Bipolarmuse♥ To you… My World I Give
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
World globe (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
To you… my world I give.
I am the Grinch when it comes to Christmas… yet this year feels a bit different.
B and I have had the money to get gifts for both our families and it hasn’t been stressful at all.
My stress comes when I try to figure out what to get B. What do you get someone who essentially has had everything. It feels like an impossible task.
What am I to give this man who I adore? This man that drives me absolutely nuts…
I have already proposed to him and we are beginning to plan the wedding… but for a gift, I am baffled.
I know…. I have the only thing he has never been given.
~~~~~~~~
I wait anxiously for B to set out our gifts.
I get lost in his movements, in his eyes, his voice. He is dressed well… wearing a sweater that I love. His cologne fills the air and I am just sickly in love with this man.
I stare at him as he grabs the main gift I have gotten for him.
He stares at it oddly for a moment and then reads the tag aloud…
- To you… My world I give. I love you B. -
He looks at me and then unwraps the gift.
His eyes start to brim with tears… he looks at me, his hands slightly trembling.
In his hands he holds a Globe. My world.
~ Yes, B. To you, my world I give. ~
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse♥ Maybe It Would Be Best (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Kiss Him Goodbye (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ – The Gun (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Wait It Out (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Great Lengths (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ GAME ON (bipolarmuse.com)
Bipolarmuse♥ Maybe It Would Be Best
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
***WARNING!!! Disturbing content!!!***
Maybe It Would Be Best
B walks into my work and orders a beer.
Something is clearly wrong… he is agitated… eyes darting frantically around… he look like he is mourning, upset, disturbed.
I walk over to him…
~ Hi baby, what are you doing here? ~
He smirks… but it is a different smirk than normal.
- I killed your cat. -
I stand there staring at him. This is the second cat…. actually kitten… that he has killed.
I am speechless.
My face is becoming hot and my hands are shaking.
~ How the fuck did you kill my cat? Please tell me it was an accident… ~
- I had the sliding glass door open and went to slam it shut, and the cat darted toward the door and the door crushed it. It just went limp. -
I am ILL. I feel like throwing up… partially because my cat is dead but even worse, because I didn’t believe it was an accident.
I say nothing to him and walk away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I get home from work and notice one of our towels laying on the sidewalk. My stomach churns. I walk past it and go into our apartment.
B is still not acting right… it is almost frightening.
~ Why is there a towel on the sidewalk? ~
B is trembling, yet he cackles.
- That’s as far as I got with the cat… it’s wrapped in the towel. I was taking it to the dumpster but I couldn’t make it. -
Tears are in his eyes. I feel NO sympathy for him.
~ You had to have done it on purpose B… ~
He stares at me. That odd smirk on his face… tears in his eyes.
- I crushed its throat with my hand. -
OH MY GOD.
With his own hands??
What type of man is this??
If he is capable of killing animals, what else is he capable of??
I am not sticking around… this relationship is over… maybe it would be best if he committed suicide…
Could he kill a person??
Yes, maybe suicide would be best…
© bipolarmuse 2012
Bipolarmuse♥ Kiss Him Goodbye
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Kiss Him Goodbye
I finally get a grip on myself. I must. I have no choice.
I walk closer to his casket and I am trembling.
The closer I get the more it looks as though he is sleeping. I have seen that sleeping silhouette in life…and now I get to see it in his death.
I get up to him and people have put things in his casket to be buried with him. I have nothing to put in. I really wish I had some watermelon flavored bubble gum at this moment. That is what I would give him. Silly, I know.
I stare at his chest… begging God to let me see him breathe… yet he is still. I am BEGGING for this to be a prank… a joke that B would love to pull.
I rub his arms… I can feel the hair, which would royally piss him off because he always kept them shaved. **smile**
I stare at his face… his lips… his forehead.
I thought he looked amazing, considering.
A woman who loved him long before I did wanted to speak to me. She is the mother of his son…
We sit to the side in private.
- He really loved you. -
All I can do is cry.
Here is this beautiful woman who has loved him many more years than I have, and she wants me to know he truly loved me.
Such a beautiful gesture.
I thank her… profusely.
My mind is blank… I can’t form any thoughts.
I just want him to stand up and cackle, and say “GOTCHA”… I wait for it as though it is a possibility.
His Dad calls me over to his casket.
We both stand there… silent… staring down at his first born child…
He breaks the silence…
- Kiss him goodbye. -
And so I did. I kissed his forehead with my tears falling onto his face.
~ Goodbye B…sleep tight. ~ Godspeed…sweet dreams.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse♥ Anywhere But Here (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ GAME ON (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Sweet Smile (bipolarmuse.com)
Release
You are burned into my mind…
with a searing heat, relentless.
Always meant to be mine…
Though I tried with might
to release you.
You invade my land of dreams…
with visions of love
You will never release me…
You held to a promise
I never thought you would.
Violate me with your love…
You dance behind my eyes
Leaving no place to run…
Held for ransom
With no way of paying.
© bipolarmuse 2012
This was inspired by B. He has been on my mind a-lot and has been visiting me in my dreams.
6 days until the anniversary of his death.
Bipolarmuse♥ Great Lengths
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Great Lengths
~ B, I think you have an infection. ~
I am looking at B’s hand, the one that is fucked up and had surgery. It is wrapped in gauze and somehow “set” so he couldn’t move his fingers.
There are red streaks leading up his arm from his hand and it feels very fevered.
An infection… from the mouth of another human…
Definitely not good. An infection of this caliber could be deadly if not treated quickly and aggressively.
