Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. ~Mark Twain

I love Mark Twain. He is one person that I would love to meet if I could go back in time.

How true is this quote?? It speaks volumes to me. I know that forgiveness is a huge step to my healing process and believe me, it is something I am working on. The past is done, no going back, and I do not want this mental baggage that keeps me below the surface of the water I feel like I drown in at times.

But how do you go about forgiving yourself? I know it is a part of letting go, and I know that in doing so, I will feel more at peace.

Some things feel too difficult to forgive. I know that I will never forget, but the pain will lessen with forgiveness.

How do I leap this hurdle? How do I look in the mirror and forgive myself of my past transgressions? Forgive the despicable man who hurt my son.

I know that forgiveness must take place, and that I must learn to love myself in order to heal.

I would love suggestions on how to do so. How to leap over this monstrosity that seems to take over my mind… not at all times, but more frequently than I would like.

Blessings to you all on this beautiful day. ♥

Dandelion fluff: When fairies dance upon the air, reach out gently and catch one, fair. Make a wish and hold it tight, then softly toss your pixie back to summers night.
~from the novel The Weight of Silence.

~

Fairies flittering here and there

Against the wonderful night,

So fair.

Riding the moon beams in elegance,

Careless and free, leaving pixie dust

As remnants.

In whispers they call out to me,

To impart their grace,

their peace.

Taking rides on Dandelion fluff,

owning a certain bliss.

Offering a considerate hope, a moment

For me to wish.

Sitting in the beauty of

the night,

Gazing out into the

magnificent sky.

Fairies dancing, playful,

nothing amiss.

To dance, be carefree, relieve my pains,

I wish.

© bipolarmuse 2012

My third child, my youngest son, was diagnosed with Autism at a young age. He has a very high functioning form of autism and has excelled in every aspect. His speech is fabulous, his spontaneous speech is getting much better, his interaction with others is pretty good… I don’t see many of the traits he had when diagnosed. He no longer “hand flaps”, and he is pretty good with eye contact. He is HIGHLY intelligent and is over the top in all his test scores. A small, yet silly example: We were walking in costco and they had these HUGE stuffed animals for sale. We were playing with them and of coarse the kiddos each wanted one. Their Dad said, “I don’t think so those are 50$ each”. My 6 yr old, in Kindergarten, looked at the price sticker and said “No Dad, they are 49 dollars and 95 cents not 50$”. He is amazing with numbers. Before he could hardly talk, he know all the numbers to the Thomas the Tank Engine Trains and their names. LOL. That being said, he has severe mood swings and gets very anxious and uncooperative on a whim. He can be happy go lucky one minute and then his mood just flips.

I have been reading about the link to Autism and Mood Disorders. I found it very interesting that most autistic children will have a family history of Bipolar Disorder/Manic Depression.

Here is a short article, including the link for the website I found this information.

From: http://blogs.wsj.com/health/2008/05/05/mental-disorders-in-parents-linked-to-autism-in-kids/

**Parents of children with autism are about twice as likely to have been hospitalized for mental disorders than parents of other kids, says a study published in the journal Pediatrics.

**Depression and personality disorders were more common among mothers but not fathers of autistic kids. The researchers found that schizophrenia was about twice as common in both mothers and fathers of children with autism.

**The link between parental disorders and a child’s autism was present regardless of whether the parent was diagnosed before or after the child. This pattern suggests that the association may be genetic, not a matter of a parent getting depressed over a child’s diagnosis.

**The work confirms earlier findings that showed psychiatric disorders are more common among family members of people with autism. A history of schizophrenia-like psychosis or affective disorder in a parent, for instance, sharply increases the odds of autism for a child.

Here is another link to The Journal of Neuropsychiatry about this subject. This article is, of coarse, a more scholarly article.

I find this interesting because I know that Bipolar Disorder can be highly hereditary. And watching the intense moods my son has, just seems to confirm what these article are saying. I also want to state that my son has always displayed these quick changes in mood since he was about walking age… so this was previous to the abuse he suffered. Also it was noted that some children will be diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders and then later in life drop that diagnosis and be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

When I found out my son had Autism, I wondered why, and how. He is a beautiful gift from God to be sure… and I think now I may have the answers to my “why” and “how”. ♥

The Sunshine Award, like all other rewards, has some rules:

• Include the award’s logo in a post or on your blog
• Answer 10 questions about yourself
• Nominate 10-12 other fabulous bloggers
• Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blogs, letting them know they have been nominated
• Share the love and link the person who nominated you.

TEN QUESTIONS

1. Favorite color: Deep purple, yellow drinking glasses, baby blue shirts, red hair coloring.  Little black dresses.
2. Favorite animal: Monkey! They are CRAZY little things. Very creative.
3. Favorite number: 8. Has no beginning, no end, and is an even number. I prefer the evens.
4. Favorite non-alcoholic drink: Tea or Dr. Pepper 
5. Prefer Facebook or Twitter? Facebook. I am still getting the hang of Twitter.
6. My passion: My Children. Writing. Poetry. Reading. Learning.
7. Prefer getting or giving presents:  Both. You must give to receive.
8. Favorite pattern: Bling bling. I love shiny things. You can’t go wrong!
9. Favorite day of the week: Wednesday
10. Favorite flower: Tulips, Lilies.

