Bipolar? Interesting Tidbits…
Here is some information I find disturbing and slightly humorous. 
*A marriage where 1 or both individuals have Bipolar disorder is nearly doomed. I say that with a grain for humor… laughter is good medicine. What are the stats for this little tidbit of info?? Nearly 90-95% of marriages, with a Bipolar person involved, end in divorce. That is a HUGE percentage. I can certainly understand why though, as I have made many catastrophic decisions without truly thinking them completely through. In fact, I have made huge decisions on a whim, causing my world to collapse on many occasions.
*ALL of my medications have side affects… some of them downright horrible, most tolerable that disappear after a few weeks, and a few that can give you a heart attack after reading the warning. What is the side affect warning that can bring on this heart attack?? “This medication can cause SUDDEN DEATH“. LOL, Do you know how many panic attacks that this simple phrase causes me? I cannot tell you how many times I have been relaxing, watching a movie, and all of a sudden felt dizzy or “odd” and thought – is this the start of “sudden death”-. Yes friends, I can tell you that happens to me frequently and I say quick silent prayers asking God to “remember me” and “let my children know how much I love them”. Funny and horrible right??
*There are activities that can help your Bipolar disorder. (These are proven true by the medical community and by personally doing these things). One is exercise. Yes, if we can get the motivation to get our butts up and stick to a routine, exercise does wonders for improving the mood. Here is the problem for me: I get addicted. I will work out hours a day, 7 days a week. I almost believe the exercise can make me slightly manic, but hey… better than slightly in the opposite direction. Another is eating healthy. Not sure how or why, but this one does help as well. When I eat better, I feel better. Maybe it does have to do with the “You are what you eat” phrase. It too can be addicting. LOL… but addicted to bean sprouts is better than addicted to peanut butter cups. And lastly I would like to mention this one, which may or may not be proven by the medical world. Recently I was reading a book about mood disorders and the book was written by those who suffered themselves and also by those closest to them. One man was saying that as a mood “boost”, his goal (and his wife said that it did indeed work), was for his wife to orgasm daily. It would help her mood no matter what… if nothing else worked, she could always count on the orgasm. LOL. I find this one highly interesting and of coarse it makes you chuckle a bit doesn’t it?? And I would bet that this one could be addicting too.
Just some food for thought!!
Happy Friday My Friends! ♥
A Year Ago
A Year Ago
Lost, lonely, confused and dazed.
Sad, frightened, drinking during the day.
The hours, minutes, seconds on the clock,
Meant nothing. Just an annoying “tick tock”.
Living each night, hooting with the owls.
Days just as easy, drowning time in alcohol.
Losing sight of goals lined up, goal defined…
During a very distressed, manic state of mind.
Surely to not succeed, to tall and high, those dreams.
Created from just a fraction of the one I call “me”.
Sorrow and Failure enveloped me. Wicked tools.
The devil brandishes them, just wicked fools.
But they plant seeds and plot my destruction,
Barely a fight in me, other than to follow instructions.
I know I am not destined to leave in this way,
I reach out to those, who won’t give up for me, not today.
I prayed for my babies to light the road, the right path.
Sacrifices were made. Though most made me more sad.
I had to fight, giving up was not an option for me…
Fight for them, fight for me. No other way to be.
I cried all hours of the day, and at night I could pretend…
Life was amazing, full of purpose, just Grand.
I crash and burned each and every day.
Was never sure how long I could endure the pain.
Endless phone calls, desperation… all I could do was cry.
Slept on the couch of a dear friend, when I feared for my life.
A year ago, sadly this was the tale of me.
One year later, though not healed, I am much more complete.
Sadness, an old friend, can still reign.
But now, in this loving place, happiness has a place.
♥
© bipolarmuse 2012
Lets Talk Mood Swings~ and a Quote
“On a bad day I have mood swings- but on a good day, I have the whole mood playground”.
~Charles Rosenblum
I have been reflecting on my blog and looking through my various posts and poems.
I do not know if my faithful followers have noticed, but I can see a significant mood swing simply by my works alone on this blog… but only one. Granted, I am usually pretty fortunate and very in tune with my moods and I can usually spot them from a mile away. This one I didn’t really see. Why? Because it was very gradual.
