It Is What It Is
A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be. ~ Albert Einstein
When I read this quote, it really resonated with me.
My therapist often says “It is what it is”. Which on the flip side means “It’s not what it’s not”. LOL, same thing?
For me, Einstein is saying that I should look for what “is”, what is directly in front of me and accept it…not project what “is” into what I think I want/have/need… etc. He is speaking “mindfulness” perhaps without even realizing it.
I absolutely LOVE mindfulness which is the root of DBT. (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). It is a process of retraining our brains to think in a more positive direction. Our brain is like this committee that likes to spit out opinions, advice, and judgments. What we “think” is not exactly truth. We can “think” that we are worthless, stupid, ugly, unlikable… whatever. Is it TRUE?! NOPE. But the committee can sure convince us of it right? So using DBT/mindfulness, we can get that committee to shut up. How? Well, when my brain starts with that nonsense, I literally tell the “committee” to shut its face. Not aloud if in public because that could cause other unnecessary issues. 
But sincerely, I tell it to shut its face and concentrate for a moment on the “present”. I take note of the silence, maybe the birds outside my window. I take note of my breathing pattern, maybe pay close attention to how my skin feels as it “connects” to a soft blanket. I bring myself to the very second I am in. Then I redirect my thoughts. I choose to think that I am worthy, strong, independent, capable of what I put my mind into, capable of living and thriving, that I am beautiful regardless of how ugly my past mistakes were. I choose to think in a positive light. To be grateful for another day to grow. Lately, I have found tremendous happiness and satisfaction through my blog… feeling that I have offered some hope and inspiration to anyone who stops by to read.
Remember friends… “It is what it is”. If you do not like it, change it. If it cannot be changed, accept it. In practicing this, you will find more peace.
p.s. Getting that “committee” to shut its face will help too. Retrain your thought process!! Not to be done overnight, but it can be done. I have been practicing it now for 9 months and I am now seeing a “noticeable” difference. If I can do it, take faith that you can too. I believe in you. ♥
Related articles
- You: Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder (natashatracy.com)
Blog For Mental Health 2012 Project ~ My life with Bipolar 1 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder ~ And Anxiety
Blog for Mental Health 2012 Project
My blog began as a place to vent, write poetry, and to tell my story. It was actually with a different blog host, under a different name, and I am BLESSED to have changed it to WordPress. My followers are amazing… and it was truly, TRULY a blessing to come here. As I have grown, my blog has reflected more than poetry, mental health, and my story… it is showing my “self” discovery and the hope that is shining inside. This hope I MUST share with others. Life is not always beautiful, but it is a beautiful life.
I am honored to take part in this Mental Health 2012 project. ♥
*This Mental Health Project was created by As The Pendulum Swings, a wonderful woman who suffers from Bipolar Disorder herself and wants to help raise awareness of mental health.*
The badge above is featured on Pendulum’s homepage, and on the homepage of those who take on this challenge, because we are dedicated to continue blogging throughout 2012 for mental health. .. to promote awareness.
So, here are the rules.
1.) Take the pledge by copy and pasting the following into a post featuring “Blog for Mental Health 2012″.
I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2012 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.
2.) Link back to the person who pledged you.
3.) Write a short biography of your mental health, and what this means to you.
My mental health reared its ugly head in my preteen years and has continued to get worse over time. After many years of being in denial, I had to finally accept my diagnosis of Bipolar 1 Disorder as well as a couple co-morbid Disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety. Over the course of my life, I have had many life events that have exaggerated my mental health conditions and have caused me much heartache, as well to those I love. This last year has been a road of self discovery and finally to a place of hope. I have been compliant with medication and have felt better, on a mental level, than I have in many years. Now, as I grow in my healing process, I want to be a beacon of light for others who suffer. When I began my blog, I never thought I would have such a wonderful following of fellow bloggers who find inspiration in what I write. It is my pledge to continue writing about mental health. Knowledge is just the beginning, yet so very important. I also want to share my experiences in hopes that others can gain insight into themselves.
4.) Pledge five others.
I wanted to pledge others but then decided that if anyone with a mental health diagnosis would like to participate, please do. Our stories are important. We can offer insight and hope to anyone out there. Even if you do not feel like you inspire, please know that your daily fight is inspiration in itself. ♥
**Feel free to take the pledge! Promote awareness!**
Related articles
- Mental Health Writers Guild (carlarenee45.wordpress.com)
The Best Of Me
The Best of me
You think you got the best of me
Had me begging, and begging
To be set free.
