Ernest Hemingway Quote
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
So much truth to this wonderful quote from Hemingway, a very troubled man himself.
I feel like a great deal of my writing comes from pain and my poetry is a release from that pain that builds up. My poetry comes from a sad place that has always resided with me. Sadly, melancholy has had a place with me longer than happiness and I have come to a point in my life where a change must take place, and it is a change I am continually working on.
I was once told by a very brilliant woman that I did not suffer from a broken heart, but rather a bleeding heart. Broken could be fixed, bleeding is another matter in itself. I believe her point was that I feel pain with magnified senses. My normal mental pain is similar to what a person goes through when they grieve for a loss. They grieve during times when grief is expected. My grieving is constant.
When I was in therapy, my therapist was speechless over my intense pain. Pain that should have lessened over time but that still hung on to me like it happened two minutes ago. The wounds were always fresh. She told me I was in a constant state of grief. That is when I began learning about mindfulness and skills to help me to keep my emotions in a more acceptable, less painful range.
To my fellow writers, May we continue to sit at our keyboards and “bleed”. I believe it is healing and makes for beautiful works. ♥
Negative Thoughts
Negative Thoughts
Negative thoughts, painful memories,
As a screenplay in my mind.
Your invasions are pure trifling…
Perversely abate my precious time.
~
Oh, how I detest, loathe, the waste.
Your treacherous form, your very entity.
Withering my mind, heart, maybe my soul.
Taking invaluable, priceless, pieces of me.
~
Negative trifling thoughts…
I do not allow you to invade me anymore.
My mantra ” This thought is not helping me”.
I believe. Have implanted it, in my very core.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** One thing that I have taken to my core from therapy, which is based on mindfulness, is that negative thoughts can cause us much unneeded grief and pain. We revisit these thoughts all the time but the more we become aware of how often we do, we can actually lessen how often we revert to the negativity. So, my therapist recommended that each time I have a negative thought, to ask myself “How is this thought working for me”, or just say out right, “This though is not helping me”. It truly can help to divert your attention from the thought you are dwelling on. Try it. I know that it is not easy, trust me… I know. Suffering from mood disorders myself…I know the battle that is faced and that training the brain to think differently takes time. I do believe though that it can be done. With practice. Everything takes practice.
Try it. Next time your mind is boggling you down in negativity, take notice, and say, “This thought is not working for me”, then divert your mind to something you are grateful for. With patience and practice, this will become habit.
If it has helped me, it can certainly help you. **
♥ Love and Light my friends.
Tingles
Tingles up my spine, in my hands, feet, neck, head. Sounds magnified by a billion… clanks, swooshes, drips, music from a house over, barking dogs, cars, the energy in my head. I swear I hear clown cars, elephants, people murmuring, popcorn bags crinkling, horns, tinkering bells, shoes shuffling, children laughing, a circus in my head. Every sensation is intensified 100 fold. Every ache is a pain, every touch leaves a scorching path, every chill becomes a pleasantly painful shiver. Running my fingers …
Teaching Children Mindfulness
As I am here with my children, of coarse it is a memorable, happy, loving experience. They are encompassing me with unconditional love, and the beauty of what life is for me. We cuddle, and I hold them in my arms while they fall asleep. We exchange many “love yous” and “miss yous”, and of coarse they ask me heart wrenching questions that instantly make me cry. Some tears just cannot be held back. Children are the most open of any age group, and bold in their questioning.
From the moment I get to them, their minds jumps forward to when I have to leave. They are very smart and realize, that for the time being, my time with them is limited. So they project to the future and become sad, and anxious, and their tears flow. It is absolutely heartbreaking and I am not able to hold my tears back either. I hold them and remind them that I love them so very much and I miss them every second I am away. I then ask them to please not worry about when I must leave, but to enjoy the moment. The moment we have together right now is the most precious and we do not need to be sad and cry, but to be happy and have a great time together, whether we are simply watching cartoons or playing hide and seek. What we have in this moment is beautiful.
Though it is hard to say these things without a quivering voice and without tears streaming down my face, I must teach them… this moment is what we have… we must enjoy each and every second.
It is difficult, and being with them keeps me on the verge of tears, not willingly, but just as I came to visit… I will have to leave. Heartbreaking but true. I am staying in the moment though I must fight back my grief. I accept it… because it is what it is, for the time being .
I do hope my words touch somewhere in their heart and minds so that they don’t have to suffer unnecessarily… something I am continuously work on.
Love and light my friends…
Many Are Strong In the Broken Places
“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.” Ernest Hemingway
This is a beautiful strong statement that rings validity. Think of it this way… broken bones in your body heal pretty darn quickly… the legs being the slowest because they are weight bearing. Within a certain amount of time (I think 1 year, maybe less), a broken bone is completely healed and is in actuality stronger where it was broken. (Please correct me if I am incorrect).
Isn’t that a testament to who we are as humans?? When we feel broken and shattered, in time… the strength becomes more than it had ever been. The will and determination ignites with a fierce passion. The hard part is that we want instant gratification instead of waiting for that healing and building process to take place.
Have faith my friends… we heal. Maybe slowly at first, but with diligence and perseverance we can do it! I believe in the power of the human spirit!!
