Spark ~ Haiku Style
Enrapturing blaze
Eyes spark like glorious stars
Darkness flees from me
© bipolarmuse 2012
Day 16/30
Day 16: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it.
Blegh, body talk huh?
Well, overall I believe I am happy with what was given to me… and what not.
I could certainly use a bit of exercise… but I would do that more for health than for looks. I would say I am fairly comfortable with my body…again, it has taken time for me to feel that way. Low self-esteem can do major damage but as I grow and learn more about myself, I can say that I am holding myself in higher regards than I have previously.
It doesn’t ask about my favorite trait so I will share it with you anyways… I think it is my eyes… and my smile in a close second.
What do I love?? The boobs. Hahahaha!
Gotta love the boobs… Imma boobie girl.
Meet Me There
Meet Me There
In the middle, meet me there.
Would I dare?
Musings of a fine lined…
Tantalizing love affair.
Imagination aflame…
Searing images not to be tamed.
Bewilderment…Curiosity…
Chaos of emotion, certain to reign.
Passion ignites, takes flight.
A stellar light…
Shines through the deep,
The darkness of night.
You bring about a particular ‘air’…
Whimsical and fair.
A simple stroll through fantasy,
Energy rare.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Mishka~ Above The Bones
So I was thinking… oh yeah, I could use some soft soothing tunes to help me with today and I turned this song on.
When I first discovered it, I was having a hard time in life and surely wanting to go “home”. His voice just calls to me and makes me ponder life in general. Great vibes.
“Filled with compassion, not scarred by anger. No, not blinded by the ashes of the past”.
Re-blogs
My lovely friends, I want to let you know that I will be doing many re-blogs of my OLD posts that will go into the new Bipolarmuse ♥ category. If you are interested in reading them, please do. They are from 2010 and up.
I hope you enjoy, otherwise… just delete what goes to your inbox. LOL.
Thank you for all of your support.
p.s. Many of them will be quite depressing, but if you look at my posts as a “whole”, you can surely see the improvements I have made in life. ♥
A little Bipolarmuse ♥
Ok, 2 things my favorite peeps.
1. I am starting a new category called “Bipolarmuse”. This section is going to have tidbits of my life…not in any chronological order but it will be memory based and true to what I remember. There will be curse words. It is going to be different than how I normally write, but it will be truth as it is my life I am writing.
And secondly!!
2. Calling all graphic artists!! If anyone has skills and can help me create a header for each post, maybe 590×300… I would be soooooo friggin appreciative. I want it simple. Maybe dark Gray background with “Bipolarmuse” in white. Maybe a deep red “heart ♥” to dot the eye or something.
If anyone has these skills they wouldn’t mind sharing, please contact me!! Pretty please. 
Day 15/30
Day 15: Death row meal.
Ohhhhh boy. I have always said that if I went to prison, it wouldn’t be for something minor but for something really bad, and this challenge today proves it! LOL, I kid.
1st off, I am glad I do not have to seriously consider this… cause I remember a time not long ago when I raged in a deep hate for the person who abused my son. That being said, I am glad those feelings are gone, though some of the anger is still there… but the anger serves a purpose.
So for my death row meal: A medium rare filet, lobster, some sauteed green beans and spinach, A ringpop please, bubble gum, and some sliced peaches.
They don’t want me on death row! I would need pictures of my babies with me, the flowers they pick for me when on walks, and I want to be adorned with my ringpop and a candy necklace. I also demand to be chewing bubble gum when they execute me, oh…and YES I must be dusted in glitter… and I MUST be glossy from VS lip-gloss. ♥
Bipolar Quote of the Day
Manic Depression was more than a mental disease: it was a mind-set, it colored everything ~ Terri Cheney
Wow, this is so true. It seems Bipolar (aka Manic Depression) invades every piece of your life…saturates every single fiber of who you are. I have mentioned before that I cannot differentiate myself from the disorder. It does color everything in my life. It is like my entire life, everything I smell, touch, see… is tainted by the color of Bipolar disorder. It is tainted. Literally. Although I think that I need to start looking at this disorder as a blessing.
Does it have catastrophic consequences at times, YES! However, I cannot imagine a life where I do not “feel” so intensely… where I do not “think” so deeply, a place where I do not have the “art” of words. Words make my world come to life and I could not imagine not having the ability to form them into an art.
