Bipolarmuse ♥ – I heard Yes
I Heard Yes
I am so excited, giddy, and sick to my stomach.
Am I sick to my stomach from excitement, or something else? I try to shake it but it will not go away.
I have everything that I need… black light, glow in the dark ink, blindfold, a nice dark ambiance. Am I really going to do this? I know this man has his demons but I have mine too. Two peas in a pod I say, though I am the healthier pea.
Love sick…sick love.
Everything is in place before he comes home from work. B knows “something” is up, but not fully. I can hear the excitement in his voice and I give away nothing. It will be a secret until the moment he opens his eyes.
I am doing this despite knowing that this man swears he will not live to see 25 years of age. I have heard it a billion times:
- I don’t want to get old. 25 is too old.- cackle
Lovely B. How are we suppose to have that nice house with a white picket fence if you can’t see a couple years down the road. Fucker.
This does not detour me though. Nothing can once I am on a mission.
He comes home. His eyes wild… his smile huge… his cackle somehow different, giddy in a way. Our bedroom door is closed, as I left it. He starts toward it but I jump in the way.
~Not yet. Put this on.~
I help him put the blindfold over his eyes and slowly walk him through the bedroom door, close it, and turn on the black light. He sits on the bed and scoots all the way back to the wall. I follow of course, sitting between his legs.
Facing the same direction, looking at the wall where the black light is shining its glorious light…
I tell B he can remove the blindfold.
As he does, I can hear that he holds his breath.
My heart is pounding so hard I know he can feel it. I am sweaty, clammy, frightened of what he might say. Yet ecstatic.
- Yes baby girl, yes I will marry you.-
On November 11th I wrote on our bedroom wall with glow in the dark ink, “Will you marry me B”?
I flipped the roles.
All I could hear was the thumping of my heart and “yes”.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Not On My Watch (bipolarmuse.com)
- A little Bipolarmuse ♥ (bipolarmuse.com)
Time Is Running Out ~ Muse
This song jams… and this version is acoustic… which makes it even better. ♥
I lurve Muse
Time Is Running Out
Hope
What is hope?? The definition is: desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment; also : expectation of fulfillment or success
Hope is the very thing that is lost while in the throes of depression. You can lose many parts of yourself, but when hope has been lost… it can be a very dangerous place to be.
I know the feeling all too well, as I have lost hope many times. I have had moments when I felt life would not get better, I had lost hope in it. I lost hope in being happy. I lost the hope of thriving. Lost the hope of living tear free, fear free. Lost hope in myself. When I got to that point, it was a matter of life and death and to choose life… I had to fight. Fortunately, my children have been my beacon of hope during my darkest moment.
Why did I want to write about this? Because I want people to know that when hope is lost, you can fight for it. As I did.
Don’t lose hope, I have hope in you. ♥
Day 17/30
Day 17: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs.
Hahaha! This is funny. My ipod is a naughty little thing and it has taken me forever to get it on shuffle. It seems to be disobedient. Meanie.
Now that I got it, here we go!!
1. Imma Star – Jeremiah
2. What doesn’t kill you – Kelly Clarkson
3. White Rabbit – Jefferson Airplane
4. Whatya Want From Me – Adam Lambert
5. What is and whats should never be – covered by Haley Reinhart (check it out)
6. Lollipop – Lil Wayne
7. Beautiful – Eminem
8. She can get it – Kevin Rudolf
9. Time is running out – Muse
10. Where I stood – Missy Higgins
Don’t judge me… LOL
Bipolarmuse ♥ Not On My Watch
Not On My Watch
Oh my fucking Jesus. Really?? I had to leave work early to pick B up.
Why? He decided to get fucked up on some drug and could barely talk when he called me for a ride.
I am fuming, furious, sick to my stomach over how I might find him. Walking into the side door of his work and the dark room to his “camera room” for Loss Prevention, I want to punch him in the face.
He sits there, slumping in the chair. He tries to speak but just slurs.
- Hi baby girl- All sloppy and slurry.
I look at him and think of everything imaginable from clawing out his eyes to ripping his hair out. When will this end?? His addiction just seem to get worse and worse and I cannot do a fucking thing about it.
I help him out of his seat and realize just how drugged up he is. He is barely able to stand, let alone walk.
~ What did you take B?? More pills?~
He shows me an empty vial of Ativan. Liquid Ativan. So… apparently his addictions have crossed over into injecting shit into his already damaged body.
