Mood Disorders and the Artist
If any of you love to read… and especially psychology books, you would love “Touched with Fire” by Kay Redfield Jamison. She does a great job in her research of poets of long ago and connects them with a possible mood disorder based upon their writing, melancholy, suicide attempts, suicide deaths, and information gathered from their families/loved ones… where applicable.
It is no surprise that mental illness goes hand in hand with artistic talents… for some reason, more so with writers than other artists. There is a striking number of suicides by contemporary writers that goes on to help prove the point. Lord Byron is quoted as saying, “We of the craft are all crazy”. (Speaking of other fellow writers and poets).
During a control study, 80% of writers were found to have any affective disorder. Affective disorder is descried as ” mental disorder characterized by dramatic changes or extremes of mood. Affective disorders may include manic (elevated, expansive, or irritable mood with hyperactivity, pressured speech, and inflated self-esteem) or depressive (dejected mood with disinterest in life, sleep disturbance, agitation, and feelings of worthlessness or guilt) episodes, and often combinations of the two. Persons with an affective disorder may or may not have psychotic symptoms such as delusions, hallucinations, or other loss of contact with reality.
Think about it… 80% is a staggering number of writers to be found with mood disorders.
Poets have the highest percentage of Bipolar 1 Disorder than any other writers/artists, and also have the highest percentage for suicides.
The more I am spent, ill, a broken pitcher, by so much more I am an artist – a creative artist. ~ Van Gogh
Kay Redfield Jamison says ” Artistic expression can be the beneficiary of either visionary and ecstatic or painful, frightening, and melancholic experiences. Even more important, however, it can derive great strength from the struggle to come to terms with such emotional extremes, and from the attempt to derive from them some redemptive value”.
Depression’s no gift from the muse~ Robert Lowell
The book also mentions the creativity of the relatives of writers, parents – 7%, while siblings were 20%…showing a pretty strong link to the genetic predisposition of Affective Disorders and creativity.
There is a wonderful graph in the book that I wish I could put in this post but it would be excruciatingly long and painful to do. However, you can see it here. In this chart is a breakdown of particular artists and their possible mood disorders. It gives the breakdown of why they were believed to have mood disorders, what type, and notes if they committed suicide. Strikingly, there is a high rate of mood disorders, suicide, and institutionalization within the group of poets AND their families. “More than one half of poets showed strong evidence of mood disorders… 1 in 3 poets likely suffered from Manic Depressive Illness, aka- Bipolar 1 Disorder.” (Touched With Fire)
Here is a list of artists believed to have some form of mood disorder:
John Berryman Honore De Balzac
Hans Christian Andersen Robert Burns
Samuel Clemens Lord Byron
Charles Dickens Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Isak Dinesen Emily Dickinson
Ralph Waldo Emerson T.S. Eliot
William Faulkner Victor Hugo
F. Scott Fitzgerald John Keats
Ernest Hemingway Edna St. Vincent Millay
Henry James Sylvia Plath
Eugene O’Neill Edgar Allan Poe
Leo Tolstoy Anne Sexton
Tennessee Williams Ezra Pound
Virginia Woolf Alfred Lord Tennyson
Emile Zola Dylan Thomas
Walt Whitman Michelangelo
Irving Berlin Jackson Pollock
Noel Coward Vincent Van Gogh
Stephen Foster Edvard Munch
Cole Porter Mark Rothko
Paul Gauguin Georgia O’Keeffe
Touched With Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison is a wonderful book and really helps to piece together these artists and their often melancholic mood noted in their works.
I leave you with words by Edward Thomas… for those of you with mood disorders, this will hit home with you… for those without mood disorders, this gives you an idea of what it is like to have one.
“I stay because I am too weak to go. I crawl on because it is easier than to stop. I put my face to the window. There is nothing out there but the blackness and the sound of rain. Neither when I shut my eyes can I see anything. I am alone…There is nothing else in my world but my dead heart and brain within me and the rain without.”
Day 6/30
Day 6: Pet peeves.
I don’t know where to begin with this one because I feel like I have too many.
*Smothering people – ya know, the ones that have to be sitting on your lap so you “know” they are there. I like personal space and have this “bubble” around me, please don’t invade it unless I invite you to. Concept goes for less obvious invasions of personal space.
* Jealousy – it is an evil little monster. All it does is ruin relationships and cause high blood pressure. Jealousy prevents nothing…but can assure the future.
* Chewing – please do so with your mouth closed and with less cow chomping sounds.
* Nosiness – If I want you to know something, I shall tell you.
* People that need constant affirmation from others.
* My nail biting. UGH.
These are just a few petpeeves that I could think of. Not much tends to really get under my skin, but these ones sure can.
I hope you all have an awesome day today… get your smile on! ♥
Chicken or the Egg?
What came first… the chicken or the egg??
As I was growing up, I had a very turbulent childhood. My Mom was a young Mother (17 yrs old) who gave birth to me in the 70′s…my Father was young and their lives were about partying, fighting, and making up. Or at least, that is how I remember it. I lived in a world of “contact” highs and desert parties. My Dad was not the best person in the world and was in Prison when I was born. He had a problem keeping his hands off other peoples property and apparently he wasn’t good at it either. Sadly, my Father also thought that abusing my Mother was OK. Thank God he never touched me and my sister (other than plain old spankings and time outs)… but he didn’t have a “hands off policy” when it came to my Mom.
