Borderline Personality Disorder
- Cover of Full Catastrophe Living
Mindfulness originates in Buddhism, Buddha himself said: “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” Read more: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/b/buddha.html#ixzz1iO2bYLwv
Where am I going with this?? I am going to tell you a little about DBT ( Dialectical Behavioral Therapy ). This type of therapy uses mindfulness to help you control your emotions… as people with mood disorders have a difficult time regulating their emotions and keeping them within healthy boundaries.
Mindfulness is paying attention, in a positive way, on purpose, non-judgmentally. It is a way to be in the moment effictively, without letting it overtake you. ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn
For example: Always looking to the past can cause serious depression. We all have “coulda, woulda, shoulda’s” and it is impossible to go back in time to fix things with your present time 20/20 vision. So, when you are looking back you are inflicting mental torment on yourself that you can do nothing about. The past can be a great learning tool, but only use it as such. Being mindful, every time your brain takes you to the past, to a hurtful memory, accept it non-judgmentally, maybe cry a little if you need to, but redirect your mind to the present moment.
Looking to the future can cause anxiety because you are always saying “what if”. The future is not the here and now, only the present moment is. And if your present moment is causing you distress you can either change it or accept it. You will find that by accepting it, if it can not be changed, you become less worried and anxious.
Maybe you say to yourself: “I made poor decisions in my past”. But you have to remind yourself that you never chose to make a poor decision, you made decisions and choices based on all of your experiences up to that specific point in time: We make the best choice possible based on our experiences up to that moment in time.
Here is a personal example. My son was abused by a horrible man, beaten by this horrible man. Some days it just kills me because the thoughts just come flooding over me. As I type this, I cry. Practicing mindfulness, I am getting better at redirecting my thoughts. When I think of my sons abuse, I acknowledge the anger, sadness, and various emotions that take me hostage…and WITHOUT JUDGMENT. After I do that, if I cannot take my mind off of it, I redirect me thoughts to my “gratitude” list: my children are healthy and happy. My family has been very supportive. My home has been created with someone I love. I am loved. I am getting better everyday. My children are the beacon in the darkness. – just a few examples. If I STILL cannot take my mind off of it, I become active and do things I enjoy. Perhaps go for a walk and try to be mindful and take in the beauty of our planet, read a good book, blog, crochet, make candles (when I have the resources, lol), and I use to exercise often, which I need to begin again because it is a great way to stay healthy mentally and physically. You get the idea here.
Mindfulness does not work overnight. It is something that must be practiced daily… and allow it time to work.
Some great books on mindfulness: The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle, Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Mindfulness for dummies.
There is allot of online material about mindfulness. Some sites offer Mindfulness self help, others are scholarly articles. If you do research you will find many resources that can help you. And I find great books at the library, so you definitely do not have to spend money to start practicing.
Hope this post is helpful. I find that practicing mindfulness can be life altering… but it is not overnight. It has helped me tremendously but I have not reached my full potential, I am still healing.
I also want to state that though mindfulness is the practice of Buddhism and other religions, it is nondenominational. It is not affiliated with any one religion.
May peace by with you all…
January 3, 2012 | Categories: Advice, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Inspiration, Manic/ Mania, Mindfulness | Tags: Bipolar, Bipolar 1 disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Buddha, DBT Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Depression, Eckhart Tolle, Jon Kabat-Zinn, mindfulness | 3 Comments »
Emancipate yourself from mental slavery
None but ourselves can free our minds. ~ Bob Marley
What is “freedom from our minds”?
We are truly enslaved by our minds, especially those of us with mood disorders. It is not easy to fluctuate from one mood to another, especially when you can not figure out what triggered the change.
Some people do not believe in medication, some not in therapy. For myself, it is a life and death matter, so I choose wisely.
Yes I take medication, and yes, therapy has helped tremendously. One self help book- if you would call it such- was a true eye opener for me. “The Power Of Now” by Eckhart Tolle began my journey into recognizing my TRUE SELF. I can confidently say I have not found her… yet. I am a work in progress and may always be for my entire life. But each day is an opportunity to change myself, and to continue learning, to continue to grow in love, to getting closer to my children, to learn to love myself, to become ME.
I have often proclaimed that I am not meant for this world.