Soooooo….On to the emergency room we go! Low and behold, he has a very bad infection that requires serious home care.
A Pic line is placed in his arm and it is highly disturbing to B.Partially because of the procedure itself and also where then end of the pic line is placed within his body. His eyes start to tear up… and he is holding back from crying.
Every miserable feeling this man has given me suddenly vanish and I am left with the love between us.
I just want to comfort him… help him heal… be there for him.
And I will be.
I now have the responsibility of giving him his IV antibiotics…
Every four hours.
Literally.
For a man so suicidal, it is amazing to see what lengths he goes to in order to preserve his life.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse♥ Have Some More (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ For Pills (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not With A 10 Foot Pole (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ I NEED HELP (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Wait It Out (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ GAME ON (bipolarmuse.com)
Bipolarmuse♥ Have Some More
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Have Some More
I’m at the bar with J and getting more and more pissed off because I cannot get a hold of B.
At first his phone just rings and rings but now, NOW, it goes straight to voice mail. Lovely. I am the stalker girlfriend.
I am positive he is not where he says he is… OR with who.
I am trying really hard to be “un”psycho and everything is hitting my senses at once. I feel sick and can taste the smoke in the room… the beer is disgusting and making my stomach churn. Of course, these things never seem to bother me unless in a state of agitation.
HIGH agitation. This man crawls under my skin like army ants.
J can see I am about to lose it…
And I am.
B is going to pay because shit is going to hit the fan.
As I am contemplating what mean thing I shall do to him, my phone starts ringing.
It is B…. lucky him.
~ Where the fuck are you B? ~
- Baby girl, I’m at Thunderbird Hospital. I got into a fight with some fuck-wad and my hand is broken or some shit. You should have seen his face though! -
I am instantly pumped. I am anxious. I am pissed off …and now I know where to go to direct my anger..
To B… at the hospital.
We instantly jump in the car and go straight there.
I park and start walking up to the emergency exit. As I am approaching, B is making his way towards me.
- Baby giiiiirl, I love you. -
Clearly he is drunk and proud of himself for the fight.
I walk right up to him and punch him as hard as I can in the chest. Sounds like punching a watermelon.
~ You are a fucking idiot B. Where were you. Who were you with. Why didn’t you answer the phone? ~
B is just simply giddy about my violence… he feeds off of it. He is proud I hit him and turned on by it.
He cackles.
Once I am done with my fiasco, we head into the emergency room.
He has seriously fucked up his hand and will need surgery to repair it.
They will put metal rods and screws into his hand.
Just great B.
Here…. have some more pain pills.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Can you say Psycho?! (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ My Poison (bipolarmuse.com)
Bipolarmuse♥ WOW
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
WOW
Work is slow and I have been having a good time mingling with my customers, getting my hustle on… being a food server has its benefits.
I notice B’s family standing at the front of the restaurant, they are asking for me to be their server.
I love when they do that. They genuinely mean something to me and I am flattered when they come by and visit.
I sit down at their booth with them for a few minutes while taking their order.
- How you doing baby girl? -
This nickname is addictive apparently, because B’s Mom, my Aunt, and B all use it for me.
~ I have been good. Me and B have been doing well. ~ I lied. We were doing well under the circumstances of our relationship.
- Well we wanted to talk to you. -
Uh- Oh. This is either good or it is bad.
Anxiousness kicks in.
- We love how B has changed since you came into our lives. We love you and want you to marry him. -
I am floored. I had been thinking of proposing to him myself, but hadn’t gotten that far with the idea.
- We can help you guys get a house and with the wedding. B is such a different person with you and we welcome you into our family.
I pick my jaw up off the floor.
~ Wow, I am so happy that you feel this way. I have been thinking of marriage, and B and I have been talking about it a little. ~
- Well, just know that we want you as our daughter in law. -
This is epic, poetic. I have no words…
They cease from escaping my mouth.
All I know is…
WOW.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse ♥ The Ex… Pregnant? (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Left With Wondering Why (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Whata Ride (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Wait It Out (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Playboy (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ For Pills (bipolarmuse.com)
Bipolarmuse♥ Wait It Out
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Wait It Out
- Hello? -
~ J, it’s bipolarmuse. ~ I am whispering, hiding in the back bedroom, as far from B as possible.
The tears just flow from my eyes. It is hard to breathe, hard to speak. My eyeballs feel bruised from all the crying. My head is pounding.
~ B is trying to kill himself by overdosing. He says he just wants to “go to sleep” but he is taking so many muscle relaxers and pain pills together. I don’t know what to do. This is what he wants.” ~
- I don’t know what to tell you. I wish I knew what to do or say. Did you take the medication from him? -
~ Yes, I hid it. Right now he is passed out and every time I try to wake him, he won’t wake up, but he is still breathing ~
I hid the medication in a kitchen cabinet… I wanted to flush them, but at this point, I am not sure of what B is capable of… I don’t know if he would get violent… when and if he wakes up.
~ I want to save him so bad and I can’t do it. He will just keep trying until he succeeds. ~
My voice is quivering… I am wiping away snot with my shirt… terrified to get up and go to the bathroom for tissue. Afraid of what I may see.
- Bipolarmuse, he has been doing this since he was 13. None of us can save him. I know you love him but saving him is not your responsibility. -
She is always logical and wise. And she is right.
- Do you know what you are going to do? -
In a hushed voice… ~ No. ~
- I love you. Call me back… ok? -
~ I love you too. ~
I went into the bedroom where B is passed out on our bed and I lay next to him just listening to him breathe. I feel him move and he comes to.
