Ernest Hemingway Quote
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
So much truth to this wonderful quote from Hemingway, a very troubled man himself.
I feel like a great deal of my writing comes from pain and my poetry is a release from that pain that builds up. My poetry comes from a sad place that has always resided with me. Sadly, melancholy has had a place with me longer than happiness and I have come to a point in my life where a change must take place, and it is a change I am continually working on.
I was once told by a very brilliant woman that I did not suffer from a broken heart, but rather a bleeding heart. Broken could be fixed, bleeding is another matter in itself. I believe her point was that I feel pain with magnified senses. My normal mental pain is similar to what a person goes through when they grieve for a loss. They grieve during times when grief is expected. My grieving is constant.
When I was in therapy, my therapist was speechless over my intense pain. Pain that should have lessened over time but that still hung on to me like it happened two minutes ago. The wounds were always fresh. She told me I was in a constant state of grief. That is when I began learning about mindfulness and skills to help me to keep my emotions in a more acceptable, less painful range.
To my fellow writers, May we continue to sit at our keyboards and “bleed”. I believe it is healing and makes for beautiful works. ♥
Bipolar? Interesting Tidbits…
Here is some information I find disturbing and slightly humorous. 
*A marriage where 1 or both individuals have Bipolar disorder is nearly doomed. I say that with a grain for humor… laughter is good medicine. What are the stats for this little tidbit of info?? Nearly 90-95% of marriages, with a Bipolar person involved, end in divorce. That is a HUGE percentage. I can certainly understand why though, as I have made many catastrophic decisions without truly thinking them completely through. In fact, I have made huge decisions on a whim, causing my world to collapse on many occasions.
*ALL of my medications have side affects… some of them downright horrible, most tolerable that disappear after a few weeks, and a few that can give you a heart attack after reading the warning. What is the side affect warning that can bring on this heart attack?? “This medication can cause SUDDEN DEATH“. LOL, Do you know how many panic attacks that this simple phrase causes me? I cannot tell you how many times I have been relaxing, watching a movie, and all of a sudden felt dizzy or “odd” and thought – is this the start of “sudden death”-. Yes friends, I can tell you that happens to me frequently and I say quick silent prayers asking God to “remember me” and “let my children know how much I love them”. Funny and horrible right??
*There are activities that can help your Bipolar disorder. (These are proven true by the medical community and by personally doing these things). One is exercise. Yes, if we can get the motivation to get our butts up and stick to a routine, exercise does wonders for improving the mood. Here is the problem for me: I get addicted. I will work out hours a day, 7 days a week. I almost believe the exercise can make me slightly manic, but hey… better than slightly in the opposite direction. Another is eating healthy. Not sure how or why, but this one does help as well. When I eat better, I feel better. Maybe it does have to do with the “You are what you eat” phrase. It too can be addicting. LOL… but addicted to bean sprouts is better than addicted to peanut butter cups. And lastly I would like to mention this one, which may or may not be proven by the medical world. Recently I was reading a book about mood disorders and the book was written by those who suffered themselves and also by those closest to them. One man was saying that as a mood “boost”, his goal (and his wife said that it did indeed work), was for his wife to orgasm daily. It would help her mood no matter what… if nothing else worked, she could always count on the orgasm. LOL. I find this one highly interesting and of coarse it makes you chuckle a bit doesn’t it?? And I would bet that this one could be addicting too.
Just some food for thought!!
Happy Friday My Friends! ♥
Lets Talk Mood Swings~ and a Quote
“On a bad day I have mood swings- but on a good day, I have the whole mood playground”.
~Charles Rosenblum
I have been reflecting on my blog and looking through my various posts and poems.
I do not know if my faithful followers have noticed, but I can see a significant mood swing simply by my works alone on this blog… but only one. Granted, I am usually pretty fortunate and very in tune with my moods and I can usually spot them from a mile away. This one I didn’t really see. Why? Because it was very gradual.
I believe I started off in a normal mood, and then it gradually escalated to perhaps a “hypo-manic” type, and then cycling (which would explain the crying spells/blues/irritation though I felt overall pretty well), and then a bit of depression. A “normal” depression though because it came after I visited my babies, so that is a normal “grieving” process. Sadly, it has lasted over a week, but I do feel a steady increase in it wearing off. Yesterday was a sad day, but also one to rejoice in. And today I get to shop for discounted Valentine’s items which makes me happy. Here I come knee high socks covered in hearts and my favorite, Ring Pops!
