Mark Twain Quote
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. ~Mark Twain
I love Mark Twain. He is one person that I would love to meet if I could go back in time.
How true is this quote?? It speaks volumes to me. I know that forgiveness is a huge step to my healing process and believe me, it is something I am working on. The past is done, no going back, and I do not want this mental baggage that keeps me below the surface of the water I feel like I drown in at times.
But how do you go about forgiving yourself? I know it is a part of letting go, and I know that in doing so, I will feel more at peace.
Some things feel too difficult to forgive. I know that I will never forget, but the pain will lessen with forgiveness.
How do I leap this hurdle? How do I look in the mirror and forgive myself of my past transgressions? Forgive the despicable man who hurt my son.
I know that forgiveness must take place, and that I must learn to love myself in order to heal.
I would love suggestions on how to do so. How to leap over this monstrosity that seems to take over my mind… not at all times, but more frequently than I would like.
Blessings to you all on this beautiful day. ♥
Taking Rides On Dandelion Fluff
Dandelion fluff: When fairies dance upon the air, reach out gently and catch one, fair. Make a wish and hold it tight, then softly toss your pixie back to summers night.
~from the novel The Weight of Silence.
~
Fairies flittering here and there
Against the wonderful night,
So fair.
Riding the moon beams in elegance,
Careless and free, leaving pixie dust
As remnants.
In whispers they call out to me,
To impart their grace,
their peace.
Taking rides on Dandelion fluff,
owning a certain bliss.
Offering a considerate hope, a moment
For me to wish.
Sitting in the beauty of
the night,
Gazing out into the
magnificent sky.
Fairies dancing, playful,
nothing amiss.
To dance, be carefree, relieve my pains,
I wish.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Link in Autism, Bipolar Disorder, and Schizophrenia
My third child, my youngest son, was diagnosed with Autism at a young age. He has a very high functioning form of autism and has excelled in every aspect. His speech is fabulous, his spontaneous speech is getting much better, his interaction with others is pretty good… I don’t see many of the traits he had when diagnosed. He no longer “hand flaps”, and he is pretty good with eye contact. He is HIGHLY intelligent and is over the top in all his test scores. A small, yet silly example: We were walking in costco and they had these HUGE stuffed animals for sale. We were playing with them and of coarse the kiddos each wanted one. Their Dad said, “I don’t think so those are 50$ each”. My 6 yr old, in Kindergarten, looked at the price sticker and said “No Dad, they are 49 dollars and 95 cents not 50$”. He is amazing with numbers. Before he could hardly talk, he know all the numbers to the Thomas the Tank Engine Trains and their names. LOL. That being said, he has severe mood swings and gets very anxious and uncooperative on a whim. He can be happy go lucky one minute and then his mood just flips.
I have been reading about the link to Autism and Mood Disorders. I found it very interesting that most autistic children will have a family history of Bipolar Disorder/Manic Depression.
Here is a short article, including the link for the website I found this information.
From: http://blogs.wsj.com/health/2008/05/05/mental-disorders-in-parents-linked-to-autism-in-kids/
**Parents of children with autism are about twice as likely to have been hospitalized for mental disorders than parents of other kids, says a study published in the journal Pediatrics.
**Depression and personality disorders were more common among mothers but not fathers of autistic kids. The researchers found that schizophrenia was about twice as common in both mothers and fathers of children with autism.
**The link between parental disorders and a child’s autism was present regardless of whether the parent was diagnosed before or after the child. This pattern suggests that the association may be genetic, not a matter of a parent getting depressed over a child’s diagnosis.
**The work confirms earlier findings that showed psychiatric disorders are more common among family members of people with autism. A history of schizophrenia-like psychosis or affective disorder in a parent, for instance, sharply increases the odds of autism for a child.
Here is another link to The Journal of Neuropsychiatry about this subject. This article is, of coarse, a more scholarly article.