Only what you did not know,
Is your pain made me grow.
And I am not near as alone…
As you are, in the deep of the night,
I stand tall and see the light.
Because of you, I will not lose the fight.
You think you got the best of me,
I fight more… a little harder daily,
Push you back as far as can be.
I will not be set back,
For you, I refuse to lack,
The fight that got me from hell and back.
When you are far away from me,
Nothing to hold, having no place with me.
You will see, you made me stronger, never got the best of me.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Dalai Lama Quote
“Self-discipline, although difficult, and not always easy while combating negative emotions, should be a defensive measure. At least we will be able to prevent the advent of negative conduct dominated by negative emotion. That is ‘shila’, or moral ethics. Once we develop this by familiarizing ourselves with it, along with mindfulness and conscientiousness, eventually that pattern and way of life will become a part of our own life.~ Dalai Lama quotes
I often read of ways to combat depression. I think many of us who suffer it regularly read allot of self help books and look up information online. One option I read about was to keep a counter on you at all times and each time you have a negative thought, you click the button on the counter. This makes you aware of truly how many negative thoughts you have daily, and the number is usually astounding. This process makes you “aware” of your negative thought pattern and if each day you practice this, using the counter, you will make yourself more aware and the number will start dropping. Just the awareness, and mindfulness of the negativity you hold inside, will break the pattern of negative thoughts.You will begin to incorporate positivity into your mind and life, which will generate more positivity.
I found this piece of information very interesting and helpful. Though I do not use a counter, I do practice mindfulness and when a negative thought comes up, I will acknowledge the pain associated with it, then redirect my thoughts to something positive. For example: I think of my sons abuse. I acknowledge the pain, perhaps cry, and then I picture him how he is now… happy and healthy. What more do we want for our children?
Just a thought I wanted to share with you and I hope you take it to heart. Everything is worth the effort if it will bring peace of mind and happiness into our lives… keep this in mind my friends.
Have a beautiful weekend. Love and Light to you all. ♥
Winston Churchill Quote
I don’t like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand right back and if possible get a pillar between me and the train. I don’t like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second’s action would end everything. A few drops of desperation. – WINSTON CHURCHILL (1874-1965)
I like this quote. I am going to give a clear explanation as to why. Just as he says, he doesn’t want to temp himself to commit suicide… because in a moment of desperation and depression, he could make that horrible choice in a flash.
For myself personally, though I love to go shooting, I know I could NEVER own a gun, though I say I want one all the time. Why can’t I own one? Very simple… it puts an option before me that would not otherwise be before me. I know there are many ways to choose to die and that most women would choose a more gentle route (like overdosing), but I know I would never overdose, the thought terrifies me. I am in no way suicidal but wanted to touch on this point. I had heard of a story where a man owned a gun and kept it locked up… well, his suicidal teenage son knew how to get the gun and he committed suicide. The father was prosecuted for his sons death simply for having the gun available. Could you imagine the horror of losing your child like that and then to be prosecuted for his death? How unbelievably painful would that be?? It would kill me.
So, back to gun ownership for myself personally. I would love one for the sake of protection, but I could never ever have one. In the deepest of sorrows I would like to think that my children would keep me afloat, but I do not want to test that theory. A gunshot is instant, no turning back.
We have to keep our personal demons at bay, and that is one I choose to keep far, far away from me.
In sorrow and desperation, I want only my loved ones to hold onto. I want to clutch to hope. I do not want a readily available option to bow out. It is not in my destiny and I will not tempt fate.
♥
Positive Affirmation
Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives. ~Sidney Madwed~
***
These repetitive words and phrases are merely methods of convincing the subconscious mind. ~Claude M. Bristol
***
Positive Affirmations! Yes. I have been reading many of them lately and have started making a stack of affirmations that I am going to look through daily. To inspire. It is proven that if we start using “positivity” in our lives, we will feel better AND invite more positivity into our lives.