So I ponder… my mood disorders are surely hereditary, my Dads side of the family is saturated with mental health problems and on my Moms side of the family I actually had a Great Uncle whose mind “snapped” and he lived out most of his life in a mental institution. So I ponder… what triggered my Mood disorders?? Was it my childhood and the instability I experienced? Sexual abuse? Hearing and knowing my Mom was being beaten by my Dad? My Dad beating our Dogs… possibly even killing them?
Was the disorder always there just waiting to come out?? Was it dormant and then triggered later in life to come out in full swing?
I have no clue. All I do know is that when I was 11, I was depressed. The poems I wrote from that time make me giggle… they are silly and obviously a product of the late 80′s. LOL. I laugh about that but in all honesty they are dark and gloomy. Nothing happy and preteen”ish” about them.
I always wonder… if my childhood had been “average”… lacking craziness and more craziness, would I have these disorders? Would they still have made their way out to play? I think so. I have to take heredity into account. I do have friends who have had amazing childhoods but that at some point BD decided to rear its ugly head. I guess I should count myself lucky… hey, at least I am not normal or average. 
Hyper-sexuality and Bipolar Disorder
“Manic sex isn’t really intercourse. It’s discourse, just another way to ease the insatiable need for contact and communication. In place of words, I simply spoke with my skin”. ~ Terri Cheney
Ahhhh, manic and hypo-manic sex. How many of you can relate to this?? Or admit to it? I certainly can. Hyper-sexuality and Bipolar Disorder seem to go hand in hand… mainly Bipolar 1 Disorder because it tends to be a “symptom of mania or hypo-mania”. Of course, hyper-sexuality can mean several different things: Thinking of sex more often than usual, having sex more often which would include a heightened sex drive, having multiple partners, indulging in porn, marital affairs, seeking excessive attention from someone of the opposite sex (or same sex for some individuals), an overwhelming need for contact-danger-excitement, sometimes to the extent of lacking control. What it means can vary from one individual to another.
Personally, hyper-sexuality hit me about my mid 20′s, which is one reason that I believe my DX at the time was incorrect. However, please understand that when depressed, there is NO such thing as hyper-sexuality. The last thing I want when depressed is to be looked at, touched, kissed… don’t even insinuate anything or I might have enough energy to roll my eyes and sleep on the floor. Hyper-sexuality always came out to play when I was in the throes of some form of mania. Sex was like a drug… the attention a rush. The quote at the beginning of this post nails it (pun intended). It almost becomes just another way to communicate… no need for any emotional connection at all (at least for me). And, best of all, nothing embarrassed me. I felt comfortable in my own skin, stretch marks and all. I became the most confident woman in the world… until the fall from Mania. Then the lights come on.
Please read up on this interesting, yet very real symptom of Bipolar Disorder. Especially if you are in a partnership with someone living with this disorder. It can help explain why he/she goes from a lump on the couch to a nymphomaniac porn-star nearly overnight.
Borderline Personality Disorder- Criteria and Me
I often talk about my Bipolar 1 Disorder and diagnosis but often leave out this very important diagnosis. Sometimes I cannot tell where one disorder begins and where the other ends and it can be a bit confusing on my behalf. Just a little rundown of my life to refresh your memories, or in the case of new followers, give you a little insight.
Onset of depression- 11 yrs of age. This is when I became a poet, and writer.
Fast forward 13 yrs ( yr 2000)- First diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder.
2002- Diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder and Anxiety.
2008- Diagnosed with severe Anxiety with psychosomatic symptoms
2010- Diagnosed Bipolar 1 with Psychosis (rare psychosis), General anxiety Disorder and Panic Attacks.
2011- Bipolar 1 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety, and a bit of Dissociative Disorder.
The Borderline Personality Disorder came as a shock to me as I had never identified myself with it in any way. The Dissociative Disorder I could swallow because of time gaps I do not remember and probably do not want to remember. Here is the DSM IV criteria for BPD and how they relate to me personally.
http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. * How this applies to me… Instead of clutching on for dear life for fear of abandonment, I have left every single relationship I have been in to prevent the abandonment from happening to me. I prefer to walk away than to be walked away from… hurts less I suppose.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. * How this applies to me… God, in every way. Instability is my middle name.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. * How this applies to me… I have ZERO identity that comes from me. I will blend into whoever I am around. If I am around people who always dress nice and wear high heels, I am that person too. If I am around people who where Fox, Hurley, and Roxy… I am that chick too. I have absolutely no clue who I am when it comes to my individual identity. I blend in with anyone if need be.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. * How this applies to me… spending money on huge purchases I truly cannot afford, sexual encounters when single that are dangerous…
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior * How this applies to me… as for self mutilation, my therapist counts tattoos and piercings, so yea, I have acted impulsively for the sake of a rush. Recurrent suicidal behavior applies to me and I have a morbid fascination with it.
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). * How this applies to me… I cannot seperate this one from Bipolar Disorder because it describes it to a “T” as well. I have intense emotional swings… sometimes over nothing. I love, I don’t love… I wax, I wane.
7. chronic feelings of emptiness * How this applies to me… Doesn’t matter how many people love and support me, or how many people are in the room with me, I am forever empty. I have felt empty and alone for as long as I can remember and try to fill the void with impulsive acts.