I believe I started off in a normal mood, and then it gradually escalated to perhaps a “hypo-manic” type, and then cycling (which would explain the crying spells/blues/irritation though I felt overall pretty well), and then a bit of depression. A “normal” depression though because it came after I visited my babies, so that is a normal “grieving” process. Sadly, it has lasted over a week, but I do feel a steady increase in it wearing off. Yesterday was a sad day, but also one to rejoice in. And today I get to shop for discounted Valentine’s items which makes me happy. Here I come knee high socks covered in hearts and my favorite, Ring Pops!
I just noticed the mood swing and wanted to see if anyone else had noticed it a little bit. LOL, or maybe I am off my rocker. Hehe, just a joke. Got to have fun and laugh… it is good for the soul.
As for the quote, I found it hilarious! HAHA, the “whole mood playground”? I am not sure if I would only want the swings or the whole enchilada but nevertheless, I found it funny and thought I would share.
I hope all had a nice Valentine’s Day and showed themselves and others some love… and continue it daily. We deserve that for ourselves… and kindness to others will help us as well. ♥
My Special Gift
Bittersweet, I just held you in my arms.
Every second of each day, I enjoyed your touch.
So full of fun, and playfully sassy,
Exploding with magical charm.
To turn and leave, unwillingly, my collapsing
Heart ached so very much.
~
Lets press rewind, just for a moment.
Four years ago, it was just you and me.
A room devoid of a friendly face.
A menacing shortcoming, a mental torment.
You were basked in a heavenly glow…
I gave birth to you, my angel. So heavenly.
~
Now, this agony, I cannot be with you, this day.
I would sacrifice… give my very all.
For every precious moment… prayers answered.
For less tears. Love. Our peace. Each day.
Happy Birthday my baby girl, my valentines gift.
Every year, again and again, In love with you, I fall.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** My youngest baby girl was born this day 4 years ago. My personal Valentines gift. Sadly I was alone when I gave birth to her. A bitterness I am working on, for I know it was not her Fathers fault… he was serving our country. This was a moment I showed great courage facing her birth alone. But I had loving offers from family and friends to be there with me. I refused this loving kindness… and in a way, it was what helped me unravel. My strength is also my shortcoming. I can be strong to a fault because I will not let others in to help me. I just returned from a trip where I spent several days with her and her brother, it doesn’t lessen the pain of not being there today. I know I will be asked by her why I cannot be there, and I will cry.
But this is a beautiful day. To celebrate her life and the beautiful gift she is to me. And the beautiful gifts all my children are to me.**
Happy Valentines… may today be peaceful and gentle on you all. ♥
Negative Thoughts
Negative Thoughts
Negative thoughts, painful memories,
As a screenplay in my mind.
Your invasions are pure trifling…
Perversely abate my precious time.
~
Oh, how I detest, loathe, the waste.
Your treacherous form, your very entity.
Withering my mind, heart, maybe my soul.
Taking invaluable, priceless, pieces of me.
~
Negative trifling thoughts…
I do not allow you to invade me anymore.
My mantra ” This thought is not helping me”.
I believe. Have implanted it, in my very core.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** One thing that I have taken to my core from therapy, which is based on mindfulness, is that negative thoughts can cause us much unneeded grief and pain. We revisit these thoughts all the time but the more we become aware of how often we do, we can actually lessen how often we revert to the negativity. So, my therapist recommended that each time I have a negative thought, to ask myself “How is this thought working for me”, or just say out right, “This though is not helping me”. It truly can help to divert your attention from the thought you are dwelling on. Try it. I know that it is not easy, trust me… I know. Suffering from mood disorders myself…I know the battle that is faced and that training the brain to think differently takes time. I do believe though that it can be done. With practice. Everything takes practice.
Try it. Next time your mind is boggling you down in negativity, take notice, and say, “This thought is not working for me”, then divert your mind to something you are grateful for. With patience and practice, this will become habit.
If it has helped me, it can certainly help you. **
♥ Love and Light my friends.
A Robert Frost Quote
The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
I have always interpreted this quote for myself in relation to my mood disorders. Relating the woods to death, or giving up this good fight as I like to call it…
But the rest of the quote is what inspires me.