When I am at a low, I search for these affirmations that resonate with me. My friends, we all want happiness… not one of us would “choose” to suffer. I encourage you to find a little positivity in EACH day. Even if it is listening to a favorite CD… maybe taking a walk and literally smelling the flowers. I will point out another way to fight negative thoughts on tomorrows post, as today has been a hectic day. If we consistently put these positive affirmations in our minds, hanging on our doors, written on our mirrors… everywhere we will see them constantly… the positivity will slowly creep in and begin to lift us up. It is not an “instant gratification” thing… so please be patient. I know there is not a cure all for anyone, but why would we continue to allow misery to play go-around in our heads? Would it not be better to practice these affirmations to offer us hope, to give us a boost in our daily living.
♥ Be gentle on yourselves dear friends. I am with you in heart and know your pain to different degrees. ♥
Mark Twain Quote-
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Mark Twain
I do not know why I absolutely love this quote but I relate it not only to my disorder but also to life in general. We never know the end results of what our actions will be until we put the wheels in motion and take that action. Then we see things in hind-site that we could not otherwise see. It can be a lesson learned in which we could ONLY learn it by carrying a cat by the tail, so to speak. Especially when it comes to poor decisions. Those cut us the deepest. I do not know about you, but I can only imagine the wrath of a cat that is held by the tail, and I would not want to be the person to do so. Though in life circumstances I can surely understand the pain that would accompany the above quote and the lesson learned.
Just an interesting quote to keep in mind when a big decision is in our midst. Every good/bad experience is a lesson learned, but wouldn’t you prefer a more gently outcome… I know I would.
p.s. Do not try to grab any cats in such a manner, it is not only mean, but guaranteed, the cat will get you back 10 fold. 
Oscar Wilde Quote
“A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” ~ Oscar Wilde
Master of thyself. Isn’t that what what many Eastern religions express… Buddha comes to mind. I want to be in control of what I feel, not allow these wretched emotions to rule me. I must separate myself from these false emotions and focus on what I can help. What can I help? My outlook on life, awakening to another blessed day and realizing it is a gift and not a curse.
I know friends… those who suffer with relentless mood disorders, sometimes that is easier said than done. I do TRULY believe it can get better. With proper care and a positive outlook on our day, can we not make our lives a bit brighter each and every day? Even when in a slump, take notice of what you are appreciative of, no matter how simple it is. It is pleasure… and if that small amount of pleasure can get you through another moment, all the better.
Keep a watchful eye. Watch for what triggers your horrendous mood swings, analyze them and see if they are “valid”… if they are, accept them NON-JUDGMENTALLY, and then do not dwell. We have purpose. Every single one of us. Keep that in mind my friends. Nobody goes unnoticed. Grasp what hope you can find and do not let go. Whatever inspires you, indulge in it. Live to your fullest potential. I know that what I say can be hard for some to understand… but take hope. I have hit bottom many times and managed to get back up. My trials have been HUGE… yet I move forward, improving each and every day. If I can do it, undoubtedly you can too.
Love and Light my friends. May you have peace on this day.
♥
Link in Autism, Bipolar Disorder, and Schizophrenia
My third child, my youngest son, was diagnosed with Autism at a young age. He has a very high functioning form of autism and has excelled in every aspect. His speech is fabulous, his spontaneous speech is getting much better, his interaction with others is pretty good… I don’t see many of the traits he had when diagnosed. He no longer “hand flaps”, and he is pretty good with eye contact. He is HIGHLY intelligent and is over the top in all his test scores. A small, yet silly example: We were walking in costco and they had these HUGE stuffed animals for sale. We were playing with them and of coarse the kiddos each wanted one. Their Dad said, “I don’t think so those are 50$ each”. My 6 yr old, in Kindergarten, looked at the price sticker and said “No Dad, they are 49 dollars and 95 cents not 50$”. He is amazing with numbers. Before he could hardly talk, he know all the numbers to the Thomas the Tank Engine Trains and their names. LOL. That being said, he has severe mood swings and gets very anxious and uncooperative on a whim. He can be happy go lucky one minute and then his mood just flips.
I have been reading about the link to Autism and Mood Disorders. I found it very interesting that most autistic children will have a family history of Bipolar Disorder/Manic Depression.
Here is a short article, including the link for the website I found this information.
From: http://blogs.wsj.com/health/2008/05/05/mental-disorders-in-parents-linked-to-autism-in-kids/
**Parents of children with autism are about twice as likely to have been hospitalized for mental disorders than parents of other kids, says a study published in the journal Pediatrics.
**Depression and personality disorders were more common among mothers but not fathers of autistic kids. The researchers found that schizophrenia was about twice as common in both mothers and fathers of children with autism.
