Taking Rides On Dandelion Fluff
Dandelion fluff: When fairies dance upon the air, reach out gently and catch one, fair. Make a wish and hold it tight, then softly toss your pixie back to summers night.
~from the novel The Weight of Silence.
~
Fairies flittering here and there
Against the wonderful night,
So fair.
Riding the moon beams in elegance,
Careless and free, leaving pixie dust
As remnants.
In whispers they call out to me,
To impart their grace,
their peace.
Taking rides on Dandelion fluff,
owning a certain bliss.
Offering a considerate hope, a moment
For me to wish.
Sitting in the beauty of
the night,
Gazing out into the
magnificent sky.
Fairies dancing, playful,
nothing amiss.
To dance, be carefree, relieve my pains,
I wish.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Ransome Notes
Ransom Notes
Traveling in these wicked twists and turns in my head,
How has this happened? I would love to find,
A most comfortable place to rest my mind.
Hide.
These winding turns, alluring as they my be,
I do not want to pick this ugly fight.
Though you hold me hostage, with strength and might.
I Fight.
I have begged for your unearned trust.
You leave invisible ransom notes,
Promises. Just as invisible. Sinking boat.
Yet I float.
I cannot make happen, what will not be.
I cannot force this aching heart, to feel,
That which will not, cannot be real.
I heal.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Masquerade Mask
Masquerade Mask
Lost and empty, yet a full room of faces.
A fake smile, a masquerade mask.
Hiding behind tears, never to truly reveal
Exactly who I am.
Embarked on many adventures, had many plans
I got myself into a slump,
Taking on changes I couldn’t handle.
Now I endure these bruises, nurse these lumps,
Find some way to pull myself out of
This sadness, fear, this self inflicted slump.
I just can not get things out of my head.
Over and over my wicked mind spins,
Engulfing me in its dangerous web.
Again, Again, and again.
© Bipolarmuse 2012
To Dust It Turns
Everything I touch, even in loving kindness…
To dust it turns. Never to be in original form again.
The devastation too great, melancholy relentless.
There is a certain truth in “Ignorance is Bliss”.
~
I gasp, I tremble, I undoubtedly cry.
Trying dauntlessly to prevent this sand…
From slipping through my fingers. Holding tight.
There is no holding it, it seeps through my grasp.
~
I stare longingly at that sandy floor.
Collecting all the broken, to put it back in place.
However, this devil in me, an old friend for sure,
Allows me not. For the devil enjoys this relentless pain.
© bipolormuse 2012
A Year Ago
A Year Ago
Lost, lonely, confused and dazed.
Sad, frightened, drinking during the day.
The hours, minutes, seconds on the clock,
Meant nothing. Just an annoying “tick tock”.
Living each night, hooting with the owls.
Days just as easy, drowning time in alcohol.
Losing sight of goals lined up, goal defined…
During a very distressed, manic state of mind.
Surely to not succeed, to tall and high, those dreams.
Created from just a fraction of the one I call “me”.
Sorrow and Failure enveloped me. Wicked tools.
The devil brandishes them, just wicked fools.
But they plant seeds and plot my destruction,
Barely a fight in me, other than to follow instructions.
I know I am not destined to leave in this way,
I reach out to those, who won’t give up for me, not today.
I prayed for my babies to light the road, the right path.
Sacrifices were made. Though most made me more sad.
I had to fight, giving up was not an option for me…
Fight for them, fight for me. No other way to be.
I cried all hours of the day, and at night I could pretend…
Life was amazing, full of purpose, just Grand.
I crash and burned each and every day.
Was never sure how long I could endure the pain.
Endless phone calls, desperation… all I could do was cry.
Slept on the couch of a dear friend, when I feared for my life.
A year ago, sadly this was the tale of me.
One year later, though not healed, I am much more complete.
Sadness, an old friend, can still reign.
But now, in this loving place, happiness has a place.
♥
© bipolarmuse 2012
My Special Gift
Bittersweet, I just held you in my arms.
Every second of each day, I enjoyed your touch.
So full of fun, and playfully sassy,
Exploding with magical charm.
To turn and leave, unwillingly, my collapsing
Heart ached so very much.
~
Lets press rewind, just for a moment.
Four years ago, it was just you and me.
A room devoid of a friendly face.
A menacing shortcoming, a mental torment.
You were basked in a heavenly glow…
I gave birth to you, my angel. So heavenly.
~
Now, this agony, I cannot be with you, this day.
I would sacrifice… give my very all.
For every precious moment… prayers answered.
For less tears. Love. Our peace. Each day.
Happy Birthday my baby girl, my valentines gift.