I just noticed the mood swing and wanted to see if anyone else had noticed it a little bit. LOL, or maybe I am off my rocker. Hehe, just a joke. Got to have fun and laugh… it is good for the soul.
As for the quote, I found it hilarious! HAHA, the “whole mood playground”? I am not sure if I would only want the swings or the whole enchilada but nevertheless, I found it funny and thought I would share.
I hope all had a nice Valentine’s Day and showed themselves and others some love… and continue it daily. We deserve that for ourselves… and kindness to others will help us as well. ♥
Negative Thoughts
Negative Thoughts
Negative thoughts, painful memories,
As a screenplay in my mind.
Your invasions are pure trifling…
Perversely abate my precious time.
~
Oh, how I detest, loathe, the waste.
Your treacherous form, your very entity.
Withering my mind, heart, maybe my soul.
Taking invaluable, priceless, pieces of me.
~
Negative trifling thoughts…
I do not allow you to invade me anymore.
My mantra ” This thought is not helping me”.
I believe. Have implanted it, in my very core.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** One thing that I have taken to my core from therapy, which is based on mindfulness, is that negative thoughts can cause us much unneeded grief and pain. We revisit these thoughts all the time but the more we become aware of how often we do, we can actually lessen how often we revert to the negativity. So, my therapist recommended that each time I have a negative thought, to ask myself “How is this thought working for me”, or just say out right, “This though is not helping me”. It truly can help to divert your attention from the thought you are dwelling on. Try it. I know that it is not easy, trust me… I know. Suffering from mood disorders myself…I know the battle that is faced and that training the brain to think differently takes time. I do believe though that it can be done. With practice. Everything takes practice.
Try it. Next time your mind is boggling you down in negativity, take notice, and say, “This thought is not working for me”, then divert your mind to something you are grateful for. With patience and practice, this will become habit.
If it has helped me, it can certainly help you. **
♥ Love and Light my friends.
A Robert Frost Quote
The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
I have always interpreted this quote for myself in relation to my mood disorders. Relating the woods to death, or giving up this good fight as I like to call it…
But the rest of the quote is what inspires me.
” I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep”.
There is such beauty in this quote. I remind myself that I have promises to myself, to those that I hold near and dear, to my beautiful babies, to my Creator. This fight is never in vain. It is worth every struggle, each pain endured, every tear shed.
It is the good fight my friends… and no matter the struggles, just hold onto whatever faith and whatever hope you can find.
Simple words from a friend, a smile, a kind gesture, the beauty and hope that a new day offers, your dreams and goals. Always start small, baby steps, to reach the bigger aspirations.
And do not forget to love yourself, to LEARN how to love yourself. Say to yourself… ” I am worth it “… because you truly are.
♥ Love and Light my friends. May you have peace and beauty in this day.
Teaching Children Mindfulness
As I am here with my children, of coarse it is a memorable, happy, loving experience. They are encompassing me with unconditional love, and the beauty of what life is for me. We cuddle, and I hold them in my arms while they fall asleep. We exchange many “love yous” and “miss yous”, and of coarse they ask me heart wrenching questions that instantly make me cry. Some tears just cannot be held back. Children are the most open of any age group, and bold in their questioning.
From the moment I get to them, their minds jumps forward to when I have to leave. They are very smart and realize, that for the time being, my time with them is limited. So they project to the future and become sad, and anxious, and their tears flow. It is absolutely heartbreaking and I am not able to hold my tears back either. I hold them and remind them that I love them so very much and I miss them every second I am away. I then ask them to please not worry about when I must leave, but to enjoy the moment. The moment we have together right now is the most precious and we do not need to be sad and cry, but to be happy and have a great time together, whether we are simply watching cartoons or playing hide and seek. What we have in this moment is beautiful.
Though it is hard to say these things without a quivering voice and without tears streaming down my face, I must teach them… this moment is what we have… we must enjoy each and every second.