A Rebound Day
A rebound day… from an excruciating pain.
A moment to breathe without,
the shaking of my chest.
A moment to relish in the beauty
of dry eyes and steady breath.
A beautiful note left,
with prayers, hope, and love.
A moment to forgive myself,
accept what cannot be undone…
Move forward, embrace myself with Love.
I stepped out in the beauty of the sun,
Heard the chirping of birds, Saw mother nature…
In her glorious gifts of flowers and trees.
Praised my Creator… for the possibility
of each one of my dreams.
Praised my Creator for another day,
to walk in beauty, and loving grace.
Today is a miracle, and tomorrow…
I will walk into a blessed day.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** As many of you know, yesterday was a brutal day. I literally cried from sun up to sun down. Completely unexpected. Tomorrow will be a glorious day, of love and beauty. I fly to see 2 pieces of me and I look forward to every single second of each day that I am with them. I look forward to their loving playful spirits and I will be embraced by their beautiful light, love, and energy. They are part of the light during my darkest days.**
Thank you for all the comments and concern yesterday. I truly was moved and appreciative to each and every one of you.
Love and Light ♥
Mood Swing Quote for Monday!!
“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Wow. Today has been a seriously overwhelming day. I went from happy (or the best version of it I can find) the last couple weeks to falling flat on my face. Crying from the moment I awoke… and still at this moment.
This, my friends, is Bipolar. Ugly, vile, shattering, not a discerning reason for the swing.
I will pick myself up again, I always do.
Someday the tears will sting less, the sorrow dwindle. I would rather it be sooner than later… Please. 
Today
So close, So soon.
Today
One of those days.
The tears flow freely,
I feel like I could forget to breathe.
But just two more days and I will be with two parts of my heart and soul,
My two beautiful babies.
I long to embrace them…
Kiss them from head to toe.
Remind them I am there at all times,
in their heart of hearts and soul of souls.
That even when I can’t be seen,
I share with them the sun, stars…
and the glorious moon beam.
That they are felt and loved in every inch of me.
And one day soon,
So very close, each day, I will be.
Mindfulness For Sunday
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ Dalai Lama
This quote truly needs to be taken by heart. How many times have we offered love, compassion, and kindness to friends and loved ones, even at times to strangers in need… offering hope, reminding them that the events they are hurting from will become easier.
Yet we do not take the time to do so for ourselves.
For myself personally, I am my worst enemy. It was brought to my attention that I still retain much guilt over the pain of my past. Past mistakes that, because I was not fully in control of my emotions, has caused me terrible grief. A mourning if you would. A hurting from the pain I have caused to others as well. I continue to inflict this pain upon myself and keep the wounds open, not allowing full healing to take place.
Friends, this love and compassion, yes it must be extended to others. It gives a great feeling within to do so… brings a peace and an enlightenment. Yet, we must also water our own souls with this same loving kindness and compassion. We must forgive ourselves. How that is done, I am not sure. I do believe acceptance is the key, and a lesson I am learning the hard way.
I have hurt myself the most by my past. Others have already moved forward and accepted it, but perhaps never forgetting, the terrible pain I have caused. I must move forward and do the same. I must love me. In doing so, I will open my heart and learn to fully love others.
I am, as I have mentioned before… a work in progress.
I will do it, I have faith.
Decorate My Own Soul
Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
Veronica A. Shoffstall
My yearning soul, waiting.
Ever so patient,
To grow the strength,
To travel the distance…
Quench my appetency to love me.
I want to disencumber this fervent need,
For acceptance from an external source.
To “decorate my own soul”.
From the cracks in my heart, grow…
My own garden, from my being,
A beauty, strength, a love that embraces
The grace of me.
© bipolarmuse 2012
United States of Tara
Image via Wikipedia
** DISCLAIMER**
I am in NO way making like of mental disorders. I suffer from them myself and I know how debilitating and serious they are. That being said, I believe we must have humor. A laugh to help myself get through this life, as I find it a must for my spirit and soul.**
I have found this TV series on Netflix and began watching it recently. It is about a woman who suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder in which she has multiple personalities or “alters” as they call them on the show. The show makes me laugh so much, not because of the disorder, but the personalities themselves. I am not trying to insult anyone with the disorder, and I know there are different degrees of the disorder itself. For myself personally, they believe I have experienced a bit of the disorder because of blacking out very traumatic experiences… though I do not have other “personalities”. That being said, the series is great if you like to have a laugh. I do believe it is pretty accurate as well, as far as having multiple personalities goes. I recently re-read the book ” I’m Eve“, and was in awe with her stories. You can also look up youtube videos of interviews done with her switching personalities on command, you can search either by her real name, Chris Costner Sizemore, or by Eve White and Eve Black. Sounds like a fluke, but it was very real and you can read many accounts of her story. The reason I mention this is because the TV series seems to follow right along with the medical information and several truthful accounts of those who have this disorder. Only the show adds humor to it and it is not based on a true story of a specific person.
If you like to have a good laugh and a little insight to D.I.D, watch United States of Tara.
If you enjoy reading, the book I’m Eve about Chris Costner Sizemore is awesome. I could not put it down and read it in a couple of days. An amazing account of this woman’s life and how she reconciled her personalities.
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
