I dedicate this song to him… it was a favorite of his. He had a superman tattoo (please keep the chuckles to a minimum)… and I vividly remember when he got it done and showed it to me. He got it bellow his belt line… need I say more?? Needless to say I punched him right in the same spot. Yes, he evoked violence in me.

So… here is to you Brandon… Kryptonite…. Three Doors Down.

“Life lives, life dies. Life laughs, life cries. Life gives up and life tries. But life looks different through everyone’s eyes.” ~ Unknown

Meet B. As you can tell, this photo is not in the best quality at all. Sadly… I barely have any pictures of him left. 3 to be exact and the other 2 are with his son, so though they are better pictures, out of respect to others, I felt a pic of B by himself is the best option.

It is funny… in this picture he clearly smokes, but after he and I started dating, he never smoked…at least not to my knowledge. LOL.

This day, May 29th, is the 10 year anniversary of his suicide. He died sometime at night (details are now fuzzy), but the 30th is the day I found out and the 30th marks the day my world drastically changed for me mentally.

I hope he has found the peace he was always searching for. I hope his pain is gone and that his mind, heart, and soul is healed.

♥

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Bipolarmuse♥ Left With Wondering Why

** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **

World globe (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

To you… my world I give.

I am the Grinch when it comes to Christmas… yet this year feels a bit different.

B and I have had the money to get gifts for both our families and it hasn’t been stressful at all.

My stress comes when I try to figure out what to get B. What do you get someone who essentially has had everything. It feels like an impossible task.

What am I to give this man who I adore? This man that drives me absolutely nuts…

I have already proposed to him and we are beginning to plan the wedding… but for a gift, I am baffled.

I know…. I have the only thing he has never been given.

~~~~~~~~

I wait anxiously for B to set out our gifts.

I get lost in his movements, in his eyes, his voice. He is dressed well… wearing a sweater that I love. His cologne fills the air and I am just sickly in love with this man.

I stare at him as he grabs the main gift I have gotten for him.

He stares at it oddly for a moment and then reads the tag aloud…

- To you… My world I give. I love you B. -

He looks at me and then unwraps the gift.

His eyes start to brim with tears… he looks at me, his hands slightly trembling.

In his hands he holds a Globe. My world.

~ Yes, B. To you, my world I give. ~

© bipolarmuse 2012

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“…love is a chemical imbalance, too. That perilous highs and desperate lows and extravagant flurries of mood are not always symptoms of a broken mind, but signs of a beating heart.” Terri Cheney

Absolutely! So how do we know when one begins and the other ends?

Life is suppose to come with ups and downs… that is life. Being blue/melancholy is a normal response to sad events… even to change in general. Anyone with a beating heart will experience the highs and lows of life. So why are some people different.

My therapist explained that we feel in different degrees. That most people respond to sadness and happiness to a certain degree within a certain range, and then others with mood disorders have a hyper-sensed sadness and happiness that goes beyond the normal range. We go above and beyond the norms.

 To separate the normal swings from the abnormal can at times be difficult to differentiate.

And so I just live.

This is who I am.

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I would love your input on what I am choosing. First off, keep in mind that my main goal for this book is to have it on my own shelf and  if anyone ever purchased it, that would just be a bonus to me.

My plan is to have the book in a “landscape” format, and to add some pictures to certain poems. I want this book to be more of a “coffee table” style book. The cost for a hardback is considerably higher.

So I guess my questions are:

If you purchased a poetry book… would you enjoy the different size? Landscape verses square?

Would it matter if it were a soft cover?

Would you enjoy it being a small number of pages (say 28 pages, have to end on an even number because I am odd like that)?

I want the book to feel “intimate” if that makes any sense.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. 

Did you fly through the magnificent sky?

Touch every star, a-twinkle, in your reach.

Imagine heaven was found in your eyes,

A most beautiful flight, one made of dreams.

~~~~

Drowning as you swim through a million tears.

Hushed whispers of dreams never to be met.

Will you look upon me and see my fears?

Whisper in my ear, give me hope instead?

~~~~

Passing Jupiter with Saturn in view.

Flying past Neptune, heaven is your mark.

Praying for your soul to be cleansed anew.

Riding to the soft glow of light afar.

~~~~

Touch my dreams with your kindness and your love.

Sit on stars and shine as I gaze above.

© bipolarmuse 2012

It’s odd how a poem I don’t care for very much will be a favorite among readers… LOL. So I may add to this list. These are some of my favs though.

If you have time, I would love feedback. If not… that is cool too.  I know this is time consuming.

Your New Soft Soul

Show Me

Your are courageous yet soft, dark yet lovely

Fire Inside

Ransom Notes

Changes

Goodbye

Precarious

Your Voice Sings To Me

Are you in My World?

With Equal Fervor

Never Away From You

Charmed

Dreamland

Did You

I have this old collection

Not One Can See

Don’t

Magical Puppeteer

Release

Meet Me There

Lost Identity

** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **

***WARNING!!! Disturbing content!!!***

Maybe It Would Be Best

B walks into my work and orders a beer.

Something is clearly wrong… he is agitated… eyes darting frantically around… he look like he is mourning, upset, disturbed.