Every year, again and again, In love with you, I fall.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** My youngest baby girl was born this day 4 years ago. My personal Valentines gift. Sadly I was alone when I gave birth to her. A bitterness I am working on, for I know it was not her Fathers fault… he was serving our country. This was a moment I showed great courage facing her birth alone. But I had loving offers from family and friends to be there with me. I refused this loving kindness… and in a way, it was what helped me unravel. My strength is also my shortcoming. I can be strong to a fault because I will not let others in to help me. I just returned from a trip where I spent several days with her and her brother, it doesn’t lessen the pain of not being there today. I know I will be asked by her why I cannot be there, and I will cry.
But this is a beautiful day. To celebrate her life and the beautiful gift she is to me. And the beautiful gifts all my children are to me.**
Happy Valentines… may today be peaceful and gentle on you all. ♥
Negative Thoughts
Negative Thoughts
Negative thoughts, painful memories,
As a screenplay in my mind.
Your invasions are pure trifling…
Perversely abate my precious time.
~
Oh, how I detest, loathe, the waste.
Your treacherous form, your very entity.
Withering my mind, heart, maybe my soul.
Taking invaluable, priceless, pieces of me.
~
Negative trifling thoughts…
I do not allow you to invade me anymore.
My mantra ” This thought is not helping me”.
I believe. Have implanted it, in my very core.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** One thing that I have taken to my core from therapy, which is based on mindfulness, is that negative thoughts can cause us much unneeded grief and pain. We revisit these thoughts all the time but the more we become aware of how often we do, we can actually lessen how often we revert to the negativity. So, my therapist recommended that each time I have a negative thought, to ask myself “How is this thought working for me”, or just say out right, “This though is not helping me”. It truly can help to divert your attention from the thought you are dwelling on. Try it. I know that it is not easy, trust me… I know. Suffering from mood disorders myself…I know the battle that is faced and that training the brain to think differently takes time. I do believe though that it can be done. With practice. Everything takes practice.
Try it. Next time your mind is boggling you down in negativity, take notice, and say, “This thought is not working for me”, then divert your mind to something you are grateful for. With patience and practice, this will become habit.
If it has helped me, it can certainly help you. **
♥ Love and Light my friends.
A Robert Frost Quote
The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
I have always interpreted this quote for myself in relation to my mood disorders. Relating the woods to death, or giving up this good fight as I like to call it…
But the rest of the quote is what inspires me.
” I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep”.
There is such beauty in this quote. I remind myself that I have promises to myself, to those that I hold near and dear, to my beautiful babies, to my Creator. This fight is never in vain. It is worth every struggle, each pain endured, every tear shed.
It is the good fight my friends… and no matter the struggles, just hold onto whatever faith and whatever hope you can find.
Simple words from a friend, a smile, a kind gesture, the beauty and hope that a new day offers, your dreams and goals. Always start small, baby steps, to reach the bigger aspirations.
And do not forget to love yourself, to LEARN how to love yourself. Say to yourself… ” I am worth it “… because you truly are.
♥ Love and Light my friends. May you have peace and beauty in this day.
I am Learning Still
I am Learning Still.
” Oh my son, Look at what I’ve done.
But I am learning still, learning still,
Know that I am learning still. ” Missy Higgins
~When I was visiting my smallest children this past week… my son (who is six) was asking the difficult questions that parents often face. I wish they were easy questions, like why is the sky blue? Or, why do birds fly south for the winter?
Oh, no. His questions were about broken hearts, and why I hurt his Dad… and why I moved him to a new place where he was hurt ( he was abused by a despicable person ). All I could do was cry, and apologize over and over, for I know he hurts so.~
**My dear son,
Some things just cannot be answered.
I would have readily taken your place,
Taken the abuse, hurt, pain.
I just pray you do not question my love…
**
For you,
I would take away your painful memories.
I would sacrifice my very life.
Readily take away every sliver of your pain, your strife.
Take the poison. To prove my love for you.
**
I cry every single day.
For all the pain my actions caused.
Still a fresh wound, a kind of mourning.
Know that I am learning still. Please forgive me.
Standing, or kneeling, for you I constantly pray.
**
© bipolarmuse 2012
A Poem to Myself
A Poem to Myself
You were delinquent to think you could stand so very tall,
That off your high, mighty pedestal, you never would fall.
Trying in vain to be super woman to one and to all…
Failing to care for you, you stumble, and break on the fall.
Could you not even take notice, could you not begin to see…
Each moment you pretended that strength, created misery?
Did you think you could be to all, that to yourself you couldn’t be?
Did you find one angel wing to cushion your fall, to save you from me?
And once again, you are in this battle, with pen and paper, you write.
Searching in desperation, the wrong turn you took, instead of the right.
Looking for answers that will give understanding. The sword to fight the good fight.
