A little Kryptonite
I don’t want to beat it like a dead horse… but today will be dedicated to B… real name Brandon. There, I said it. I feel such a release just saying his name. This man produced unimaginable feelings in me and still does.
I dedicate this song to him… it was a favorite of his. He had a superman tattoo (please keep the chuckles to a minimum)… and I vividly remember when he got it done and showed it to me. He got it bellow his belt line… need I say more?? Needless to say I punched him right in the same spot. Yes, he evoked violence in me.
So… here is to you Brandon… Kryptonite…. Three Doors Down.
Meet B
Meet B. As you can tell, this photo is not in the best quality at all. Sadly… I barely have any pictures of him left. 3 to be exact and the other 2 are with his son, so though they are better pictures, out of respect to others, I felt a pic of B by himself is the best option.
It is funny… in this picture he clearly smokes, but after he and I started dating, he never smoked…at least not to my knowledge. LOL.
This day, May 29th, is the 10 year anniversary of his suicide. He died sometime at night (details are now fuzzy), but the 30th is the day I found out and the 30th marks the day my world drastically changed for me mentally.
I hope he has found the peace he was always searching for. I hope his pain is gone and that his mind, heart, and soul is healed.
♥
Related articles:
Bipolarmuse♥ To you… My World I Give
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
World globe (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
To you… my world I give.
I am the Grinch when it comes to Christmas… yet this year feels a bit different.
B and I have had the money to get gifts for both our families and it hasn’t been stressful at all.
My stress comes when I try to figure out what to get B. What do you get someone who essentially has had everything. It feels like an impossible task.
What am I to give this man who I adore? This man that drives me absolutely nuts…
I have already proposed to him and we are beginning to plan the wedding… but for a gift, I am baffled.
I know…. I have the only thing he has never been given.
~~~~~~~~
I wait anxiously for B to set out our gifts.
I get lost in his movements, in his eyes, his voice. He is dressed well… wearing a sweater that I love. His cologne fills the air and I am just sickly in love with this man.
I stare at him as he grabs the main gift I have gotten for him.
He stares at it oddly for a moment and then reads the tag aloud…
- To you… My world I give. I love you B. -
He looks at me and then unwraps the gift.
His eyes start to brim with tears… he looks at me, his hands slightly trembling.
In his hands he holds a Globe. My world.
~ Yes, B. To you, my world I give. ~
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse♥ Maybe It Would Be Best (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Kiss Him Goodbye (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ – The Gun (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Wait It Out (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Great Lengths (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ GAME ON (bipolarmuse.com)
Love is a chemical imbalance…
“…love is a chemical imbalance, too. That perilous highs and desperate lows and extravagant flurries of mood are not always symptoms of a broken mind, but signs of a beating heart.” Terri Cheney
Absolutely! So how do we know when one begins and the other ends?
Life is suppose to come with ups and downs… that is life. Being blue/melancholy is a normal response to sad events… even to change in general. Anyone with a beating heart will experience the highs and lows of life. So why are some people different.
My therapist explained that we feel in different degrees. That most people respond to sadness and happiness to a certain degree within a certain range, and then others with mood disorders have a hyper-sensed sadness and happiness that goes beyond the normal range. We go above and beyond the norms.
To separate the normal swings from the abnormal can at times be difficult to differentiate.
And so I just live.
This is who I am.
Related articles
- Mood Disorders and the Artist (bipolarmuse.com)
- Random Possibilities (bipolarmuse.com)
Take Flight
Did you fly through the magnificent sky?
Touch every star, a-twinkle, in your reach.
Imagine heaven was found in your eyes,
A most beautiful flight, one made of dreams.
~~~~
Drowning as you swim through a million tears.
Hushed whispers of dreams never to be met.
Will you look upon me and see my fears?
Whisper in my ear, give me hope instead?
~~~~
Passing Jupiter with Saturn in view.
Flying past Neptune, heaven is your mark.
Praying for your soul to be cleansed anew.
Riding to the soft glow of light afar.
~~~~
Touch my dreams with your kindness and your love.
Sit on stars and shine as I gaze above.
© bipolarmuse 2012
List of Poems
These are the poems I decided to put into my poetry book. Thinking of adding a couple more… but still debating.
It’s odd how a poem I don’t care for very much will be a favorite among readers… LOL. So I may add to this list. These are some of my favs though. 
If you have time, I would love feedback. If not… that is cool too. 
I know this is time consuming.
Your are courageous yet soft, dark yet lovely
Bipolarmuse♥ Maybe It Would Be Best
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
***WARNING!!! Disturbing content!!!***
Maybe It Would Be Best
B walks into my work and orders a beer.