**The link between parental disorders and a child’s autism was present regardless of whether the parent was diagnosed before or after the child. This pattern suggests that the association may be genetic, not a matter of a parent getting depressed over a child’s diagnosis.
**The work confirms earlier findings that showed psychiatric disorders are more common among family members of people with autism. A history of schizophrenia-like psychosis or affective disorder in a parent, for instance, sharply increases the odds of autism for a child.
Here is another link to The Journal of Neuropsychiatry about this subject. This article is, of coarse, a more scholarly article.
I find this interesting because I know that Bipolar Disorder can be highly hereditary. And watching the intense moods my son has, just seems to confirm what these article are saying. I also want to state that my son has always displayed these quick changes in mood since he was about walking age… so this was previous to the abuse he suffered. Also it was noted that some children will be diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders and then later in life drop that diagnosis and be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
When I found out my son had Autism, I wondered why, and how. He is a beautiful gift from God to be sure… and I think now I may have the answers to my “why” and “how”. ♥
Ernest Hemingway Quote
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
So much truth to this wonderful quote from Hemingway, a very troubled man himself.
I feel like a great deal of my writing comes from pain and my poetry is a release from that pain that builds up. My poetry comes from a sad place that has always resided with me. Sadly, melancholy has had a place with me longer than happiness and I have come to a point in my life where a change must take place, and it is a change I am continually working on.
I was once told by a very brilliant woman that I did not suffer from a broken heart, but rather a bleeding heart. Broken could be fixed, bleeding is another matter in itself. I believe her point was that I feel pain with magnified senses. My normal mental pain is similar to what a person goes through when they grieve for a loss. They grieve during times when grief is expected. My grieving is constant.
When I was in therapy, my therapist was speechless over my intense pain. Pain that should have lessened over time but that still hung on to me like it happened two minutes ago. The wounds were always fresh. She told me I was in a constant state of grief. That is when I began learning about mindfulness and skills to help me to keep my emotions in a more acceptable, less painful range.
To my fellow writers, May we continue to sit at our keyboards and “bleed”. I believe it is healing and makes for beautiful works. ♥
Bipolar? Interesting Tidbits…
Here is some information I find disturbing and slightly humorous.
*A marriage where 1 or both individuals have Bipolar disorder is nearly doomed. I say that with a grain for humor… laughter is good medicine. What are the stats for this little tidbit of info?? Nearly 90-95% of marriages, with a Bipolar person involved, end in divorce. That is a HUGE percentage. I can certainly understand why though, as I have made many catastrophic decisions without truly thinking them completely through. In fact, I have made huge decisions on a whim, causing my world to collapse on many occasions.
*ALL of my medications have side affects… some of them downright horrible, most tolerable that disappear after a few weeks, and a few that can give you a heart attack after reading the warning. What is the side affect warning that can bring on this heart attack?? “This medication can cause SUDDEN DEATH“. LOL, Do you know how many panic attacks that this simple phrase causes me? I cannot tell you how many times I have been relaxing, watching a movie, and all of a sudden felt dizzy or “odd” and thought – is this the start of “sudden death”-. Yes friends, I can tell you that happens to me frequently and I say quick silent prayers asking God to “remember me” and “let my children know how much I love them”. Funny and horrible right??
*There are activities that can help your Bipolar disorder. (These are proven true by the medical community and by personally doing these things). One is exercise. Yes, if we can get the motivation to get our butts up and stick to a routine, exercise does wonders for improving the mood. Here is the problem for me: I get addicted. I will work out hours a day, 7 days a week. I almost believe the exercise can make me slightly manic, but hey… better than slightly in the opposite direction. Another is eating healthy. Not sure how or why, but this one does help as well. When I eat better, I feel better. Maybe it does have to do with the “You are what you eat” phrase. It too can be addicting. LOL… but addicted to bean sprouts is better than addicted to peanut butter cups. And lastly I would like to mention this one, which may or may not be proven by the medical world. Recently I was reading a book about mood disorders and the book was written by those who suffered themselves and also by those closest to them. One man was saying that as a mood “boost”, his goal (and his wife said that it did indeed work), was for his wife to orgasm daily. It would help her mood no matter what… if nothing else worked, she could always count on the orgasm. LOL. I find this one highly interesting and of coarse it makes you chuckle a bit doesn’t it?? And I would bet that this one could be addicting too.
