I Would Like a “Pause” Please.

Oh my.

Life has been so very hectic as of late and I have so many posts I want to make, so many topics I want to talk about, and yet I feel as though I have NO time whatsoever to spare to do so!


I must happily tell you that I have moved into my new house (new to me anyhow), and am now completely flustered trying to get everything in its rightful place. Everything else will either be thrown away, or it will be donated… I can see the beginnings of a “hoarder” and I must nip it in the bud NOW! LOL. I refuse to be the cra cat lady, living with her dead husband and pets, all 199 of em (pets, not husbands, wink wink, I think)…. walking through the garbage bin of a house… pissing off neighbors, and having my children refusing to come visit me. I will not become her.


What can I tell you about the new home?? It is so cozy to me… my personal castle…I literally get little flutters in my tummy when I am driving home because I love the way I feel when I am here… I love it so much. It is home to me… it is soothing… it is where I feel completely content… this is a new phase in my life and I feel this subtle hum of energy that is insanely addicting. It feels so wonderful to feel like this. No doubt that part of the reason I feel so great is that my little ones will be here in a couple weeks!!!!!! I am excited beyond explanation! I feel on top of the world!!!!!

In a matter of days I will have all of my children here… sharing this new home that I absolutely LOVE… sharing my love with not only my children, but also with this amazing man who has kept me on my toes in love for nearly three years now… we are going to be making lasting memories here in my castle, enjoying this amazing backyard… creating memories, these moments, little bits of life to live in our minds and our hearts ~ FOREVER~

myBackyardYo©bipolarmuse 2015

A Busy Muse On The Move!

Time has slipped by me, as it normally does when I am busy with that little thing called “life”. My wonderful man, S/O, Boyfriend, life-long mate… who I affectionately refer to as “Daddy Long Schlong” with a giggle… has bought us a new home! For several years, we have been living in an awesome 2 bedroom condo, but we have certainly outgrown it this last year… and I expressed the crazy-intense desire to “move”. So after much discussion, we decided to get a house and rent out our condo. EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (that is my happy squeal)!!!

In about a weeks time, we found the house that was “home”. We looked at several properties, most were “ok”, and a couple we did like and would have settled for… then we came across our “home”. We were already in the area, as we had looked at about 4-5 houses in that housing community alone, and when we pulled up, I noticed the “tidy” front yard, and the US flag blowing in the breeze. It felt promising, and I was already forming a positive feeling for the home. Then we walked through the front door…

I knew instantly… I was “home”.

I felt as though I didn’t even need to look any further, this was the house I wanted, this was where I felt instantly that I was home. All the little things that ‘irk’ me about other houses we looked at, those little things were not seen… it all felt perfect.

Not only was the house very “cozy”, but the backyard was amazing, and very park-like. We fell in love with it instantly! It’s the type of place where you WANT to spend all of your time… the patio is also an observation deck… the stairs had been removed, but we fully intend to get new ones and take advantage of the amazing view of the night sky. We live on the outskirts of town, and it is the perfect place to sit, sip wine, and gaze out into the night… or, watch the fireworks as they are exploding into the night on the 4th of July. (I fully intend to get pictures of that this year from the observation deck, so I will post those to share with all of you.)

Be patient with me… all of this has made me very busy! This weekend we start moving in!!! But first we need to start off by cleaning it top to bottom, steaming the carpet, painting the rooms, and etc… you get what I’m sayin’… and doing tiny repairs. All the while, I have to also get the condo ready for renting it out. I am a very busy Muse…  VERY BUSY.

I can’t wait to share this adventure with you all!

I hope you all are having an awesome Spring! Thank you for riding along on this adventure with me… I will certainly keep you posted…

I am also staying keenly aware of how I am doing mentally. We all know that even those good life events can be the cause of a Bipolar “episode“… yes, I am being honest. This is certainly No joke what-so-ever. It is just the way it is. So I am staying ever observant of how I am feeling, what my thought processes are, and ever-so-important, what is my quality of sleep. To the normal peeps out there, that may sound odd, but sleep is insanely important for every single one of us… even more-so for those of us with mood disorders. Have you noticed how at every single one of your doctor appointments, they ask you how your sleep is? It is CRA IMPORTANT. Research it yourself… Knowledge is power!!


Here’s a couple pictures of our new home I want to share with you…

1526917_P01_75 1526917_R01_12Both pics are of the backyard. One is looking from the back of the yard toward the house, and the other is from the house, looking toward the very back of the backyard.

ourfirsthomeAwe, our first home together! Not fond of the all brown, but that is easily fixed (insert a winking emoticon here) … add a little paint… and presto!