B cackles. So impressed with himself. It’s his usual reaction when he knows he has seriously crossed a line. Great! I love the cackle B, make me love you even more. NOT.
He reaches into his pocket before we reach his car to drive home and pulls out ANOTHER liquid vial of Ativan. My head is spinning. How can you be enraged and in love with the same breath.
~ Give it to me B. NOW.~
B hands it over, still cackling. I am too kind and help him into the passenger side of his car… thinking of how to dispose of the Ativan. I close his car door and I realize I have the perfect solution. Not one he will like, but one that I will.
Poor B, he is going to be fuming. ((I smile)). I place the vial behind the back tire and then get into the driver side. I turn the ignition, put the car in reverse, and roll that shit over. As I pull away, I am satisfied to see the vial smashed into smithereens.
- Where’s my vial?-
~ You don’t have a vial anymore. Too bad, so sad.~
Of course his response does not come as a shock… the cackle.
- I can get more baby girl. I love you baby girl.- All sloppy and slurred.
UGH. I just look at him with the look of death. Was he just getting high…or trying to die. Probably trying to die…as he has been trying to die from the moment I met him.
Not today B… not on my fucking watch.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
Related articles
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Barrel in your mouth. (bipolarmuse.com)
- Bipolarmuse ♥ Do I Ever… (bipolarmuse.com)
Skrillex – Cinema
Awwwwww yea. This song is getting me in motion.
Can’t get enough.
~I could watch you for a lifetime… …~
~You are a cinema, I could watch you forever~
Spark ~ Haiku Style
Enrapturing blaze
Eyes spark like glorious stars
Darkness flees from me
© bipolarmuse 2012
Learned My Lesson!
Grrrrrrrr!!!!
So last night…as I was trying to fall asleep… I came up with another Haiku poem that I thought pretty much rocked.
Instead of writing it down, I memorized it. Stupid of me! I keep journals next to my bed for this reason…but oh no, I had to memorize it instead of writing it down.
So what happens?? I flippin FORGOT it. I want to scream right now… I can’t even think of what it was about!
Bad Bipolarmuse ♥ I hope you learned your lesson…
No doubt I say!
7X7 Link Award
I received the 7×7 Link Award from CatForsley.me Please visit her blog if you have not done so in the past. This woman is full of love and inspiration… I am so grateful for her and to have met her here in this blogging world. ♥
For the 7 x 7 Award, You place 7 of your posts in the listed categories, and then nominate 7 peers. Here are links to my posts that I think fit in the following 7 categories:
Most beautiful piece: Your Voice Sings to Me (my first attempt at a Haiku)
Most helpful piece: Meditation and Self Esteem
Most popular piece: Borderline Personality Disorder
Most controversial piece: - Hate
Most surprisingly successful piece: Bipolar Quote of the day
Most underrated piece: Barrel In Your Mouth
The 7 blogging peers that I nominate, in no particular order, for this award are as follows:
http://jillgallagher.wordpress.com/
http://visionsofapollo.wordpress.com/
http://mountainmissy.wordpress.com
http://letlifeinpractices.wordpress.com
http://samoliver.wordpress.com
http://pauleglee.wordpress.com
http://angelschoice.wordpress.com
Day 16/30
Day 16: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it.
Blegh, body talk huh?
Well, overall I believe I am happy with what was given to me… and what not.
I could certainly use a bit of exercise… but I would do that more for health than for looks. I would say I am fairly comfortable with my body…again, it has taken time for me to feel that way. Low self-esteem can do major damage but as I grow and learn more about myself, I can say that I am holding myself in higher regards than I have previously.
It doesn’t ask about my favorite trait so I will share it with you anyways… I think it is my eyes… and my smile in a close second.
What do I love?? The boobs. Hahahaha!
Gotta love the boobs… Imma boobie girl.
Meet Me There
Meet Me There
In the middle, meet me there.
Would I dare?
Musings of a fine lined…
Tantalizing love affair.
Imagination aflame…
Searing images not to be tamed.
Bewilderment…Curiosity…
Chaos of emotion, certain to reign.
Passion ignites, takes flight.
A stellar light…
Shines through the deep,
The darkness of night.
You bring about a particular ‘air’…
Whimsical and fair.