Something is clearly wrong… he is agitated… eyes darting frantically around… he look like he is mourning, upset, disturbed.
I walk over to him…
~ Hi baby, what are you doing here? ~
He smirks… but it is a different smirk than normal.
- I killed your cat. -
I stand there staring at him. This is the second cat…. actually kitten… that he has killed.
I am speechless.
My face is becoming hot and my hands are shaking.
~ How the fuck did you kill my cat? Please tell me it was an accident… ~
- I had the sliding glass door open and went to slam it shut, and the cat darted toward the door and the door crushed it. It just went limp. -
I am ILL. I feel like throwing up… partially because my cat is dead but even worse, because I didn’t believe it was an accident.
I say nothing to him and walk away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I get home from work and notice one of our towels laying on the sidewalk. My stomach churns. I walk past it and go into our apartment.
B is still not acting right… it is almost frightening.
~ Why is there a towel on the sidewalk? ~
B is trembling, yet he cackles.
- That’s as far as I got with the cat… it’s wrapped in the towel. I was taking it to the dumpster but I couldn’t make it. -
Tears are in his eyes. I feel NO sympathy for him.
~ You had to have done it on purpose B… ~
He stares at me. That odd smirk on his face… tears in his eyes.
- I crushed its throat with my hand. -
OH MY GOD.
With his own hands??
What type of man is this??
If he is capable of killing animals, what else is he capable of??
I am not sticking around… this relationship is over… maybe it would be best if he committed suicide…
Could he kill a person??
Yes, maybe suicide would be best…
© bipolarmuse 2012
Sorrow Unmasked
“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.”
Enough said…
Bipolarmuse♥ Kiss Him Goodbye
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Kiss Him Goodbye
I finally get a grip on myself. I must. I have no choice.
I walk closer to his casket and I am trembling.
The closer I get the more it looks as though he is sleeping. I have seen that sleeping silhouette in life…and now I get to see it in his death.
I get up to him and people have put things in his casket to be buried with him. I have nothing to put in. I really wish I had some watermelon flavored bubble gum at this moment. That is what I would give him. Silly, I know.
I stare at his chest… begging God to let me see him breathe… yet he is still. I am BEGGING for this to be a prank… a joke that B would love to pull.
I rub his arms… I can feel the hair, which would royally piss him off because he always kept them shaved. **smile**
I stare at his face… his lips… his forehead.
I thought he looked amazing, considering.
A woman who loved him long before I did wanted to speak to me. She is the mother of his son…
We sit to the side in private.
- He really loved you. -
All I can do is cry.
Here is this beautiful woman who has loved him many more years than I have, and she wants me to know he truly loved me.
Such a beautiful gesture.
I thank her… profusely.
My mind is blank… I can’t form any thoughts.
I just want him to stand up and cackle, and say “GOTCHA”… I wait for it as though it is a possibility.
His Dad calls me over to his casket.
We both stand there… silent… staring down at his first born child…
He breaks the silence…
- Kiss him goodbye. -
And so I did. I kissed his forehead with my tears falling onto his face.
~ Goodbye B…sleep tight. ~ Godspeed…sweet dreams.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse♥ Anywhere But Here (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ GAME ON (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Sweet Smile (bipolarmuse.com)
My Immortal- Evanescence
When B and I officially split up (we broke up several times and then got back together)… I felt like I walked away with my head held high, and that I had been “over” the relationship long before it was over.
However, when he passed away, I was hurled right back into the relationship. All of a sudden I hadn’t lost an “ex” but rather my “fiance”. I was catapulted back into the relationship and rubbed raw by all the emotions of what we went through together. His death opened old wounds and gave me new ones. Life all of a sudden became “before he died” and “After he died”… it was a pivoting point in my life.
This song came out not long after he passed… and I felt like it was a soundtrack to my life in that moment.
It speaks for itself.
Release
You are burned into my mind…
with a searing heat, relentless.
Always meant to be mine…
Though I tried with might
to release you.
You invade my land of dreams…
with visions of love
You will never release me…
You held to a promise
I never thought you would.
Violate me with your love…
You dance behind my eyes
Leaving no place to run…
Held for ransom
With no way of paying.
© bipolarmuse 2012
This was inspired by B. He has been on my mind a-lot and has been visiting me in my dreams.
6 days until the anniversary of his death.