I find this interesting because I know that Bipolar Disorder can be highly hereditary. And watching the intense moods my son has, just seems to confirm what these article are saying. I also want to state that my son has always displayed these quick changes in mood since he was about walking age… so this was previous to the abuse he suffered. Also it was noted that some children will be diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorders and then later in life drop that diagnosis and be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
When I found out my son had Autism, I wondered why, and how. He is a beautiful gift from God to be sure… and I think now I may have the answers to my “why” and “how”. ♥
August Wilson Quote
“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” August Wilson quotes
This, my friends, is beauty. “Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength”. No matter the pain we must endure, there is always that light we are able to find. It may not be seen immediately, we must be patient, there is no instant gratification in this process. We are all capable of rising above our challenges, to be free of unnecessary mental anguish. Look hard within. Take note. Fight your demons and find the way out of that hole, find that light. Even some light in the world of darkness brings hope, strength, and the power to heal.
Blessings to you all this lovely night. ♥
Child Abuse
This post is going to be a hard one for me. It has to do with my sons abuser… of which I do not want to say his name. Here is a link to the post I made about him in 2010 http://bipolarmuse.com/2010/04/25/who/ , and also, here is a link about my sons abuse, also written in 2010 http://bipolarmuse.com/2010/06/07/bruised/. Please look over any curse words, I was in a very, very dark, sad, lost state of mind.
Recently I received an email from an ex-girlfriend of the abuser. She stumbled up my blog after googling his name and had some questions for me about this despicable man. Since my sons abuse I had 20/20 vision of coarse and have openly believed and claim that he has a disliking for boys and LOVED girls. Sounds perverted right? I believe this because his actions and simple mannerisms make me feel this way. And of coarse, he abused my son, and not my daughter. He openly professed that he was ecstatic that his children were girls, not boys. This lady contacted me because she had a son and was around the despicable man when her child was a young child…she was concerned that maybe her son had been abused as well. She specifically asked her son if he was abused by despicable man and he assured her he had not been.
I was so grateful her son did not endure what my son had. I cannot even repeat the cruelty he inflicted upon such a sweet innocent boy at the tender age of 4, my son. Hearing from her brought back a wave of emotions and images that I cannot shake at the moment. I take comfort in knowing my son is healthy, happy, and that he is flourishing. 2 years later my son still remembers the horror he went through. It haunts me. He associates me with that horrible man in little ways. I hope in time, that will lessen.
Child abuse is disgusting. And sadly, people get away with it all the time, get a slap on the wrist. When I was going through group counseling to recognize the signs of abuse, all the women were in denial. They did not believe their “boyfriend/spouse” was abusing their child. I was the only person in the group who knew it was despicable man and made clear that it was.
I am mad they didn’t have enough evidence to arrest him for my sons abuse… but I am happy too. Why? Because what he did after sent him to federal prison for 15 years. He robbed banks, and restaurants and did not get away with it.
Justice sometimes comes back around… maybe not in the way we would like. For child abuse, he would have had a light sentence, for armed robbery, 15 yrs is wonderful.
But why my son? I ask that question all the time. Why my precious little boy?
Ernest Hemingway Quote
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
So much truth to this wonderful quote from Hemingway, a very troubled man himself.
I feel like a great deal of my writing comes from pain and my poetry is a release from that pain that builds up. My poetry comes from a sad place that has always resided with me. Sadly, melancholy has had a place with me longer than happiness and I have come to a point in my life where a change must take place, and it is a change I am continually working on.
I was once told by a very brilliant woman that I did not suffer from a broken heart, but rather a bleeding heart. Broken could be fixed, bleeding is another matter in itself. I believe her point was that I feel pain with magnified senses. My normal mental pain is similar to what a person goes through when they grieve for a loss. They grieve during times when grief is expected. My grieving is constant.
When I was in therapy, my therapist was speechless over my intense pain. Pain that should have lessened over time but that still hung on to me like it happened two minutes ago. The wounds were always fresh. She told me I was in a constant state of grief. That is when I began learning about mindfulness and skills to help me to keep my emotions in a more acceptable, less painful range.
To my fellow writers, May we continue to sit at our keyboards and “bleed”. I believe it is healing and makes for beautiful works. ♥
1-in-100 Warrior Award
~This award is more than an honor to me… it feels like it is also a milestone in my journey to healing.~
**From Miro’s blog itself:
“Out of every one hundred men, ten shouldn’t even be there, eighty are just targets, nine are the real fighters, and we are lucky to have them, for they make the battle. Ah, but the one, one is a warrior, and he will bring the others back.” ~Heraclitus
Courage. Honesty. Fearlessness. Grace. Peace. Service to others. No complaints. Nothing thought of as a blessing or a curse; everything simply accepted as another challenge to be conquered.