- BABY GIRL. – His voice is raspy and his speech is not right… slurred… crackly.
- Baby girl, hand me the pills in the night stand. -
I get up out of the bed and went into the living room, I gave him no response.
He is searching the nightstand, pulling the drawer completely out… I can imagine he is tearing the room apart.
Finally he makes his way into the living room.
His movements are bizarre… He can’t move fluidly at all. His motion is very “jerky” and he is having a hard time walking.
- WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY PILLS?? -
I am scared to death. He looks beyond angry… he is ferocious and frightening. His wild look is magnified by his high.
~ I hid them B, you can’t have anymore. You are going to kill yourself. ~
- I just want to sleep baby girl. Fuck man. Just give them to me or I will tear this house apart looking for them. -
He goes into the kitchen and starts opening every cabinet drawer and every cabinet door. He is going to find them.
Certainly he does.
He walks passed me with both bottles in his hand. The other hand is helping him walk along the walls to go back to the bedroom.
I wait a few moments and then join him to go to sleep. I don’t sleep at all. Instead, I stay awake listening to his breathing pattern.
Once morning finally comes, I call my work and tell them I can’t come in today. I must watch him or he will surely die.
I start doing laundry to occupy my mind, but I check on B every few minutes. I simply do not know what to do. He has done this so many times before.
I am walking a load of laundry passed our bedroom door and notice something terrifying.
B is shaking… no, more like convulsing. His breathing is shallow. I cannot see the Iris of his eyes, they are pure black pupil. I run to grab a flashlight and shine it into his eyes… they are COMPLETELY unresponsive… they stay entirely black.
I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t just sit by and allow this man to kill himself. He can try again another time.
Grabbing the phone, I dial 911 and explain what is going on. Paramedics are on their way… I am told to get the medication out for them to determine how much he has taken in the last 24 hours.
They rush him to the hospital and I follow behind in my car.
When I get there, I am greeted by a Doctor and a Psychiatrist. They are asking me if he was trying to kill himself.
~ He is always trying to kill himself, but he just kept telling me he wanted to sleep. ~
A half hour passes and they call for me so I can go sit at B’s bed side. He is on a breathing machine… ya know, for people who cannot breathe on their own.
I break down crying once again because I know it must be a bad sign.
The Doctor approaches me and informs me that B has done permanent damage to his heart. What does this mean to me?? Did he have a heart attack??
The Doctor also said that they have him in a drug induced coma and at this point all that can be done is to wait it out. He cannot tell me whether he will be ok, or even wake up for that matter.
I call his family to let them know…
This isn’t a new routine for them. Nobody comes to see him…
It just me and B.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Bipolarmuse♥ For Pills
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
For Pills
What the FUCK is going on??
I come home and find blood drops that lead into the kitchen.
Of course, I figure if B got a hold of a gun, there would not be a pathway created in blood. More like a pool and a body.
I rush into the kitchen, where the blood ends.
There’s blood on the carpet…all over the kitchen counter tops… running up and down B’s arm.
He is standing over the sink with his hand under the faucet. Maybe to clean it out??
Fucking GREAT. It’s the hand that he had surgery on to repair shattered bones and his knuckle. All that is left for two metacarpals is metal…and bolts.
~ What the fuck happened B? ~
My voice is on the edge of hysteria.
B gives me a wary glance, yet wearing that devilish grin.
- I was doing lawn work and one of the yard tools used for cutting limbs somehow got away from me and hit my bad hand. -
Blood is everywhere and I can’t get the blood to stop… it is just flowing out.
I grab one of his white tee shirts and wrap his hand tightly.
We are going to the emergency room.
After much urging because his blood was making a mess of the floor, they decided to see him quickly.
They stitch him back up but the metal was “visable” when I saw it in the kitchen. Did they remove it?? Keep it in place?
I don’t get it.
They prescribe him pain killers and muscle relaxers. YAY! Feed the fucking addict.
We get home and I take a good look at this “garden tool” that supposedly did the damage. This piece of equipment is so big and bulky, it would have taken off half his hand, if not the entire thing. It was not a jagged cut but more of a straight line following his scar.
Now I am doubting B’s story.
He had just moved to a new city to be with me and his normal pill suppliers were no longer around.
I confronted him of course…
~ B, did you cut your hand on purpose for pain pills? ~
The cackle. Of course the cackle… and the wild eyes too.
- No baby girl. Why would I do that to myself? I am already crippled in this hand. -
He is very literal. His right hand cannot make a fist or grasp a drinking glass as it is… why would he create more damage?
I didn’t trust it… or him.
I go searching through the tool box for a box cutter to open some boxes that still needed to be unpacked.
What do I find??
Take a WILD guess.
Inside the tool box were razor blades… one stained with blood.
He not only re-opened the old wound, revealing surgical steel underneath…but…
He did it for pills.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse ♥ My Poison (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ Here is the Ego (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ GAME ON (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ – The Gun (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not On My Watch (bipolarmuse.com)
Bipolarmuse♥ Left With Wondering Why
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Left With Wondering Why
OH MY GOD.
I can’t breathe. All of the oxygen is being pulled from my lungs…
the tears hold it for ransom.
I can’t stop crying…all I can manage is to lay on the floor curled up into a ball.
Every muscle aching, on fire. Wanting to jump out of my skin.
I’m dying.
~~~
I got the dreaded call.
As always, my phone was off while I slept and I awoke to a new message.
