Meet B
Meet B. As you can tell, this photo is not in the best quality at all. Sadly… I barely have any pictures of him left. 3 to be exact and the other 2 are with his son, so though they are better pictures, out of respect to others, I felt a pic of B by himself is the best option.
It is funny… in this picture he clearly smokes, but after he and I started dating, he never smoked…at least not to my knowledge. LOL.
This day, May 29th, is the 10 year anniversary of his suicide. He died sometime at night (details are now fuzzy), but the 30th is the day I found out and the 30th marks the day my world drastically changed for me mentally.
I hope he has found the peace he was always searching for. I hope his pain is gone and that his mind, heart, and soul is healed.
♥
Related articles:
Love is a chemical imbalance…
“…love is a chemical imbalance, too. That perilous highs and desperate lows and extravagant flurries of mood are not always symptoms of a broken mind, but signs of a beating heart.” Terri Cheney
Absolutely! So how do we know when one begins and the other ends?
Life is suppose to come with ups and downs… that is life. Being blue/melancholy is a normal response to sad events… even to change in general. Anyone with a beating heart will experience the highs and lows of life. So why are some people different.
My therapist explained that we feel in different degrees. That most people respond to sadness and happiness to a certain degree within a certain range, and then others with mood disorders have a hyper-sensed sadness and happiness that goes beyond the normal range. We go above and beyond the norms.
To separate the normal swings from the abnormal can at times be difficult to differentiate.
And so I just live.
This is who I am.
Related articles
- Mood Disorders and the Artist (bipolarmuse.com)
- Random Possibilities (bipolarmuse.com)
Sorrow Unmasked
“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.”
Enough said…
Bipolar Quote
“What most people call talent is our way to vent, and if we’re not discovered it will never pay the rent.”
― Stanley Victor Paskavich
LOL, isn’t that the truth. I love writing poetry, it is my passion and my therapy… but will probably never pay for rent.
Never say never though… who knows what life has in store!
That being said… our talents do provide a way to release our darkness, to reveal our minds.
That certainly is a beautiful gift.
“What hurts you, blesses you…”
“What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.”
― Rumi
Even in pain, there are blessings to be seen, we just have to be willing to see what they are.
Life is seldom easy… explanations are sometimes difficult to understand… love sometimes takes an unexpected turn.
Through it all, there is light.
There’s a new door opened when one is closed. Find the positivity in the pain and dwell there instead of in the pain itself.
Life is a grand adventure… ride through the darkness on the light.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Rumi: Seeing The Unseen… (eof737.wordpress.com)
Mahatma Gandhi Quote
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
I adore this quote!
From a fellow blogger I have read that emotional intelligence is knowing that ” people don’t make you mad, sad, happy, etc” but rather… you choose to be such.
When we believe someone else is responsible for our feelings… we create more havoc and unnecessary pain for ourselves.
We have a knee jerk reaction when someone does not behave in the way that WE think they should.
Everyone is different and may not have the same views with you, so setting your expectations for yourself does not mean those expectations are the same for others.
This concept it spot on.
Nobody is responsible for how you feel.
Why allow others to be in control of your feelings… be in control yourself.
You alone are responsible for your own happiness and any other emotion you have.
Be gentle on yourself and be the master of your feelings.
♥
Creativity Flows
Creativity flows from the veins of madness and bleeds… drop by drop.~ Bipolarmuse ♥
Bleeding on paper as Hemingway said.
Writing is my creative outlet, my inspiration, my voice, my journey, my healing, my therapy.
It is interesting as I have always had a fondness for the arts. In junior high and high school, I played the viola in orchestra. I also played the alto sax for a year, taught myself basic piano, and taught myself to play the clarinet.
I know I have beaten this like a dead horse, but I began writing poetry at 11, and then songs in my teens. I would literally write the notes out and play them with my keyboard. I also love to sing and at one time, I was bearable to listen to. 
Now I just want to learn how to paint. One day. 
In the meantime, I will stick to words. They are my life in poetry and prose.
♥
Edgar Alllan Poe Quote
“That which you mistake for madness is but an overacuteness of the senses.”
― Edgar Allan Poe
He nailed it. I love how, many moons ago, writers described cycles of melancholy as “madness”. It was common knowledge that many artists were touched with a sadness, an ‘overacuteness of the senses’. Most shared this common experience with fluctuating moods.
I definitely have ‘overacuteness of senses’.
I can’t begin to explain what it feels like to be in my body.
Touches feel like “scraping” or leave traces of extreme cold or heat. My head “sparks” as if I can feel every neuron firing off.
Sometimes it feels as though my entire body is tingling…an intoxicating feeling.