Thank you all for all the love and support! I could never thank you all enough for the wise words you share with me… you always remind me that sharing my world is the right path… you are my inspiration, whether you know it or not. Our relationship is important to me! Please feel free to write to me, whether it’s a simple comment, or you feel the need to reach out in an email. I am always here… always listening… ALWAYS.

“…keep ajar the door that leads into madness…”~ Christopher Morley


I have made posts before where I mention the connection between “madness” being hand in hand with mood disorders, and artistic talents.

Granted, not everyone who is Bipolar has talents like that… many cannot hold a tune when it comes to singing, cannot play musical instruments, cannot write music or poetry… I am sure you get my point here.

In my case, I was lucky enough to have talent when it comes to singing and writing. I do not have an amazing voice, but I can hold a tune. I also loved music… passionately!! I would spend hours upon hours memorizing songs to sing… singing into my Karaoke machine… writing new songs… I was a total homebody, often in my own fantasy world, writing music and songs hour after hour, day after day. It was my happy place.

I tend to write more when I am mentally ‘unwell’. I am not sure why that happens to be the case, but it is. I can totally see the pattern. My ‘muses’ tend to be in a love affair with my ‘madness’. Am I out of my mind, in a corner, drooling on myself?? Or in 4 day old clothes, standing on a busy corner, screaming to anyone who looks at me about Gods love, and the imminent ‘end of the world’? No. Fortunately, that is not my “type” of madness.

Mine is subtle. Mine can be mute. Mine can be woven intricately with my core beliefs, my personal reality. Taunting me. Causing me to question my most personal thoughts, tainting my positivity with some sort of doubt. My madness plays a psychological chess mind fuck with ‘me’. But I am privy to its ways. I am not always in control of it, but I am Master over it, and I will always win… no matter the war it inflicts upon me, no matter what it does to TRY and destroy me… it won’t. It cannot.

I will ALWAYS win. ♥

©bipolarmuse 2015

“Whose The Queen?!” My Dear Sister, YOU Are. ♥

queenMy beautiful sister…

I have a sister 4yrs younger than me. She is beautiful, and has a heart of gold. I absolutely adore her… and though I am the oldest, I look to her as a positive influence, as an example to follow… I strive to be like her.

When we were young, it seemed as though I was favored because I resembled my Mom and her side of the family… whereas my sister resembled our Dad and his side of the family, and they were not liked at all.

I know it was not intentional by any means, but my poor sister had to endure hearing of how our Dad was hated, how he was all bad (along with his family),  and then in the same breath, hearing, “you look just like your Dad”. I can’t imagine the pain she felt when hearing this, the conflict it caused in her head… no doubt taking it to mean that she too wasn’t liked as much. A “guilty by association” type of thing. As a youngster, I did not think anything of it. In my brain, I was the oldest and had certain privileges with that, and she was the youngest, and being the “baby” came with it’s own little bag of goodies. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized some of the damage that may have been done by “words” spoken as I mention above.

Of course, I do know that it wasn’t done maliciously… I KNOW this. However, I am sure that even-though it was not intended to hurt her, I am sure it did. And I am quite sure it left some deep wounds carried over from her childhood into her adulthood.

I so loved my sister from the very moment she was born… though I do admit I was insanely jealous of her. She was feisty and she loved to be surrounded by others. She was outgoing, she loved to have friends around… and she had an adorable sense of style that got better as she got older. She had this amazing olive toned skin that stayed just a tiny bit tan year round, and if she did get out in the sun, she was beautifully sun”kissed”. In many ways, I was the opposite… I so loved my alone time, listening to music, writing poetry, and singing. It worked out perfectly because we shared a bedroom, and we actually shared a bed… so since I was a homebody, it worked great that she was not. And sadly, I did not have that olive tone skin that I envied her for! —- Just a side note… The differences are there even as we age. I take after Mom’s side and have grayed prematurely and am nearly completely white headed… NO JOKE! Lol, I am literally approx 80% white headed. Whereas my sister, having taken after Dad’s side, she has gorgeous dark hair, and while she does have some gray… I don’t think she would be considered even 10% gray. Lucky girl!! xo—-

We got into some fights (we’re sisters sharing a small amount of space… it is only natural for us to fight), and when I think about it, some of those fights absolutely shame me… what on earth would validate fighting someone I adore who is four years younger?? I don’t know why we would get into fights, or rather, what would trigger them, all I know is that we did.  I love my sister to death and there’s so many times I wish I could go back in time so I could fix the wrongs. Hurtful things were said, things that no doubt stick in her head, more-so than mine I’m sure. She did not deserve that.