” I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep”.
There is such beauty in this quote. I remind myself that I have promises to myself, to those that I hold near and dear, to my beautiful babies, to my Creator. This fight is never in vain. It is worth every struggle, each pain endured, every tear shed.
It is the good fight my friends… and no matter the struggles, just hold onto whatever faith and whatever hope you can find.
Simple words from a friend, a smile, a kind gesture, the beauty and hope that a new day offers, your dreams and goals. Always start small, baby steps, to reach the bigger aspirations.
And do not forget to love yourself, to LEARN how to love yourself. Say to yourself… ” I am worth it “… because you truly are.
♥ Love and Light my friends. May you have peace and beauty in this day.
I am Learning Still
I am Learning Still.
” Oh my son, Look at what I’ve done.
But I am learning still, learning still,
Know that I am learning still. ” Missy Higgins
~When I was visiting my smallest children this past week… my son (who is six) was asking the difficult questions that parents often face. I wish they were easy questions, like why is the sky blue? Or, why do birds fly south for the winter?
Oh, no. His questions were about broken hearts, and why I hurt his Dad… and why I moved him to a new place where he was hurt ( he was abused by a despicable person ). All I could do was cry, and apologize over and over, for I know he hurts so.~
**My dear son,
Some things just cannot be answered.
I would have readily taken your place,
Taken the abuse, hurt, pain.
I just pray you do not question my love…
**
For you,
I would take away your painful memories.
I would sacrifice my very life.
Readily take away every sliver of your pain, your strife.
Take the poison. To prove my love for you.
**
I cry every single day.
For all the pain my actions caused.
Still a fresh wound, a kind of mourning.
Know that I am learning still. Please forgive me.
Standing, or kneeling, for you I constantly pray.
**
© bipolarmuse 2012
A Dream Within A Dream
Last night I had a dream that really scared me and stuck with me all night, and in fact, I could not break out of its grasp. Each time I fell back to sleep, I fell right back into the dream.
What was weird was that it was a dream within a dream. Let me just preface this with an explanation of a little phobia I have that goes along with my bedtime ritual.I usually have to sleep with all drawers closed and all doors closed (please do not laugh, lol) and if they are not closed, I fear that I will have bad dreams. For the last 10-14 days I have been sleeping with my bathroom door open ( it is connected to my bedroom) and my closet door open… kind of as an experiment of sorts to see if I would have bad dreams. But I kept my bedroom door shut. As I have mentioned in a previous poem, sometimes I dream of spirits using my open doors as a “gateway”. HAHA, sounds silly, but hey, I dream of it allot.
Here is the dream, I will try to explain it the best that I can.
~ I was dreaming that I awoke from a scary dream, and that I had a fear of something in my bathroom…so I kept looking into the darkness of the bathroom to see if anything was in there. Of coarse, I could not see anything at all, but I felt something and felt scared to death. So immediately, I tried to wake myself from the bad dream (this is something I can usually do in real life), and woke up my fiance and asked him to turn the t.v. on that was in the corner of our bedroom wall across from the bed. When I asked him to do so, the t.v. came on by itself and the remote lit up next to me. This made me panic more and he assured me that he accidentally hit the “on” button because he was laying on the spare remote. I should have recognized at that moment that I was still dreaming because we do not have a television in the bedroom, but I truly thought I was awake and stayed awake long enough to fall back asleep, so I let the arms to slumber pull me into the mattress. Now I was terrified because the dream continued. This time I kept looking into the darkness of the bathroom and out into the dining room where I could see the table and chairs. So I desperately tried to wake myself up and in my dream, I accomplished waking up my fiance. He stayed up with me, but I kept having the sensation that I was being pulled back into the “dream” though waking up my fiance was part of the dream itself. Now this time, in the dream within a dream, I continued to look into the dark bathroom (of which nothing could be seen but darkness), and out into the dining room. Both were terrifying me as I felt “something” was lurking in these two rooms. Once again I was trying to pull myself up and out of the dream and thought I woke my dear fiance by shaking him and letting out a little scream. I awoke him in my dream and he assured me everything was ok. I kept looking into the darkness of the bathroom and thought I saw a “shadow” of something, and I looked into the dining room and saw only the dining room table and chairs. Now, clue number two that should have made me realize I was dreaming should have been that when I truly went to bed, the bedroom door was closed. Only the bathroom and closet doors were open. I felt the “fear” chemicals slithering in my body throughout the dream and the dream within the dream. Once again, I felt those dreaded arms of slumber pulling me into the mattress and fell back asleep, in the dream of coarse. Finally I truly awoke (in real life) and was fighting off falling back to sleep so I got up and went into the bathroom, turned on the light and read a little bit of a book. I then went back to bed and tossed and turned for a while before falling back to sleep to that horrid dream within a dream. This dreadful dream haunted me until 4:30 a.m. And then I went into normal dreamland that was fun and airy. ~
What tripped me out most was that I was dreaming in a dream I was already in the clutch of. There was nothing to truly be afraid of, as there was nothing really seen that would make me frightened, it was simply those weird chemical that give you the “feeling” of a bad dream.