A simple stroll through fantasy,
Energy rare.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Mishka~ Above The Bones
So I was thinking… oh yeah, I could use some soft soothing tunes to help me with today and I turned this song on.
When I first discovered it, I was having a hard time in life and surely wanting to go “home”. His voice just calls to me and makes me ponder life in general. Great vibes.
“Filled with compassion, not scarred by anger. No, not blinded by the ashes of the past”.
Re-blogs
My lovely friends, I want to let you know that I will be doing many re-blogs of my OLD posts that will go into the new Bipolarmuse ♥ category. If you are interested in reading them, please do. They are from 2010 and up.
I hope you enjoy, otherwise… just delete what goes to your inbox. LOL.
Thank you for all of your support.
p.s. Many of them will be quite depressing, but if you look at my posts as a “whole”, you can surely see the improvements I have made in life. ♥
A little Bipolarmuse ♥
Ok, 2 things my favorite peeps.
1. I am starting a new category called “Bipolarmuse”. This section is going to have tidbits of my life…not in any chronological order but it will be memory based and true to what I remember. There will be curse words. It is going to be different than how I normally write, but it will be truth as it is my life I am writing.
And secondly!!
2. Calling all graphic artists!! If anyone has skills and can help me create a header for each post, maybe 590×300… I would be soooooo friggin appreciative. I want it simple. Maybe dark Gray background with “Bipolarmuse” in white. Maybe a deep red “heart ♥” to dot the eye or something.
If anyone has these skills they wouldn’t mind sharing, please contact me!! Pretty please. 
Day 15/30
Day 15: Death row meal.
Ohhhhh boy. I have always said that if I went to prison, it wouldn’t be for something minor but for something really bad, and this challenge today proves it! LOL, I kid.
1st off, I am glad I do not have to seriously consider this… cause I remember a time not long ago when I raged in a deep hate for the person who abused my son. That being said, I am glad those feelings are gone, though some of the anger is still there… but the anger serves a purpose.
So for my death row meal: A medium rare filet, lobster, some sauteed green beans and spinach, A ringpop please, bubble gum, and some sliced peaches.
They don’t want me on death row! I would need pictures of my babies with me, the flowers they pick for me when on walks, and I want to be adorned with my ringpop and a candy necklace. I also demand to be chewing bubble gum when they execute me, oh…and YES I must be dusted in glitter… and I MUST be glossy from VS lip-gloss. ♥
Bipolar Quote of the Day
Manic Depression was more than a mental disease: it was a mind-set, it colored everything ~ Terri Cheney
Wow, this is so true. It seems Bipolar (aka Manic Depression) invades every piece of your life…saturates every single fiber of who you are. I have mentioned before that I cannot differentiate myself from the disorder. It does color everything in my life. It is like my entire life, everything I smell, touch, see… is tainted by the color of Bipolar disorder. It is tainted. Literally. Although I think that I need to start looking at this disorder as a blessing.
Does it have catastrophic consequences at times, YES! However, I cannot imagine a life where I do not “feel” so intensely… where I do not “think” so deeply, a place where I do not have the “art” of words. Words make my world come to life and I could not imagine not having the ability to form them into an art.
Is it a curse? Perhaps…. but it is also a “gift”. A gift I wouldn’t wish on anyone… Hahaha.
As far as I personally go… I think it touches my poetry in a beautiful away and it touches my soul and spirit in a way that makes me share my world with you.. the good and the bad… the beautiful… the dark… the light that still shines within me despite my trials and tribulations.
It is worth the fight… the art… the deep thinking. For me anyhow.
Your Voice Sings To Me Haiku Style
Soft and smooth like silk
Tasting of golden honey
Your voice sings to me
© bipolarmuse 2012
I Need The Strength
I Need The Strength
Pain in my heart, how my soul weeps.
To know when to release…
What is not aligned with my higher purpose.
I need the strength, the resolution…
To come to a sound, inspired conclusion.
To transcend what lies on the surface.
What prices will I come to pay?
For this heartache, this very real pain…
Of knowing that which my heart knows.
I need to value myself, love the greater “me”…
Like a bird, I must fly and be free.
Still, my heart is fickle, as my soul silently weeps.
© bipolarmuse 2012
~ This poem was inspired by a Prayer (Mantra) that YAMYAH had written here. ~
Day 13/30
Day 13: Goals
Oh WOW is this a loaded one. There are sooooo many goals on a very personal level that the larger goals have kind of gone to the wayside… not that they are not important…but I want to be working on MYSELF and taking the baby steps necessary to ensure success when it is time to face those big ones.