They’re not perfect, and don’t try to be, because they know such aspirations are futile. But they do the absolute best they can with what they’ve been given. Warriors no longer have potential. They are potent! They understand that knowledge is knowing, but wisdom is doing. And they are a very rare breed: as Heraclitus once said, only one out of every one hundred is a true warrior. This award is named in honor of those words and that truth. The symbol of the sword is used to represent their courage and strength, and the symbol of the feather quill pen represents their grace, beauty and creativity.
Guidelines for the 1-in-100 Warrior Award: Warriors are not motivated by awards or fame. They see awards not as an opportunity for the ego to rejoice, but rather an opportunity to honor other warrior brothers and sisters. To acknowledge and honor the rarity of the warrior, it is recommended that the recipient passes this award on to only *one* other blogger that they feel goes above and beyond to serve and inspire others, and who maintains their grace and positivity even in the face of difficult challenges, such as health issues, tragedy, injustice or loss.
Once an author is given the award, they may continue nominating one new blog author once a week, month, year… or whatever seems appropriate. It’s like a knight’s ability to bestow knighthood onto another whenever they choose. But only one at a time. The patience of a warrior is required. **
~ I just want to say that I put allot of thought into who I would like to give this award to, and I am grateful that I can give it weekly, or monthly, because so many people here have inspired me and deserve the 1-in-100 Warrior Award.~
~~ I would like to nominate Celeste, Mortal Hearts With Immortal Souls at http://celestealluvial.wordpress.com/
As I have journeyed along this blog world and met new friends, she has inspired me very much and has shown me that life can be a beautiful road, even with the bumps we encounter along the way. Her blog is positive and beautiful, and powerful in the way that her words move me. Celeste is a selfless, kind soul and has offered me much support and lifts me up daily in her thoughts so I can find a healing path, as she knows I truly can. As I have gotten to know her personally, I KNOW that obstacles I face, and those of many others, can be overcome.Celeste has shown me that there is a light at the end of the darkness and that I can make my journey to that light. She has found peace within herself that she lovingly wants to share with me… and that peace is expressed in her blog as well. I encourage you to find inspiration, as I have, in her writings. She picks me up again, and again, and I am so happy I have found such a wonderful person and a beautiful blog to help guide me in this confusing world.Thank you Celeste, you have touched my heart and soul.
Again, her blog is http://celestealluvial.wordpress.com/
Please visit, and enjoy.
♥
A Year Ago
A Year Ago
Lost, lonely, confused and dazed.
Sad, frightened, drinking during the day.
The hours, minutes, seconds on the clock,
Meant nothing. Just an annoying “tick tock”.
Living each night, hooting with the owls.
Days just as easy, drowning time in alcohol.
Losing sight of goals lined up, goal defined…
During a very distressed, manic state of mind.
Surely to not succeed, to tall and high, those dreams.
Created from just a fraction of the one I call “me”.
Sorrow and Failure enveloped me. Wicked tools.
The devil brandishes them, just wicked fools.
But they plant seeds and plot my destruction,
Barely a fight in me, other than to follow instructions.
I know I am not destined to leave in this way,
I reach out to those, who won’t give up for me, not today.
I prayed for my babies to light the road, the right path.
Sacrifices were made. Though most made me more sad.
I had to fight, giving up was not an option for me…
Fight for them, fight for me. No other way to be.
I cried all hours of the day, and at night I could pretend…
Life was amazing, full of purpose, just Grand.
I crash and burned each and every day.
Was never sure how long I could endure the pain.
Endless phone calls, desperation… all I could do was cry.
Slept on the couch of a dear friend, when I feared for my life.
A year ago, sadly this was the tale of me.
One year later, though not healed, I am much more complete.
Sadness, an old friend, can still reign.
But now, in this loving place, happiness has a place.
♥
© bipolarmuse 2012
Lets Talk Mood Swings~ and a Quote
“On a bad day I have mood swings- but on a good day, I have the whole mood playground”.
~Charles Rosenblum
I have been reflecting on my blog and looking through my various posts and poems.