Searching, grappling, to change the You that carved out this painful plight.
Keep on searching, overlook your weakening knees, for the beauty in you.
Fight with all the strength, the power and light, that is by grace given to you.
Pray, on bended knees, even if in vain, for you have everything to prove,
Never, ever, give up on searching, living, being, growing, for them… for you.
© bipolarmuse 2012
My Soul Enwrapped by Your Loveliness
For it was not into my ear that you whispered, but into my heart, It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. ~ Judy Garland
My soul enwrapped by your loveliness,
Your unrelenting spirit.
Like a dagger in my throat,
My burning anguish, will not
Let me go.
My catalyst, this burning fire,
Burns like kerosene flowing,
Through my fiery veins.
Reaching. Praying. Anticipating.
My desire for you to never wane.
To be within my pining grasp.
Twinkling inside my mortal wight.
Your sparkle, shimmer, light up my life.
In your strength, you give me ambition.
My soul enwrapped by your loveliness. Your light.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Infinitely my Muse
Today is a detestable day.
A breaking heart, excruciating pain.
If I cry enough, will the heavens release rain?
Will Seraphs cry, take my pain away?
I feel the unbearable shattering inside…
Forgive me my loves, my future, my pride.
Crumbling. In gasps I cry.
Painful breaths, a solid reminder I am alive.
I give my all, every piece, to you.
My battered mind and heart both feel bruised.
Feels like every direction I move, I lose.
Please forgive me my loves. Infinitely my muse.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Singing a Lost Song
This bleeding, beating heart.
I have allowed it to drag me along.
Seeping warm salty tears…
Beating with a longing, losing beat.
For far too long, singing a lost song…
I can no longer stand, where I once stood.
My knees buckle
Yet I hold my stance, Will not fall…
Though there was a time I once could, once would.
Every truth I thought was true,
Just ambiguity with a jagged edge…
Cut through. A devil with a silver tongue.
My bleeding heart, beating with devilish subterfuge.
I fight the wrongs…
This heart, no longer singing a lost song.
© bipolarmuse 2012
I Cling
This spinning world… unpredictable,
yet a most wondrous scene.
I cling.
To love … capricious, astonishing…
growing, priceless, serene.
I cling.
With my glowing energy, growing inner spirit…
Selflessly to give.
I cling.
To this life, painful, with twists and turns…
Yet also with moments of bliss…
I can cling.
© bipolarmuse 2012
A Rebound Day
A rebound day… from an excruciating pain.
A moment to breathe without,
the shaking of my chest.
A moment to relish in the beauty
of dry eyes and steady breath.
A beautiful note left,
with prayers, hope, and love.
A moment to forgive myself,
accept what cannot be undone…
Move forward, embrace myself with Love.
I stepped out in the beauty of the sun,
Heard the chirping of birds, Saw mother nature…
In her glorious gifts of flowers and trees.
Praised my Creator… for the possibility
of each one of my dreams.
Praised my Creator for another day,
to walk in beauty, and loving grace.
Today is a miracle, and tomorrow…
I will walk into a blessed day.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** As many of you know, yesterday was a brutal day. I literally cried from sun up to sun down. Completely unexpected. Tomorrow will be a glorious day, of love and beauty. I fly to see 2 pieces of me and I look forward to every single second of each day that I am with them. I look forward to their loving playful spirits and I will be embraced by their beautiful light, love, and energy. They are part of the light during my darkest days.**
Thank you for all the comments and concern yesterday. I truly was moved and appreciative to each and every one of you.
Love and Light ♥
Today
So close, So soon.
Today
One of those days.
The tears flow freely,
I feel like I could forget to breathe.
But just two more days and I will be with two parts of my heart and soul,
My two beautiful babies.
I long to embrace them…
Kiss them from head to toe.
Remind them I am there at all times,
in their heart of hearts and soul of souls.
That even when I can’t be seen,
I share with them the sun, stars…
and the glorious moon beam.
That they are felt and loved in every inch of me.
And one day soon,
So very close, each day, I will be.
Decorate My Own Soul
Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
Veronica A. Shoffstall
My yearning soul, waiting.
Ever so patient,
To grow the strength,
To travel the distance…
Quench my appetency to love me.
I want to disencumber this fervent need,
For acceptance from an external source.
To “decorate my own soul”.
From the cracks in my heart, grow…
My own garden, from my being,
A beauty, strength, a love that embraces
The grace of me.
© bipolarmuse 2012
A Letter to Mom
Mom,
when we couldn’t see through the night
to tomorrow,
you pulled us through.
When days and nights were cold,
full of someones rage…
You helped guide us through.
When life offered doubt
and fear,
you gave truth.
When drowning in sadness and tears,
your strength was proof…
of life, and how we choose.