- Hi Bipalarmuse, it’s J…call me as soon as you get this. I love you. -
This is it. This is the dreaded call. But what if it’s not. What if B is just putting her up to calling me to get me to talk to him.
I am hoping and praying as I dial her number.
- Hello? -
~ Is everything ok? ~
Hysteria is setting in.
- Bipolarmuse, B killed himself last night. He is gone. -
~ Oh no,no, NO. Did he overdose?? ~
- No, he shot himself. -
Just as he had said he would do. I was hoping to hear “overdose” because that COULD be accidental. What does it fuckin matter though, either way he is gone. GONE.
~ Oh my God J… he did it. ~
My voice is hard to control. Waves of physical sickness hit me with tremendous force. I am starting to die.
- Call his cousin and talk to him, he can go over all the details… and he could use a call from you. -
I can’t breathe.
I can’t see.
Salty tears are burning mascara into my eyes.
The details? Oh yes… the details of what led up to his death. That’s what she means. I can’t shake the shock that’s setting in.
~ Oh my God J… I was going to call him today. I told my friends last night at a birthday dinner that I was going to break down and call him today. I should have called last night! Are you sure it is him? 100% sure? ~
- He didn’t have his phone on him… there was nothing anyone could do… nobody could reach him. -
I was in shock. Maybe it was someone else… Maybe?
I couldn’t stop saying “no”. It just repeated over and over in my head… out of my mouth.
She gave me some of the details.
He ransacked his Moms purse for money… the locks were changed on the doors… he bought and installed a radio and/or speakers in a friends car… this friend kept a gun in the glove box… he stole the gun from this friend… later that night he was on some sort of drugs and just up and left from a friends house… the friends went out searching for him… they found him pulled over on the side of the road… they were to late… he was already gone… he had shot himself with a 9mm… my picture was on the steering wheel.
- Bipolarmuse, he loved you so much. He had a picture of you with him, it was on the steering wheel. He probably wanted you to know he loved you and wanted you to be the last person he saw. It was there out of love. I know that, otherwise I wouldn’t have told you. -
I am ill… my picture was there? Was it love, was it anger? What was the true meaning of my photo being there?? Why not a note explaining why?? Why??
I am forever left with wondering why?
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse♥ Here is the Ego (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ – The Gun (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse♥ GAME ON (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Here is the Ego- continued (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ The Ex… Pregnant? (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ I Waited (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not On My Watch (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Sweet Smile (bipolarmuse.com)
Bipolarmuse♥ GAME ON
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
GAME ON
He has been cheating on me. I knew it… had the gut instinct for a while. Noticed little signs…
Can’t get a hold of him at times, how he heads straight for the shower when he gets home from somewhere, how he asks me out of the blue if I am cheating on HIM. How his phone rings all hours of the night.
Classic.
For some reason I am eerily calm. I don’t fly off into a rampage, I don’t hit him or spit at him, I don’t scream and curse and throw shit.
I am calm.
We go to the pool with his cousin and his cousin’s Fiance. As we are wading in the water, I bring up his scandalous ways and nobody says a word.
I hear the cackle.
I look over at B and he has a very nervous look on his face but he simply cannot resist the fucking cackle.
At least it was a nervous one.
I simply smile and just stare at him.
Everyone is dead silent, and I begin to laugh… all the while my gaze SEARS into B.
I stop laughing but I have a devilish smile on my face.
B finally decides to break the silence.
- I think she is plotting to kill me. -
I laugh again because yes, thoughts of killing him certainly were in my head.
- I am sorry baby girl. I will never cheat on you again. I love you. That happened at the very beginning of our relationship anyhow. -
OOOoooohhhhh, that makes it alright in his fucked up head.
Besides, I don’t exactly believe him that it was only in the beginning. Maybe. But I don’t know.
~ I wonder how many pounds of pressure would be needed to crush your esophagus. ~
Everyone just stares at me.
Of course I am not wanting to kill him, but I certainly want him to sleep with one eye open.
That’s right B… GAME ON.
Sleep tight.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse♥ Here is the Ego (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ He is “OUT” (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ I NEED HELP (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Sweet Smile (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Playboy (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not On My Watch (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ The Ex… Pregnant? (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not With A 10 Foot Pole (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Barrel in your mouth. (bipolarmuse.com)
Bipolarmuse ♥ I Waited
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
It is suffice to say
You are on my mind each day.
Every song that is played
Spins you in my mind like a screenplay.
I waited
B is in his home town now and I expect that to officially be the end. He doesn’t have a phone number or address for me, nor me for him.
Yet he calls my work periodically leaving his number.
Just knowing that he is calling for me has me frantic and sick. I can’t do it anymore.
I can’t save him… my love will never be enough. This has been an excruciating fact to come to.
I tell the receptionist to just throw away his number and not to allow me to have it.
He is my drug, I may fiend for him and take him back.
However, I ask for the number after one of his calls. She freely gives it after a-lot of pleading.
I call from the work pay phone so he wouldn’t have my cell number.
The phone is ringing…
- Hi babygirl! I miss you so much. -
~ Hi B. How are you. ~
-When you coming back to me baby? -
~ I don’t know if that is going to happen. ~
- Promise me we will be back together again. -
~ I can’t promise that B, but I will try. ~ I lied.
- I love you baby girl. -
~ Me too B. ~
I hang up the phone.
I now have his number and it took all the strength I had to throw it away.
This man is delusional and I just fed into his delusions.
~~~~~
I haven’t heard from him for about a month…
Yet today… he has called again… with a message for me with significant meaning.