I do not know if my faithful followers have noticed, but I can see a significant mood swing simply by my works alone on this blog… but only one. Granted, I am usually pretty fortunate and very in tune with my moods and I can usually spot them from a mile away. This one I didn’t really see. Why? Because it was very gradual.
I believe I started off in a normal mood, and then it gradually escalated to perhaps a “hypo-manic” type, and then cycling (which would explain the crying spells/blues/irritation though I felt overall pretty well), and then a bit of depression. A “normal” depression though because it came after I visited my babies, so that is a normal “grieving” process. Sadly, it has lasted over a week, but I do feel a steady increase in it wearing off. Yesterday was a sad day, but also one to rejoice in. And today I get to shop for discounted Valentine’s items which makes me happy. Here I come knee high socks covered in hearts and my favorite, Ring Pops!
I just noticed the mood swing and wanted to see if anyone else had noticed it a little bit. LOL, or maybe I am off my rocker. Hehe, just a joke. Got to have fun and laugh… it is good for the soul.
As for the quote, I found it hilarious! HAHA, the “whole mood playground”? I am not sure if I would only want the swings or the whole enchilada but nevertheless, I found it funny and thought I would share.
I hope all had a nice Valentine’s Day and showed themselves and others some love… and continue it daily. We deserve that for ourselves… and kindness to others will help us as well. ♥
A Robert Frost Quote
The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
I have always interpreted this quote for myself in relation to my mood disorders. Relating the woods to death, or giving up this good fight as I like to call it…
But the rest of the quote is what inspires me.
” I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep”.
There is such beauty in this quote. I remind myself that I have promises to myself, to those that I hold near and dear, to my beautiful babies, to my Creator. This fight is never in vain. It is worth every struggle, each pain endured, every tear shed.
It is the good fight my friends… and no matter the struggles, just hold onto whatever faith and whatever hope you can find.
Simple words from a friend, a smile, a kind gesture, the beauty and hope that a new day offers, your dreams and goals. Always start small, baby steps, to reach the bigger aspirations.
And do not forget to love yourself, to LEARN how to love yourself. Say to yourself… ” I am worth it “… because you truly are.
♥ Love and Light my friends. May you have peace and beauty in this day.
I am Learning Still
I am Learning Still.
” Oh my son, Look at what I’ve done.
But I am learning still, learning still,
Know that I am learning still. ” Missy Higgins
~When I was visiting my smallest children this past week… my son (who is six) was asking the difficult questions that parents often face. I wish they were easy questions, like why is the sky blue? Or, why do birds fly south for the winter?
Oh, no. His questions were about broken hearts, and why I hurt his Dad… and why I moved him to a new place where he was hurt ( he was abused by a despicable person ). All I could do was cry, and apologize over and over, for I know he hurts so.~
**My dear son,
Some things just cannot be answered.
I would have readily taken your place,
Taken the abuse, hurt, pain.
I just pray you do not question my love…
**
For you,
I would take away your painful memories.
I would sacrifice my very life.
Readily take away every sliver of your pain, your strife.
Take the poison. To prove my love for you.
**
I cry every single day.
For all the pain my actions caused.
Still a fresh wound, a kind of mourning.
Know that I am learning still. Please forgive me.
Standing, or kneeling, for you I constantly pray.
**
© bipolarmuse 2012
Have Faith
“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly”
Sometimes the darkness can be overwhelming, and that is where faith and hope reside, or where they should. I remind myself of this quote often because I need a beacon of light to direct me, to offer me faith that things will and do get better.
In time.
Don’t you hate the “In Time” phrase? I know that I hate hearing it, but there is so much truth in that short phrase. We all want instant gratification, which is not the way to faith and peace. Patience is the way. Finding faith in ourselves is the way. Finding faith that builds us up is the way.
So have faith, feel the power that whether in the darkness or light, you will have something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
♥
Aspire
Dream
Hope
Bipolar Quote by David Lovelace
“It’s difficult. I take a low dose of lithium nightly. I take an antidepressant for my darkness because prayer isn’t enough. My therapist hears confession twice a month, my shrink delivers the host, and I can stand in the woods and see the world spark.”
― David Lovelace
I really wish I knew what the end of the quote means. “I can stand in the woods and see the world spark”.