I miss being a small child, one who doesn’t have much capacity to realize the cruelty the world can dish out…the cruelty we inflict upon ourselves. I watch my own children and wish for the simplicity of laughing and loving… playing make-believe… happy as can be sliding down slides… playing in snow… just running around in the backyard playing tag. I have lost that child in me. Sometimes I step back from myself and ask ” If a good friend were here right now giving me advice, how much love and hope would they release upon me”? Good friends give kind words, lift you up. They are much kinder than we are to ourselves.
That is the friend I need to be to myself, that I will be.
© bipolarmuse 2011
December 30, 2011 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Quotes | Tags: Bipolar, Bob Marley, Borderline Personality Disorder, Eckhart Tolle, Journal, Memoir, Mood disorder, The Power of Now | 7 Comments »
Many People are not aware of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), so here are some fun facts from a quoted source. I say “fun” because I have to make light of life and throw humor in wherever possible. My mental struggles are nothing to laugh about, but if I am the one laughing, join in! Laughter is good for the soul.
Over the years, I have known that I suffered and was diagnosed with Depression, and Bipolar Disorder (which from here on out I will refer to Manic Depression), but Borderline Personality Disorder was new to me. A couple years ago it had been mentioned in therapy but nothing ever came of it. Then, during this past summer, it was added to my list of brain malfunctions. HAHAHA. I didn’t care one bit. I like to think of myself as a piece of art… always a work in progress… so I don’t mind the extra work needed to mold me into who I wish to be. We are all striving to find who we are… and we are all working on the person we want to be, that we KNOW we can be, and the person we WILL become with due diligence. And I believe that goes for everyone, mood disorders or not.
I have the privilege of knowing several men that have severe forms of Autism, Mental Retardation, and Schizophrenia. These men are in their 50′s and 60′s, and they are constantly working on who they are to this day. They amaze me each time I get to visit with them. They are not stagnant, they continually learn social skills, motor skills, and they have special talents unique to themselves. They humble me, put my life into perspective.
And so I embrace my mood disorders. They will help me become great. They will help mold me into the Mom I know I will be, the Wife I know I will be, the very person I STRIVE to be daily.
Borderline personality disorder – PubMed Health.
Borderline personality disorder
Personality disorder – borderline
Last reviewed: November 15, 2010.
“Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.
These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.
Causes, incidence, and risk factors
The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles.
Risk factors for BPD include:
- Abandonment in childhood or adolescence
- Disrupted family life
- Poor communication in the family
- Sexual abuse
This personality disorder tends to occur more often in women and among hospitalized psychiatric patients.
Symptoms
People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.
People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.
Other symptoms of BPD include:
- Fear of being abandoned
- Feelings of emptiness and boredom
- Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
- Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
- Intolerance of being alone
- Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing
Signs and tests
Like other personality disorders, BPD is diagnosed based on a psychological evaluation and the history and severity of the symptoms.
Treatment
Many types of individual talk therapy, such as dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), can successfully treat BPD. In addition, group therapy can help change self-destructive behaviors.
In some cases, medications can help level mood swings and treat depression or other disorders that may occur with this condition.
Expectations (prognosis)
The outlook depends on how severe the condition is and whether the person is willing to accept help. With long-term talk therapy, the person will often gradually improve.
Calling your health care provider
Call your health care provider if you or your child has symptoms of borderline personality disorder. It is especially important to seek help right away if you or your child is having thoughts of suicide.”
References
- Blais MA, Smallwood P, Groves JE, Rivas-Vazquez RA. Personality and personality disorders. In: Stern TA, Rosenbaum JF, Fava M, Biederman J, Rauch SL, eds. Massachusetts General Hospital Comprehensive Clinical Psychiatry. 1st ed. Philadelphia, Pa: Mosby Elsevier;2008:chap 39.
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Review Date: 11/15/2010.
Reviewed by: Linda Vorvick, MD, Medical Director, MEDEX Northwest Division of Physician Assistant Studies, University of Washington School of Medicine; and David B. Merrill, MD, Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Department of Psychiatry, Columbia University Medical Center, New York, NY. Also reviewed by David Zieve, MD, MHA, Medical Director,
December 27, 2011 | Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder | Tags: Bipolar 1 disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Journal, Memoir | 10 Comments »
I believe regret to be…
a feeling, a memory
a reminder…
of Life welling in me.
I have been doing a tremendous amount of self reflection. When was it that I became “broke”? Was it as a child?? Knowing my father was abusing my Mom… beating her? Beating our pets? Or when I was abused by strangers? Or maybe at birth… perhaps born so amazingly perfect and broken?