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) * How this applies to me… My anger I am fairly good at controlling until it builds and builds and then I erupt. I often say “Violence is my happy place” and no, that NEVER applies to my children. But look at me the wrong way and I will spoon out your eyeballs.
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms * How this applies to me… Dissociative symptoms.
It is very interesting to see the similarities between Bipolar Disorder (BD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
The DSM IV goes on to say:
The essential feature of Borderline Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts.
Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder have a pattern of unstable and intense relationships (Criterion 2). They may idealize potential caregivers or lovers at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not “there” enough. These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will “be there” in return to meet their own needs on demand. These individuals are prone to sudden and dramatic shifts in their view of others, who may alternately be seen as beneficent supports or as cruelly punitive. Such shifts often reflect disillusionment with a caregiver who nurturing qualities had been idealized or whose rejection or abandonment is expected.
There may be an identity disturbance characterized by markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self (Criterion 3). There are sudden and dramatic shifts in self-image, characterized by shifting goals, values, and vocational aspirations. There may be sudden changes in opinions and plans about career, sexual identity, values, and types of friends. These individuals may suddenly change from the role of a needy supplicant for help to a righteous avenger of past mistreatment. Although they usually have a self-image that is based on being bad or evil, individuals with this disorder may at times have feelings that they do not exist at all.
Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may have a pattern of undermining themselves at the moment a goal is about to be realized (e.g., dropping out of school just before graduation; regressing severely after a discussion of how well therapy is going; destroying a good relationship just when it is clear that the relationship could last). Some individuals develop psychotic-like symptoms (e.g., hallucinations, body-image distortions, ideas of reference, and hypnotic phenomena) during times of stress. Individuals with this disorder may feel more secure with transitional objects (i.e., a pet or inanimate possession) than in interpersonal relationships. Premature death from suicide may occur in individuals with this disorder, especially in those with co-occurring Mood Disorders or Substance-Related Disorders. Physical handicaps may result from self-inflicted abuse behaviors or failed suicide attempts. Recurrent job losses, interrupted education, and broken marriages are common. Physical and sexual abuse, neglect, hostile conflict, and early parental loss or separation are more common in the childhood histories of those with Borderline Personality Disorder.
There is much more information but I chose to include the information that hits home most for me. If you would like more information, please search the web for scholarly articles and websites specifically for BPD. There is a wealth of information out there… and remember: education is the key!
Much love my friends… may this day be gentle on you. ♥
Today is Amazing!
Sleep has been eluding me and I am sure it is med related. So either my body is adjusting to the new dose OR it is a bit of hypo-mania sneaking in. I still cannot tell but it “feels” more like hypo-mania because of the “tingling” sensations so common for me as I get closer to mania, and while in a state of mania.
But I must say I have been feeling GOOD! I have been full of jokes and laughing allot. I laughed so hard yesterday I had tears… and that has been rare. I can think of one blog post that has done that to me lately and other than that, no tears while laughing my arse off. Even better is that the “laughs and smiles” are random. They are not forced by watching or reading something… I catch myself with a little smile as I do my walking outside and I have MISSED that. I truly thought it was gone forever so I am happy that it is coming back to me.
Maybe this med dose will do the trick. At this point, I am not trying to get completely med free…just “feel” more. I am tired of feeling nothing… of lacking desire for everything… to do anything.
I must admit I feel like an old person because I bought my first pill splitter. I finally broke down and got one. Knives are not cutting it anymore and with my clumsy self, I would end up chopping a finger off eventually. HAHAHA
One thing I have learned about life is to take everything in stride. Today I am slapping stupid bipolar in the face instead of the other way around. Today is an AMAZING day. ♥
Related articles
- What Gifts, Mania? (aminddivided.com)
Naughty, Naughty…Silly Meds!
It is perfectly fine to hope and dream…and to wish.
So, lately I have had a surge of wonderful energy… energy that I have been missing for almost a year now and I believe I know why.
I will share my naughty secret but please do not judge me…. I cut my med dosage in half not very long ago and I can feel life trickling back into my veins. I know… naughty, naughty, tisk, tisk, slap, slap… for being my own Doc and lessening my dosage. In the last couple days I have joined a gym worked out at the gym and at home and I feel like my bubbly, silly humor is creeping back into this numb brain.
Am I on the way to hypo-mania?? Or is this simply the wonderful balance of meds combined with feeling good about myself for feeling hopeful and inspired?? I do not know the answer yet, but I am sure the truth will come out very soon.
Naughty pills dulling my head. I want to feel SOMETHING… not just the everyday living of life. I want loud ridiculous laughs, my silly mannerisms, ecstatic happy moments, and yes… even those down moods. I just don’t want them in their severity.
Right now I am feeling A-OK and I will continue on this path. It is perfectly fine to hope and dream…and to wish.
If a readjustment is needed, I am not afraid to do so. ♥
“Hello, Hello”?
Echos, the only voice I hear is my own.
“Hello”, “Hello”?, “Who can be the one to save me”?
To save, I say, is a triumph that must come…
from the will of “me”.
“Hello”, “Hello”?, “do you see the devil too,
the darkness that shadows… menacingly invades”?
I see it dear ‘Me”, I say, the devil has no power over you
No matter how easily it can persuade.