Just some food for thought!!
Happy Friday My Friends! ♥
A Year Ago
A Year Ago
Lost, lonely, confused and dazed.
Sad, frightened, drinking during the day.
The hours, minutes, seconds on the clock,
Meant nothing. Just an annoying “tick tock”.
Living each night, hooting with the owls.
Days just as easy, drowning time in alcohol.
Losing sight of goals lined up, goal defined…
During a very distressed, manic state of mind.
Surely to not succeed, to tall and high, those dreams.
Created from just a fraction of the one I call “me”.
Sorrow and Failure enveloped me. Wicked tools.
The devil brandishes them, just wicked fools.
But they plant seeds and plot my destruction,
Barely a fight in me, other than to follow instructions.
I know I am not destined to leave in this way,
I reach out to those, who won’t give up for me, not today.
I prayed for my babies to light the road, the right path.
Sacrifices were made. Though most made me more sad.
I had to fight, giving up was not an option for me…
Fight for them, fight for me. No other way to be.
I cried all hours of the day, and at night I could pretend…
Life was amazing, full of purpose, just Grand.
I crash and burned each and every day.
Was never sure how long I could endure the pain.
Endless phone calls, desperation… all I could do was cry.
Slept on the couch of a dear friend, when I feared for my life.
A year ago, sadly this was the tale of me.
One year later, though not healed, I am much more complete.
Sadness, an old friend, can still reign.
But now, in this loving place, happiness has a place.
♥
© bipolarmuse 2012
Lets Talk Mood Swings~ and a Quote
“On a bad day I have mood swings- but on a good day, I have the whole mood playground”.
~Charles Rosenblum
I have been reflecting on my blog and looking through my various posts and poems.
I do not know if my faithful followers have noticed, but I can see a significant mood swing simply by my works alone on this blog… but only one. Granted, I am usually pretty fortunate and very in tune with my moods and I can usually spot them from a mile away. This one I didn’t really see. Why? Because it was very gradual.
I believe I started off in a normal mood, and then it gradually escalated to perhaps a “hypo-manic” type, and then cycling (which would explain the crying spells/blues/irritation though I felt overall pretty well), and then a bit of depression. A “normal” depression though because it came after I visited my babies, so that is a normal “grieving” process. Sadly, it has lasted over a week, but I do feel a steady increase in it wearing off. Yesterday was a sad day, but also one to rejoice in. And today I get to shop for discounted Valentine’s items which makes me happy. Here I come knee high socks covered in hearts and my favorite, Ring Pops!
I just noticed the mood swing and wanted to see if anyone else had noticed it a little bit. LOL, or maybe I am off my rocker. Hehe, just a joke. Got to have fun and laugh… it is good for the soul.
As for the quote, I found it hilarious! HAHA, the “whole mood playground”? I am not sure if I would only want the swings or the whole enchilada but nevertheless, I found it funny and thought I would share.
I hope all had a nice Valentine’s Day and showed themselves and others some love… and continue it daily. We deserve that for ourselves… and kindness to others will help us as well. ♥
Negative Thoughts
Negative Thoughts
Negative thoughts, painful memories,
As a screenplay in my mind.
Your invasions are pure trifling…
Perversely abate my precious time.
~
Oh, how I detest, loathe, the waste.
Your treacherous form, your very entity.
Withering my mind, heart, maybe my soul.
Taking invaluable, priceless, pieces of me.
~
Negative trifling thoughts…
I do not allow you to invade me anymore.
My mantra ” This thought is not helping me”.
I believe. Have implanted it, in my very core.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** One thing that I have taken to my core from therapy, which is based on mindfulness, is that negative thoughts can cause us much unneeded grief and pain. We revisit these thoughts all the time but the more we become aware of how often we do, we can actually lessen how often we revert to the negativity. So, my therapist recommended that each time I have a negative thought, to ask myself “How is this thought working for me”, or just say out right, “This though is not helping me”. It truly can help to divert your attention from the thought you are dwelling on. Try it. I know that it is not easy, trust me… I know. Suffering from mood disorders myself…I know the battle that is faced and that training the brain to think differently takes time. I do believe though that it can be done. With practice. Everything takes practice.
Try it. Next time your mind is boggling you down in negativity, take notice, and say, “This thought is not working for me”, then divert your mind to something you are grateful for. With patience and practice, this will become habit.