My nominees are the the following fellow bloggers below:

Stronghold

likethesunshone

Warrior Poet Wisdom

As The Pendulum Swings

VampireWeather

Written Words Never Die

Will Of Heart

Mortal Hearts with Immortal Souls

maggiemaeijustsaythis

Julie Catherine

The Tale Of My Heart

Bipolar: Writing for Therapy & my life

This, my friends, is beauty. “Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength”. No matter the pain we must endure, there is always that light we are able to find. It may not be seen immediately, we must be patient, there is no instant gratification in this process. We are all capable of rising above our challenges, to be free of unnecessary mental anguish.  Look hard within. Take note. Fight your demons and find the way out of that hole, find that light. Even some light in the world of darkness brings hope, strength, and the power to heal.

Blessings to you all this lovely night. ♥

This post is going to be a hard one for me. It has to do with my sons abuser… of which I do not want to say his name. Here is a link to the post I made about him in 2010 http://bipolarmuse.com/2010/04/25/who/ , and also, here is a link about my sons abuse, also written in 2010 http://bipolarmuse.com/2010/06/07/bruised/. Please look over any curse words, I was in a very, very dark, sad, lost state of mind.

Recently I received an email from an ex-girlfriend of the abuser. She stumbled up my blog after googling his name and had some questions for me about this despicable man. Since my sons abuse I had 20/20 vision of coarse and have openly believed and claim that he has a disliking for boys and LOVED girls. Sounds perverted right? I believe this because his actions and simple mannerisms make me feel this way. And of coarse, he abused my son, and not my daughter. He openly professed that he was ecstatic that his children were girls, not boys. This lady contacted me because she had a son and was around the despicable man when her child was a young child…she was concerned that maybe her son had been abused as well. She specifically asked her son if he was abused by despicable man and he assured her he had not been.

I was so grateful her son did not endure what my son had. I cannot even repeat the cruelty he inflicted upon such a sweet innocent boy at the tender age of 4, my son. Hearing from her brought back a wave of emotions and images that I cannot shake at the moment. I take comfort in knowing my son is healthy, happy, and that he is flourishing. 2 years later my son still remembers the horror he went through. It haunts me. He associates me with that horrible man in little ways. I hope in time, that will lessen.

Child abuse is disgusting. And sadly, people get away with it all the time, get a slap on the wrist. When I was going through group counseling to recognize the signs of abuse, all the women were in denial. They did not believe their “boyfriend/spouse” was abusing their child. I was the only person in the group who knew it was despicable man and made clear that it was.

I am mad they didn’t have enough evidence to arrest him for my sons abuse… but I am happy too. Why? Because what he did after sent him to federal prison for 15 years. He robbed banks, and restaurants and did not get away with it.

Justice sometimes comes back around… maybe not in the way we would like. For child abuse, he would have had a light sentence, for armed robbery, 15 yrs is wonderful.

But why my son? I ask that question all the time. Why my precious little boy?

Traveling in these wicked twists and turns in my head,

How has this happened? I would love to find,

A most comfortable place to rest my mind.

Hide.

These winding turns, alluring as they my be,

I do not want to pick this ugly fight.

Though you hold me hostage, with strength and might.

I Fight.

I have begged for your unearned trust.

You leave invisible ransom notes,

Promises. Just as invisible. Sinking boat.

Yet I float.

I cannot make happen, what will not be.

I cannot force this aching heart, to feel,

That which will not, cannot be real.

I heal.

© bipolarmuse 2012

Masquerade Mask

Lost and empty, yet a full room of faces.

A fake smile, a masquerade mask.

Hiding behind tears, never to truly reveal

Exactly who I am.

Embarked on many adventures, had many plans

I got myself into a slump,

Taking on changes I couldn’t handle.

Now I endure these bruises, nurse these lumps,

Find some way to pull myself out of

This sadness, fear, this self inflicted slump.

I just can not get things out of my head.

Over and over my wicked mind spins,

Engulfing me in its dangerous web.

Again, Again, and again.

© Bipolarmuse 2012

All comments would be appreciated. ♥

I know I have mentioned Matisyahu and added a link to his amazing cover of Bob Marleys Redemption Song,

But I would like to mention him once more. I cannot get enough of this artist. He is a unique individual with a very interesting story.

He mixes up his music with a bit of rock, reggae, and beatboxing, he is a very talented artist. Very fascinating and captivating. After rebelling from his faith  he got mixed up in drugs and traveled as a Phish follower… then he pulled it together and is now back into his religious roots. Not only does he do some covers, he also has is own music.

Here is Matisyahus cover of Use Somebody by Kings Of Leon.

It is a bit long because he does a couple short narratives about why he covered this song.