“Hello”, “Hello”?, “How do you know? Have the faith
that the devil is a losing entity, losing power”?
Dear me, I say, I know it to be so because of you…
You are emitting light and power…we no longer cower.
© bipolarmuse 2012
It Is What It Is
A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be. ~ Albert Einstein
When I read this quote, it really resonated with me.
My therapist often says “It is what it is”. Which on the flip side means “It’s not what it’s not”. LOL, same thing?
For me, Einstein is saying that I should look for what “is”, what is directly in front of me and accept it…not project what “is” into what I think I want/have/need… etc. He is speaking “mindfulness” perhaps without even realizing it.
I absolutely LOVE mindfulness which is the root of DBT. (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). It is a process of retraining our brains to think in a more positive direction. Our brain is like this committee that likes to spit out opinions, advice, and judgments. What we “think” is not exactly truth. We can “think” that we are worthless, stupid, ugly, unlikable… whatever. Is it TRUE?! NOPE. But the committee can sure convince us of it right? So using DBT/mindfulness, we can get that committee to shut up. How? Well, when my brain starts with that nonsense, I literally tell the “committee” to shut its face. Not aloud if in public because that could cause other unnecessary issues. 
But sincerely, I tell it to shut its face and concentrate for a moment on the “present”. I take note of the silence, maybe the birds outside my window. I take note of my breathing pattern, maybe pay close attention to how my skin feels as it “connects” to a soft blanket. I bring myself to the very second I am in. Then I redirect my thoughts. I choose to think that I am worthy, strong, independent, capable of what I put my mind into, capable of living and thriving, that I am beautiful regardless of how ugly my past mistakes were. I choose to think in a positive light. To be grateful for another day to grow. Lately, I have found tremendous happiness and satisfaction through my blog… feeling that I have offered some hope and inspiration to anyone who stops by to read.
Remember friends… “It is what it is”. If you do not like it, change it. If it cannot be changed, accept it. In practicing this, you will find more peace.
p.s. Getting that “committee” to shut its face will help too. Retrain your thought process!! Not to be done overnight, but it can be done. I have been practicing it now for 9 months and I am now seeing a “noticeable” difference. If I can do it, take faith that you can too. I believe in you. ♥
Related articles
- You: Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder (natashatracy.com)
Blog For Mental Health 2012 Project ~ My life with Bipolar 1 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder ~ And Anxiety
Blog for Mental Health 2012 Project
My blog began as a place to vent, write poetry, and to tell my story. It was actually with a different blog host, under a different name, and I am BLESSED to have changed it to WordPress. My followers are amazing… and it was truly, TRULY a blessing to come here. As I have grown, my blog has reflected more than poetry, mental health, and my story… it is showing my “self” discovery and the hope that is shining inside. This hope I MUST share with others. Life is not always beautiful, but it is a beautiful life.
I am honored to take part in this Mental Health 2012 project. ♥
*This Mental Health Project was created by As The Pendulum Swings, a wonderful woman who suffers from Bipolar Disorder herself and wants to help raise awareness of mental health.*
The badge above is featured on Pendulum’s homepage, and on the homepage of those who take on this challenge, because we are dedicated to continue blogging throughout 2012 for mental health. .. to promote awareness.
So, here are the rules.
1.) Take the pledge by copy and pasting the following into a post featuring “Blog for Mental Health 2012″.
I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2012 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.
2.) Link back to the person who pledged you.
3.) Write a short biography of your mental health, and what this means to you.
My mental health reared its ugly head in my preteen years and has continued to get worse over time. After many years of being in denial, I had to finally accept my diagnosis of Bipolar 1 Disorder as well as a couple co-morbid Disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety. Over the course of my life, I have had many life events that have exaggerated my mental health conditions and have caused me much heartache, as well to those I love. This last year has been a road of self discovery and finally to a place of hope. I have been compliant with medication and have felt better, on a mental level, than I have in many years. Now, as I grow in my healing process, I want to be a beacon of light for others who suffer. When I began my blog, I never thought I would have such a wonderful following of fellow bloggers who find inspiration in what I write. It is my pledge to continue writing about mental health. Knowledge is just the beginning, yet so very important. I also want to share my experiences in hopes that others can gain insight into themselves.
4.) Pledge five others.
I wanted to pledge others but then decided that if anyone with a mental health diagnosis would like to participate, please do. Our stories are important. We can offer insight and hope to anyone out there. Even if you do not feel like you inspire, please know that your daily fight is inspiration in itself. ♥
**Feel free to take the pledge! Promote awareness!**
Related articles
- Mental Health Writers Guild (carlarenee45.wordpress.com)
Oscar Wilde Quote
“A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” ~ Oscar Wilde
Master of thyself. Isn’t that what what many Eastern religions express… Buddha comes to mind. I want to be in control of what I feel, not allow these wretched emotions to rule me. I must separate myself from these false emotions and focus on what I can help. What can I help? My outlook on life, awakening to another blessed day and realizing it is a gift and not a curse.
I know friends… those who suffer with relentless mood disorders, sometimes that is easier said than done. I do TRULY believe it can get better. With proper care and a positive outlook on our day, can we not make our lives a bit brighter each and every day? Even when in a slump, take notice of what you are appreciative of, no matter how simple it is. It is pleasure… and if that small amount of pleasure can get you through another moment, all the better.