Is it a curse? Perhaps…. but it is also a “gift”. A gift I wouldn’t wish on anyone… Hahaha.
As far as I personally go… I think it touches my poetry in a beautiful away and it touches my soul and spirit in a way that makes me share my world with you.. the good and the bad… the beautiful… the dark… the light that still shines within me despite my trials and tribulations.
It is worth the fight… the art… the deep thinking. For me anyhow.
Your Voice Sings To Me Haiku Style
Soft and smooth like silk
Tasting of golden honey
Your voice sings to me
© bipolarmuse 2012
Day 13/30
Day 13: Goals
Oh WOW is this a loaded one. There are sooooo many goals on a very personal level that the larger goals have kind of gone to the wayside… not that they are not important…but I want to be working on MYSELF and taking the baby steps necessary to ensure success when it is time to face those big ones.
Some goals:
~ Take care of myself emotionally and mentally.
~ Be who I am.
~ Get over my insecurities, hold my head HIGH, and face what life has in plan for me.
~ Hold the past as a cherished memory instead of as a ball of razorblades.
~ Inspire myself by inspiring others.
~ Learn more.
~ Make more friends.
~ Be an even better Mom DAILY.
~ Love myself. ♥
~ Have more fun!
~ One day, instead of being an unpublished poet, I would like to be a published one. 
I do not want to die like Emily Dickinson and THEN get published… although she never wanted to be… that little fact is besides the point.
ADDICTED
This dubstep music is highly addicting. Another song I am addicted to… and the video is ABSOLUTELY amazing. The song and video make each other. Check it out. If this could take place in our world, there would be ZERO child predators.
First Of The Year (Equinox) – Skrillex
Red Razorback Bunnies are a SUCCESS!!
The lil ones received their package with the bunnies that I desperately tried to make red and it was a HIT. They were in HOG HEAVEN (pun intended) when they got my lil razorBunnies and I was so happy when I got this picture that I cried. ♥
My Mommy efforts paid off and the babies are happily playing and eating candy.
I asked their Dad if they liked them though they were “rough like a Razorback” and he said~~they like the color…they are like rigor mortis though~~. Dang straight. Those Razorback Bunnies are bulletproof!!!
Babies in RazorBunny HEAVEN
Now I can sleep tight and have a good weekend. xoxo
p.s. My oldest daughter just now informed me she is getting a potbellied pig… one that will stay small forever! Think we could color it red?! I kid! Hehehehe…. but seriously, she is really getting a potbellied pig. Pics to come!
Embrace Change
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another!
Gail Sheehy
Let us speak of change. Most are afraid of it and few are passionate about it. We can say we love to “change” all we want but is that reflected in our actions. I speak for myself when I say that change is good. Growth in self is good. However, to change…we must be willing to be uncomfortable, for that is the way to grow. It is not an easy task to make up your mind and step out of your comfort zone… but that is exactly what must be done in order for Change to come about. It is not instant gratification. It takes time to make that step and come out of your comfort zone to work on the change you wish to be, so it is a long term goal and one that may take time to become “comfortable” with.
We do need to walk away from pieces of who we are in order to gain the new… and while it is not always easy to do, it can be done.
Feed your mind positive affirmations and tell that committee in your head to shut its face… and do not fear to take that step out of your comfort level. You may be pleasantly surprised at what life has in store for you. ♥
Embrace and step out into the winds of Change.
Day 11/30
Day 11: A quote you love.
I love so many quotes it is truly hard to break it down to simply 1. I may sneak a couple in if I am feeling frisky.
“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”~Judy Garland
This quote just sinks into the core of who I am and makes me melt. Most people think of this quote as a romantic love… but for me, I think of my children… for they are my heart and soul.
“My ideas usually come not at my desk writing but in the midst of living.”~ Anais Nin
This quote is the truth! I cannot tell how many times I have been out doing something and it will strike a creative moment where stanzas just come to me and I have nothing to write them on. So I have promised myself to get a small tablet of paper to keep with me… and I have yet to do it. LOL.
Anais Nin
Off With Their Heads!
Off With their Heads!
As the red queen says.
I fight the enemy,
As invisible as they may be.
You may rage in my mind,
But you will die, in due time.
I fight for my true “self”.
Fend off the heat of Hell.
I can say for certain,
I’m a sponge, simply observing.
You will not last long…
I will not allow you to sing my song.