To me, I almost wonder if the “woods” is in reference to his mind, and then how he sees everything through his own eyes. If you have any ideas, please share!
I had an experience that reminds me of this last line that I want to share with you. ~ After my diagnosis of Bipolar 2 disorder, I was in serious denial but out of amusement decided to take the meds prescribed to me. At the time, it was Wellbutrin and Depakote. NOT A GOOD COMBO for me. One day, in the depths of my sorrow and anguish, I decided to go to the park. It was huge with a large pond and a walking trail that circled this very large pond. I guess it is a fair assumption to say that I was suicidal. I sat on a bench that faced the pond and just stared out. All I remember was how everything seemed to have a “spark” about it. Everything was intensely magnified and it seemed like these little beams of energy were popping off from everything I looked at. The sky seemed to be “sparked” with some sort of little bursting bubbles. (And just for record, this was not a psychotic episode). What I DO believe is that it was the beginning of my very first Manic episode. The sun was too intense, the breeze too intense, the sound of other people enjoying themselves was too intense. Even as I got up and walked, the ground beneath my feet felt too intense, like I could feel each pebble or uneven surface. I was fascinated, as everything from sight, sound, touch, and olfactory senses was magnified. My brain was firing off in a way I had never experienced. Low and behold, it was a manic episode. After days of running around with no sleep… working with zero sleep, going out all night long, again with zero sleep… now repeat this many days in a row. I finally called a Doc at the pleading of a friend with a degree in psychology, and stopped the medications, but added a sleeping pill. In hindsight, and more experiences to compare with this, Wellbutrin was the devil. It set into motion the mania that soon became my wicked friend. Only a little less wicked than depression.
I never had that extreme of a manic episode again until 2008, 5 years later. Then in 2008, same thing happened. Hot felt cold, cold felt hot… the lights in grocery stores were too bright… and so on. This manic/hypo-manic episode lasted from 2008-2011. I was rapid cycling. Unbelievably so. I thought one of two things was happening… I was going crazy, or I was going to die. ~
Stupid Bipolar Disorder
Inspirational Quote??
“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
Thomas Edison
My oh my… doesn’t he have that right? It is positivity spun on the webs of failure, yet it is not failing is it?
The more we learn from past mistakes, the better we can recognize those patterns in our future.
I seem to lean more torward the “glass half empty” outlook, but if taken into heart this quote, are we not triumphant in our efforts regardless… and is it not a life lesson to be learned from?
The only failure is to not recognize the mistakes and to continue making them.
I have seen my mistakes and I am working hard to refrain from doing them all over again. A learning process my friends. Nothing comes easily… especially for the deep thinkers in this world.
May we all be blessed with insight and growth. I know that is what I strive for.
♥ Love and light
My Soul Enwrapped by Your Loveliness
For it was not into my ear that you whispered, but into my heart, It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. ~ Judy Garland
My soul enwrapped by your loveliness,
Your unrelenting spirit.
Like a dagger in my throat,
My burning anguish, will not
Let me go.
My catalyst, this burning fire,
Burns like kerosene flowing,
Through my fiery veins.
Reaching. Praying. Anticipating.
My desire for you to never wane.
To be within my pining grasp.
Twinkling inside my mortal wight.
Your sparkle, shimmer, light up my life.
In your strength, you give me ambition.
My soul enwrapped by your loveliness. Your light.
© bipolarmuse 2012
A Quote About Madness
You always have the choice to move forward
I do not like using terms like “mad, or crazy” unless it is in reference to myself and in a joking manner. 
That being said, I have found an interesting quote to share with you.
“Mad is the man who is forever gritting his teeth against that granite block, complete and changeless, of the past” Antoine de Saint-Exupery quotes
Maybe I am taking this quote incorrectly but what I get from it is this… we become destructive and toxic to ourselves for continuing to go back and relive the pain of our past. It is futile. It is impossible to fix. It cannot be changed. So why do we keep these wounds open, pouring salt into them? To feel “something”? Why keep it real and fresh?? Do we feel that if we let it go, that maybe, just maybe… it was never ours at all?? I think of this often as I frequently visit my past, only to hurt myself by doing so. I need to stop this pattern and it is something that I practice daily. Sometimes a horrid thought will pop up in my mind and the tears just come… no stopping them. Sometimes I pull out of it by reminding myself that I cannot make it better. All I have is this day. And in this day, I have unlimited possibilities to prevent the past from reoccurring. To forge forward and create a better tomorrow.