It is difficult, and being with them keeps me on the verge of tears, not willingly, but just as I came to visit… I will have to leave. Heartbreaking but true. I am staying in the moment though I must fight back my grief. I accept it… because it is what it is, for the time being .
I do hope my words touch somewhere in their heart and minds so that they don’t have to suffer unnecessarily… something I am continuously work on.
Love and light my friends…
I Cling
This spinning world… unpredictable,
yet a most wondrous scene.
I cling.
To love … capricious, astonishing…
growing, priceless, serene.
I cling.
With my glowing energy, growing inner spirit…
Selflessly to give.
I cling.
To this life, painful, with twists and turns…
Yet also with moments of bliss…
I can cling.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Courage
I am on a most wonderful journey, in this life, with my babies…
Most beautiful and amazing forces in my life.
All four have that astonishing affect on me.
They are more than worth any amount of pain that I feel.
They are my hope.
They are precious and the most beautiful pieces of me…
Give me my most important attribute.
Courage.
They make the moon shine its light upon me,
The suns warm rays wrap me in its embrace.
They envelop me in love…
And make the stars wink at me.
They impart to me my mighty strength,
Even in darkness,
They give me
Courage.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Many Are Strong In the Broken Places
“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.” Ernest Hemingway
This is a beautiful strong statement that rings validity. Think of it this way… broken bones in your body heal pretty darn quickly… the legs being the slowest because they are weight bearing. Within a certain amount of time (I think 1 year, maybe less), a broken bone is completely healed and is in actuality stronger where it was broken. (Please correct me if I am incorrect).
Isn’t that a testament to who we are as humans?? When we feel broken and shattered, in time… the strength becomes more than it had ever been. The will and determination ignites with a fierce passion. The hard part is that we want instant gratification instead of waiting for that healing and building process to take place.
Have faith my friends… we heal. Maybe slowly at first, but with diligence and perseverance we can do it! I believe in the power of the human spirit!!
A Rebound Day
A rebound day… from an excruciating pain.
A moment to breathe without,
the shaking of my chest.
A moment to relish in the beauty
of dry eyes and steady breath.
A beautiful note left,
with prayers, hope, and love.
A moment to forgive myself,
accept what cannot be undone…
Move forward, embrace myself with Love.
I stepped out in the beauty of the sun,
Heard the chirping of birds, Saw mother nature…
In her glorious gifts of flowers and trees.
Praised my Creator… for the possibility
of each one of my dreams.
Praised my Creator for another day,
to walk in beauty, and loving grace.
Today is a miracle, and tomorrow…
I will walk into a blessed day.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** As many of you know, yesterday was a brutal day. I literally cried from sun up to sun down. Completely unexpected. Tomorrow will be a glorious day, of love and beauty. I fly to see 2 pieces of me and I look forward to every single second of each day that I am with them. I look forward to their loving playful spirits and I will be embraced by their beautiful light, love, and energy. They are part of the light during my darkest days.**
Thank you for all the comments and concern yesterday. I truly was moved and appreciative to each and every one of you.
Love and Light ♥
Today
So close, So soon.
Today
One of those days.
The tears flow freely,
I feel like I could forget to breathe.
But just two more days and I will be with two parts of my heart and soul,
My two beautiful babies.
I long to embrace them…
Kiss them from head to toe.
Remind them I am there at all times,
in their heart of hearts and soul of souls.
That even when I can’t be seen,
I share with them the sun, stars…
and the glorious moon beam.
That they are felt and loved in every inch of me.
And one day soon,
So very close, each day, I will be.
On With My Award Duties…
These awesome bloggers awarded me with several awards!! Makes me ecstatic to be shown so much love.
Novice Journal – 7×7 Link Award
Lara: On The Weigh Down – The versatile blogger award
Seasons Change, and Change, and Change – The versatile blogger award
It’s Just One Aspect – The versatile blogger award
Now, since there are so many rules that come with these… I will break a few. LOL. I am sorry I must rebel, but I will do my best.
The Versatile Blogger Award has the following rules:
Post a picture of the award.