New Soul – Haiku
Photographer: Ekaterina Grishekina
Bright eyes held to mine
Your soul peers deeply through me
Not old, instead new
© bipolarmuse 2012
Bipolarmuse♥ Anywhere But Here
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Anywhere But Here
He is gone. I know this. Feel this. But I need to see to believe this.
I am standing in the lobby of the funeral home with three of my closest friends. We are early… so nobody should really be here as the “viewing” isn’t until much later.
I need this alone time to process everything.
I feel calm as I look at the collage of photos that greet me at the door of the room where his viewing and funeral service will take place.
There is a silly picture of me plucking his eyebrows… yes, pluck like a chicken. **smile** Great memories.
The big door is open and I am ready. I have a friend on each arm and one leading the way.
I step through the door way and turn to the right…. I make it a few step and then I freeze up.
My knees are starting to buckle and I feel like my body is beginning to convulse from my feet up.
I see him. He is laying in a beautiful blue casket and from my distance, there is no doubt. There lies the man I proposed to, the man that broke my heart, the man that showed me crazy love, the man I spilled tears for, the man that I couldn’t save.
I start leaning back on the wall.
~ No, No, Nooooooooo. ~ I am crying. I can’t see.
Stars come into my view.
I hear a voice, B’s Dad, – Is that bipolarmuse? -
I hear a faint “yes”.
Then I see him and the sadness in his face as he tries to occupy himself while I had my meltdown.
I just want to go back home to Vegas and find B at our old apartment… this can’t be real. I am sure I will find him somewhere…anywhere but here.
Anywhere but here…
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse♥ Great Lengths (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Left With Wondering Why (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Wait It Out (bipolarmuse.com)
Bipolar Quote
“What most people call talent is our way to vent, and if we’re not discovered it will never pay the rent.”
― Stanley Victor Paskavich
LOL, isn’t that the truth. I love writing poetry, it is my passion and my therapy… but will probably never pay for rent.
Never say never though… who knows what life has in store!
That being said… our talents do provide a way to release our darkness, to reveal our minds.
That certainly is a beautiful gift.
All Around Me- Flyleaf
Just a little listening pleasure for today…
When this song came out, I immediately thought of B… the way he still seems to haunt me.
And I am sure he always will.
Lyrics are below. ↓
“All Around Me”
My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you
This fire rising through my being
Burning I’m not used to seeing you
I’m alive, I’m alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing
My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you
I’m alive
I’m alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing
So I cry
(Holy)
The light is white
(Holy)
And I see you
I’m alive
I’m alive
I’m alive
And I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing
Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healed
Bipolarmuse♥ Great Lengths
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Great Lengths
~ B, I think you have an infection. ~
I am looking at B’s hand, the one that is fucked up and had surgery. It is wrapped in gauze and somehow “set” so he couldn’t move his fingers.
There are red streaks leading up his arm from his hand and it feels very fevered.
An infection… from the mouth of another human…
Definitely not good. An infection of this caliber could be deadly if not treated quickly and aggressively.
Soooooo….On to the emergency room we go! Low and behold, he has a very bad infection that requires serious home care.
A Pic line is placed in his arm and it is highly disturbing to B.Partially because of the procedure itself and also where then end of the pic line is placed within his body. His eyes start to tear up… and he is holding back from crying.
Every miserable feeling this man has given me suddenly vanish and I am left with the love between us.
I just want to comfort him… help him heal… be there for him.
And I will be.
I now have the responsibility of giving him his IV antibiotics…
Every four hours.
Literally.
For a man so suicidal, it is amazing to see what lengths he goes to in order to preserve his life.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse♥ Have Some More (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ For Pills (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not With A 10 Foot Pole (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ I NEED HELP (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Wait It Out (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ GAME ON (bipolarmuse.com)
Did you ?
Did angels fall, one by one,
from the sky?
Or have the stars, each its own,
stop twinkling in your eyes?
Did the moon, in its soft glow,
fail to bring peace?
Did the calmness of night, so fair,
bring you to your knees?
Did you whisper of forever, not yours,
under moon beams and twinkles.
Did you promise your heart, treacherous,
not seeing that it is fickle?
Did you?
© bipolarmuse 2012
Counting The Days
I am counting the days…
accumulating the pain,
hidden in your wicked ways.
Can’t you play nice?
You tricked me already, twice…
choking on all your lies.
A tragic ending…
where there should have been a beginning.
I wake up forgetting.
© bipolarmuse 2012
“Broken”….
Such a great song… I love Seether and Amy Lee.
~ I wanna hold you high and steal your pain, away. ~
~ Cause I’m broken ~
Bipolarmuse♥ Have Some More
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Have Some More
I’m at the bar with J and getting more and more pissed off because I cannot get a hold of B.
