bestie, depression. I slap you in the face today as I feel great. ♥
Today is Amazing!
Sleep has been eluding me and I am sure it is med related. So either my body is adjusting to the new dose OR it is a bit of hypo-mania sneaking in. I still cannot tell but it “feels” more like hypo-mania because of the “tingling” sensations so common for me as I get closer to mania, and while in a state of mania.
But I must say I have been feeling GOOD! I have been full of jokes and laughing allot. I laughed so hard yesterday I had tears… and that has been rare. I can think of one blog post that has done that to me lately and other than that, no tears while laughing my arse off. Even better is that the “laughs and smiles” are random. They are not forced by watching or reading something… I catch myself with a little smile as I do my walking outside and I have MISSED that. I truly thought it was gone forever so I am happy that it is coming back to me.
Maybe this med dose will do the trick. At this point, I am not trying to get completely med free…just “feel” more. I am tired of feeling nothing… of lacking desire for everything… to do anything.
I must admit I feel like an old person because I bought my first pill splitter. I finally broke down and got one. Knives are not cutting it anymore and with my clumsy self, I would end up chopping a finger off eventually. HAHAHA
One thing I have learned about life is to take everything in stride. Today I am slapping stupid bipolar in the face instead of the other way around. Today is an AMAZING day. ♥
Related articles
- What Gifts, Mania? (aminddivided.com)
Naughty, Naughty…Silly Meds!
It is perfectly fine to hope and dream…and to wish.
So, lately I have had a surge of wonderful energy… energy that I have been missing for almost a year now and I believe I know why.
I will share my naughty secret but please do not judge me…. I cut my med dosage in half not very long ago and I can feel life trickling back into my veins. I know… naughty, naughty, tisk, tisk, slap, slap… for being my own Doc and lessening my dosage. In the last couple days I have joined a gym worked out at the gym and at home and I feel like my bubbly, silly humor is creeping back into this numb brain.
Am I on the way to hypo-mania?? Or is this simply the wonderful balance of meds combined with feeling good about myself for feeling hopeful and inspired?? I do not know the answer yet, but I am sure the truth will come out very soon.
Naughty pills dulling my head. I want to feel SOMETHING… not just the everyday living of life. I want loud ridiculous laughs, my silly mannerisms, ecstatic happy moments, and yes… even those down moods. I just don’t want them in their severity.
Right now I am feeling A-OK and I will continue on this path. It is perfectly fine to hope and dream…and to wish.
If a readjustment is needed, I am not afraid to do so. ♥
“Hello, Hello”?
Echos, the only voice I hear is my own.
“Hello”, “Hello”?, “Who can be the one to save me”?
To save, I say, is a triumph that must come…
from the will of “me”.
“Hello”, “Hello”?, “do you see the devil too,
the darkness that shadows… menacingly invades”?
I see it dear ‘Me”, I say, the devil has no power over you
No matter how easily it can persuade.
“Hello”, “Hello”?, “How do you know? Have the faith
that the devil is a losing entity, losing power”?
Dear me, I say, I know it to be so because of you…
You are emitting light and power…we no longer cower.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Will You Ever
Will You Ever
Today your words cut at me…
Like a razor blade. Making me bleed
From the deepest depths of me.
Will you ever forget, or lessen the pain.
The threshing of your tongue, echo of blame…
Will it cease? Or in the least, lessen the sting.
I know who is. The one to rest this evil upon.
Will you see? That it is not the box that I stand on?
Can I help your heart, soul, and eyes to see beyond.
I stand in this place so very dark, with doubt and shame.
My protection should have held strong. I question if I am to blame.
Will your spirit forgive… see past the hurt, blame… my name.
I look to you for strength, purpose, and beauty…
Will you ever look toward me and ever see” just me”?
The one who sacrificed all… for you to be well and free.
Will you ever look to me again and only see your “Mommy”.
© bipolarmuse 2012
I was having a wonderful conversation with my youngest son who was abused when out of the blue he asked me why I took him to “Las Vegas” to be hurt by “Austin”. Of coarse I had no idea that he would he be abused by such a horrible person…. yet I am the one who has to answers the hard questions. I told him I was “sorry” and that I did not know he would get hurt… and that I NEVER wanted or knew he would get hurt. He then told me “Yea, I got allot of BooBoo’s”.
Can you imagine such a heart breaking conversation. There are so many people out there who ignore abuse or who are not fit to be parents at all. I adore my children… all of them. My son is one part of my heart and I have to convince him all the time that I NEVER intended for him to be hurt. Today… my heart broke… again.
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