Thank the award giver
Share 7 random facts about yourself
Nominate 15 other bloggers about this and tell the so
Random things about muah… not an easy task. LOL
1. I use to be a workout fanatic
2. I would like to be a workout fanatic again
3. I love the color red and color my hair, of coarse, red.
4. I have a love for pop music… LOL… don’t hate
5. I like Hookahs
6. I like collecting flasks… LOL… but have lost all that I have collected. Gotta start again.
7. I have no clue about the different styles of poetry, I just write.
My 15 nominee’s:
1. Warrior Poet Wisdom – Such inspiration and insight.
2. Mortal Hearts with Immortal Souls – Very inspirational and full of positivity.
3. Verse Not Prose – Love the poetry.
4. Vampire Weather – Unique … and a muse to me.
5. Aspire, Motivate, Succeed! – The title says it all.
6. arjun1097 Revelation – Draws me in, love the poetry
7. Picnic with ants – an inspiration to me.
8. As the Pendulum Swings – I can relate so very much.
9. Ben Naga – Great poetry.
10. LSCOTT POETRY – Beautiful.
11. Stronghold (Bluesander) – Beautiful poetry I very much relate to.
12. Art Epiphany – Absolutely love the poetry.
13. Cheaper Than Therapy – A new blog I just discovered. Inspirational.
14. thepoeticgoblin – Poetry I can relate to very much.
15. Miss Mental Health – Mental health is something I can VERY much relate to. Love the rantings.
7×7 Link Award
I think I am gonna go nuts following all these rules… I will give it my best shot.
Here are the steps. All 50 3 of them: I am keeping this from the last blogger because it is hilariously true.
- Write some random fact about yourself. (Posting “I am a blogger” does NOT count.)
- List 7 of your posts that you think deserve to be read. (And apparently they’re categorized.)
- Nominate 7 other bloggers – which I do not think I have it in me to do so at this time. I adore so many blogs. Please forgive me for this rule breaking.
Fact: Do not laugh – I love The Vampire Diaries and find Damon to be the most hilarious, antagonistic jerk, but he is my most favorite character in the show. He is such a jack arse and I love it. I hear he gets nicer later… but I am hoping not too nice. I think I will get the books. LOL
Time to link up to some of my favorite posts!
Most Popular: Mindfulness for Sunday
Most Controversial: Bruised – About my sons abuse and the hell and pain it put me through. I cry as I explain this… so I won’t say more about it. Just read if you like.
Most Helpful: Being Mindful
Most Underrated: What do you want from me?? – About my ex’s suicide.
Most Surprisingly Successful: A Letter To Mom – About my Mommy (yes, I am an adult but she will always be mommy).
Most Beautiful: To Memorize Them – About my beautiful, amazing children. Tears well in my eyes. They are my everything.
Most Pride Worthy: The Pendulum Swings – about my disorder, how it brings me down, yet I continue to get back up.
Decorate My Own Soul
Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
Veronica A. Shoffstall
My yearning soul, waiting.
Ever so patient,
To grow the strength,
To travel the distance…
Quench my appetency to love me.
I want to disencumber this fervent need,
For acceptance from an external source.
To “decorate my own soul”.
From the cracks in my heart, grow…
My own garden, from my being,
A beauty, strength, a love that embraces
The grace of me.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Awards, Awards, Awards!
**Thank you so very much to these amazing bloggers!!**
I am so very stoked to be nominated for 4 awards the last few days! As you know these awards can take quite some time to put together and nominate others, so please be patient with me.
I would like to give a shout out to the 4 bloggers who nominated me so you can check out their awesome blogs.
Novice Journal – nominated me for 7×7 link award
Lara: On the Weigh Down – nominated me for The Versatile Blogger Award
Seasons Change, and Change, and Change! – nominated me for The Versatile Blogger Award
It’s just One Aspect – Nominated me for the The Versatile Blogger Award
I will do my best to get my nominations passed on within the next couple days.
The Pieces Of Me
The Pieces of Me
Pieces
Fragile, yet inexpungible.
A collapsed world, state of being.
A billion shards resting
Beneath this broken, bleeding body.
Pieces
Just a fragment or two
A chase of a whimsical place,
A familiar face.
Yet, all to reconcile is this broken state.
Pieces
My heart, have you forgot?
I am in the grips of a simple need,
Just one fickle beat.