When I hit my lowest,
your voice quivered with fear
with love…
you offered me your roof.
Your love has seen us..
Through and through.
Your love and acceptance has saved
my life…
Look at me, I am living proof.
I love you Mommy
forever and through.
© bipolarmuse 2012
**My Sister and I were recently discussing how we have such love and sincere words for those we have lost but forget to recognize those who have remained a constant through our lives. I would like to take a moment and dedicate this to my Mommy.**
The Pieces Of Me
The Pieces of Me
Pieces
Fragile, yet inexpungible.
A collapsed world, state of being.
A billion shards resting
Beneath this broken, bleeding body.
Pieces
Just a fragment or two
A chase of a whimsical place,
A familiar face.
Yet, all to reconcile is this broken state.
Pieces
My heart, have you forgot?
I am in the grips of a simple need,
Just one fickle beat.
My determination will continue on…
with The Pieces of Me.
© bipolarmuse 2012
The Candle Lighter Award
**I want to give a HUGE thank you to ‘Nessa (Bluesander) for nominating me for this award. Her poetry is amazing I am so very honored for the gift of this award.**
Apparently Rules do not accompany this nomination so here it goes. 
The Candle Lighter Award is an award for a post or blog that is positive and brings light into the world. The Candle Lighter Award belongs to those who believe, who always survive the day and who never stop dreaming, who do not quit but keep trying. There are no rules. If you wish to, simply accept it and you are done! You are also free to decline or ignore it. Recipients can pass it on to as many nominees as they wish and as often as they wish.
~~
I’m going to nominate those who inspire me, the blogs I enjoy reading, the blogs that are real, funny, and some with edge, and those who enjoy coming back to mine.
These are in no specific order… just random. I do enjoy more blogs than these listed, but decided to choose eight (also a favorite number), otherwise it could get out of hand. lol.
Please do check out these following blogs.
Romeo of Words
Rigid, razor-blade sheets.
Love, adoration, admiration,
Through the sheets they seep.
My Romeo of action.
My Romeo of words…
In my world of reality and of dreams.
Paper cut wonder…
Each loving word embraces…
Mesmerizes. Lives free.
Each word begs my heart…
To destroy this marble wall that guards.
Begs for my heart to be set free.
My Romeo Of Actions…
My Romeo of words.
Each letter, verse, even to my dreams they reach.
♥
© bipolarmuse 2012
I Believe
This cloudy…wondrous day.
A gift from our universe, our creator.
A time to sit, enjoy,
A time to ponder.
A most favorable time for me…
To stare at the gray world above.
In awe, amazement,
To feel so small under the sky,
Another world above.
Just a speckle I am, in this vast
world of galaxies, earth, and oceans.
How can we look to the sky, and not see a Creator??
How can we look at the complexity of a forest, the oceans,
The intricacy of the stars, moon, our solar system…
the magnitude of what we still do not know about our world,
And not see a Creator?
How can we watch a caterpillar change into a butterfly
and not see a Creator.
I look within, to the elaborateness of me.
The inner being, the beauty, the light that shines as a beacon
for me.
I look within to my weaknesses, but also to my strength…
my determination, the endurance, the depth of my
personality.
How could I look within, in the mirror, and not see a Creator?
I do see…
I do believe.
** Just pondering our world under the beautiful gray skies. I would not say I am religious, but I look at our world with awe, with admiration.
I cannot help believing. As I carried my children in my womb, something so beautiful and miraculous… I believed. For myself, there is no way that I cannot.**
Never Away From You
I miss you, long for you…
In every breathing moment,
Even when the glorious moon shines,
My mind is never away from you.
Your beautiful heart, your brutal truth…
Your delicate eyes staring at me.
Every tender moment we share, please know…
My heart is never away from you.
Your compassion, determination… my muse.
Your soft touch, and playfulness,
Every experience shared, please remember…
My soul is never away from you.
Your sadness, anger, valid feelings… true.
Peace will abound, love surround…
Healing… proof from our affection never lost.
My love… my very being is never away from you.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Life Is A Journey
Life is a journey, a winding twisted road…
Never to proceed as I aspire.
Blindsided moments throw my universe…
Off axis…consumes with fire.
Lost are the hopes and dreams,
That were once desired.
Life is a journey, a winding twisted road…
A trail that closes one door,
Always to open another…
Allowing dreams a chance, A life of more.
Often I cannot behold the new juncture…
But instead, that one closed door.
Life is a journey, a winding twisted road…
I will venture forward, allow opportunity,
To bestow love, kindness, forgiveness…
To the person I long to be.
I will move forward, accept this gift of life…
Accept the winding twisted road of this beautiful journey.
© bipolarmuse 2012
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