Light and Love my Friends ♥
p.s. I would love to hear you thought about this quote… what you take from it.
Many Are Strong In the Broken Places
“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.” Ernest Hemingway
This is a beautiful strong statement that rings validity. Think of it this way… broken bones in your body heal pretty darn quickly… the legs being the slowest because they are weight bearing. Within a certain amount of time (I think 1 year, maybe less), a broken bone is completely healed and is in actuality stronger where it was broken. (Please correct me if I am incorrect).
Isn’t that a testament to who we are as humans?? When we feel broken and shattered, in time… the strength becomes more than it had ever been. The will and determination ignites with a fierce passion. The hard part is that we want instant gratification instead of waiting for that healing and building process to take place.
Have faith my friends… we heal. Maybe slowly at first, but with diligence and perseverance we can do it! I believe in the power of the human spirit!!
Mood Swing Quote for Monday!!
“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Wow. Today has been a seriously overwhelming day. I went from happy (or the best version of it I can find) the last couple weeks to falling flat on my face. Crying from the moment I awoke… and still at this moment.
This, my friends, is Bipolar. Ugly, vile, shattering, not a discerning reason for the swing.
I will pick myself up again, I always do.
Someday the tears will sting less, the sorrow dwindle. I would rather it be sooner than later… Please.
Mindfulness For Sunday
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~ Dalai Lama
This quote truly needs to be taken by heart. How many times have we offered love, compassion, and kindness to friends and loved ones, even at times to strangers in need… offering hope, reminding them that the events they are hurting from will become easier.
Yet we do not take the time to do so for ourselves.
For myself personally, I am my worst enemy. It was brought to my attention that I still retain much guilt over the pain of my past. Past mistakes that, because I was not fully in control of my emotions, has caused me terrible grief. A mourning if you would. A hurting from the pain I have caused to others as well. I continue to inflict this pain upon myself and keep the wounds open, not allowing full healing to take place.
Friends, this love and compassion, yes it must be extended to others. It gives a great feeling within to do so… brings a peace and an enlightenment. Yet, we must also water our own souls with this same loving kindness and compassion. We must forgive ourselves. How that is done, I am not sure. I do believe acceptance is the key, and a lesson I am learning the hard way.
I have hurt myself the most by my past. Others have already moved forward and accepted it, but perhaps never forgetting, the terrible pain I have caused. I must move forward and do the same. I must love me. In doing so, I will open my heart and learn to fully love others.
I am, as I have mentioned before… a work in progress.
I will do it, I have faith.
Mindfulness thought of today.
I agree.
If you do not experience hardships or sorrow, how do you know and experience the true value of happiness and personal growth?
I do not believe in such a thing as “always happy”, but I do believe in peace. Even in our darkest moments, there is light… you just may have to search a little harder to see it. There is the peace that comes with acceptance and going with the flow, though sometimes our minds want to rebel against such a thing.
Yesterday and its sadness, mistakes, and shortcomings are gone… no time machines to go back and fix it. Today, this moment, we can make changes to prevent the wrong doings of our past from repeating itself. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Right this moment is the only moment we have. We can still plan for the future and have hopes, dreams, and goals, but take the steps to reach them today… and hope tomorrow comes.
If not, you lived today to its fullest potential, and find contentment in that knowledge.
p.s. Never pass an opportunity to offer love and kindness.
Bipolar Quote of Every Few Days
“The greatest communication barrier known to man is the lack of the common core of experience “When’s the last time you had a Manic Episode Doctor”?”
― Stanley Victor Paskavich
Oh my, oh my. I think I appreciate Docs who suffer or who have a personal experience with mood disorders (aside from their patients that is). How do you explain a depression, a mood, that makes you sleep 15+ hours a day?? Or makes you stay in pajamas for days on end without you not sounding “lazy”??
Or how do you explain the circus you heard in the hall from “psychosis”, from the inability to sleep? The images that scroll through your mind 50mph that leave you exhausted? The 10 books you have just begun reading at the same time, or the 10 different projects you took on only to leave them all incomplete? How do you explain the decisions that destroyed your life during a manic episode?? Or how you feel like you cannot go on because the life you lived is now in a billion shards on the floor under your bleeding body??