- Tell Bipolarmuse to keep the rest of my things. -
I almost threw up right then and there when I heard this.
It was the end.
I didn’t have hardly any of his belongings because he sold them all before he left.
This was a message… not about belongings… but about his plan.
I knew then and there that his death was imminent.
All I could do was wait for the other shoe to drop.
So I waited.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse♥ Here is the Ego (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ The Ex… Pregnant? (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Sweet Smile (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not On My Watch (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ I NEED HELP (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Here is the Ego- continued (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Can you say Psycho?! (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ – The Gun (bipolarmuse.com)
Bipolarmuse ♥ Love Me In Perfection
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Love Me In Perfection
These are the moments that I love. Makes all the frustration, anxiety, mental pain, and sadness worth being endured.
It’s quiet… just muffled sounds dance in my ears.
The only light being from the glow of the TV.
Sipping hot tea.
Sitting on the loveseat with B… laying back, just a little… resting against the arm of the sofa.
Legs entwined.
One hand molded perfectly to his… my body melting into him.
The heat of his gaze on my face…
His sweet lips on my face.
- You are my hero, my everything baby girl. -
I don’t speak… I just kiss his lips.
Love oozes from every pore of me. I am alive…. on fire with passion for this man.
I want to save him… from himself.
Why is he so loving and affectionate tonight?
Does it matter?
I hold his gaze…
Indeed, pin-dot pupils in a dark room.
It’s ok B, for tonight.
Be high and love me in perfection.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Bipolarmuse ♥ Here is the Ego- continued
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Here is the Ego- continued
B slowly pulls into the drive.
The police tell him to slowly exit the vehicle, and he did.
Where was the gun?? I couldn’t see it in either of his hands…
B certainly is not an idiot as he is now proving. He knew the current law about guns and made sure it was sitting in plain fucking sight within the car.
Busy talking to the police, I call his parents to tell them I am outside. His Dad comes out through the garage and ushers me into the house.
I was in shock at how everything was going down. I felt sick, anxious, scared to death of what was going to happen. A rotten taste in my mouth, vile acids sneaking their way to my throat.
B’s Dad keeps going in and out of the house. I believe he is mediating and prying for information… though I couldn’t be sure of anything. Everyone wanted to know why B was taking a gun to his parents house.
Certainly he had a plan.
“To scare everyone” was the so-called plan. “He would never hurt anyone other than himself”…
Well, I can say I am gleefully happy to have ruined his fun (muahaha)… now he gets to have the police involved. Maybe that will be enough to scare the shit out of him and prevent him from acting up further.
I could only get so lucky!
I finally went outside once things were calm and I found B completely at ease with the cops, discussing a career as an officer of the law, just shootin’ the shit, feeling some sort of camaraderie with them because he was in Loss Prevention.
What the fuck ever.
Everyone was now at ease and giving B a pep-talk. “You have a great life with a beautiful girl”, “Maybe you both should move to Vegas to be near Bipolarmuses kids”, “You can accomplish anything”, “You have everything going for you”…. blah, blah, blah.
I was involved with the pep-talk bullshit…but I was experiencing the whole situation almost in an out of body experience. I wasn’t ‘present’ at all, but observing from a distance, though I was clearly in the center of the mayhem.
The gun… where did the gun go??
Somehow, B had purchased the gun for a few hundred dollars. How? I can only imagine all the creative ways that B comes up with when it comes to getting money. But nope!
Where did he get the money for the gun… from our joint fucking account to be sure.
Now, I am gonna kill him.
The gun needed to go… pronto… in a jiffy…snap snap… NOW.
I then realize why we were there so long. Yet, baffled. Why didn’t the police take him down to mental health and have him held because he was obviously a danger to himself and to others. Why weren’t his parents taking that action? Could I??
Since the gun was legally owned and B had every right to exercise his right to bare arms. It couldn’t be taken by the police, and surely he knows not to trust me with it.
I made plans to leave, move out, be done with this crazy man. I knew it was futile though… he was my smack.
So instead, I went home with B.
When we got home, he hands me a check.
The cost of peace of mind for today… $1000.00
His Dad now owns the gun.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse♥ Here is the Ego (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ – The Gun (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not On My Watch (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Can you say Psycho?! (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ The Ex… Pregnant? (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Playboy (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ I NEED HELP (bipolarmuse.com)
Bipolarmuse♥ Here is the Ego
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Here Is The Ego
- Come with me to my parents house. -
B is frantic. His forehead is beaded with sweat and his eyes are wild and darting around like a mad man. He is highly agitated. He is angry. He is vengeful.
~ I don’t see how going over there is going to help anything. I think chilling out is the best option right now and then go and talk to them. ~
I am trying desperately to keep him at the house. Nothing feels right. His anger and anxiety have reached a new high and I am very frightened over what is going to happen next.
Apparently he is upset at his parents over something, I think over a vehicle. You see, B has always had nice vehicles paid for by his parents, and while he is currently driving a company SUV, he is not happy about it. But hey, privileges are removed when you act up…and B was great at acting up.
- Either fucking come with me and be by my side as my fiance who supports me… or… -
B is shaking his head in disgust and disbelief that I am refusing to go along.
How do I extinguish this before escalates into something tragic?
I swear I am at my breaking point with this man.
B, his cackle so devious, his eyes WILD, his lips dangerously curved into a wicked smile… he pulls out a nice large gun.
Where the fuck did that come from?! I have taken away guns. We agreed he is never to own one, so where did this come from??