Keep a watchful eye. Watch for what triggers your horrendous mood swings, analyze them and see if they are “valid”… if they are, accept them NON-JUDGMENTALLY, and then do not dwell. We have purpose. Every single one of us. Keep that in mind my friends. Nobody goes unnoticed. Grasp what hope you can find and do not let go. Whatever inspires you, indulge in it. Live to your fullest potential. I know that what I say can be hard for some to understand… but take hope. I have hit bottom many times and managed to get back up. My trials have been HUGE… yet I move forward, improving each and every day. If I can do it, undoubtedly you can too.
Love and Light my friends. May you have peace on this day.
♥
Ernest Hemingway Quote
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
So much truth to this wonderful quote from Hemingway, a very troubled man himself.
I feel like a great deal of my writing comes from pain and my poetry is a release from that pain that builds up. My poetry comes from a sad place that has always resided with me. Sadly, melancholy has had a place with me longer than happiness and I have come to a point in my life where a change must take place, and it is a change I am continually working on.
I was once told by a very brilliant woman that I did not suffer from a broken heart, but rather a bleeding heart. Broken could be fixed, bleeding is another matter in itself. I believe her point was that I feel pain with magnified senses. My normal mental pain is similar to what a person goes through when they grieve for a loss. They grieve during times when grief is expected. My grieving is constant.
When I was in therapy, my therapist was speechless over my intense pain. Pain that should have lessened over time but that still hung on to me like it happened two minutes ago. The wounds were always fresh. She told me I was in a constant state of grief. That is when I began learning about mindfulness and skills to help me to keep my emotions in a more acceptable, less painful range.
To my fellow writers, May we continue to sit at our keyboards and “bleed”. I believe it is healing and makes for beautiful works. ♥
Bipolar? Interesting Tidbits…
Here is some information I find disturbing and slightly humorous.
*A marriage where 1 or both individuals have Bipolar disorder is nearly doomed. I say that with a grain for humor… laughter is good medicine. What are the stats for this little tidbit of info?? Nearly 90-95% of marriages, with a Bipolar person involved, end in divorce. That is a HUGE percentage. I can certainly understand why though, as I have made many catastrophic decisions without truly thinking them completely through. In fact, I have made huge decisions on a whim, causing my world to collapse on many occasions.
*ALL of my medications have side affects… some of them downright horrible, most tolerable that disappear after a few weeks, and a few that can give you a heart attack after reading the warning. What is the side affect warning that can bring on this heart attack?? “This medication can cause SUDDEN DEATH“. LOL, Do you know how many panic attacks that this simple phrase causes me? I cannot tell you how many times I have been relaxing, watching a movie, and all of a sudden felt dizzy or “odd” and thought – is this the start of “sudden death”-. Yes friends, I can tell you that happens to me frequently and I say quick silent prayers asking God to “remember me” and “let my children know how much I love them”. Funny and horrible right??
*There are activities that can help your Bipolar disorder. (These are proven true by the medical community and by personally doing these things). One is exercise. Yes, if we can get the motivation to get our butts up and stick to a routine, exercise does wonders for improving the mood. Here is the problem for me: I get addicted. I will work out hours a day, 7 days a week. I almost believe the exercise can make me slightly manic, but hey… better than slightly in the opposite direction. Another is eating healthy. Not sure how or why, but this one does help as well. When I eat better, I feel better. Maybe it does have to do with the “You are what you eat” phrase. It too can be addicting. LOL… but addicted to bean sprouts is better than addicted to peanut butter cups. And lastly I would like to mention this one, which may or may not be proven by the medical world. Recently I was reading a book about mood disorders and the book was written by those who suffered themselves and also by those closest to them. One man was saying that as a mood “boost”, his goal (and his wife said that it did indeed work), was for his wife to orgasm daily. It would help her mood no matter what… if nothing else worked, she could always count on the orgasm. LOL. I find this one highly interesting and of coarse it makes you chuckle a bit doesn’t it?? And I would bet that this one could be addicting too.
Just some food for thought!!
Happy Friday My Friends! ♥
Lets Talk Mood Swings~ and a Quote
“On a bad day I have mood swings- but on a good day, I have the whole mood playground”.
~Charles Rosenblum
I have been reflecting on my blog and looking through my various posts and poems.
I do not know if my faithful followers have noticed, but I can see a significant mood swing simply by my works alone on this blog… but only one. Granted, I am usually pretty fortunate and very in tune with my moods and I can usually spot them from a mile away. This one I didn’t really see. Why? Because it was very gradual.
I believe I started off in a normal mood, and then it gradually escalated to perhaps a “hypo-manic” type, and then cycling (which would explain the crying spells/blues/irritation though I felt overall pretty well), and then a bit of depression. A “normal” depression though because it came after I visited my babies, so that is a normal “grieving” process. Sadly, it has lasted over a week, but I do feel a steady increase in it wearing off. Yesterday was a sad day, but also one to rejoice in. And today I get to shop for discounted Valentine’s items which makes me happy. Here I come knee high socks covered in hearts and my favorite, Ring Pops!
I just noticed the mood swing and wanted to see if anyone else had noticed it a little bit. LOL, or maybe I am off my rocker. Hehe, just a joke. Got to have fun and laugh… it is good for the soul.