Fight with mighty power dear Ego
One day, you will let go.
You will lose, you see?
Everyday I take back “me”.
Off with their Heads! As it goes…
You will cease, as your head rolls.
© bipolarmuse 2012
** This poem was inspired by my determination and will to not allow these mood disorders to continue taking over who I am. I refuse and I know each day I win the little battles… soon it will be the big ones too.**
Dubstep
A picture of me and the side of my lovely sons head.
P.S. I crocheted his beanie!
He is so good at NOT getting pics with me… arrggghhh (my angry pirate jargon).
So, the last couple months or so, he has introduced me to a new form of music called Dubstep. At first I was like, “Is it a dance, or is it a style of music”. I know it is music, but there is also a certain style of dance that goes with it as you can see in the first video listed below. Gah, I wish I could dance. What I can tell you is that it is a genre of electric dance music, though it is much slower tempo-ed than Techno. I was a fan of Techno for a while, back in the day and this music reminds me of it, only “softer” if that makes sense. They do a-lot of remixes Dubstep style. I love the changing of the beats and find the music a bit soothing. I have found conflicting information about the BPM of Dubstep music. Some say it is 70BPM and others say 140BPM. Read a little about it in this forum if you like.
One characteristic of certain strands of dubstep is the wobble bass, where an extended bass note is manipulated rhythmically.~ Wikipedia.
My favorite song that has been remixed into Dubstep is Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People.. Check it out.
This is how my son and I have been bonding lately… he is more the silent type with me (like his Dad, lol) but he loves to show me new music in this genre…and I LOVE watching him dance to it.
Another song that I was introduced to by Sediment_ and_ Such is Crave You by Flight Facilities.
Here is the vid.
For me it is music I could veg with… or trip with, but I don’t do drugs so I will stick with vegging.
Hope you check out these videos, even if just for a second. I wanted to share these songs with you along with my bonding experience with my son. He ROCKS. ♥ We don’t talk for hours, instead he shows me music, games, and hilariously crude funny stuff. He is very good at getting you by saying “That’s what she said” after you say something it would pertain to…so I have to watch my mouth around him. LOL
Rumi quote
There are days when my mind will not stay still and it continuously runs memories through my mind like a reel.
When I found this quote, it reminded me that I need to practice quieting the committee in my head and start trying to focus on just my breathing and nothingness. When I put this into practice, I notice that I am more calm and at ease… and feel closer to my true self. Whether you believe in a Higher Power or not, this process gets you a step closer to your true self… to the exact “being” that you are… and you can connect with a beautiful light and energy that will help to heal your mind and heart.
This is what I wish for us all. ♥
Day 9/30
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend.
My oldest daughter and I
My best friend. Ahhhhh, I have had a few over the years but I must admit that my 17 year old daughter is truly my best friend. She has no fear telling me I am in the wrong. LOL. And she is always right. She may be young but if you were to meet her and speak to her, she holds herself with such class and respect… she seems 30yrs old in her maturity.
We had a riff for a while and it was so devastating to me. She was very angry at me for moving away from her and my oldest son. I was in dire need of help though and needed mental help to remain in this world…so I made the sacrifice and worried that I may have lost her. After about 9-10 months she came around and began talking to me again. My heart swells with happiness and love just typing this. We made amends and now speak consistently several times a week and for an hour at a time. I enjoy my time with her…we shop, just drive in the car and talk, go for Dr. Pepper runs, and can have conversations about any topic. Truly my bestie. ♥
Naughty Red Razorback Red Bunnies!!
Ok, these bunnies are about to get it! Well, not really because I have already mailed them to the babies. What I didn’t realize was that the Dharma pigment Dye was somewhat like paint… so the bunnies are not soft but rather rough feeling. UGH. So, in cards that I made for my little ones, I explained that not only did I make them Razorback red bunnies but that their hair was also as rough as a real Razorbacks! Clever huh? I am just hoping they buy it and don’t toss them in the garbage. Hahahaha. I washed them, blow dried them, brushed them, and nothing made the hair softer. Lesson learned. I guess they will have to do. LOL
Naughty Red Razorback, scratchy bunnies.
Unafraid of Change
Unafraid of Change
I try, with valiant effort to ride these waves
Of a most troubled, turbulent life.
To myself I apologize,
As it is myself who I hurt most in this grand play.