My determination will continue on…
with The Pieces of Me.
© bipolarmuse 2012
I Believe
This cloudy…wondrous day.
A gift from our universe, our creator.
A time to sit, enjoy,
A time to ponder.
A most favorable time for me…
To stare at the gray world above.
In awe, amazement,
To feel so small under the sky,
Another world above.
Just a speckle I am, in this vast
world of galaxies, earth, and oceans.
How can we look to the sky, and not see a Creator??
How can we look at the complexity of a forest, the oceans,
The intricacy of the stars, moon, our solar system…
the magnitude of what we still do not know about our world,
And not see a Creator?
How can we watch a caterpillar change into a butterfly
and not see a Creator.
I look within, to the elaborateness of me.
The inner being, the beauty, the light that shines as a beacon
for me.
I look within to my weaknesses, but also to my strength…
my determination, the endurance, the depth of my
personality.
How could I look within, in the mirror, and not see a Creator?
I do see…
I do believe.
** Just pondering our world under the beautiful gray skies. I would not say I am religious, but I look at our world with awe, with admiration.
I cannot help believing. As I carried my children in my womb, something so beautiful and miraculous… I believed. For myself, there is no way that I cannot.**
What NOT to say to PDoc
Those of you who have been following what I write for a little while now know that I have a sense of humor…especially regarding my mental disorders.
* I was having a normal visit with my PDoc (Psychiatrist), who I love because she is very down to earth, has a sense of humor, and truly wants to help. It was at the end of our visit and she was going through the normal set of questions she has to ask at every appointment:
PDoc- Are you suicidal?
Me- Nah.
PDoc- Are you homicidal?
Me- Laughs a sincere belly laugh as I shake my head.
The PDoc stops dead in her tracks and looks at me. She was very serious looking, then the following comment was said:
PDoc- bipolarmuse, you can NOT do the evil laugh when I ask you if you are homicidal.
Me- I laugh and tell her, “that is also what my boyfriend says”. * LOL
I certainly hope she did not take me serious, as of coarse, I am not homicidal. Given the banter between us during most visits, it was a nice break in our visit as we normally accomplish. In another post, I will give another example of her hilarious attitude on life. She is a perfect PDoc fit for me, which does not happen often. I will mention that she is a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, which I absolutely love. My current regular Doc is also a Nurse Practitioner. I must say that I truly have better experiences with them than a regular Physician. They seem to have more time to go over things with you and seem a little more interested in you as a person. I know that certainly is not always the case, but in my experience, it has been a great pairing for me.
** DISCLAIMER**
I am not homicidal. Not at all.
My Personal Experience with Psychosis
I, luckily, have experienced Psychosis only twice in my life.
Some people see little green men and TRULY believe there are little green men standing there. My experience was nothing of the sort and I want to share it with you.
After my son was abused and I was in a seriously bad mental state (manic, not sleeping, depressed beyond expression, losing tons of weight…down to 100lbs, homicidal thoughts, you name it… I was not doing well at all).
I came home from work one night to find nobody home. They house was completely empty and I decided to take a bath to try to relax and relieve stress. After I ran the water and was soaking in the hot water trying to clear my mind, I heard (loudly like I was there) a circus taking place. I could hear the horns of clown cars and the crunching of popcorn as people chewed, I heard people shuffling to their seats and the sounds of elephants and circus music. I heard these sounds so distinctly I could completely envision the scene. I knew this couldn’t be real of coarse, because the house was not big enough to hold a circus. LOL. So I figured someone was home and watching a movie with surround sound on. I wrapped in a towel and decided to open the bathroom door, I guess to reassure myself, or say hi to my oldest children. I opened the door and the house was completely dark, nobody was there and it was so silent I could hear my own breathing. I climbed back into my bath, a little baffled and disturbed, and as soon as I rested my head, the sounds and images came back. It literally was like there was a circus taking place outside my bathroom door, in the itty bitty hallway. Every sound was crystal clear in my head. However, I knew this could not be occurring and that my mind was busy making crap up.