As for the quote, I found it hilarious! HAHA, the “whole mood playground”? I am not sure if I would only want the swings or the whole enchilada but nevertheless, I found it funny and thought I would share.
I hope all had a nice Valentine’s Day and showed themselves and others some love… and continue it daily. We deserve that for ourselves… and kindness to others will help us as well. ♥
Negative Thoughts
Negative Thoughts
Negative thoughts, painful memories,
As a screenplay in my mind.
Your invasions are pure trifling…
Perversely abate my precious time.
~
Oh, how I detest, loathe, the waste.
Your treacherous form, your very entity.
Withering my mind, heart, maybe my soul.
Taking invaluable, priceless, pieces of me.
~
Negative trifling thoughts…
I do not allow you to invade me anymore.
My mantra ” This thought is not helping me”.
I believe. Have implanted it, in my very core.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** One thing that I have taken to my core from therapy, which is based on mindfulness, is that negative thoughts can cause us much unneeded grief and pain. We revisit these thoughts all the time but the more we become aware of how often we do, we can actually lessen how often we revert to the negativity. So, my therapist recommended that each time I have a negative thought, to ask myself “How is this thought working for me”, or just say out right, “This though is not helping me”. It truly can help to divert your attention from the thought you are dwelling on. Try it. I know that it is not easy, trust me… I know. Suffering from mood disorders myself…I know the battle that is faced and that training the brain to think differently takes time. I do believe though that it can be done. With practice. Everything takes practice.
Try it. Next time your mind is boggling you down in negativity, take notice, and say, “This thought is not working for me”, then divert your mind to something you are grateful for. With patience and practice, this will become habit.
If it has helped me, it can certainly help you. **
♥ Love and Light my friends.
A Robert Frost Quote
The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
I have always interpreted this quote for myself in relation to my mood disorders. Relating the woods to death, or giving up this good fight as I like to call it…
But the rest of the quote is what inspires me.
” I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep”.
There is such beauty in this quote. I remind myself that I have promises to myself, to those that I hold near and dear, to my beautiful babies, to my Creator. This fight is never in vain. It is worth every struggle, each pain endured, every tear shed.
It is the good fight my friends… and no matter the struggles, just hold onto whatever faith and whatever hope you can find.
Simple words from a friend, a smile, a kind gesture, the beauty and hope that a new day offers, your dreams and goals. Always start small, baby steps, to reach the bigger aspirations.
And do not forget to love yourself, to LEARN how to love yourself. Say to yourself… ” I am worth it “… because you truly are.
♥ Love and Light my friends. May you have peace and beauty in this day.
Teaching Children Mindfulness
As I am here with my children, of coarse it is a memorable, happy, loving experience. They are encompassing me with unconditional love, and the beauty of what life is for me. We cuddle, and I hold them in my arms while they fall asleep. We exchange many “love yous” and “miss yous”, and of coarse they ask me heart wrenching questions that instantly make me cry. Some tears just cannot be held back. Children are the most open of any age group, and bold in their questioning.
From the moment I get to them, their minds jumps forward to when I have to leave. They are very smart and realize, that for the time being, my time with them is limited. So they project to the future and become sad, and anxious, and their tears flow. It is absolutely heartbreaking and I am not able to hold my tears back either. I hold them and remind them that I love them so very much and I miss them every second I am away. I then ask them to please not worry about when I must leave, but to enjoy the moment. The moment we have together right now is the most precious and we do not need to be sad and cry, but to be happy and have a great time together, whether we are simply watching cartoons or playing hide and seek. What we have in this moment is beautiful.
Though it is hard to say these things without a quivering voice and without tears streaming down my face, I must teach them… this moment is what we have… we must enjoy each and every second.
It is difficult, and being with them keeps me on the verge of tears, not willingly, but just as I came to visit… I will have to leave. Heartbreaking but true. I am staying in the moment though I must fight back my grief. I accept it… because it is what it is, for the time being .
I do hope my words touch somewhere in their heart and minds so that they don’t have to suffer unnecessarily… something I am continuously work on.
Love and light my friends…
Mindfulness For Sunday
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ Dalai Lama
This quote truly needs to be taken by heart. How many times have we offered love, compassion, and kindness to friends and loved ones, even at times to strangers in need… offering hope, reminding them that the events they are hurting from will become easier.
Yet we do not take the time to do so for ourselves.
For myself personally, I am my worst enemy. It was brought to my attention that I still retain much guilt over the pain of my past. Past mistakes that, because I was not fully in control of my emotions, has caused me terrible grief. A mourning if you would. A hurting from the pain I have caused to others as well. I continue to inflict this pain upon myself and keep the wounds open, not allowing full healing to take place.
Friends, this love and compassion, yes it must be extended to others. It gives a great feeling within to do so… brings a peace and an enlightenment. Yet, we must also water our own souls with this same loving kindness and compassion. We must forgive ourselves. How that is done, I am not sure. I do believe acceptance is the key, and a lesson I am learning the hard way.
I have hurt myself the most by my past. Others have already moved forward and accepted it, but perhaps never forgetting, the terrible pain I have caused. I must move forward and do the same. I must love me. In doing so, I will open my heart and learn to fully love others.
I am, as I have mentioned before… a work in progress.