From now on, I am not testing the door situation and plan to keep ALL doors closed. LOL. ~
Sorry this is such a long post, but to condense it would mean that I would have left out bits of the dream.
Any comments would be welcomed! The dream dictionary is not helping very much.
♥
A Poem to Myself
A Poem to Myself
You were delinquent to think you could stand so very tall,
That off your high, mighty pedestal, you never would fall.
Trying in vain to be super woman to one and to all…
Failing to care for you, you stumble, and break on the fall.
Could you not even take notice, could you not begin to see…
Each moment you pretended that strength, created misery?
Did you think you could be to all, that to yourself you couldn’t be?
Did you find one angel wing to cushion your fall, to save you from me?
And once again, you are in this battle, with pen and paper, you write.
Searching in desperation, the wrong turn you took, instead of the right.
Looking for answers that will give understanding. The sword to fight the good fight.
Searching, grappling, to change the You that carved out this painful plight.
Keep on searching, overlook your weakening knees, for the beauty in you.
Fight with all the strength, the power and light, that is by grace given to you.
Pray, on bended knees, even if in vain, for you have everything to prove,
Never, ever, give up on searching, living, being, growing, for them… for you.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Tingles
Tingles up my spine, in my hands, feet, neck, head. Sounds magnified by a billion… clanks, swooshes, drips, music from a house over, barking dogs, cars, the energy in my head. I swear I hear clown cars, elephants, people murmuring, popcorn bags crinkling, horns, tinkering bells, shoes shuffling, children laughing, a circus in my head. Every sensation is intensified 100 fold. Every ache is a pain, every touch leaves a scorching path, every chill becomes a pleasantly painful shiver. Running my fingers …
Bipolar Quote by David Lovelace
“It’s difficult. I take a low dose of lithium nightly. I take an antidepressant for my darkness because prayer isn’t enough. My therapist hears confession twice a month, my shrink delivers the host, and I can stand in the woods and see the world spark.”
― David Lovelace
I really wish I knew what the end of the quote means. “I can stand in the woods and see the world spark”.
To me, I almost wonder if the “woods” is in reference to his mind, and then how he sees everything through his own eyes. If you have any ideas, please share!
I had an experience that reminds me of this last line that I want to share with you. ~ After my diagnosis of Bipolar 2 disorder, I was in serious denial but out of amusement decided to take the meds prescribed to me. At the time, it was Wellbutrin and Depakote. NOT A GOOD COMBO for me. One day, in the depths of my sorrow and anguish, I decided to go to the park. It was huge with a large pond and a walking trail that circled this very large pond. I guess it is a fair assumption to say that I was suicidal. I sat on a bench that faced the pond and just stared out. All I remember was how everything seemed to have a “spark” about it. Everything was intensely magnified and it seemed like these little beams of energy were popping off from everything I looked at. The sky seemed to be “sparked” with some sort of little bursting bubbles. (And just for record, this was not a psychotic episode). What I DO believe is that it was the beginning of my very first Manic episode. The sun was too intense, the breeze too intense, the sound of other people enjoying themselves was too intense. Even as I got up and walked, the ground beneath my feet felt too intense, like I could feel each pebble or uneven surface. I was fascinated, as everything from sight, sound, touch, and olfactory senses was magnified. My brain was firing off in a way I had never experienced. Low and behold, it was a manic episode. After days of running around with no sleep… working with zero sleep, going out all night long, again with zero sleep… now repeat this many days in a row. I finally called a Doc at the pleading of a friend with a degree in psychology, and stopped the medications, but added a sleeping pill. In hindsight, and more experiences to compare with this, Wellbutrin was the devil. It set into motion the mania that soon became my wicked friend. Only a little less wicked than depression.