-You won’t go and support me… do you not care and see how unfair this all is? -
~ B, give me the gun. This is no time to have a gun out. ~
- What are you afraid of baby girl? -
He cackles, eyes set on fire and uncontrollably wild.
- Are you afraid I will do this?! -
Everything is in slow motion at this point.
He slowly takes the hand the gun is in and lifts it up toward his face.
I inhale to scream in protest but can’t find words… nor the air needed to fill my lungs.
Everything is so slow. It feels like it is taking an eternity to place that gun in his mouth.
Yet, time stands still for nobody, and he manages to place the gun in the very place he will certainly one day use to end his life.
I stand there… frozen. Finally I find my voice…
~Baby, please don’t do this… it isn’t worth it! I need you so much. What would I be without you?!~
In excruciatingly slow motion, he removes his mouth from around the barrel and brings the gun down to his side.
I am in the midst of chaos… insanity.
- Either you come with me or not, but I am going and I would really like your support. -
B heads out of the apartment and right down to the car.
I race out …chasing him.
I open the passenger door of the car…standing with one leg in and the rest of me out. B is standing just outside the driver door.
I take note of the little kids playing so close by, and the big shiny gun in B’s hand.
~ I will go with you… but let me take the gun upstairs to our apartment. ~
- FUCK THAT. I want them to see what they do to me. -
~ B, please give me the gun and we can go talk to them, or lets stay here. What do you need to prove with that gun anyways! ~
- I love you baby girl. Are you afraid I will do this in front of everyone… -
B calmly places the barrel of the gun in his mouth again, this time he maintains eye contact with me.
I shut my eyes. Seared into my mind is that last image… the gun in his mouth.
I squeeze my eyes shut and wait for the “bang”… all the while worried about those poor kids that are now watching… looking terrified.
I open my eyes and scream at the kids to go home.
~ Go home now! ~
Just as I did, B removed the gun from his mouth and jumped into the car.
- Come with me and support me, or don’t. -
I stepped out of the car and chose not to go.
The tires squealed as he maniacally pulled out.
Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!
I must call his parents.
I dial their phone number immediately…
- Hello? -
~ You need to lock up the house or leave! B is on the way over, he is acting crazy…and he is bringing a gun. I am sorry, I tried stopping him. ~
- Thank you for calling to let us know, I am going to call the police. -
I call B over and over but he will not answer his phone. I figured the police would be a deterrent.
I jump in my car and head to his parents house. I beat him there and notice that his parents have completely locked down the house. The police are there.
I watch B’s car slowly pull up.
He gets out and is comically irritated. Donning that devilish smirk, wild eyes, cackling. Here is the ego.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse ♥ – The Gun (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ He is “OUT” (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not On My Watch (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ My Poison (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Barrel in your mouth. (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ The Ex… Pregnant? (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not With A 10 Foot Pole (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Sweet Smile (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Playboy (bipolarmuse.com)
My Inspiration
My inspiration for writing I held You For a Moment.
~~~
I was looking through old pictures, trying to find some pics of B, and I sadly reminded myself that I have only a few. None of us together. Where they have all gone is beyond me. I didn’t get any pictures back from his collage at his funeral but I am certain I still had “some”.
They are completely gone.
The pictures I did find stopped me in my tracks.
I found his viewing/funeral pictures.
Yes, I took pictures of him in his casket.
I can remember thinking (at his viewing) that he looked so good. You have to remember that I believe I saw B at his worst when alive… so that doesn’t help with my observation.
I did hold him a moment… in a picture… in my hands.
I stared at the picture and realized just how horrible he did look… how different than what I remember. I thought he was so beautiful at his services.
And now…
Well now, I just want some real pictures.
♥
Bipolarmuse ♥ Sweet Smile
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Sweet smile
It is serious this time. No going back.
I packed B and the items he can fit on an airplane into the car and we drive to the airport. He is talking, mumbling something, but all I can hear is the muffled sounds in my head. Maybe my heartbeat? Each breath taken in?
The goodbye was short with a kiss on the cheek. I didn’t even bother with watching him walk away, I just pulled away from the curb at the drop off area and headed towards work.
That was it, it was over.
He had nothing to come back for because he sold all of his belongings for pills and getting his hands on a gun. Thank God he didn’t have enough money for the gun… but the pills, yes he got his fix.
~~~
The end was torture. He spent every single day, all day, in bed crying.
My kids thought he was “sick” all the time and I just agreed.
Yes, he was sick.
Did I mention I was glad he couldn’t get a gun? Without the gun, I wasn’t so afraid of his final exit. I had come to know him enough that I believed he would certainly be leaving this world with a bang.
- Don’t worry baby girl. You won’t come home and find me dead. I would drive off in your car, pull over somewhere, and shoot myself.-
Of course my eyes seared into him. I didn’t have the fight in me any longer.
~Can you do it outside of my car? I kind of need it and you will leave a bloody mess.~
He cackles.
-I looked into life insurance to leave for you. Doesn’t cover suicide.-
I stop flipping through my magazine.
~Yea… I figured as much. You would have to get crafty and make it look accidental. Somehow that would unravel.~
We stare at each other for a minute.
He has a sweet smile at times. When he is just raw and sincere.
This is the smile I see as I am driving away.
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse ♥ – The Gun (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ I NEED HELP (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ He is “OUT” (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Playboy (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not On My Watch (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ My Poison (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not With A 10 Foot Pole (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ – I heard Yes (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ The Ex… Pregnant? (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Barrel in your mouth. (bipolarmuse.com)
Check out– i’ve turned my face to the wall
My bestie Sean, who writes alltheavenueslookugly, has started a new blog. His original blog (alltheavenueslookugly) is more of a journal that takes us on a ride in his mind with mental disorders and really shows us the ugly side of what these disorders can do to you. His writing is very raw and intense… and is not sugar coated in the least.