I literally wake up with his rendition of Redemption Song. Amazing how an artist can touch you.

Here is his cover of Redemption Song… it is long as well, so I apologize for the 15 minutes it will take you to get through this post. 

I hope you enjoy his style as much as I do. ♥

1. Thank the person who nominated you

2. There is no limit to how many fellow bloggers you can nominate so go crazy

3. Share some things about you but alphabetically just a word or two about you starting with each alphabet. (Or alternatively, just write the first word you think of.)

So this is what I have chosen to describe me.

A – Attitude
B – Believer
C – Cautious
D – darn crazy
E – Extraordinary
F – Fighter
G – Glitter
H – Heartfelt
I – Irreplaceable
J – Jolly
K – Kinetic
L – Loving
M – Meek
N – Nervous
O – Open
P – Passive
Q – Quick
R – Rowdy
S – Sacrifice myself for others
T – Troubled
U – Unusual
V – Victorious
W – wax and wane
X – Xanax
Y – Youthful
Z – Zealous

And here are my nominations for the award, no particular order:

Julie Catherine

thepoeticgoblin

Stronghold

alltheavenueslookugly

Today in Heritage History

Stop by them, read and enjoy!!!

The first award is the Versatile Blogger Award.

Thank you so much Gjscobie for thinking of me for this award. It is always an honor and blessing to be recognized by my fellow blogger friends and I am always humbled by the love shown here. 

The rules for the Versatile Blogger Award are :

1. Nominate 15 fellow bloggers. (I may deviate from this one a little).

2. Inform the bloggers of their nomination. (I shall try hard to do so).

3. Share 7 random things about yourself.

4. Thank the blogger who nominated you.

5. Add the Versatile Blogger Award pic on your blog post.

Seven random/interesting/fun things about me:

I love red wine

I am from Las Vegas (lucky me) 

I am almost completely gray headed though I am not “old”. LOL. But my kids say I am old.

I waited on Britney Spears, her Mom, Sister, and Brother in Vegas. She didn’t tip well.

I wish vampires were real, I would be one. And not prey on humans. hahaha. Unless they are bad humans.

I couldn’t sleep last night.

I bite my nails and hate it.

**Nominations are at the end of this post.**

I was also nominated for the Liebster blog award and must THANK Gjscobie and also42nd Chance.

I must say that each time my blog is nominated, I am not happy for my “self” per say, but that my blog and my writings are most definitely touching the hearts of those who read. I am happy that through this forum, I can speak openly and honestly about my disorders, all the while throwing some poetry in the mix. 

*Liebster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favourite’ & the idea of the Liebster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers all in the spirit of gathering more connections

Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.
Reveal your top picks for the award and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
Post the award on your blog.
Bask in the love from the most supportive people on the blogsphere – other bloggers.
And, best of all – have fun and spread the karma.*

Here are my nominations for both the versatile blogger and Liebster award… of coarse in no particular order.  I tried to choose new peeps as it gets very difficult to not “renominate” blogs. These are blogs I like to pay close attention to, that I believe I have not passed an award on to. If I have, please forgive me… lol… my memory is shot.

Closer To The Middle

Seasons Chane and Change and Change

alltheavenueslookugly

awakeningpsyche

Sherline’s watchu Thinkin’ Blog

One Mere Mortal

Picnic With Ants

Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars

Ernest Hemingway

So much truth to this wonderful quote from Hemingway, a very troubled man himself.

I feel like a great deal of my writing comes from pain and my poetry is a release from that pain that builds up. My poetry comes from a sad place that has always resided with me. Sadly, melancholy has had a place with me longer than happiness and I have come to a point in my life where a change must take place, and it is a change I am continually working on.

I was once told by a very brilliant woman that I did not suffer from a broken heart, but rather a bleeding heart. Broken could be fixed, bleeding is another matter in itself. I believe her point was that I feel pain with magnified senses. My normal mental pain is similar to what a person goes through when they grieve for a loss. They grieve during times when grief is expected. My grieving is constant.

When I was in therapy, my therapist was speechless over my intense pain. Pain that should have lessened over time but that still hung on to me like it happened two minutes ago. The wounds were always fresh. She told me I was in a constant state of grief. That is when I began learning about mindfulness and skills to help me to keep my emotions in a more acceptable, less painful range.

To my fellow writers, May we continue to sit at our keyboards and “bleed”. I believe it is healing and makes for beautiful works. ♥

Everything I touch, even in loving kindness…

To dust it turns. Never to be in original form again.

The devastation too great, melancholy relentless.

There is a certain truth in “Ignorance is Bliss”.

~

I gasp, I tremble, I undoubtedly cry.

Trying dauntlessly to prevent this sand…

From slipping through my fingers. Holding tight.

There is no holding it, it seeps through my grasp.

~

I stare longingly at that sandy floor.

Collecting all the broken, to put it back in place.

However, this devil in me, an old friend for sure,

Allows me not. For the devil enjoys this relentless pain.

© bipolormuse 2012