I never had that extreme of a manic episode again until 2008, 5 years later. Then in 2008, same thing happened. Hot felt cold, cold felt hot… the lights in grocery stores were too bright… and so on. This manic/hypo-manic episode lasted from 2008-2011. I was rapid cycling. Unbelievably so. I thought one of two things was happening… I was going crazy, or I was going to die. ~
Stupid Bipolar Disorder
My Soul Enwrapped by Your Loveliness
For it was not into my ear that you whispered, but into my heart, It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. ~ Judy Garland
My soul enwrapped by your loveliness,
Your unrelenting spirit.
Like a dagger in my throat,
My burning anguish, will not
Let me go.
My catalyst, this burning fire,
Burns like kerosene flowing,
Through my fiery veins.
Reaching. Praying. Anticipating.
My desire for you to never wane.
To be within my pining grasp.
Twinkling inside my mortal wight.
Your sparkle, shimmer, light up my life.
In your strength, you give me ambition.
My soul enwrapped by your loveliness. Your light.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Infinitely my Muse
Today is a detestable day.
A breaking heart, excruciating pain.
If I cry enough, will the heavens release rain?
Will Seraphs cry, take my pain away?
I feel the unbearable shattering inside…
Forgive me my loves, my future, my pride.
Crumbling. In gasps I cry.
Painful breaths, a solid reminder I am alive.
I give my all, every piece, to you.
My battered mind and heart both feel bruised.
Feels like every direction I move, I lose.
Please forgive me my loves. Infinitely my muse.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Teaching Children Mindfulness
As I am here with my children, of coarse it is a memorable, happy, loving experience. They are encompassing me with unconditional love, and the beauty of what life is for me. We cuddle, and I hold them in my arms while they fall asleep. We exchange many “love yous” and “miss yous”, and of coarse they ask me heart wrenching questions that instantly make me cry. Some tears just cannot be held back. Children are the most open of any age group, and bold in their questioning.
From the moment I get to them, their minds jumps forward to when I have to leave. They are very smart and realize, that for the time being, my time with them is limited. So they project to the future and become sad, and anxious, and their tears flow. It is absolutely heartbreaking and I am not able to hold my tears back either. I hold them and remind them that I love them so very much and I miss them every second I am away. I then ask them to please not worry about when I must leave, but to enjoy the moment. The moment we have together right now is the most precious and we do not need to be sad and cry, but to be happy and have a great time together, whether we are simply watching cartoons or playing hide and seek. What we have in this moment is beautiful.
Though it is hard to say these things without a quivering voice and without tears streaming down my face, I must teach them… this moment is what we have… we must enjoy each and every second.
It is difficult, and being with them keeps me on the verge of tears, not willingly, but just as I came to visit… I will have to leave. Heartbreaking but true. I am staying in the moment though I must fight back my grief. I accept it… because it is what it is, for the time being .
I do hope my words touch somewhere in their heart and minds so that they don’t have to suffer unnecessarily… something I am continuously work on.
Love and light my friends…
I Cling
This spinning world… unpredictable,
yet a most wondrous scene.
I cling.
To love … capricious, astonishing…
growing, priceless, serene.
I cling.
With my glowing energy, growing inner spirit…
Selflessly to give.
I cling.
To this life, painful, with twists and turns…
Yet also with moments of bliss…
I can cling.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Courage
I am on a most wonderful journey, in this life, with my babies…
Most beautiful and amazing forces in my life.
All four have that astonishing affect on me.
They are more than worth any amount of pain that I feel.
They are my hope.
They are precious and the most beautiful pieces of me…
Give me my most important attribute.
Courage.