His new blog is i’ve turned my face to the wall. I stole this excerpt from his journal describing this new blog:
**the new blog is the book i have been writing on for quite a while.
i’ve turned my face to the wall
be warned: this is not necessarily in the form it will be published in, and i am waiting on making edits and such until later. i thought it might be kind of fun to see it from an earlier start to where it will eventually become. i won’t be posting the complete book on there, as then there would really be no reason to read it when it is published. but there will be quite a bit. there will also be some other goodies coming later, including other works, links to some amazing writers, and other things.
so if you like it, please follow it, share it with your friends, etc.** Pimp it out my friends!
This book is not a memoir but some pieces are true and some are fiction. Awesome right?? I think so but I am constantly wondering what parts are real… and who is Molly?? I wanna know!! Since he and I are friends, I could ask, but I also want the excitement of just “experiencing” the book. What I also like is that the page lengths vary… some are very short, more poetic…while others dive into the storyline.
Enough of me telling you about it… check it out. His writing is intense and raw and his style makes it so easy and fluid to read. Don’t be surprised if you are like me and saying, “Sean… now is this part truth or fiction”?? I love it.
i’ve turned my face to the wall
Bipolarmuse ♥ Playboy
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Playboy
I slide my key into the keyhole and walk through the door of the apartment.
I notice instantly that the apartment is clean, smelling of a lovely burning candle, and that there is absolutely zero clutter. B must be in his “spring” cleaning mode. I have seen this a time or two before… within the last month or so.
I almost, just almost, start to think he is someone a little OCD”ish” about cleanliness. Then it hits me! He is like this from time to time, not all the time… so obviously OCD is out of the question. Clearly he has some issues upstairs… but figuring out the issues is not my thing… dealing with them is.
I am quite pleased that I don’t have to come home from work and do anything other than figure out dinner. I am smiling as I walk into our immaculate bedroom, fully equipped with 3 mattresses and mirrors on the ceiling, and I set down my purse.
B is in the shower, CD player blasting out Offspring.
Uh-Oh. Serious, Uh-Oh. Offspring is a sure fire indicator of a super smug, arrogant, and amped up B.
LOOOOVELYYYYYY.
I start taking notice of my environment because clearly I am missing something. B + Offspring = trouble. Don’t ask me why or how I know this, it just seems to be the way that it is.
I go back into the living room.
How the fuck could I miss what I am seeing?!
B has changed the background of the fish tank… to PLAYBOY magazine pages. Seriously. The entire fish tank is lined with naked women.
My cheeks start to become hot and flushed. Not because of the naked women but because of the fucking point.
Not only was the fish tank used as a platform for playboy playmates, but so was the glass coffee table. Instead of seeing crystalline, shiny, clean glass… Naked women are staring at me from underneath where they have been meticulously taped in place. FABULOUS! We can set our drinks down without ruining the beautiful pages of Playboy. (Sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm!)
Wow. B has surely out done himself this time. Taking it to new heights daily! That should be his fucking motto.
I go into our closet to grab clothes to change into because there’s going to be a fight tonight, and am not stunned one bit to see the top of the closet wall completely LINED with all of the playboy centerfolds, ya know, the bitches that fold out. Yes, those ones.
B didn’t even discriminate. We have women with racing strips, triangles, bare as bare can get, 80′s bush, striped like Vanilla Ice‘s eyebrow…you name it, I am looking at it.
The shower turns off and I hear the bathroom door open.
Then… the infamous cackle! Obviously he is aware that I am home and that I am undoubtedly finding his lovely choice of background paper.
You would think that I would just start ripping the shit off of everything but, oh no, I want to drag this fight out.
Is something wrong with me?!
Yep, and that something is B.
I am afraid that if he wants to look at Playboy pinups at every glance, then he needs to compromise and allow me the right to Playgirl ganders.
Which will he enjoy least? A compromise, or the fight. I am going to say the compromise. (wink, wink)
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
© bipolarmuse 2012
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse ♥ I NEED HELP (bipolarmuse.com)
Bipolarmuse ♥ ~Haunted~
HAUNTED
Dark and chilled.
Shivers travel my spine.
Come on and take a ride…
With me through my world.
~~~… (“I love you baby girl”)…~~~
Is that you??
Baby boy, was that you I heard?
Please come, I’d like you to learn,
This void within my world.
~~~… (“Ten times more baby girl”)…~~~
Sad and broken.
In my heart, misery exists.
Your smell on my skin. Taste on my lips.
Are you in my world?
~~~… (“I love you more baby girl”)…~~~
Where are you?
You’ve forgotten. Remember the promise?
The shivers, chills, your breath on my back… HAUNTED.
Please come to my world.
~~~… (“I miss you baby girl”)…~~~
I WANT IT!
Screaming madly in my head…
Have I gone mad instead?
I WANT IT…
to be HAUNTED.
Like you promised…
HAUNTED.
Welcome to my world…
~~~… (“Hugs and kisses baby girl”)…~~~
© bipolarmuse 7.24.2002
**This poem was written nearly two month to the day after the suicide of my ex. It was no surprise that he killed himself, he talked about it all the time. I made him promise to haunt me if he did die, and I can honestly say I feel like I was haunted for quite some time.