How do you explain such things to a person who has zero personal experience in the matter of mood disorders…aside from textbooks?
A difficult balance indeed.
What a fun convo with your PDoc though, ” So Doc, tell me, are you a manic depressive? Do you lack interest in activities? Or become promiscuous when manic?” LOL… I should ask my Doc.
Bipolar Quote of The Day!
I know I am not consistent with these…lol…but I AM working on it.
“I compare myself with my former self, not with others. Not only that, I tend to compare my current self with the best I have been, which is when I have been midly manic. When I am my present “normal” self, I am far removed from when I have been my liveliest, most productive, most intense, most outgoing and effervescent. In sort, for myself, I am a hard act to follow.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness
The last sentence, ” In sort, for myself, I am a hard act to follow”.
This speaks magnitudes, especially when one is manic. When in a “happy” state of mania, dreams are constructed, projects created or renewed, creativity and confidence are both at full steam. I have visions of a brighter future, of independence from dependence, of happiness radiating from within myself to the point I can “feel”, taste it on my tongue because I am so close. In mania, I have taught myself to crochet (don’t laugh) and I will post my most recent finished creation at the bottom of this post… I have also taught myself to make wax melts like “Scentsy”, before they even came out, I taught myself to make candles, how to build a website (from builders though, lol, not HTML), I can read book after book… you name it, I can do it. I become the social butterfly and can go to commitment after commitment, have large amounts of fun, speak publicly without nervousness. But at some point, the crash comes. I have 20 projects lying around unfinished, the hopes and dreams for the future slap me with reality (it takes baby steps), and then the depression is unbearable. I become a recluse unable to even get out of pajamas. Sorrow envelopes me.
But for a brief time, my contagious laughter, fun and energetic charisma, my very aura… it truly is a hard act to follow.
My recent crochet project, made for my oldest son, a blanket: 
Bipolar Quote of The Day…
“Stability is a place that bipolar people visit. None of us actually live there.”—GLORIA
I absolutely LOVE this quote. I live and breathe it… literally. My feelings and emotions can wax and wane on a moments notice and many times it is not something that I can control (though I am trying hard to learn to do so).
My life is the epitome of instability. I have longed for a stable safe haven so that I could raise my children and feel “normal” but have failed to do such… and as a result…my children have been in the custody of their Fathers.
It does hurt me tremendously to not have them. At first, I just felt like I was a bad person, a bad Mom. Now I realize that though many people with this disorder function highly and don’t disrupt and destroy their lives… there is a high number of those of us who do make catastrophic decisions trying to pick up the pieces in the aftermath of our destruction.
Now, though I love my children more than I could ever express, and I truly know that they are the very air that I breathe… I sometimes feel that maybe THEY were blessed by having very stable Fathers so that they did not have to witness every single depressed/manic episode, or experience every move I have had to make due to high instability. Sometimes I believe that they are blessed to not see me in constant turmoil… and I truly do the very best I can as a Mother to them. They are my world… and I want to show it, more than say it. I am a constant work in progress.
I not only long to be able to function highly in society… but I would just LOVE to be a highly functioning Bipolar person. Struggling a little less, contributing allot more.
I am getting there. ♥
HATE
~ Anger is like fire. It burns all clean. –Maya Angelou~
I have lived Hate…
Though it was not an emotion
I previously knew.
I have learned HATE…
To foam at the mouth and feel unbelievable,
Uncontrollable rage.
I have tasted HATE.
If I had one moment with you,
I would more than gladly remove life,
From your eyes, the air from your lungs.
I have breathed HATE.
I have struggled with injurious effort
To move past your cruelty,
To turn the page. To burn away this rage.
I have fed off of this HATE.
I loathe you. Hope you know, smell…
The depths of Hell.
My son, inflicted by your inhuman hands,
I have become grievous HATE.
My son bruised, by you…
A monster. Undeserving of being.
I have become HATE.
But now, my beautiful son healing…
I must heal…
Release what binds me, hurts me so.
I must learn to release this HATE.
My son: my healing light is for you.
© bipolarmuse 2012
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