They make the moon shine its light upon me,
The suns warm rays wrap me in its embrace.
They envelop me in love…
And make the stars wink at me.
They impart to me my mighty strength,
Even in darkness,
They give me
Courage.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Slow Responses
I want to apologize to my faithful followers for being slow with my responses and reading of your blogs that I enjoy so much.
I will do my best to keep up late at night… right now I am with my babies and enjoying every second.
Thank you so much for the lovely responses to my posts. ♥
Incredible Dream
I have had this recurring dream that absolutely fascinates me and I want to share it with you.
My Grandparents, Great Grandmother, Aunt and Uncle all lived on the same street just houses away from one another (this is truth, not part of the dream). Now, my Grandparents home was the most inviting, loving place I remember of all the other relatives houses. I still drive past it from time to time to reminisce as a matter of fact.
Now here is the dream… and I have had many.
I dream of the street and my family members houses. Yet everyone who appears to me in the dream has passed away. Sometimes I will walk up to them and have a specific conversation. For example, I had a dream of the ex who committed suicide. He was on the sidewalk in front of my Great Grandmothers house. He looked happy and seemed to have a glow about him. He was dressed in the same fashion has he had while alive and I couldn’t get over the peace in his face. We spoke for a few minutes. He told me he felt great and that he wanted me to “let go… it was time”. He also told me that his cousin and wife (who I was close with as well) was pregnant again. He smiled and turned around and walked away from me. I had no desire to chase him… there was no anger in the dream, just calmness and awe. After the dream I called my good friend and told her about the dream… and she confirmed that they were indeed pregnant and had just found out not long before I called. Craziness! That was the only peaceful dream I had about him and I was glad that it ended on such a positive and peaceful note.
Another dream, I was watching an old neighbor that I knew since I was 4yrs old mowing his lawn. He was barefoot as he always had been and the green of the lawn had stained his feet, something I giggled about when I was a child… we both exchanged hellos and he went back to mowing his lawn. Not long after I had the dream, I told my Grandpa about it and he told me that the neighbor had passed away about a year previous to my dream, unbeknownst to me.
Then in another dream, I was in my grandparents home. I walked in through the front door to see the ex who died, and Aunts and Uncles who have passed away… my Grandparents and Great Grandparents as well. In this dream I could fly and float throughout the house. Many loved ones who had passed away were in this house. I was in awe… not in fear…and happy to see them and speak to them for a while. Nothing was askew with them, they looked just as they had when alive.
Now, even to this day, if I dream of this house, my passed away loved ones are there. It is like they meet there knowing I will show up to visit with them. When I was really into lucid dreaming I would always try to get to that house. Sometimes I could and sometimes I could not. And a couple times the house was vacant, not of furniture, it looked the same, but the loved ones were not there.
This is a dream that I hope to continue having. It is such an awe inspiring dream with such great feelings of love and peace. Like the room glows, they glow. They are happy…and when I am there, I do not get sad. The happiness and peace flows over me as well.
I just wanted to share such a dream experience. I am a very vivid dreamer… always. I wake up nearly daily with vivid dreams spinning in my head. Some good, some not. I can only recall one year that I did not dream…after my sons abuse. When I finally had/ remembered my dreams, I cried. I knew some sort of healing and pieces of me were coming back. ♥
Many Are Strong In the Broken Places
“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.” Ernest Hemingway
This is a beautiful strong statement that rings validity. Think of it this way… broken bones in your body heal pretty darn quickly… the legs being the slowest because they are weight bearing. Within a certain amount of time (I think 1 year, maybe less), a broken bone is completely healed and is in actuality stronger where it was broken. (Please correct me if I am incorrect).
Isn’t that a testament to who we are as humans?? When we feel broken and shattered, in time… the strength becomes more than it had ever been. The will and determination ignites with a fierce passion. The hard part is that we want instant gratification instead of waiting for that healing and building process to take place.
Have faith my friends… we heal. Maybe slowly at first, but with diligence and perseverance we can do it! I believe in the power of the human spirit!!
A Rebound Day
A rebound day… from an excruciating pain.
A moment to breathe without,
the shaking of my chest.
A moment to relish in the beauty
of dry eyes and steady breath.