Some goals:
~ Take care of myself emotionally and mentally.
~ Be who I am.
~ Get over my insecurities, hold my head HIGH, and face what life has in plan for me.
~ Hold the past as a cherished memory instead of as a ball of razorblades.
~ Inspire myself by inspiring others.
~ Learn more.
~ Make more friends.
~ Be an even better Mom DAILY.
~ Love myself. ♥
~ Have more fun!
~ One day, instead of being an unpublished poet, I would like to be a published one. 
I do not want to die like Emily Dickinson and THEN get published… although she never wanted to be… that little fact is besides the point.
ADDICTED
This dubstep music is highly addicting. Another song I am addicted to… and the video is ABSOLUTELY amazing. The song and video make each other. Check it out. If this could take place in our world, there would be ZERO child predators.
First Of The Year (Equinox) – Skrillex
Day 12/30
Day 12: Something you don’t leave the house without.
Hmmmm, I can thing of a few things, so here it goes!
Clothes- peeps really stare you down if you forget these.
Cell-io-yo- Got to have that phone. Anyone remember the days of “beepers”?
My bag… ya know, purse.- This carries the essential lip gloss
Money- when I got some!
KEYS!- I am so bad at saying “where are my keys, could have sworn I set them here”.
Mazzy- My dog! She comes with my for day trips to Mom’s or Sista’s house. She likes visiting.
Klonopin- For the anxiety/panic attacks if I have one.
Bubble Gum- I LOVE it!
I am pretty simple and basically don’t leave the house very often. HAHA
Happy Weekend!! ♥
Red Razorback Bunnies are a SUCCESS!!
The lil ones received their package with the bunnies that I desperately tried to make red and it was a HIT. They were in HOG HEAVEN (pun intended) when they got my lil razorBunnies and I was so happy when I got this picture that I cried. ♥
My Mommy efforts paid off and the babies are happily playing and eating candy.
I asked their Dad if they liked them though they were “rough like a Razorback” and he said~~they like the color…they are like rigor mortis though~~. Dang straight. Those Razorback Bunnies are bulletproof!!!
Babies in RazorBunny HEAVEN
Now I can sleep tight and have a good weekend. xoxo
p.s. My oldest daughter just now informed me she is getting a potbellied pig… one that will stay small forever! Think we could color it red?! I kid! Hehehehe…. but seriously, she is really getting a potbellied pig. Pics to come!
You Never Feel Alone
You Never Feel Alone
I don’t want to know why.
Or how the time flew by.
Or exactly how high…
You may have been flyin.
Or why you chose me,
That one person to be…
Staring at you and see,
Your violent way to leave.
I cannot relate the pain…
How I followed you to your grave.
How nothing is the same…
Or how no one is to blame.
In some way there is peace,
You get to rest in sleep.
What is left is them… and me..
And we wish you didn’t need to leave.
Hope you leapt through stars…
Found your way to Jupiter and Mars.
Erased blemishes and scars.
Look on us who are not far.
We know you had to go,
This I feverishly do know.
You had lost every ounce of hope,
Now, you never feel alone. ♥
© bipolarmuse 2012
**”B” has been on my mind a-lot. The anniversary of his death is coming up (in May) and I feel like I have so much to say. May he be resting, his mind calm, sorrows gone, remembering all who remember him.** ♥
Embrace Change
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another!
Gail Sheehy
Let us speak of change. Most are afraid of it and few are passionate about it. We can say we love to “change” all we want but is that reflected in our actions. I speak for myself when I say that change is good. Growth in self is good. However, to change…we must be willing to be uncomfortable, for that is the way to grow. It is not an easy task to make up your mind and step out of your comfort zone… but that is exactly what must be done in order for Change to come about. It is not instant gratification. It takes time to make that step and come out of your comfort zone to work on the change you wish to be, so it is a long term goal and one that may take time to become “comfortable” with.
We do need to walk away from pieces of who we are in order to gain the new… and while it is not always easy to do, it can be done.
Feed your mind positive affirmations and tell that committee in your head to shut its face… and do not fear to take that step out of your comfort level. You may be pleasantly surprised at what life has in store for you. ♥
Embrace and step out into the winds of Change.
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