If it has helped me, it can certainly help you. **
♥ Love and Light my friends.
A Robert Frost Quote
The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
I have always interpreted this quote for myself in relation to my mood disorders. Relating the woods to death, or giving up this good fight as I like to call it…
But the rest of the quote is what inspires me.
” I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep”.
There is such beauty in this quote. I remind myself that I have promises to myself, to those that I hold near and dear, to my beautiful babies, to my Creator. This fight is never in vain. It is worth every struggle, each pain endured, every tear shed.
It is the good fight my friends… and no matter the struggles, just hold onto whatever faith and whatever hope you can find.
Simple words from a friend, a smile, a kind gesture, the beauty and hope that a new day offers, your dreams and goals. Always start small, baby steps, to reach the bigger aspirations.
And do not forget to love yourself, to LEARN how to love yourself. Say to yourself… ” I am worth it “… because you truly are.
♥ Love and Light my friends. May you have peace and beauty in this day.
Tingles
Tingles up my spine, in my hands, feet, neck, head. Sounds magnified by a billion… clanks, swooshes, drips, music from a house over, barking dogs, cars, the energy in my head. I swear I hear clown cars, elephants, people murmuring, popcorn bags crinkling, horns, tinkering bells, shoes shuffling, children laughing, a circus in my head. Every sensation is intensified 100 fold.
Bipolar Quote by David Lovelace
“It’s difficult. I take a low dose of lithium nightly. I take an antidepressant for my darkness because prayer isn’t enough. My therapist hears confession twice a month, my shrink delivers the host, and I can stand in the woods and see the world spark.”
― David Lovelace
I really wish I knew what the end of the quote means. “I can stand in the woods and see the world spark”.
To me, I almost wonder if the “woods” is in reference to his mind, and then how he sees everything through his own eyes. If you have any ideas, please share!
I had an experience that reminds me of this last line that I want to share with you. ~ After my diagnosis of Bipolar 2 disorder, I was in serious denial but out of amusement decided to take the meds prescribed to me. At the time, it was Wellbutrin and Depakote. NOT A GOOD COMBO for me. One day, in the depths of my sorrow and anguish, I decided to go to the park. It was huge with a large pond and a walking trail that circled this very large pond. I guess it is a fair assumption to say that I was suicidal. I sat on a bench that faced the pond and just stared out. All I remember was how everything seemed to have a “spark” about it. Everything was intensely magnified and it seemed like these little beams of energy were popping off from everything I looked at. The sky seemed to be “sparked” with some sort of little bursting bubbles. (And just for record, this was not a psychotic episode). What I DO believe is that it was the beginning of my very first Manic episode. The sun was too intense, the breeze too intense, the sound of other people enjoying themselves was too intense. Even as I got up and walked, the ground beneath my feet felt too intense, like I could feel each pebble or uneven surface. I was fascinated, as everything from sight, sound, touch, and olfactory senses was magnified. My brain was firing off in a way I had never experienced. Low and behold, it was a manic episode. After days of running around with no sleep… working with zero sleep, going out all night long, again with zero sleep… now repeat this many days in a row. I finally called a Doc at the pleading of a friend with a degree in psychology, and stopped the medications, but added a sleeping pill. In hindsight, and more experiences to compare with this, Wellbutrin was the devil. It set into motion the mania that soon became my wicked friend. Only a little less wicked than depression.
I never had that extreme of a manic episode again until 2008, 5 years later. Then in 2008, same thing happened. Hot felt cold, cold felt hot… the lights in grocery stores were too bright… and so on. This manic/hypo-manic episode lasted from 2008-2011. I was rapid cycling. Unbelievably so. I thought one of two things was happening… I was going crazy, or I was going to die. ~
Stupid Bipolar Disorder
Bipolarmuse ♥ To memorize them...
With every moment, every second, I stare intensely. Every roundness of their cheeks, the slope of their noses, the very lashes on their eyes…. I want to memorize them. I want everything from the touch of their skin to the shape of their toes to be be etched into my mind, burned into my heart, carved into my soul. I want their intense blue eyes forever burned into my being.
Teaching Children Mindfulness
As I am here with my children, of coarse it is a memorable, happy, loving experience. They are encompassing me with unconditional love, and the beauty of what life is for me. We cuddle, and I hold them in my arms while they fall asleep. We exchange many “love yous” and “miss yous”, and of coarse they ask me heart wrenching questions that instantly make me cry. Some tears just cannot be held back. Children are the most open of any age group, and bold in their questioning.