The second incident happened one night when I got off of work and was scrambling for my keys to unlock the front door. Just as I put the key in, I could hear and see a 50′s-60′s bar scene from the movies. Ladies in flapper style dresses, men in suits, bright red lipstick, music in the background. I could smell perfume, cologne, alcohol, mustiness. There was a piano man, the ladies had cute accents and were witty and smart-mouthed, the men equally so. I realized that this too was not real so I opened the door, convinced that somebody was home, again watching a movie. I opened the door to blackness and silence. Everyone was already in bed as it was a school/work night.
Of coarse I shared this information with my P-Doc and therapist and they both informed my that I was in Psychosis. The definition of Psychosis is: fundamental derangement of the mind (as in schizophrenia) characterized by defective or lost contact with reality especially as evidenced by delusions, hallucinations, and disorganized speech and behavior.
Now, I have never been diagnoses with schizophrenia, but under extreme fatigue and mental distress, anyone can go into psychosis (scary isn’t it). That is why sleep is so very important, and the control of stress in our lives. I am lucky because I knew the scenarios were not real. Imagine the poor souls who think what they are experiencing is truly real and happening. They have no idea that it is separate from real life.
I was blessed because those are the only episodes I have ever had. The doctors chalked it up to extreme emotional stress, fatigue, and mania. That is why I work on controlling these issues, though I do wish I could ride a “small roller-coaster” from time to time.
Never Away From You
I miss you, long for you…
In every breathing moment,
Even when the glorious moon shines,
My mind is never away from you.
Your beautiful heart, your brutal truth…
Your delicate eyes staring at me.
Every tender moment we share, please know…
My heart is never away from you.
Your compassion, determination… my muse.
Your soft touch, and playfulness,
Every experience shared, please remember…
My soul is never away from you.
Your sadness, anger, valid feelings… true.
Peace will abound, love surround…
Healing… proof from our affection never lost.
My love… my very being is never away from you.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Lets Talk Suicide
If you or someone you love/know is in crisis please contact 1-800-273-TALK for help or 911. The talk line is open 24/7.
For more information please visit the National Institute of Mental Health
Risk Factors
- prior suicide attempt
- family history of mental disorder or substance abuse
- family history of suicide
- family violence, including physical or sexual abuse
- firearms in the home,3 the method used in more than half of suicides
- incarceration
- exposure to the suicidal behavior of others, such as family members, peers, or media figures.
I would like to take a moment to speak about suicide and the link to mental disorders. Of coarse, not all people who choose to die at their own hand are mentally ill, yet many with Bipolar disorder and Schizophrenia are at increased risk.
Just a few facts :from NIMH
There’s an estimated 10-25 suicide attempts for every completed suicide. (Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison)
Women are three times more likely to attempt than men. American men are four times more likely to actually kill themselves.
Women usually use medications as a route to suicide while men chose violent means (for example, firearms, hangings).
Those who attempt suicide, 10-15% will eventually die by their own hand.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death in young people and second leading cause of death for college students.
Suicide is more common in writers, artists, scientists, and business men.
The percentage of a person committing suicide increases drastically when someone they know or love has committed suicide. (It is deemed contagious and becomes a “possibility” where it wasn’t before).
The percentage of elderly people killing themselves is increasing.
95% of those who attempt or succeed at killing themselves have mood disorders.
As is said: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
We as a society should be doing everything to prevent suicide, offer education, don’t allow the stigma to keep you from talking, bring awareness.
Suicide is preventable. Sadly, many who attempt never gave any indication of what they were planning. Leaving “notes” for loved ones is not very common. There is a horrid stigmas associated with suicide -which disgusts me. People make horrible comments about the person going to hell and at one time they didn’t allow those who committed suicide to be buried within cemeteries. They were cast out and looked down upon.
For myself, suicide is a personal issue. I have known and loved 3 people who chose to end their life. One in particular was very devastating and took me many years to overcome the pain associated with those left behind.
I believe that those who commit or attempt suicide should be looked upon with compassion. My friends, a healthy brain wants to live forever, a sick brain wants escape. Imagine the inner turmoil and desperation one feels if they think suicide is the only option.