A beautiful note left,
with prayers, hope, and love.
A moment to forgive myself,
accept what cannot be undone…
Move forward, embrace myself with Love.
I stepped out in the beauty of the sun,
Heard the chirping of birds, Saw mother nature…
In her glorious gifts of flowers and trees.
Praised my Creator… for the possibility
of each one of my dreams.
Praised my Creator for another day,
to walk in beauty, and loving grace.
Today is a miracle, and tomorrow…
I will walk into a blessed day.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** As many of you know, yesterday was a brutal day. I literally cried from sun up to sun down. Completely unexpected. Tomorrow will be a glorious day, of love and beauty. I fly to see 2 pieces of me and I look forward to every single second of each day that I am with them. I look forward to their loving playful spirits and I will be embraced by their beautiful light, love, and energy. They are part of the light during my darkest days.**
Thank you for all the comments and concern yesterday. I truly was moved and appreciative to each and every one of you.
Love and Light ♥
Mood Swing Quote for Monday!!
“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Wow. Today has been a seriously overwhelming day. I went from happy (or the best version of it I can find) the last couple weeks to falling flat on my face. Crying from the moment I awoke… and still at this moment.
This, my friends, is Bipolar. Ugly, vile, shattering, not a discerning reason for the swing.
I will pick myself up again, I always do.
Someday the tears will sting less, the sorrow dwindle. I would rather it be sooner than later… Please.
Mindfulness For Sunday
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ Dalai Lama
This quote truly needs to be taken by heart. How many times have we offered love, compassion, and kindness to friends and loved ones, even at times to strangers in need… offering hope, reminding them that the events they are hurting from will become easier.
Yet we do not take the time to do so for ourselves.
For myself personally, I am my worst enemy. It was brought to my attention that I still retain much guilt over the pain of my past. Past mistakes that, because I was not fully in control of my emotions, has caused me terrible grief. A mourning if you would. A hurting from the pain I have caused to others as well. I continue to inflict this pain upon myself and keep the wounds open, not allowing full healing to take place.
Friends, this love and compassion, yes it must be extended to others. It gives a great feeling within to do so… brings a peace and an enlightenment. Yet, we must also water our own souls with this same loving kindness and compassion. We must forgive ourselves. How that is done, I am not sure. I do believe acceptance is the key, and a lesson I am learning the hard way.
I have hurt myself the most by my past. Others have already moved forward and accepted it, but perhaps never forgetting, the terrible pain I have caused. I must move forward and do the same. I must love me. In doing so, I will open my heart and learn to fully love others.
I am, as I have mentioned before… a work in progress.
I will do it, I have faith.
A Letter to Mom
Mom,
when we couldn’t see through the night
to tomorrow,
you pulled us through.
When days and nights were cold,
full of someones rage…
You helped guide us through.
When life offered doubt
and fear,
you gave truth.
When drowning in sadness and tears,
your strength was proof…
of life, and how we choose.
When I hit my lowest,
your voice quivered with fear
with love…
you offered me your roof.
Your love has seen us..
Through and through.
Your love and acceptance has saved
my life…
Look at me, I am living proof.
I love you Mommy
forever and through.
© bipolarmuse 2012
**My Sister and I were recently discussing how we have such love and sincere words for those we have lost but forget to recognize those who have remained a constant through our lives. I would like to take a moment and dedicate this to my Mommy.**
Mindfulness thought of today.
I agree.
If you do not experience hardships or sorrow, how do you know and experience the true value of happiness and personal growth?
I do not believe in such a thing as “always happy”, but I do believe in peace. Even in our darkest moments, there is light… you just may have to search a little harder to see it. There is the peace that comes with acceptance and going with the flow, though sometimes our minds want to rebel against such a thing.
Yesterday and its sadness, mistakes, and shortcomings are gone… no time machines to go back and fix it. Today, this moment, we can make changes to prevent the wrong doings of our past from repeating itself. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Right this moment is the only moment we have. We can still plan for the future and have hopes, dreams, and goals, but take the steps to reach them today… and hope tomorrow comes.
If not, you lived today to its fullest potential, and find contentment in that knowledge.
p.s. Never pass an opportunity to offer love and kindness.
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