From the moment I get to them, their minds jumps forward to when I have to leave. They are very smart and realize, that for the time being, my time with them is limited. So they project to the future and become sad, and anxious, and their tears flow. It is absolutely heartbreaking and I am not able to hold my tears back either. I hold them and remind them that I love them so very much and I miss them every second I am away. I then ask them to please not worry about when I must leave, but to enjoy the moment. The moment we have together right now is the most precious and we do not need to be sad and cry, but to be happy and have a great time together, whether we are simply watching cartoons or playing hide and seek. What we have in this moment is beautiful.
Though it is hard to say these things without a quivering voice and without tears streaming down my face, I must teach them… this moment is what we have… we must enjoy each and every second.
It is difficult, and being with them keeps me on the verge of tears, not willingly, but just as I came to visit… I will have to leave. Heartbreaking but true. I am staying in the moment though I must fight back my grief. I accept it… because it is what it is, for the time being .
I do hope my words touch somewhere in their heart and minds so that they don’t have to suffer unnecessarily… something I am continuously work on.
Love and light my friends…
Mood Swing Quote for Monday!!
“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Wow. Today has been a seriously overwhelming day. I went from happy (or the best version of it I can find) the last couple weeks to falling flat on my face. Crying from the moment I awoke… and still at this moment.
This, my friends, is Bipolar. Ugly, vile, shattering, not a discerning reason for the swing.
I will pick myself up again, I always do.
Someday the tears will sting less, the sorrow dwindle. I would rather it be sooner than later… Please.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Mindfulness For Sunday
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ Dalai Lama
This quote truly needs to be taken by heart. How many times have we offered love, compassion, and kindness to friends and loved ones, even at times to strangers in need… offering hope, reminding them that the events they are hurting from will become easier.
Yet we do not take the time to do so for ourselves.
For myself personally, I am my worst enemy. It was brought to my attention that I still retain much guilt over the pain of my past. Past mistakes that, because I was not fully in control of my emotions, has caused me terrible grief. A mourning if you would. A hurting from the pain I have caused to others as well. I continue to inflict this pain upon myself and keep the wounds open, not allowing full healing to take place.
Friends, this love and compassion, yes it must be extended to others. It gives a great feeling within to do so… brings a peace and an enlightenment. Yet, we must also water our own souls with this same loving kindness and compassion. We must forgive ourselves. How that is done, I am not sure. I do believe acceptance is the key, and a lesson I am learning the hard way.
I have hurt myself the most by my past. Others have already moved forward and accepted it, but perhaps never forgetting, the terrible pain I have caused. I must move forward and do the same. I must love me. In doing so, I will open my heart and learn to fully love others.
I am, as I have mentioned before… a work in progress.
I will do it, I have faith.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Bipolar Quote of Every Few Days
“The greatest communication barrier known to man is the lack of the common core of experience “When’s the last time you had a Manic Episode Doctor”?”
― Stanley Victor Paskavich
Oh my, oh my. I think I appreciate Docs who suffer or who have a personal experience with mood disorders (aside from their patients that is). How do you explain a depression, a mood, that makes you sleep 15+ hours a day?? Or makes you stay in pajamas for days on end without you not sounding “lazy”??
Or how do you explain the circus you heard in the hall from “psychosis”, from the inability to sleep? The images that scroll through your mind 50mph that leave you exhausted? The 10 books you have just begun reading at the same time, or the 10 different projects you took on only to leave them all incomplete? How do you explain the decisions that destroyed your life during a manic episode?? Or how you feel like you cannot go on because the life you lived is now in a billion shards on the floor under your bleeding body??
How do you explain such things to a person who has zero personal experience in the matter of mood disorders…aside from textbooks?
A difficult balance indeed.
What a fun convo with your PDoc though, ” So Doc, tell me, are you a manic depressive? Do you lack interest in activities? Or become promiscuous when manic?” LOL… I should ask my Doc.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Bipolarmuse ♥ An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison
Image via Wikipedia
This is one of my favorite books about manic depressive illness. In fact, I would say Kay Redfield Jamison is one of my favorite authors. “Touched With Fire” and “Night Falls Fast” are both amazing reads as well. She touches so well on the circus in my head I described earlier… the sensory explosion that happens to me during a manic stage.
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