One thing that is a vivid memory is that we use to grab the skin under our chins, (yes, the good ol’ gobble gobbler) and we would squeeze it so hard while saying to each other back and forth, “Whose the Queen?! Whose the Queen!?” We would pinch and squeeze and pull, and repeat those words until one of us caved in and tapped out so to speak… uttering “You are! You are the Queen!” Most times I would win, I was older, I was stronger, but there were times where she would win and then I would start it all over again to redeem myself.

My sister remembers this, and I found out a few years ago that playing that little so called “game” really hurt her… and much more so on a mental level. When she mentioned that, I apologized immediately for hurting her… and it hurts my heart still to know it hurt her in that way. We never speak about the past much, she doesn’t remember much, and I remember too much and wish I didn’t.

I love my sister…

I love her so much!!

As adults, we have come to have a much better friendship, and my love and respect for her continues to grow.

Growing up, it seemed that I would be successful and have my shit together. But, that has not proven to be the case. Though my sister had a bumpy start, she managed to go back to school for a career in the medical field. That was something I had wanted for myself, but never made it, dropping out of school a couple times and never earning a degree, certificate, or anything at all. Yet she accomplished that.

I am sooooooooooooooo proud of her hard work.

On top of that, she married and had children, and when her relationship failed, she walked away with her children and has never had to learn to live without her babies as I have experienced in my life. She has all of her children in her care… I envy that the most… but she has worked very hard to be where she is in her life, and it makes my heart swell with so much love and adoration.

In short, I am sorry my amazing sister… you deserved a better sister growing up… I hope that I have been able to make up for that, and I will continue growing… continue to make our relationship better, stronger, more loving and caring… I love you more than I can express… I adore you my seester!! Forever and evermore.





Always have been.


©bipolarmuse 2015

Teased Hair, Plastic Bracelets, & ‘Like A Virgin’… Missin’ the 80’s


I was so in love with Madonna during the 80’s. I absolutely loved to sing, and music was a big deal to me as far back as I can remember. I would memorize her songs and belt them out no matter who was listening. During this time, I was living with my Mom… and we happened to live with my grandparents. My Nann and Gramps were awesome, and aside from my Mom, (who was a young mother and usually a single one) they took care of us… they really were considered 2nd parents to me and my little sister.

Imagine my Gramps horror, as I (a pre-teen young girl just starting to “blossom”, and wearing a training bra) belted out, loud and clear, “LIKE A VIRGIN, touched for the very first time, like a vir-rrr-rrr-rrrgin, hey!” as I swung at my tether-ball, with the neighborhood kids (mostly boys), hanging out… and my little sister, not even school age, close by rollerskating on the enclosed covered patio… humming along with my ‘Like a Virgin’ rendition as she skated around in her adorable iceskating skirt, doing a little “roller-dance”. Hahahaha!! I am sure you can imagine how upset he was…and keep in mind that my Gramps was a very patient man, and it was very rare that his feathers got ruffled up… so I knew this was a big deal coming from him.

So, the next thing I know, I was told by my Nanny and my Mom, that I could not sing that song anymore… and I was given a new Madonna album, well actually, it was a NEW Madonna tape, hahaha yep… you read that correctly.

So, what did I do?? What any other Madonna adoring pre-teen would do, of course!!! I immediately started memorizing both the A and B side of the tape. I was lucky because we also had “cable” and I was able to watch MTV… back when MTV was what it said it was, “Music Television”, playing music video after music video, non-stop… and along with music videos like “Dress You Up”, and good ol’ “Material Girl”, I got to see “Papa Don’t Preach” for the first time. It became my favorite instantly!

So ‘Like A Virgin’ was replaced… much to my Gramps dismay, with my new favPapa Don’t Preach“… LMAO!!!!

I think at that point, he simply gave up.

I wanted to be Madonna. Seriously though… who wouldn’t?! As soon as possible, I collected bunches of plastic bracelets… and purposely wore clothes that didn’t match well. Sadly, that was the extent of my 80’s fashion (unless you count the teased sky high hair bangs kept frozen in place with some Aqua Net,meh- don’t judge me)… that era would pass me by, and at the very end, my hormones kicked in…

oh boy…

and with those devilish hormones, I welcomed 1990 with a new love~~~

the boy band “the New Kids On the Block”.