I have noticed that these extremes are felt during normal stages and in mania/hypo-mania/rapid cycling.
My moods are definitely reflected in my writings. The more depressed I am, the darker the poems become… as I lift up out of depression, my writings become more positive and infiltrated with hope and passion. Either way, I have learned that I am able to write even during the better of times… though it is more difficult. It is often that while climbing out of depression, I am most creative and motivated to be so.
Indeed, I would keep the “madness” in order to keep doing what I do. It’s worth it.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Keep your Spark
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it. ~ Robin Williams
Ahhhh… the spark of madness. All you need is a spark, not a blazing fire.
We all have this spark inside, for some it is stronger. It needs to be cultivated and used in a productive way.
Let your light inside, not only inspire you, but use it to inspire others. Be that beacon in the dark.
Who would I be without this malfunctioning mind?
I don’t want to find out.
I am liking me.
Stay strong my friends and keep your spark… If you feel you have lost it, you haven’t, it just needs rekindled.
♥
© bipolarmuse 2012
Random Possibilities
I like to live in a world of random possibilities.~ Bipolarmuse ♥
I am a thinker… as I think many of us with mood disorders are. Nothing is ever as simple as it should be. I have to dive into my mind and find hidden truths. Some people are happy with what is…and while I, at times, enjoy that… I also enjoy what could be and is yet to be revealed.
Tomorrow is surely to be different from today. Of course it has the similarities of yesterday, but it is profoundly different.
I have choices…each to lead to a different ending… only for the ending to be changed again. I like that.
I like to wander in this world without limits… of possibilities… random possibilities.
That is where I live.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Always Keep Trying
I LOVE this quote. Courage comes in all different forms and I believe that even when we feel defeated… when we make the decision to try again tomorrow… it takes a great amount of courage to do so.
It is not easy to feel life beat you down every single day…to feel like every effort is made with pain, made in vain. But to make the decision to move forward and to try again day after day. That is true courage.
I know for myself, the silent roar of courage made behind the veil of tears have been my most courageous moments. Those have been the moments that took the most strength and willpower to move forward and not give up.
Don’t feel that you are weak… every single day you make the effort to get up… to go about your day no matter how difficult it can be… and every single day, whether it ends in tears or starts with tears… you resolve to keep trying.
That is strength and that is courage. I applaud you.
My friends, you are not alone. Your struggles are never in vain… please know that you have purpose. ♥
Hope
What is hope?? The definition is: desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment; also : expectation of fulfillment or success
Hope is the very thing that is lost while in the throes of depression. You can lose many parts of yourself, but when hope has been lost… it can be a very dangerous place to be.
I know the feeling all too well, as I have lost hope many times. I have had moments when I felt life would not get better, I had lost hope in it. I lost hope in being happy. I lost the hope of thriving. Lost the hope of living tear free, fear free. Lost hope in myself. When I got to that point, it was a matter of life and death and to choose life… I had to fight. Fortunately, my children have been my beacon of hope during my darkest moment.
Why did I want to write about this? Because I want people to know that when hope is lost, you can fight for it. As I did.
Don’t lose hope, I have hope in you. ♥
Bipolar Quote of the Day
Manic Depression was more than a mental disease: it was a mind-set, it colored everything ~ Terri Cheney
Wow, this is so true. It seems Bipolar (aka Manic Depression) invades every piece of your life…saturates every single fiber of who you are. I have mentioned before that I cannot differentiate myself from the disorder. It does color everything in my life. It is like my entire life, everything I smell, touch, see… is tainted by the color of Bipolar disorder. It is tainted. Literally. Although I think that I need to start looking at this disorder as a blessing.
Does it have catastrophic consequences at times, YES! However, I cannot imagine a life where I do not “feel” so intensely… where I do not “think” so deeply, a place where I do not have the “art” of words. Words make my world come to life and I could not imagine not having the ability to form them into an art.
Is it a curse? Perhaps…. but it is also a “gift”. A gift I wouldn’t wish on anyone… Hahaha.
As far as I personally go… I think it touches my poetry in a beautiful away and it touches my soul and spirit in a way that makes me share my world with you.. the good and the bad… the beautiful… the dark… the light that still shines within me despite my trials and tribulations.
It is worth the fight… the art… the deep thinking. For me anyhow.
Embrace Change
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another!
Gail Sheehy
Let us speak of change. Most are afraid of it and few are passionate about it. We can say we love to “change” all we want but is that reflected in our actions. I speak for myself when I say that change is good. Growth in self is good. However, to change…we must be willing to be uncomfortable, for that is the way to grow. It is not an easy task to make up your mind and step out of your comfort zone… but that is exactly what must be done in order for Change to come about. It is not instant gratification. It takes time to make that step and come out of your comfort zone to work on the change you wish to be, so it is a long term goal and one that may take time to become “comfortable” with.