I will do it, I have faith.
© bipolarmuse 2012
What NOT to say to PDoc
Those of you who have been following what I write for a little while now know that I have a sense of humor…especially regarding my mental disorders.
* I was having a normal visit with my PDoc (Psychiatrist), who I love because she is very down to earth, has a sense of humor, and truly wants to help. It was at the end of our visit and she was going through the normal set of questions she has to ask at every appointment:
PDoc- Are you suicidal?
Me- Nah.
PDoc- Are you homicidal?
Me- Laughs a sincere belly laugh as I shake my head.
The PDoc stops dead in her tracks and looks at me. She was very serious looking, then the following comment was said:
PDoc- bipolarmuse, you can NOT do the evil laugh when I ask you if you are homicidal.
Me- I laugh and tell her, “that is also what my boyfriend says”. * LOL
I certainly hope she did not take me serious, as of coarse, I am not homicidal. Given the banter between us during most visits, it was a nice break in our visit as we normally accomplish. In another post, I will give another example of her hilarious attitude on life. She is a perfect PDoc fit for me, which does not happen often. I will mention that she is a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, which I absolutely love. My current regular Doc is also a Nurse Practitioner. I must say that I truly have better experiences with them than a regular Physician. They seem to have more time to go over things with you and seem a little more interested in you as a person. I know that certainly is not always the case, but in my experience, it has been a great pairing for me.
** DISCLAIMER**
I am not homicidal. Not at all.
© bipolarmuse 2012
My Personal Experience with Psychosis
I, luckily, have experienced Psychosis only twice in my life.
Some people see little green men and TRULY believe there are little green men standing there. My experience was nothing of the sort and I want to share it with you.
After my son was abused and I was in a seriously bad mental state (manic, not sleeping, depressed beyond expression, losing tons of weight…down to 100lbs, homicidal thoughts, you name it… I was not doing well at all).
I came home from work one night to find nobody home. They house was completely empty and I decided to take a bath to try to relax and relieve stress. After I ran the water and was soaking in the hot water trying to clear my mind, I heard (loudly like I was there) a circus taking place. I could hear the horns of clown cars and the crunching of popcorn as people chewed, I heard people shuffling to their seats and the sounds of elephants and circus music. I heard these sounds so distinctly I could completely envision the scene. I knew this couldn’t be real of coarse, because the house was not big enough to hold a circus. LOL. So I figured someone was home and watching a movie with surround sound on. I wrapped in a towel and decided to open the bathroom door, I guess to reassure myself, or say hi to my oldest children. I opened the door and the house was completely dark, nobody was there and it was so silent I could hear my own breathing. I climbed back into my bath, a little baffled and disturbed, and as soon as I rested my head, the sounds and images came back. It literally was like there was a circus taking place outside my bathroom door, in the itty bitty hallway. Every sound was crystal clear in my head. However, I knew this could not be occurring and that my mind was busy making crap up.
The second incident happened one night when I got off of work and was scrambling for my keys to unlock the front door. Just as I put the key in, I could hear and see a 50′s-60′s bar scene from the movies. Ladies in flapper style dresses, men in suits, bright red lipstick, music in the background. I could smell perfume, cologne, alcohol, mustiness. There was a piano man, the ladies had cute accents and were witty and smart-mouthed, the men equally so. I realized that this too was not real so I opened the door, convinced that somebody was home, again watching a movie. I opened the door to blackness and silence. Everyone was already in bed as it was a school/work night.
Of coarse I shared this information with my P-Doc and therapist and they both informed my that I was in Psychosis. The definition of Psychosis is: fundamental derangement of the mind (as in schizophrenia) characterized by defective or lost contact with reality especially as evidenced by delusions, hallucinations, and disorganized speech and behavior.
Now, I have never been diagnoses with schizophrenia, but under extreme fatigue and mental distress, anyone can go into psychosis (scary isn’t it). That is why sleep is so very important, and the control of stress in our lives. I am lucky because I knew the scenarios were not real. Imagine the poor souls who think what they are experiencing is truly real and happening. They have no idea that it is separate from real life.
I was blessed because those are the only episodes I have ever had. The doctors chalked it up to extreme emotional stress, fatigue, and mania. That is why I work on controlling these issues, though I do wish I could ride a “small roller-coaster” from time to time.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Lets Talk Suicide
If you or someone you love/know is in crisis please contact 1-800-273-TALK for help or 911. The talk line is open 24/7.
For more information please visit the National Institute of Mental Health
Risk Factors
- prior suicide attempt
- family history of mental disorder or substance abuse
- family history of suicide
- family violence, including physical or sexual abuse
- firearms in the home,3 the method used in more than half of suicides
- incarceration
- exposure to the suicidal behavior of others, such as family members, peers, or media figures.
I would like to take a moment to speak about suicide and the link to mental disorders. Of coarse, not all people who choose to die at their own hand are mentally ill, yet many with Bipolar disorder and Schizophrenia are at increased risk.
Just a few facts :from NIMH
There’s an estimated 10-25 suicide attempts for every completed suicide. (Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison)
Women are three times more likely to attempt than men. American men are four times more likely to actually kill themselves.
Women usually use medications as a route to suicide while men chose violent means (for example, firearms, hangings).
Those who attempt suicide, 10-15% will eventually die by their own hand.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death in young people and second leading cause of death for college students.