I can’t begin to explain what mood disorders do to you… you have to experience it yourself to understand. Your brain can literally kill you by placing inappropriate thoughts into your mind. For example: people will think their families will be better off without them, that they are tired of disappointing those around them, they are a failure, and so on. Sometimes financial struggles contribute, or physical ailments. Whatever the faulty thinking, suicide should not be the answer. Though I can certainly sympathize with those who are mentally and physically drained… who make that deadly choice.
My favorite book on the subject is Night Falls Fast. It is very informative and it describes the Authors own battle with Bipolar disorder and an attempt she herself survived from.
Dreamland
The chemical slithers through me, searingly, numbingly
Sinking me further into my mattress.
Spellbinding arms grasping for me…
Pulling me, gripping me, immersing me.
Images, good, bad, the bizarre, swirl exceedingly in my mind…
Until I am, assuredly, walking in their world.
Conversations continued from earlier in time.
Images of knives, kites, freakish strangers passing through my closet
Midst the golden moonlight.
Amazingly bright parachutes, skies of wonder…
From tree to tree I ride, reaching for the enveloping night sky.
Pink, Purple, Blue, Green, Yellow, Red… bright ravishing colors.
Each passerby, every wanderer, very possibly a lover.
A shift in this world, changes all balance…
Red, pressing, demonic eyes watching me from here to there.
Warmth to heat, then blinding steam. Am I here by chance?
Dad, I gasp. Within my grasp. I fade back to the blackness.
The chemical begins its recession…
I open my eyes to my regular life and realize,
I was in another world, One with expression…
Vast emotion, reckless passion…and no restrictions.
Dreamland
© bipolarmuse 2012
** Dreams can be so difficult to describe as they change, and you can visualize in such depth that which only has meaning for you. I had this dream after my Dad passed away. I would ride from tree to tree on parachute sheets. So vivid with color.
Then I could feel the heat, and literally steam on my face as I walked into another place… and that was where I saw my Dad. I believe my mind was showing me that he was in hell. Lucky for me, I believe in no such place. But my father was not a good person, so maybe I connected that to the place everyone refers to as hell.
Just a side note I wanted to share.**
With Equal Fervor
With equal fervor, you both blind me…
One with darkness and the other with light.
You both flaunt the talent to empower me…
One kicks me down,
The other makes me soar oh-so-high.
With equal fervor, you both bring me harm…
One removes all hope, The other entices me with moon beams and starlight.
You both need each other to succeed…
The high needs the low, the low needs the high.
With equal fervor, you are a drug…
One brings Doom and Gloom, The other Fire and Desires so bright.
You both are a burden,
One weighs heavily, The other a “hell” hidden behind enticing bright lights.
With equal fervor, you’re both monsters…
in your own rite.
© bipolarmuse 2012
HATE
~ Anger is like fire. It burns all clean. –Maya Angelou~
I have lived Hate…
Though it was not an emotion
I previously knew.
I have learned HATE…
To foam at the mouth and feel unbelievable,
Uncontrollable rage.
I have tasted HATE.
If I had one moment with you,
I would more than gladly remove life,
From your eyes, the air from your lungs.
I have breathed HATE.
I have struggled with injurious effort
To move past your cruelty,
To turn the page. To burn away this rage.
I have fed off of this HATE.
I loathe you. Hope you know, smell…
The depths of Hell.
My son, inflicted by your inhuman hands,
I have become grievous HATE.
My son bruised, by you…
A monster. Undeserving of being.
I have become HATE.
But now, my beautiful son healing…
I must heal…
Release what binds me, hurts me so.
I must learn to release this HATE.
My son: my healing light is for you.
© bipolarmuse 2012
I Rise
Holding this vase, to the brim with sand and sea shells,
Clutching with impermeable vigor…
The precious vase breaks.
In terribly slow motion,
Invaluable contents plummet to the ground…
Glass, sand, and blood, takes its dear place.
On bended knees, crying and pleading,
With valiant effort, I hold the pieces…
Trying in desperation to put all of them back.
There is no hope, for what has been lost,
For it all lies in a billion shards…
Life has shifted from living, to reels of the past.
I salvage each piece that I can,
Even each tear noted and held…
As the most liveliest fragment of me died.
Present moment… through the pain,
On bended knees I brush off the dust,
Rinse my hands of blood, dry my eyes…
And I Rise.
© bipolarmuse 2012
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