Every passage ~~~…(“like this”)…~~~ was something I found written in my books, photo albums, or on slips of paper hiding in places for me to find. They were truly his words that I found within the first year after his death. I incorporated his verbal “hauntings” into this poem that was written nearly 10 years ago. Just something I wanted to share. ♥ **
Bipolarmuse ♥ I NEED HELP
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Grim Reaper (advertisement) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I NEED HELP
Yea, I am cool, calm, and collected.
Once B is done reacting the way that he normally does (being pissed off at everyone other than himself). Things settle down into a normal,yet new routine.
The ex-girlfriend is pregnant. B had found out about it when he and I had been dating about a month…. or so he says. And then decided not to tell me. In fact, I found out the wonderful news from his Uncle when the Ex-rirlfriend was approximately 4-5 months pregnant.
Supposedly B didn’t tell me right away because he was waiting to see if she was going to change her mind about keeping the baby. (She told him she was keeping it, yet somehow he felt she would change her mind). Classic B style. I am starting to realize I can’t trust a word that B says and to take everything with a grain of salt, EVERYTHING.
Makes for a GREAT relationship. (Can you hear the sarcasm?? I certainly hope so).
We had our blowout fight… Bipolarmuse screams and cries, and manages to hit B a couple times… B manages to reflect my hits and cackle while I cry. Nothing out of the norm.
He seems a bit “down” lately, but he had quite a-lot to be upset about.
Fuck his down moods and the pills he has in his cabinet that he only takes on rare occasions. I’ve had to stop taking baths for fear of drowning myself.
In fact, all of my thoughts revolve around death… B’s, my own… by his hand, by my hand.
I am spiraling down, out of control… and it is finally slapping me in the face. I am finally seeing, for the first time, the dire state I am in.
My attention is in the hands of the grim reaper.
I NEED HELP.
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse ♥ The Ex… Pregnant? (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ He is “OUT” (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not With A 10 Foot Pole (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Can you say Psycho?! (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ – The Gun (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not On My Watch (bipolarmuse.com)
- A little Bipolarmuse ♥ (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ My Poison (bipolarmuse.com)
Precarious ~ Haiku
Have you met my soul?
She’s a precarious thing.
Your silence proves it.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Bipolarmuse ♥ The Ex… Pregnant?
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
The Ex… Pregnant?
It is a busy fucking night at work… got to get my hustle on to make that cash. That is what I love about being a food server, you can hustle for more tables, hustle the guests (in a nice way of course), hustle the bartenders, and it all ends up as more money in my pocket. Can’t hate a girl for trying to make a living.
B is off tonight, of course. It is the weekend and somehow he managed to be off on a Saturday night… I am sure he planned it that way, fully knowing that I would be busy working.I can never take weekends off if I plan on making any decent money.
I have talked to B a couple times from work and nothing seems out of the ordinary. He is his arrogant, cocky self.
The cousins Dad likes to come in and have dinner and drinks up at the bar every now and then… and since I am dating his nephew, I have gotten to know him a bit. I notice he is here and I stop by for a quick hello.
~How’s it going this week? You’re lookin’ good.~
- No, young lady, YOU are lookin’ good. – wink wink.
- I just have to say that it’s really cool how you’re handling the ex-girlfriend thing.-
The ex-girlfriend thing. Hmmm. Well, B has an ex-girlfriend whose name pops up from time to time, but nothing about her stands out other than they were together since high school. I’ve seen pics of her and she is pretty, but whatever, I’m not worried about anything.
~Yea, not a big deal. She seems like a cool girl.~
- Well, I mean, with her being pregnant and everything… I would say your taking it pretty fucking good.-
What the fuck did he just say?? The room begins to spin and I am literally seeing stars. I can barely talk but manage.
~Yea, I’m cool like that.~ wink.
I start walking to a side wall that has a phone on the opposite side. I quickly tuck behind the wall and grab the phone.
I feel like I can barely walk, stand, move, BREATHE.
Did I fucking hear him right?? B’s ex is pregnant? How far along is she? Did he cheat on me and get her pregnant? Has she been pregnant all along and he has kept it from me?
I dial B’s number.
Here we go… just one more fuckin’ thing to add to the already mountain of shit that we have for a relationship. We JUST got back together from a “little” break. Can anything go “right”? Fuck no. Not with B.
-Hi baby girl, is work slow or what?-
~Your ex is fucking pregnant?~
- What THE FUCK man…- CLICK.
He fuckin’ hung up on me. SERIOUSLY?!
Well, I got my answer… the ex is definitely pregnant.
Now I have to decide… does B stay or go?
© bipolarmuse 2012
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse ♥ He is “OUT” (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Barrel in your mouth. (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not With A 10 Foot Pole (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ My Poison (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ – The Gun (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Can you say Psycho?! (bipolarmuse.com)
Always Keep Trying
I LOVE this quote. Courage comes in all different forms and I believe that even when we feel defeated… when we make the decision to try again tomorrow… it takes a great amount of courage to do so.
It is not easy to feel life beat you down every single day…to feel like every effort is made with pain, made in vain. But to make the decision to move forward and to try again day after day. That is true courage.
I know for myself, the silent roar of courage made behind the veil of tears have been my most courageous moments. Those have been the moments that took the most strength and willpower to move forward and not give up.
Don’t feel that you are weak… every single day you make the effort to get up… to go about your day no matter how difficult it can be… and every single day, whether it ends in tears or starts with tears… you resolve to keep trying.
That is strength and that is courage. I applaud you.
My friends, you are not alone. Your struggles are never in vain… please know that you have purpose. ♥
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