Suicide is more common in writers, artists, scientists, and business men.
The percentage of a person committing suicide increases drastically when someone they know or love has committed suicide. (It is deemed contagious and becomes a “possibility” where it wasn’t before).
The percentage of elderly people killing themselves is increasing.
95% of those who attempt or succeed at killing themselves have mood disorders.
As is said: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
We as a society should be doing everything to prevent suicide, offer education, don’t allow the stigma to keep you from talking, bring awareness.
Suicide is preventable. Sadly, many who attempt never gave any indication of what they were planning. Leaving “notes” for loved ones is not very common. There is a horrid stigmas associated with suicide -which disgusts me. People make horrible comments about the person going to hell and at one time they didn’t allow those who committed suicide to be buried within cemeteries. They were cast out and looked down upon.
For myself, suicide is a personal issue. I have known and loved 3 people who chose to end their life. One in particular was very devastating and took me many years to overcome the pain associated with those left behind.
I believe that those who commit or attempt suicide should be looked upon with compassion. My friends, a healthy brain wants to live forever, a sick brain wants escape. Imagine the inner turmoil and desperation one feels if they think suicide is the only option.
I can’t begin to explain what mood disorders do to you… you have to experience it yourself to understand. Your brain can literally kill you by placing inappropriate thoughts into your mind. For example: people will think their families will be better off without them, that they are tired of disappointing those around them, they are a failure, and so on. Sometimes financial struggles contribute, or physical ailments. Whatever the faulty thinking, suicide should not be the answer. Though I can certainly sympathize with those who are mentally and physically drained… who make that deadly choice.
My favorite book on the subject is Night Falls Fast. It is very informative and it describes the Authors own battle with Bipolar disorder and an attempt she herself survived from.
With Equal Fervor
With equal fervor, you both blind me…
One with darkness and the other with light.
You both flaunt the talent to empower me…
One kicks me down,
The other makes me soar oh-so-high.
With equal fervor, you both bring me harm…
One removes all hope, The other entices me with moon beams and starlight.
You both need each other to succeed…
The high needs the low, the low needs the high.
With equal fervor, you are a drug…
One brings Doom and Gloom, The other Fire and Desires so bright.
You both are a burden,
One weighs heavily, The other a “hell” hidden behind enticing bright lights.
With equal fervor, you’re both monsters…
in your own rite.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Who Am I?
~~It’s so heavy, a heavy price to pay…. Your Silence~~ Matisyahu
Ahhhhhh, sleep eludes me tonight. It is so quiet, yet my head is screaming. Just a slight headache and thoughts rushing through my mind. I try to focus and stay present and my mind refuses. I even try to pray, and my brain thinks it is time to run a million miles a minute so my attention span is zilch.
So what do I do?? Throw on some headphones, jump on here and decide to write. Please forgive me if this seems to be all over the place and not a more structured post. I was visiting a fellow bloggers page (missassist), and the topic was Bipolar Disorder, Your Identity, and The Space in Between. It really made me ponder over my own mood dysfunctions and all the medications I must rely on to feel somewhat “ok”, though I would not say that this is what feeling “normal” is… and if it is, I say No Thank You. I will take crazy over this.
The post was intriguing… mentioning attributes and characteristics that described her before her diagnosis… please read to get a better understanding at missassist . And it got me thinking as well…. who the hell am I now? I use to describe myself as funny, spontaneous, that I never think before I act, adventurous, “always happy”, toyed with danger, loved learning new things, moody, irritable, but always with “a smile on my face”. Then there was the other side that was for my eyes only: crying myself to sleep, or not sleeping at all, writing sad dark poetry or journal entries, a flirty love affair with the idea of suicide, only leaving the house if I absolutely had to, sleeping at a friends home out of fear of being alone with my thoughts, risky actions and behaviors, learning a bit about addiction and the need to dull my pain… paranoia. And all the while I had the front that I was perfectly fine and strong, but I was CRUMBLING on the inside.
As was pointed out by missassist, these are symptoms of mood disorders such as Bipolar Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. So if these are symptoms… who the fuck am I??
How many times do you have to make catastrophic choices… how many poor decisions? How many times do you have to fall flat on your face, scrape yourself up only to begin again, and this time not fail, before you go from “not having your shit together” to having a Mental Disorder??
I have been fighting this horrid disorder for quite some time now (maybe it is time to surrender?) that I truly have no idea who I am. Nearly 12 years of progressing hell. I have shape-shifted into a chameleon and mold myself around who I am surrounded by. Why?? I put up a huge front. WHY?? I am on a mission to figure out my true self. On meds I feel dull… empty… a fraction of the “full of life” person I once knew. Off meds I feel EVERYTHING to the extreme. But I feel alive. Like this, I feel like I am only surviving. Surviving is not enough.
Sometimes I feel “normal” yet it feels so mundane. I feel like I have lost my fire. Yet I know… medication keeps me from losing all hope… and staying alive.
Am I happy with who I am?? No. But Yes. I have to figure out how to live for myself, not only for my children.
But Thank God for those 4, because they keep my feet planted on the ground. They are the beat to my heart. I will never give up… for them.
And I demand my fire back.
Related articles
- Bipolar Disorder vs. Borderline Personality Disorder (everydayhealth.com)
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