Every day bringing new adventures, growth, change.
The beauty of existence is thriving,
Of being. Succeeding. In my own skin “arrive”.
Like a river, the current strong yet I am not afraid.
Holding my head up… I face tomorrow. My heart brave.
It may not bring my exact dreams, but such is this beautiful life.
Dreams ride on moon beams, magical and bright.
So dreams, pure and charming, I dynamically chase. Unafraid of change.
© bipolarmuse 2012
Love and Laughter
May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. ~Unknown
What a beautiful sentiment that we can all find beauty in. Sometimes it feels like love eludes me, except for my children, but I know that deep down there is a place in me that love dwells, deep in my spirit and heart. I work continuously to let these granite walls down…to break them down… not an easy task but I am forever learning and growing.
Laughter is such a healing expression. I always feel better when I get a good laugh at something… so when I feel down, I will watch something that I KNOW will make me crack up. Sometimes it takes effort on my part, but once I get rolling with it, I feel so much better.
May you take this beautiful quote and take it to heart… find the love that exists in your dreams, and the laughter that heals your yesterdays.
♥
Mood Disorders and the Artist
If any of you love to read… and especially psychology books, you would love “Touched with Fire” by Kay Redfield Jamison. She does a great job in her research of poets of long ago and connects them with a possible mood disorder based upon their writing, melancholy, suicide attempts, suicide deaths, and information gathered from their families/loved ones… where applicable.
It is no surprise that mental illness goes hand in hand with artistic talents… for some reason, more so with writers than other artists. There is a striking number of suicides by contemporary writers that goes on to help prove the point. Lord Byron is quoted as saying, “We of the craft are all crazy”. (Speaking of other fellow writers and poets).
During a control study, 80% of writers were found to have any affective disorder. Affective disorder is descried as ” mental disorder characterized by dramatic changes or extremes of mood. Affective disorders may include manic (elevated, expansive, or irritable mood with hyperactivity, pressured speech, and inflated self-esteem) or depressive (dejected mood with disinterest in life, sleep disturbance, agitation, and feelings of worthlessness or guilt) episodes, and often combinations of the two. Persons with an affective disorder may or may not have psychotic symptoms such as delusions, hallucinations, or other loss of contact with reality.
Think about it… 80% is a staggering number of writers to be found with mood disorders.
Poets have the highest percentage of Bipolar 1 Disorder than any other writers/artists, and also have the highest percentage for suicides.
The more I am spent, ill, a broken pitcher, by so much more I am an artist – a creative artist. ~ Van Gogh
Kay Redfield Jamison says ” Artistic expression can be the beneficiary of either visionary and ecstatic or painful, frightening, and melancholic experiences. Even more important, however, it can derive great strength from the struggle to come to terms with such emotional extremes, and from the attempt to derive from them some redemptive value”.
Depression’s no gift from the muse~ Robert Lowell
The book also mentions the creativity of the relatives of writers, parents – 7%, while siblings were 20%…showing a pretty strong link to the genetic predisposition of Affective Disorders and creativity.
There is a wonderful graph in the book that I wish I could put in this post but it would be excruciatingly long and painful to do. However, you can see it here. In this chart is a breakdown of particular artists and their possible mood disorders. It gives the breakdown of why they were believed to have mood disorders, what type, and notes if they committed suicide. Strikingly, there is a high rate of mood disorders, suicide, and institutionalization within the group of poets AND their families. “More than one half of poets showed strong evidence of mood disorders… 1 in 3 poets likely suffered from Manic Depressive Illness, aka- Bipolar 1 Disorder.” (Touched With Fire)
Here is a list of artists believed to have some form of mood disorder:
John Berryman Honore De Balzac
Hans Christian Andersen Robert Burns
Samuel Clemens Lord Byron
Charles Dickens Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Isak Dinesen Emily Dickinson
Ralph Waldo Emerson T.S. Eliot
William Faulkner Victor Hugo
F. Scott Fitzgerald John Keats
Ernest Hemingway Edna St. Vincent Millay
Henry James Sylvia Plath
Eugene O’Neill Edgar Allan Poe
Leo Tolstoy Anne Sexton
Tennessee Williams Ezra Pound
Virginia Woolf Alfred Lord Tennyson
Emile Zola Dylan Thomas
Walt Whitman Michelangelo
Irving Berlin Jackson Pollock
Noel Coward Vincent Van Gogh
Stephen Foster Edvard Munch
Cole Porter Mark Rothko
Paul Gauguin Georgia O’Keeffe
Touched With Fire by Kay Redfield Jamison is a wonderful book and really helps to piece together these artists and their often melancholic mood noted in their works.