Perhaps they all play a factor.
I have no clue.
Distance envelops me…
They can all get fucked… just stay true to you. ~Marshal Mathers
August 1, 2011 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolarmuse ♥, Borderline Personality Disorder, Poetry | Tags: Journal, Marshal Marthers, Poem, Poems, Poetry | Leave A Comment »
As I lay my head on the pillow…
Heart racing, I feel on fire.
Not even a pill can help now…
though I try. Lunesta, Ambien, Xanax.
No relief from this terror.
I hear every ones advice “try to relax”.
My throat is closing in on me…
I feel my heart thud, pause, double thud.
Faster it pumps. Terrifying.
I try hard and close my eyes.
Please, PLEASE, sleep envelop me.
Devastating thoughts crowd my mind,
I am all alone with 2 babies…
What if I die in the night?
WHO would know,
They’d be crying, scared, in need…
How long until a friend would show?
I would slip into light sleep,
but my heart would skip,
and gasping for air…
awaken me.
Nightly this was my reality.
I believe it to be a breakdown.
My brain dishing out cruelty.
Yes, unrealistic fears I’m aware.
But when you live it ,breathe it,
its real… I lived in constant fear.
And when it should have disappeared..
it didn’t.
And that’s why I am currently right here.
That breakdown I still live…
I can see clearly what it was:
The Beginning of The End
© bipolar 2010
August 11, 2010 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Poetry | Tags: Bipolar 1 disorder, Journal, Memoir, Poetry | Leave A Comment »
I can’t even begin to explain
this inner turmoil, this excruciating pain,
the intensity of my building
rage.
I inhale, my lungs fill with air.
A painful pleasure, reminder, can’t scream
“This isn’t fair”.
Just one more day of being
Here.
And you haven’t even a clue
my painful existence, what I suffer
through.
Don’t play judge, I wouldn’t dare
You.
Every day, full of sadness and fears.
I cry in silence, falling tears.
Hard even for angels in heaven to
Hear.
Crash my head through the window.
A knife in my heart. That hurt cant compare
tho.
I’ll take their smiles any day in exchange for my
sorrow.
I challenge you to be me.
Couldn’t handle 30 seconds before beggin
to be free.
And yet, I am capable to continue to choose
Me.
Watch me soar, attempt to excel.
May take a couple more times,
my face to the concrete.
Fail.
I’ll set myself on fire,
set me ablaze and move forward.
Inspire
A life worthy of them, A Fight to
Admire
© bipolarmuse 2010
August 7, 2010 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Poetry | Tags: Bipolar, Bipolar 1 disorder, Journal, Journaling, Memoir, Poem, Poems | Leave A Comment »
Madness reigns again.
Fingertips across my scalp razor-blade sharp.
I seek sleep yet it eludes me once more.
Such intensity this world I dwell….
Have you ever touched and truly FELT?
My hands shake
My bones rattle
My eyes can’t rest
Electricity flows from my fingertips to my toes… racing up and down my spine.
I FEEL it. I know it’s there, this energy, because I feel it at my core… on the surface. Racing. Chasing. Tracing.
Eliciting horripilation.
Why do I dare be so bold and share my world?
I have nothing to fear anymore.
When everything is stripped from you and leaves you bare and broken, what more can be lost?
Perhaps this is my Karma?
June 7, 2010 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolarmuse ♥, Borderline Personality Disorder, Manic/ Mania | Tags: Bipolar, Bipolar 1, Bipolar 1 disorder, Journal, Journaling, Manic/ Mania, Memoir, Poems, Poetry | 1 Comment »
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This is one of my favorite books about manic depressive illness. In fact, I would say Kay Redfield Jamison is one of my favorite authors. “Touched With Fire” and “Night Falls Fast” are both amazing reads as well.
She touches so well on the circus in my head I described earlier… the sensory explosion that happens to me during a manic stage. Reading her describe similar experiences makes me cry. Why?? Because I am not alone in a world like this.
There is no way to describe to someone what it is like to feel so cold that it feels like fire, or be surrounded by lights that are so bright everything around seems surreal. There’s no way to describe how loud a chirping bird sounds or how strong and fragrant fresh cut grass can seem. There’s no way to explain the sound and feel of the earth beneath my feet as I walk.