We do need to walk away from pieces of who we are in order to gain the new… and while it is not always easy to do, it can be done.
Feed your mind positive affirmations and tell that committee in your head to shut its face… and do not fear to take that step out of your comfort level. You may be pleasantly surprised at what life has in store for you. ♥
Embrace and step out into the winds of Change.
Rumi quote
There are days when my mind will not stay still and it continuously runs memories through my mind like a reel.
When I found this quote, it reminded me that I need to practice quieting the committee in my head and start trying to focus on just my breathing and nothingness. When I put this into practice, I notice that I am more calm and at ease… and feel closer to my true self. Whether you believe in a Higher Power or not, this process gets you a step closer to your true self… to the exact “being” that you are… and you can connect with a beautiful light and energy that will help to heal your mind and heart.
This is what I wish for us all. ♥
Love and Laughter
May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. ~Unknown
What a beautiful sentiment that we can all find beauty in. Sometimes it feels like love eludes me, except for my children, but I know that deep down there is a place in me that love dwells, deep in my spirit and heart. I work continuously to let these granite walls down…to break them down… not an easy task but I am forever learning and growing.
Laughter is such a healing expression. I always feel better when I get a good laugh at something… so when I feel down, I will watch something that I KNOW will make me crack up. Sometimes it takes effort on my part, but once I get rolling with it, I feel so much better.
May you take this beautiful quote and take it to heart… find the love that exists in your dreams, and the laughter that heals your yesterdays.
♥
Mood Disorders and the Artist
If any of you love to read… and especially psychology books, you would love “Touched with Fire” by Kay Redfield Jamison. She does a great job in her research of poets of long ago and connects them with a possible mood disorder based upon their writing, melancholy, suicide attempts, suicide deaths, and information gathered from their families/loved ones… where applicable.
It is no surprise that mental illness goes hand in hand with artistic talents… for some reason, more so with writers than other artists. There is a striking number of suicides by contemporary writers that goes on to help prove the point. Lord Byron is quoted as saying, “We of the craft are all crazy”. (Speaking of other fellow writers and poets).
During a control study, 80% of writers were found to have any affective disorder. Affective disorder is descried as ” mental disorder characterized by dramatic changes or extremes of mood. Affective disorders may include manic (elevated, expansive, or irritable mood with hyperactivity, pressured speech, and inflated self-esteem) or depressive (dejected mood with disinterest in life, sleep disturbance, agitation, and feelings of worthlessness or guilt) episodes, and often combinations of the two. Persons with an affective disorder may or may not have psychotic symptoms such as delusions, hallucinations, or other loss of contact with reality.
Think about it… 80% is a staggering number of writers to be found with mood disorders.
Poets have the highest percentage of Bipolar 1 Disorder than any other writers/artists, and also have the highest percentage for suicides.
The more I am spent, ill, a broken pitcher, by so much more I am an artist – a creative artist. ~ Van Gogh
Kay Redfield Jamison says ” Artistic expression can be the beneficiary of either visionary and ecstatic or painful, frightening, and melancholic experiences. Even more important, however, it can derive great strength from the struggle to come to terms with such emotional extremes, and from the attempt to derive from them some redemptive value”.
Depression’s no gift from the muse~ Robert Lowell
The book also mentions the creativity of the relatives of writers, parents – 7%, while siblings were 20%…showing a pretty strong link to the genetic predisposition of Affective Disorders and creativity.
There is a wonderful graph in the book that I wish I could put in this post but it would be excruciatingly long and painful to do. However, you can see it here. In this chart is a breakdown of particular artists and their possible mood disorders. It gives the breakdown of why they were believed to have mood disorders, what type, and notes if they committed suicide. Strikingly, there is a high rate of mood disorders, suicide, and institutionalization within the group of poets AND their families. “More than one half of poets showed strong evidence of mood disorders… 1 in 3 poets likely suffered from Manic Depressive Illness, aka- Bipolar 1 Disorder.” (Touched With Fire)
Here is a list of artists believed to have some form of mood disorder:
John Berryman Honore De Balzac
Hans Christian Andersen Robert Burns
Samuel Clemens Lord Byron
Charles Dickens Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Isak Dinesen Emily Dickinson
Ralph Waldo Emerson T.S. Eliot
William Faulkner Victor Hugo
F. Scott Fitzgerald John Keats
Ernest Hemingway Edna St. Vincent Millay
Henry James Sylvia Plath
Eugene O’Neill Edgar Allan Poe
Leo Tolstoy Anne Sexton
Tennessee Williams Ezra Pound
Virginia Woolf Alfred Lord Tennyson
Emile Zola Dylan Thomas
Walt Whitman Michelangelo
Irving Berlin Jackson Pollock
Noel Coward Vincent Van Gogh
Stephen Foster Edvard Munch
Cole Porter Mark Rothko
Paul Gauguin Georgia O’Keeffe
Touched With Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison is a wonderful book and really helps to piece together these artists and their often melancholic mood noted in their works.