I leave you with words by Edward Thomas… for those of you with mood disorders, this will hit home with you… for those without mood disorders, this gives you an idea of what it is like to have one.
“I stay because I am too weak to go. I crawl on because it is easier than to stop. I put my face to the window. There is nothing out there but the blackness and the sound of rain. Neither when I shut my eyes can I see anything. I am alone…There is nothing else in my world but my dead heart and brain within me and the rain without.”
Day 8/30
Day 8: A place you’ve traveled to and where else you want to travel.
This one is tough because I have not been to very many places. I can say I had a most memorable experience as a child traveling up the California and Oregon coast, almost up into Washington State (I got homesick though). I have never seen a shoreline like I did in Oregon, it was made of fairytale pictures…. beautiful sunrises and sunsets, lighthouses… it was unbelievably gorgeous and I got to witness some amazing storms too.
Off the Oregon coast.
I, one day, will make a trip back to that gorgeous shoreline and to Northern California where the huge Sequoia trees are quite impressive.
Sequoia Tree Northern California
Aside from that… I have only been through New Mexico, to Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, through Kansas, Memphis Tennessee, and to Nebraska. In all honesty, I love Nebraska (Omaha) and would go back there in a heartbeat.
Where do I want to go?? I want to go to Hawaii, Florida, Minnesota, Canada, Salem MA, England, Germany, Scotland, and Ireland. Those are just a few off the top of my head that I would love to visit.
Pretty Simple ♥
What it is like?? And Emily Dickinson Poem
My life closed twice before its close My life closed twice before its close— It yet remains to see If Immortality unveil A third event to me So huge, so hopeless to conceive As these that twice befell. Parting is all we know of heaven, And all we need of hell. Emily Dickinson
I have quoted this poem before as I have a very strong feeling that resonates with this exquisite poem. Why you may ask? I relate it to my experience with my children. You see… twice I have lost my children and have not raised them. Not that I “lost” them because I did something horribly wrong but because I didn’t know how to fight and was too trusting to other individuals involved.
Fate was cruel to me in the same regards twice in my life. Some people cannot fathom why a Mother would not have custody of her children. I have often heard (out of the mouths of insensitive women) “I would fight till the death for my children”. Insinuating that, though my fight to the death has been different, it is somehow not worthy of being a good Mom. I am a great Mom. Yes, I have made mistakes that I pay dearly for… but none warrant me to be unworthy of raising my children.
So what does it feel like to not have custody of my children? For those of you in a similar position, I am sure you can relate… for others, let me just say it is a very large chunk of what I like to call hell. I feel like pieces of me are gone all the time… like I am missing pieces of my heart. I have cried years on end because of this and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
“My life closed twice before its close” because twice, fate has not allowed me custody of my children. I certainly do hope that immortality will unveil a third event to me… hopefully a most beautiful, healing event.
“So huge, so hopeless to conceive As these that twice befell. Parting is all we know of heaven, and all we need of hell”. When I part with my children, I sincerely taste the sweetness of heaven in their presence… yet it is all I need of hell.
Do I fight to the death for my children? Maybe to an outsider, the answer would be no. I do not fight in the way that you may think. But I fight. I have fought to get myself healthy for them… I have fought to realize that what they need in their life is 100% stability, of which I struggle with… I have fought to be SELFLESS and allow them to continue in the life they are use to instead of trying to battle and take them for my own selfish needs… I have fought to the death for my life, to remain in theirs, when the light of “hope” was extinguished… I have fought for my sanity to be all that they need… I fight daily to hold back tears because all in all, they are healthy and happy.
While I may be in constant pain without them, I know that they are more happy than not and that they are safe. Is there anything more I could want for them. Of course I want them and I need them. I will be a “constant” in their lives. At some point, they will have the choice to live where they would like… so I FIGHT every single day on the person I am so that when the day comes that they want to live with me… I am standing there with open arms, 100% capable. That is how I fight. ♥♥♥♥
This is my life through poetry, quotes, and my journal. The intense ride of my ups and downs of life ...and the relentless mood disorders I suffer from.