At first his phone just rings and rings but now, NOW, it goes straight to voice mail. Lovely. I am the stalker girlfriend.
I am positive he is not where he says he is… OR with who.
I am trying really hard to be “un”psycho and everything is hitting my senses at once. I feel sick and can taste the smoke in the room… the beer is disgusting and making my stomach churn. Of course, these things never seem to bother me unless in a state of agitation.
HIGH agitation. This man crawls under my skin like army ants.
J can see I am about to lose it…
And I am.
B is going to pay because shit is going to hit the fan.
As I am contemplating what mean thing I shall do to him, my phone starts ringing.
It is B…. lucky him.
~ Where the fuck are you B? ~
- Baby girl, I’m at Thunderbird Hospital. I got into a fight with some fuck-wad and my hand is broken or some shit. You should have seen his face though! -
I am instantly pumped. I am anxious. I am pissed off …and now I know where to go to direct my anger..
To B… at the hospital.
We instantly jump in the car and go straight there.
I park and start walking up to the emergency exit. As I am approaching, B is making his way towards me.
- Baby giiiiirl, I love you. -
Clearly he is drunk and proud of himself for the fight.
I walk right up to him and punch him as hard as I can in the chest. Sounds like punching a watermelon.
~ You are a fucking idiot B. Where were you. Who were you with. Why didn’t you answer the phone? ~
B is just simply giddy about my violence… he feeds off of it. He is proud I hit him and turned on by it.
He cackles.
Once I am done with my fiasco, we head into the emergency room.
He has seriously fucked up his hand and will need surgery to repair it.
They will put metal rods and screws into his hand.
Just great B.
Here…. have some more pain pills.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Can you say Psycho?! (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ My Poison (bipolarmuse.com)
“What hurts you, blesses you…”
“What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.”
― Rumi
Even in pain, there are blessings to be seen, we just have to be willing to see what they are.
Life is seldom easy… explanations are sometimes difficult to understand… love sometimes takes an unexpected turn.
Through it all, there is light.
There’s a new door opened when one is closed. Find the positivity in the pain and dwell there instead of in the pain itself.
Life is a grand adventure… ride through the darkness on the light.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Rumi: Seeing The Unseen… (eof737.wordpress.com)
Mahatma Gandhi Quote
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
I adore this quote!
From a fellow blogger I have read that emotional intelligence is knowing that ” people don’t make you mad, sad, happy, etc” but rather… you choose to be such.
When we believe someone else is responsible for our feelings… we create more havoc and unnecessary pain for ourselves.
We have a knee jerk reaction when someone does not behave in the way that WE think they should.
Everyone is different and may not have the same views with you, so setting your expectations for yourself does not mean those expectations are the same for others.
This concept it spot on.
Nobody is responsible for how you feel.
Why allow others to be in control of your feelings… be in control yourself.
You alone are responsible for your own happiness and any other emotion you have.
Be gentle on yourself and be the master of your feelings.
♥
Bipolarmuse♥ WOW
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
WOW
Work is slow and I have been having a good time mingling with my customers, getting my hustle on… being a food server has its benefits.
I notice B’s family standing at the front of the restaurant, they are asking for me to be their server.
I love when they do that. They genuinely mean something to me and I am flattered when they come by and visit.
I sit down at their booth with them for a few minutes while taking their order.
- How you doing baby girl? -
This nickname is addictive apparently, because B’s Mom, my Aunt, and B all use it for me.
~ I have been good. Me and B have been doing well. ~ I lied. We were doing well under the circumstances of our relationship.
- Well we wanted to talk to you. -
Uh- Oh. This is either good or it is bad.
Anxiousness kicks in.
- We love how B has changed since you came into our lives. We love you and want you to marry him. -
I am floored. I had been thinking of proposing to him myself, but hadn’t gotten that far with the idea.
- We can help you guys get a house and with the wedding. B is such a different person with you and we welcome you into our family.
I pick my jaw up off the floor.
~ Wow, I am so happy that you feel this way. I have been thinking of marriage, and B and I have been talking about it a little. ~
- Well, just know that we want you as our daughter in law. -
This is epic, poetic. I have no words…
They cease from escaping my mouth.
All I know is…
WOW.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse ♥ The Ex… Pregnant? (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Left With Wondering Why (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Whata Ride (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Wait It Out (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Playboy (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ For Pills (bipolarmuse.com)
Changes ~ Haiku
Sorrow in my heart
Pain comes on the heel of change
In the rain I bloom
© bipolarmuse 2012
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