I leave you with words by Edward Thomas… for those of you with mood disorders, this will hit home with you… for those without mood disorders, this gives you an idea of what it is like to have one.
“I stay because I am too weak to go. I crawl on because it is easier than to stop. I put my face to the window. There is nothing out there but the blackness and the sound of rain. Neither when I shut my eyes can I see anything. I am alone…There is nothing else in my world but my dead heart and brain within me and the rain without.”
Shunryu Suzuki Quote
“When we have our body and mind in order, everything else will exist in the right place, in the right way. But usually, without being aware of it, we try to change something other than ourselves, we try to order things outside us. But it is impossible to organize things if you yourself are not in order.” ~Shunryu Suzuki
Wow! So much truth in this simple concept. We have to have our own minds and BODIES in control. Once we succeed in doing such, all else falls into place… where it belongs. I know myself personally, I am always trying to control external things that beyond my control. Releasing control takes practice but it brings much relief once you learn how to do so.
Perfect personal example: In 2008 I was in a constant state of anxiety/panic that when my blood pressure would be taken, it was through the roof. Since it was so high, they feared heart problems and sent me to a cardiologist. After running many tests and even using a halter monitor to monitor my heart beat for 24 hours, the doctor told me my heart was fine. My mind and body was not fine though because my mind was convinced I was dying, which made my heart RACE and body hurt. The cardiologist told me, “Once you get your anxiety in control, everything else will fall in place and your health problems will vanish”. He was right. Now, though I still have “white coat syndrome” from the experience, all of my other health problems have disappeared since my panic attacks/anxiety are under control (knock on wood).
A healthy mind will produce a “healthier” body, and a healthy mind and body will in turn affect our external environment.
Here is a little “funny” associated with this post…. when I read this quote, since my mind has been in a silly and fun mood, I instantly thought of Annie… And Miss Hannigan. LOL. Miss Hannigan was a mess and the orphanage was a mirror to the internal mess she was. “We love you Miss Hannigan”. Hahahahaha.
Related articles
- What Am I: Mind-Body Problem (thehumanbetween.wordpress.com)
36 Years Ago…
36 years ago today, I made my GRAND entrance into this world… I was itty bitty, blue eyed with blonde hair. My Mom, a young 17 yr old, gave me life. ♥ Thank you Mommy…
Funny, because I sort of feel like my real “birth” is occurring this year… perhaps self discovery is the true birth in life where our eyes are opened to amazing truths that lie within us, that have always been there but we are not “awake” enough to see.
This is the year I open my eyes and SEE… open my heart and FEEL… open my mind and receive this gift of life and truly living.
“I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies, for the hardest victory is over self.”
― Aristotle
36 years of learning, exploring, failing, and succeeding… and this moment I am in, the RIGHT NOW, is the moment with the greatest potential to be. To be who I am. To be. Simply be and live.
May this weekend be a gift to you… may you recognize the present moment as the greatest gift of all. In this moment I feel happy.
♥
A little Manic Quote by Terri Cheney
Cover of Manic: A Memoir
I have been reading… amongst 4 other books now… a book called Manic by Terri Cheney. I absolutely love to read books and I think I may need to read one at a time, but where is the fun in that?! I am promising to myself that I will not add another book to my current reading list until I have finished these five… whew!
That being said… this book Manic is highly interesting and packed full with good quotes I can use.
“Manic intentions are always good; manic consequences, almost never”. ~ Terri Cheney
Mania is a double edged sword. For those who have experienced it, you understand exactly what I am getting at. It starts so wonderfully: a lovely dose of energy, elated mood, feelings of conquering the world, productivity and artistic expression is at its peak, you feel beautiful and seductive, yet at some point, it starts to change. It is almost like a high and then it goes terribly wrong as you come off of that “high”. You start becoming confused, talking a little too rapid and incoherently, you have taken on too many projects that cannot be accomplished in a timely fashion, the seduction becomes worrisome as you begin to feel “dirty”, you realize you cannot do anything for the world because you can’t even help yourself. The crash begins and it slams you down on concrete… yet the concrete does not break your fall. You have a much larger pit to dig yourself out of.