Nor is there a way to explain what it’s like when all those experiences are absent… as in a state of depression. Depression is the monster on my back. It steals everything from me and leaves me with absolutely nothing. It leaves me with pain… sickness… indifference… and my most hated phrase: “All I know is I don’t know”. When depressed, a walk in the park is absent of everything pleasant. I can’t hear children laughing or playing, I can’t smell the BBQ cooking, I can’t hear birds chirping or dogs playing, I can’t feel the breeze or the warmth of the sun, I can’t see people smiling and enjoying themselves, and worst of all… I feel devoid of life in general. It’s painful and a bit torturous. When I am depressed it takes all my strength to leave the house and do anything… especially socialize. It is brutal. I have fought with these feelings since I was 11 yrs old… and 24 yrs later I am still figuring it out… trying to tame this beast. It can be done. I WILL do it.
Watch me.
© bipolarmuse 2010
- Bipolar Disorder (education.com)
April 28, 2010 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolarmuse ♥, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Manic/ Mania | Tags: An Unquiet Mind, Bipolar disorder, Bipolarmuse ♥, Journal, Journaling, Kay Redfield Jamison, Manic-Depressive Illness: Bipolar Disorders and Recurrent Depression 2nd Edition, Memoir, Mental health, Mood, Poem, Poems, Poetry | 6 Comments »
“Success isn’t a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.” Arnold H. Glasow
I want to live by this philosophy!
How many times will I allow myself to be burned by not following through and completing something. I set goals, perhaps too many, and make them completely unattainable. Would that just be part of who I am?? As a child, I wanted to be rich and famous… how attainable is that?
My Father too was unable to complete anything. He couldn’t be what he needed for me and my Sister. A complete asshole by my definition, yet I still struggle and miss him. I still love him and long for him… though it can never be.
Sadly he died 6 years ago. Every option of knowing him, forgiving him, telling him “I love you” was removed from me. I desperately would love for him to know that I have grown and learned and that I no longer hate him…. never did. I have learned the important lesson of loving without the expectation of anything being returned.
I love you Dad… and I hope you fell into eternal sleep with peace and sweet dreams of Star and me. ♥
April 25, 2010 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolarmuse ♥, Borderline Personality Disorder, Quotes | Tags: Arnold H. Glasow, Bipolar, Bipolar 1, Bipolar 1 disorder, Bipolarmuse ♥, Borderline Personality Disorder, Journal, Journaling, Memoir, Poem, Poems, Poetry | Leave A Comment »
MY life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me,
So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell. ~ Emily Dickinson
Oh how this poem resonates within my very core… my Being. Twice I feel I have failed my children. All I want, crave, and need, is to be the very best person I can be for myself so that I may be the very best Mother I can… for them. Isn’t that what it’s all about?? Keeping them safe, healthy, and having their best interest at heart? Sometimes it is difficult to know when I am being selfish and to know when to let go of that which I have no control. I can control me though. And fix me… for me. For them.
April 24, 2010 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolarmuse ♥, Borderline Personality Disorder, Poetry | Tags: Bipolar 1 disorder, Emily Dickinson, Journal, Journaling, Memoir, Poem, Poems, Poetry | Leave A Comment »
How in the world did I get to where I am?? Living at my 1st ex-husbands…paying rent…sleeping on a couch (though it’s now upgraded to a bunk bed that I share with my daughter. And of which I am eternally grateful for)… taking 5 different medications for depression, anxiety, and manic depression? Ok, maybe not that many, but you get the drift.
And sadly, that’s not the worst part. The absolute worst is that I am not residing with my 2 smallest children. A man physically abused my son… which caused the hell on earth events that have turned my life in every direction besides the one I would like to be in. Yes, my son is safe and healthy and ALL my children are doing amazing. Is that enough?? Should be. But hell no. I want the fuckhole who abused my son to pay for his crime. I hope he finds Jesus because if I ever see him… it will take all my strength to walk away and allow the Universe to do what it will to him.
Is there anything wrong in wanting justice for my son?? Absolutely not. There would be something terribly wrong if I took a crowbar to the – monster of a man child abusers head – after stumbling upon him one evening… but I tend to not wander, and for good reason.
April 23, 2010 | Categories: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolarmuse ♥, Borderline Personality Disorder | Tags: Bipolar, Bipolar 1, Bipolar 1 disorder, child abuse, Journal, Journaling, Memoir | Leave A Comment »
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