Ohhhhhhh yessssss.

They took over every thought in my head. Replacing my fantasies of being Madonna… and becoming my first celebrity crush.


I still would have liked to be Madonna… but now for a totally different reason.

I wanted to be her, because duuhh, surely their number was on her speed dial.

And if it wasn’t…

Well, she should make that shit happen!

I know I would of.


I think I should have an 80’s themed party very soon.

Hmmmmm… we just bought a new house… maybe I can have an 80’s themed house-warming party!!??!!

Oh yea… it is ON.

Like Donkey Kong… which is another 80’s thing…  wink wink.

©bipolarmuse 2015

Am I This Fat and Ugly, or Is It My Hypothyroid?



Years ago, I had a nodule on my right thyroid. Well, actually, I had a nodule on BOTH the right and left of my thyroid… but the right was twice as big, and the concern at that time.

Needless to say, I had to have a fine needle biopsy.

♥ Happily, it was benign. No probelm.♥

A couple years passed, and the nodules grew. Once again, the right side was the concern. Since I was having so many problems with it, I opted for the removal of the right side. My other option was to do another biopsy, and then based on the results, surgery. It had grown significantly… I didn’t want to deal with it anymore… so I chose to go ahead and do the surgery. Take that babay out!!

That turned out to be the best choice. No, it was not cancerous. However, what it was would have been grounds to turn around and perform the surgery to remove it… so I skipped a step, and was a step ahead.

It turned out being a benign “follicular adenoma”… which apparently cannot be ruled “benign” by just a sample provided by the process of “fine needle aspiration”… they needed to see the tumor, and the surrounding tissue, to be able to make a proper diagnosis… to rule out the big C.

So as a whole, I saved myself a “hole”… HAHAHA.

I was told that my left thyroid would step up and function for the right that was removed… and it certainly did. I had ZERO problems with it even years after my surgery. Then, a stupid medication jacked it up… grrrrrrrrr.

I had a series of mental breakdowns, and was put on lithium to battle my bipolar disorder. The combination was actually Lithium, Depakote, and Wellbutrin… with Klonopin to help with panic attacks, overall anxiety, and insomnia. This combo killed my thyroid! Well, at least the Lithium did. }:/    I went into a spiral of depression, and exhaustion… managing to get out of my pajama’s for about 4 hours of the day. My weight packed on in a matter of days…. literally….  I kid you not. I went from 118lbs (my norm on my petite frame), to 155lbs in about a months time, IF that long. Even though that weight packed on quickly and easily, getting it off was a totally different story. It took time… lots of it… and a shit-ton of effort. I see myself going down that path again… as my frame cannot handle this weight. So I have a new issue to handle… my weight… OOOOoooooo, and trust me, I don’t take this lightly. I cannot handle feeling so heavy, feeling so self-conscious, feeling ashamed and avoiding mirrors… and shaking my head at myself in disappointment when I do manage to catch a glimpse of my fat self. ~Sigh~

So since my thyroid has betrayed me… whether on its own, or with the assistance of the psych meds, I do not know… but the results are just the same. After another confirmation blood test, I will happily fill my script! In fact, I will make sure I have a bottle of water on hand so I can take the medicine instantly! Then, hopefully within a month or two, I will get back to my normal size and I will feel better about myself, maybe I will start feeling pretty again…

I hope…

I miss feeling pretty.




©bipolarmuse 2015



Ha! Love this new blog… cracks me up, and I think the writer is possibly disturbed…. just a little…

Originally posted on bfkm1:

The Bitch… No its not  a/my bitch. I have multiple firearms but the bitch is my favorite. Along with the only firearm I have named. The Bitch, I thought was a name appropriate moniker to any one or any thing on the business end of her (yes I anthropomorphize a lot, but not of a child like quality). She is my firearm to replace all firearms in my meager arsenal. Short barreled for close quarter encounters, enough round capacities to not worry about vulnerabilities from constant magazine changes. Powerful enough to go the distance and shoot through pretty much anything I need it too without crazy custom rounds. I’ve read arguments against this rifle, mostly made by dried up old dick lickers lacking in experience, leading to even more of a lack of analytical thinking for an all, or when shit hits the fan gun. Once again, I tend to go on long tangents then remember my place…

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A Poetic Memoir Of My Journey Through Life


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