As an example I wish not to dive too much into… I decided to leave my Ex-husband while manic. Those who experience mania understand how truly devastating it was to make such an impulsive decision while being in that dangerous state of mind. In mania… your consequences are never good.
I have since learned that I must think through decisions very thoroughly, even if that process takes months to get through. It is hard…but being conscience of this necessity will prevent much suffering.
Mania, my old friend, I do not want to give you the power to destroy me… and that goes for your bestie, depression. I slap you in the face today as I feel great. ♥
Lets have a good laugh!
Ok, so maybe not a good laugh but a nice quote and a funny picture.
I have this on my person facebook page as one of my positive affirmations. When I was struggling, at my worst with my disorder and the way my life crumbled around me due to my own stupidity, I would cling to any source of inspiration and hope. I hope it offers you a smile as well….
Tell everyone you know: “My happiness depends on me, so you’re off the hook.” And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they’re doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel-and then, you’ll love them all. Because the only reason you don’t love them, is because you’re using them as your excuse to not feel good.’ Esther Abraham-Hicks
Jimmy Dean Quote
“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination”. ~ Jimmy Dean
No matter what life throws at us, we are able to adapt and overcome whatever obstacle comes our way. It all will depend on how we “think”… our though process. No matter what road we take, each can lead to where we want to be. Never lose sight of your goals, even the most simple ones.
My goal daily is to wake up and say “Today is a beautiful day”, it is a small goal, yes. However, when I do this whether I “believe” it or not, just the verbal affirmation will help positivity trickle in.
Never lose hope… when needed, change direction. Never stop moving forward and growing. Hope is around every corner. ♥
Ripples
**In a gentle way, you can shake the world.**
Mahatma Ghandi
When I found this quote it made me stop and say “YES”! I have often wondered what my life calling would be, and I have ALWAYS wanted to be a Psychologist. After thinking about it recently, I have began to think that my calling may be different, yet I do not know how to go about accomplishing what my calling may be.
I think that, perhaps, I am meant to give a “voice” to those of us who suffer from mood disorders… or that I am meant to give hope and inspiration to those in need of a mental boost. How I accomplish this… I do not know. I do notice that even when I am in the throes of despair, finding inspiration to share makes me feel better and that I often get comments from others saying that they “needed the inspiration” that day. This “giving” makes me feel more joy and blessed to know that even when I suffer, I can offer hope to others.
So yes. In a gentle way, I can shake the world…. and I am.
♥
It Is What It Is
A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be. ~ Albert Einstein
When I read this quote, it really resonated with me.
My therapist often says “It is what it is”. Which on the flip side means “It’s not what it’s not”. LOL, same thing?
For me, Einstein is saying that I should look for what “is”, what is directly in front of me and accept it…not project what “is” into what I think I want/have/need… etc. He is speaking “mindfulness” perhaps without even realizing it.
I absolutely LOVE mindfulness which is the root of DBT. (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). It is a process of retraining our brains to think in a more positive direction. Our brain is like this committee that likes to spit out opinions, advice, and judgments. What we “think” is not exactly truth. We can “think” that we are worthless, stupid, ugly, unlikable… whatever. Is it TRUE?! NOPE. But the committee can sure convince us of it right? So using DBT/mindfulness, we can get that committee to shut up. How? Well, when my brain starts with that nonsense, I literally tell the “committee” to shut its face. Not aloud if in public because that could cause other unnecessary issues. But sincerely, I tell it to shut its face and concentrate for a moment on the “present”. I take note of the silence, maybe the birds outside my window. I take note of my breathing pattern, maybe pay close attention to how my skin feels as it “connects” to a soft blanket. I bring myself to the very second I am in. Then I redirect my thoughts. I choose to think that I am worthy, strong, independent, capable of what I put my mind into, capable of living and thriving, that I am beautiful regardless of how ugly my past mistakes were. I choose to think in a positive light. To be grateful for another day to grow. Lately, I have found tremendous happiness and satisfaction through my blog… feeling that I have offered some hope and inspiration to anyone who stops by to read.
Remember friends… “It is what it is”. If you do not like it, change it. If it cannot be changed, accept it. In practicing this, you will find more peace.
p.s. Getting that “committee” to shut its face will help too. Retrain your thought process!! Not to be done overnight, but it can be done. I have been practicing it now for 9 months and I am now seeing a “noticeable” difference. If I can do it, take faith that you can too. I believe in you. ♥
Related articles
- You: Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder (natashatracy.com)
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