I walk over to him…

~ Hi baby, what are you doing here? ~

He smirks… but it is a different smirk than normal.

- I killed your cat. -

I stand there staring at him. This is the second cat…. actually kitten… that he has killed.

I am speechless.

My face is becoming hot and my hands are shaking.

~ How the fuck did you kill my cat? Please tell me it was an accident… ~

- I had the sliding glass door open and went to slam it shut, and the cat darted toward the door and the door crushed it. It just went limp. -

I am ILL. I feel like throwing up… partially because my cat is dead but even worse, because I didn’t believe it was an accident.

I say nothing to him and walk away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I get home from work and notice one of our towels laying on the sidewalk. My stomach churns. I walk past it and go into our apartment.

B is still not acting right… it is almost frightening.

~ Why is there a towel on the sidewalk? ~

B is trembling, yet he cackles.

- That’s as far as I got with the cat… it’s wrapped in the towel. I was taking it to the dumpster but I couldn’t make it. -

Tears are in his eyes. I feel NO sympathy for him.

~ You had to have done it on purpose B… ~

He stares at me. That odd smirk on his face… tears in his eyes.

- I crushed its throat with my hand. -

OH MY GOD.

With his own hands??

What type of man is this??

If he is capable of killing animals, what else is he capable of??

I am not sticking around… this relationship is over… maybe it would be best if he committed suicide…

Could he kill a person??

Yes, maybe suicide would be best…

© bipolarmuse 2012

I know I have written of this before but I wanted to mention it again.

I just went through my spam folder and found 8 comments from bloggers who follow my blog. This royally ticks me off.

So… if any of you commented on a post and then didn’t see it there… the spam monster got it.

While I appreciate the filtering, I get upset to see these comments from legit bloggers being thrown to the spam monster.

I guess going through it daily may be beneficial.

Just wanted to share!

I go through these little phases where I feel unproductive and sluggish. I may begin to write a post but then just save it as a draft because I am not “feeling” what I am writing. Then on another day I am overly productive and I bring out previous drafted posts and wind up publishing too many in a single day.

I do realize that some of the things I am writing about is sad. This month and next month are difficult times for me… and made more difficult by some changes coming up in my life.

Have no fear though! I am certainly not down in a serious slump and I will return back to a more “normal” bipolarmuse shortly. 

If you read anything from yesterday… read my poem Release. I am most certainly proud of this.

I know the story about B can be mentally draining because it is so sad… so I understand if it isn’t your cup of tea. However, writing this out has been amazing for me. I feel a little relieved each day that I write about my experience.

And forgive me if I over publish again today… I think I am just in one of those moods. 

“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.”

Kahlil Gibran quotes

Enough said…

** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **

Kiss Him Goodbye

I finally get a grip on myself. I must. I have no choice.

I walk closer to his casket and I am trembling.

The closer I get the more it looks as though he is sleeping. I have seen that sleeping silhouette in life…and now I get to see it in his death.

I get up to him and people have put things in his casket to be buried with him. I have nothing to put in. I really wish I had some watermelon flavored bubble gum at this moment. That is what I would give him. Silly, I know.

I stare at his chest… begging God to let me see him breathe… yet he is still. I am BEGGING for this to be a prank… a joke that B would love to pull.

I rub his arms… I can feel the hair, which would royally piss him off because he always kept them shaved. **smile**

I stare at his face… his lips… his forehead.

I thought he looked amazing, considering.

A woman who loved him long before I did wanted to speak to me. She is the mother of his son…

We sit to the side in private.

- He really loved you. -

All I can do is cry.

Here is this beautiful woman who has loved him many more years than I have, and she wants me to know he truly loved me.

Such a beautiful gesture.

I thank her… profusely.

My mind is blank… I can’t form any thoughts.

I just want him to stand up and cackle, and say “GOTCHA”… I wait for it as though it is a possibility.

His Dad calls me over to his casket.

We both stand there… silent… staring down at his first born child…

He breaks the silence…

- Kiss him goodbye. -

And so I did. I kissed his forehead with my tears falling onto his face.

~ Goodbye B…sleep tight. ~ Godspeed…sweet dreams.

© bipolarmuse 2012

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However, when he passed away, I was hurled right back into the relationship. All of a sudden I hadn’t lost an “ex” but rather my “fiance”. I was catapulted back into the relationship and rubbed raw by all the emotions of what we went through together. His death opened old wounds and gave me new ones. Life all of a sudden became “before he died” and “After he died”… it was a pivoting point in my life.

This song came out not long after he passed… and I felt like it was a soundtrack to my life in that moment.

It speaks for itself.

You are burned into my mind…

 with a searing heat, relentless.

Always meant to be mine…

Though I tried with might

to release you.

You invade my land of dreams…

with visions of love

You will never release me…

You held to a promise

I never thought you would.

Violate me with your love…

You dance behind my eyes

Leaving no place to run…

Held for ransom

With no way of paying.

© bipolarmuse 2012

This was inspired by B. He has been on my mind a-lot and has been visiting me in my dreams.

6 days until the anniversary of his death.

Photographer: Ekaterina Grishekina

Bright eyes held to mine

Your soul peers deeply through me

Not old, instead new

© bipolarmuse 2012